Why do boys get treated like a second place prize?

[willwewontwe]

I had a little boy last year, absolutely delighted with him, love him to bits etc but over the last year I’ve steadily noticed more and more this attitude by some people that girls are better than boys. I’ve even now noticed it in some baby clothes shops where you walk in and there’s aisles of girls clothes on display then a small section of dinosaur clothes in the corner for boys.

My friend was pregnant at the same time as me, I knew what I was having but she wasn’t finding out. At her baby shower my other friend said she hoped she was having a girl. I just felt a bit put out sat there pregnant with a little boy as if people thought girls were better 🤔 We have since been for lunch etc with the babies and multiple people walking past make a big song and dance over her little girl but didn’t acknowledge my little boy. I’m just sat there feeling awkward like yip, I’ve got a baby too 🙋🏼‍♀️ I’ve had people making jokes to me about future children saying ‘aw itl be another boy’ or I even had a guy jokingly say ‘when you have twin boys’. It’s like, what would be wrong with that?! 🤔 I feel for people with two or more boys who will no doubt have had to deal with these kinds of comments all the time. They’re not some sort of second place prize 🙄 Just saw a post on Facebook from someone with a little boy popping a pink balloon at her gender reveal saying she was ‘finally’ getting her princess, as if somehow she has just been passing the time with her little boy waiting on a girl arriving. I hate the whole thing, is it just me? 😩

For me personally, there's so many more girls/women than boys/men in my family. I also have a little sister who I practically helped my mum raise. So when I was pregnant I hoped I was having a girl just because of familiarity. I felt like I knew what I'd be doing if I had a girl whereas if I had a boy I'd be clueless. Found out I was pregnant with DD and couldn't have been happier.

Got pregnant again and hoped I was having a girl. Found out I was having a boy and I was still happy and felt loads of joy. I was a bit anxious of the unknown but what can you do! Saying that tho, my mum cried when she found out I was a girl because she wanted a boy so badly😂 guess it can go both ways.

I also think if I see a baby boy and baby girl side by side, I'd immediately say the girl was so cute etc and then move onto the boy. When I think about it, I think a lot of girls clothes are so much cuter/nicer so that adds to the cuteness of the girl. They can have headbands/a bow on their head and it kind of sucks you in. With boys, their clothes are always so basic that I think their cuteness can sometimes get overlooked. It's not right as they're both just little babies but that's what it is for me.

As long as you enjoy your son, I guess you'll have to ignore the comments. I'm definitely interested to see if the difference in comments with my daughter and son

I had dd first. My mum's family were delighted. Mainly because I was the only girl in the family or my generation. 1 brother and 14 males cousins.

My dad's family were very disappointed and told me it was fine and I could try again. They were fine with me being a girl as mum had a boy first. But having a girl first was not ideal. 🙄 Dad's family comes from a culture where the suggestion of aborting a girl or actually doing it, is not unheard of.

Dd is 18 now but honestly, I hated the racks of girls clothes then. All very gendered and often shopped in the boys section. She generally shops in the men's section now. Dressing very feminine is fairly rare.

My second was a boy and tbh a lot of people worked on the assumption that dh must delighted to finally get a boy. Made me feel very much, like dd must have been a disappointment for dh.

I did get alot of hostility from a few mums who only had boys. One, at work, really kept going on and on about how the scan could be wrong. I kept saying I knew it could and it was fine if it was. We weren't decorating a nursery, as moving not long after the baby was born. The baby clothes were all fairly neutral baby grows, vest etc and I didn't mind using the very boyish ones on a girl. Me and dh talked about the name we picked and said if ds was a girl we would just go with the female version of the name. The sex of the child really didn't bother me either way. She kept pushing and push and the fact that I didn't really care seemed to annoy her more. It got that bad several people told her to stop going on about it.

As it stands dd always has been really well behaved and easy. But that's down to her personality. Ds has been a bit more difficult but has autism but now at 11 he is actually very easy. I often get asked if I preferred having a boy or girl. I have no clue. I don't look at them as their sex. I look at them as their personalities. I found parenting them both great. I always point out that the things I enjoy about parenting each of them are because of their personality. Not their sex. The things that have been a struggle are down to their personality too.

I, generally, think some people have hang ups about both. Some people would prefer either/or and some people think everyone must want both.

Essentially, I think some people are just a bit weird about this issue. And some people really think, we need their opinion, cause they are asses

When their little girls bicker in the playground and the upset lasts for days, parents will wish they had boys who have a quick argument then get over it within 10 minutes.

I had two boys, and worked in a school, and I’d have boys any time.

I waited a looong time for my dc with lots of losses along the way. I found out the sex at the 20 week scan. Had no preference. Was over the moon to hear he was a boy. Told my mum and her face fell. To be fair she said she hoped for a girl for me because we’re so close.

