Why do boys get treated like a second place prize?

[willwewontwe]

I had a little boy last year, absolutely delighted with him, love him to bits etc but over the last year I’ve steadily noticed more and more this attitude by some people that girls are better than boys. I’ve even now noticed it in some baby clothes shops where you walk in and there’s aisles of girls clothes on display then a small section of dinosaur clothes in the corner for boys.

My friend was pregnant at the same time as me, I knew what I was having but she wasn’t finding out. At her baby shower my other friend said she hoped she was having a girl. I just felt a bit put out sat there pregnant with a little boy as if people thought girls were better 🤔 We have since been for lunch etc with the babies and multiple people walking past make a big song and dance over her little girl but didn’t acknowledge my little boy. I’m just sat there feeling awkward like yip, I’ve got a baby too 🙋🏼‍♀️ I’ve had people making jokes to me about future children saying ‘aw itl be another boy’ or I even had a guy jokingly say ‘when you have twin boys’. It’s like, what would be wrong with that?! 🤔 I feel for people with two or more boys who will no doubt have had to deal with these kinds of comments all the time. They’re not some sort of second place prize 🙄 Just saw a post on Facebook from someone with a little boy popping a pink balloon at her gender reveal saying she was ‘finally’ getting her princess, as if somehow she has just been passing the time with her little boy waiting on a girl arriving. I hate the whole thing, is it just me? 😩

[quote staycalmmama]@HerrenaHarridan

*Search the threads on here, how many devastated mils are feeling shut out of their sons family (even while he is still around) while the mums mum is welcomed in?

It’s not hard and fast but it’s certainly the general trend.*

Totally agree with this! Also complaints about MIL relationships seems so common. A son close to his mother is referred to as a mama boys and their close relationship is looked down on. [/quote]
There are endless threads on MN about toxic mothers, going non contact with your mother, mother not helping when you've had a baby. It's no more likely that you will be welcomed by your daughter than your son.

It was the same when I had DS 40 years ago everyone asked me if I was sad it wasn't a girl. I think its bizarre. I wanted a boy as I grew up with sisters and he was adorable, still is.

What a shame people think like this. My little boy is my whole world, and a huge softy who still loves cuddles with me!

Luckily I've never come across this attitude in real life.

I have a sister and no brothers, between us my sister and I have two girls and a boy. Until my nephew was born, we were a v.girl family as it had been my sister and I and then my niece. One of my aunties seemed annoyed we didn’t have any boys, when my sister announced she was having a son, I found some of the comments annoying ‘boys are the best’, ‘nothing like a son’, etc etc as by this point my niece had been on the scene for ages and we adored her (still do, she’s fabulous). Anyway I’m rambling, point is that any child is amazing. I have a daughter myself, but would happily have a son. I love my nephew to bits, he makes my day whenever I see him and has brought balance to our ‘girl’ family! If I have another baby, I’d welcome a baby boy with open arms 💛

I've got three sons! When pregnant with my 4th child (a girl but we didn't find out til birth) a couple of people asked me if I was hoping for a girl this time, so I told them I couldn't care less I just wanted a healthy baby. After she was born only one person mentioned "finally" having a girl and he was drunk so I set him straight but ultimately wasn't mad. I was ready to be cross at anyone seriously implying that my boys are somehow less, all my kids are awesome but given what the world is like, I'm pleased my daughter has three fantastic older brothers. All three boys however, have expressed that they are glad number 4 wasn't a boy LOL they do wind each other up, cute that they think their sister won't be exactly the same 😆

Didn’t realise this was a thing, I have two gorgeous boys. Secretly wanted a boy the first time although would never have said in case it had been a girl. Second time I didn’t mind but was ecstatic to find out it was another boy. I’d love a third and again wouldn’t mind which but to be honest I think another boy would be my preference.

Yes you are right.

I wanted a girl. I had DS and I love him to bits and wouldn't swap him for the world. I was very happy DD2 was a girl though. I'm sure if she hadn't been I would have loved DS2 just as much.

In the situation where you really want a girl you do also really notice the subtle hints that others think you should too, it kind of amplifies it.

I don't really know if / why it matters. I suspect it's partly quite shallow things (mums are female too, girl clothes are pretty) but not entirely. It is very noticeable that DS hates talking about his feelings, is quite physical and insists on playing shooting games though he knows I dislike it.

Theres the same problem in adoption, during the process you are allowed to state a prefence for a girl or a boy. The majority of prospective adopters have a preference for girls. There is even a newish trend of people attempting to adopt girls if they have birth boys so they can have a girl.

It really shouldn’t matter at all if your child is a girl or a boy, of the people I know who see little of their adult sons, they made their preference for girls quite obvious, so no wonder their sons aren’t close to them.