Even if my DS buggers off with a wife in twenty years I’m going to bloody enjoy raising him. He’s a bundle of loud, fun, loveliness 💙

A few years ago a friend had just had her 3rd boy. One day she went for a walk with the baby in his pram. She met an elderly neighbor who said to her you must be disappointed that it not a girl. My friend replied am lucky having a 3rd healthy child.
The elderly neighbor knew that my friend had a close relative whoe's child is severely mentally and physically disabled and requires 24 hour care.

I was at a child Christing a few years ago. I heard one relative say it a pity it was not a boy as their would be no one to carry on the family name. This person had no idea that the child's mother had several miscarriages and then IVF to have their daughter. She then went through IVF again in her early 40's to have a boy and I think they had a bit of family pressure to try for a boy.

Also some people think that a daughter is there to mind them in their old age. They don't want to end up in a nursing home but they never take into consideration that their daughter could have a job, partner and children.

It might seem like privilege now but is it not just society sewing the first seeds of women being there for the benefit of other people. They become responsible for helping and pleasing others. Starting with parents and other adults and then later their husband and family etc… Girls are treated as dolls whereas boys are given more independence and less responsibility from birth.

I feel like maybe this aspect of society shows up more in the behaviour of strangers than within your close family.

I’ve never experienced this

My experience has been the complete opposite.
I have 5 girls, with my first I heard 'oh you'll have a boy next time'. Some of the comments I get now after 5.... I love having girls but ever since you first I've had endless comments about how I need a son. A strong child, a clever child, protector for my daughters, to play footie for England... How I'll hate it when they're teenagers wearing skimpy clothes and sneaking out with the boys.... amongst many other rude and sexual references about my little girls. I bet a proud mother of 5 sons doesn't get strangers telling them she'll be stressed when her sons are all sleeping around.

It won't be long until girls will be second rate to your son. Don't worry. Are you oblivious to what sort of world it is for girls and women?

Or that her sons will be so bitchy with each other.
I love having girls, but having boys is significantly easier and more acceptable from society.
Honestly you could have a camera following a family of 5 girls and5 boys, there would be a significant difference in how society reacts.

I’ve noticed this a bit, having had 2 boys. I would have been happy with any children at all. It has worked out well as I can’t be arsed to go shopping for myself let alone needing to wade through the aisles of girls’ clothes. Same with hair styling etc. I’m trying to raise my sons to be decent people and not to be arseholes just because they're male. I hope we’ll still be close when they are adults (neither DH nor I are especially so with our mums) but if they choose to go their own way, that’s fine too. I’m enjoying them while they’re still here and plan to travel when they’ve grown up so I’m sure it will be fine.

I get this.

When I was pregnant with my dtwins, people would ask me if I knew what i was having. When I replied two boys some people genuinely looked disappointed like I'd got the booby prize!
One woman ( complete stranger) even said it was a shame as there are lots of nice girls clothes and I could have dressed them the same

My boys are amazing. They can be full on and have bounds of energy, but they are so loving and cuddly. They often tell me they love me and have already made me a secret present for Mother's Day.

@HerrenaHarridan

Sad it may be but it’s true.

I’ve never met my ‘dad’ I don’t know if his family even know I exist

Sure, sure not all men ya da ya da but there’s a LOT of boy mums who don’t get to see grandkids.

When my dds dad fucked off it was me who preserved her relationship with my ex ils. They have another grandchild they haven’t seen since she was 2 and she would be 22 now.

Search the threads on here, how many devastated mils are feeling shut out of their sons family (even while he is still around) while the mums mum is welcomed in?

It’s not hard and fast but it’s certainly the general trend.

I think sadly your negative experiences with your dad and your ex have clouded your views on boys and men. I agree that on mumsnet you see stories of MILs and DILs in conflict but that’s because this site is about working through troubled relationships. There are also many threads on conflict between husbands and wives, mothers and daughters, friends, etc etc etc.

It’s nice that you got the daughter you wanted, but in a way it’s a shame you didn’t have a son as I think he might have been the one to teach you about how wonderful boys and men can be.

I would also say, I think it’s important you try not to pass your attitude on to your daughter. One day she may want to get married to a man. Also, she might have a whole tribe of sons and it would be such a shame if she initially felt disappointed in them because you have taught her that baby girls are better.

I find this completely wierd.

I couldn't have cared less whether I had a boy or a girl. I have a DS and for me that means no pink, no dolls, no flouncy clothes, no angst over ear piercing or make up.

Having a boy who now, at 13 likes basic non-fussy clothes, computers, cycling, swimming and science, makes life very straightforward.

Of course there's still plenty of time for it to get complicated but so far, so fantastic.

Mum of two boys here 👋🏼
I've definitely experienced this and it did really upset me at one point. Now I try and reframe it as feeling quite sorry for these adults, who think your feelings towards your children might be affected by their gender.
Given how much people struggle and long for children, this attitude is just the absolute height of ignorance.

There is nothing like having a girl. Boys never bothered me atall I was so glad I got 3 girls

I haven't found this. My son is 2 months. The only thing I do find is the clothes thing. But it's the same with men's clothing - with fashion there is always going to be more for girls. Clothing choice for men and boys is pretty boring as they are limited.
Never once felt that anyone felt pity for me having a boy and he gets fuss when we're out and about.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 who is a boy, I have a little girl. My husband and I have both commented there seems to be much less interest and excitement around our little boy.

When pregnant with DC1 I was inundated with outfits, teddies, dolls etc. This time nothing! (Not that anyone has to but just shows tje disparity). When I rang my grandmother to tell her DC2 was a boy, she responded "it's a shame DD won't have a sister but oh well". Is it?!

I am so excited for my little boy, and for DD to have a little brother. Tbh my pregnancy with DD was very traumatic and ended in her being very premature so I'm just grateful for a healthy pregnancy and baby. But I grew up as tje only girl with 3 brothers and am so close to them now !

@collieresponder88

There is nothing like having a girl. Boys never bothered me atall I was so glad I got 3 girls

Wow. I'm truly glad no boys were born to you.

Most of my friends have their fb profile picture of them and their DD. Their DS nowhere to be seen.
This forum would read very differently though if it were male. Interestingly, stats show most men want sons, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

Trinacham yep so am I !

@Coffeepls

It might seem like privilege now but is it not just society sewing the first seeds of women being there for the benefit of other people. They become responsible for helping and pleasing others. Starting with parents and other adults and then later their husband and family etc… Girls are treated as dolls whereas boys are given more independence and less responsibility from birth.

I feel like maybe this aspect of society shows up more in the behaviour of strangers than within your close family.

This is what I think, too - it looks at first glance like little girls are the 'lucky' ones to be preferred in this scenario (and some of the comments have stung me too, as the mother of two little boys) but actually the 'preference' is a load of the most regressive female stereotypes being loaded onto girls from babyhood - they're quieter, more compliant, less physical, naturally given to caring for others not pursuing their own girls, their appearance is far more important than it is for boys... These aren't actually positive messages to be giving little girls, at all.

When you see those comments (and their are loads of them) about women who would be 'devastated' to have a boy I always feel a bit sorry for any son they have, but really much more sorry for any daughters - so much pressure and such weight of stereotype on a little head. I feel the same about men who say they only want sons, but I've never actually encountered that in real life, whereas I have encountered lots of women with negative views about having boys.

*I'm currently pregnant with DC2 who is a boy, I have a little girl. My husband and I have both commented there seems to be much less interest and excitement around our little boy.

When pregnant with DC1 I was inundated with outfits, teddies, dolls etc. This time nothing! (Not that anyone has to but just shows tje disparity). When I rang my grandmother to tell her DC2 was a boy, she responded "it's a shame DD won't have a sister but oh well". Is it?!*

I think it's more about 2nd pregnancies than anything else tbh

I am an extremely proud mum to 2 boys and I wouldn't change them for the world. I struggled to conceive and I never had a gender preference.

The only comment, I ever came across that annoyed me was someone saying, after my youngest was born, "oh you going to try for a girl next". I don't think they said it with intent of boys being second class as I think they would have probably said the reverse if I had 2 girls.

Boys clothes has always been a bug bear of mine though, every clothes shop, including supermarkets cater for majority pink clothes, 5 aisles of girl stuff, 2 aisles for boys if you are lucky. Then when school uniform comes out in summer its always the boys clothes that get crammed into the corner! 😡 I even messaged a couple of retailers asking them why, nobody ever responded!

My 2 boys are perfect and completed my family in words that I just cannot describe. 🥰

[quote willwewontwe]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz agreed! Mine is the most chilled little guy, never once been up during the night since he was tiny and just the easiest going little thing 😊[/quote]
Yeah but wait til he's a toddler or school age. A baby is different to a 7 year old boy jumping on and smashing up things and shouting.

I think it's the old 'girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice'. I also think boys can be quite rough and very hyperactive, play up more at school, etc. They tend to be more trouble. Then there is how boys and men treat us girls and women. Where as girls are (generally speaking) quieter, calmer and it's nice to dress them up, do their hair, buy pretty things etc. I definitely am glad I had a girl, I admit I never wanted a boy and I don't know how I would have hidden the disappointment if my beautiful little girl was a boy. I do acknowledge though that there are those who are glad they've had boys and that's totally ok and good. Just that, I along with others like in the OP's post, would not want a boy. There is a reputation there with boys that little girls don't have.

Other bunkum I have heard includes:

Boys are so much more loving
Boys are easier

Girls are so complicated
Girls are manipulative
Sisters fight far more than brothers.

Thankfully, my children ( one of each) have their own personalities.