"A daughters is a daughter for life. A sons a son, until he finds a wife."
This cut me the first time I heard it.

But my boys are 4&5 now and I feel so blessed to have boys. They are so caring cuddly and sensitive 🙂

I actually feel special, being the only female in the house too!

... although the wee around the toilet (ages 4&5) does make me question myself 😂

This isn’t my experience at all. My friends/family never expressed disappointment at either sex

I’ve personally not really noticed it but do you think it’s because they’re women? It’s not unusual for men to want a son, the idea of teaching them things/passing on/being able to relate to them. So I can see why a woman might feel the same and want a daughter.

I have experienced this as well. I have a little boy and another on the way and when I told family and friends that this current pregnancy was another boy they all asked if I was disappointed. I set them straight, the only thing I cared about was that the NIPT test (that showed the gender) showed that he was healthy. Our toddler is sweet, empathic and very loving and I feel grateful everyday to have him.

As for clothing, I buy a lot of his clothes from Children's Salon and from shops like la coqueta and they are all lovely and unique. I have a lot of fun buying clothing for our boys.

@HerrenaHarridan sounds like you are letting your experience with your father and your daughters father cloud your opinions on boys and men. I hope you are able to work through that as making sweeping judgements about an entire gender is misguided and misinformed. For the record, my son has better manners than his girl friends. My husband is loving, smells great and knowing him and spending my life with him is an honour (and he feels the same about me!). My husband makes spending time with his parents and siblings a priority and I do as well because I love him and want our children to have an equal relationship with his family. I hope to set an example to my sons and that they will protect their relationship with us as much as my husband does with his parents.

I know what you mean, I have an amazing boy (and girl) and it annoys me.

I’m south Asian and in my community (not all are the same by the way just my particular community), well we are still about 100 years behind as the gender bias towards boys is still very strong despite the gender roles/opportunities being more equal and girls doing everything a man can there are many conditioned to think they need a boy for various reasons which make no sense in 21st century Britain!

In my community there is now a trend where women are longing for girls but here it’s not progress, they want girls as it’s the girls who apparently look after the parents, stick around more, don’t ditch you (conditioned to 🤔) ofcourse many women feel they are more in tune with girls or like pretty dresses etc but the women I know of don’t mention this, more about how girls are apparently more homely etc which obviously annoys me too.

And I have had major issues with men all my life and my son is nothing like them as I’m his mother.

I've got 2 sons and can honestly say no one's ever commented on it or made me feel they're 2nd place. I'd never had a preference for either but then my mum died before I had my first and I did secretly want a girl at that point as I missed the mother-daughter relationship but it didn't matter when DS1 came along.

I’ve personally found the opposite. Except for one person, people I’ve met have said they’d prefer a boy. My in laws keep coyly alluding to how girls are more expensive, how people are more proud to announce a son etc. (we have a girl)

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad op. It’s all rubbish anyway. Nobody knows who they’re getting and if you try to force them into a mould you’ll all be disappointed.

I have two gorgeous boys and I adore them, I wouldn't change a thing!

The only tiny drawback for me is the nagging voice at the back of my head that wonders whether I'll have the same close relationship with my potential future grandchildren that my mother has with hers (AKA my children), because daughters usually seem to approach their own mother for support by default (in case it's relevant, my MIL sadly died years before I met my DH, so I'll never know what being a DIL would have felt like in that context).
I read threads on here wishing MILs would leave their DIL alone with a sense of dread... but I'm hoping that those threads are exceptions and that if I have a strong, close relationship with my sons into adulthood I'll be able to have a good relationship with their future partners and be involved in their family life. It's early days, anyway, as my oldest is only 3!

@Jinglebellsoncake

"A daughters is a daughter for life. A sons a son, until he finds a wife." This cut me the first time I heard it.

But my boys are 4&5 now and I feel so blessed to have boys. They are so caring cuddly and sensitive 🙂

I actually feel special, being the only female in the house too!

I agree with your thoughts around that phrase... I can only hope that this doesn't happen with my sons!

I also agree regarding boys being cuddly and caring. My little boy is so empathetic and has a wonderful little personality (I'm sure his baby brother will follow in his footsteps).

I quite like being the only female in the house, although I find it amusing in hindsight... when I was pregnant, everyone thought I'd have a girl because I'm so feminine (only ever wear dresses and skirts), which was hilarious because biology doesn't work like that. I have to be honest that I would have loved to buy little dresses etc... however I'm very much aware that girls sometimes hate dresses and I'm not actually that keen on the frilly, pink, impractical, stereotypical 'girly' concept anyway (ahem, that's despite doing all my gardening in dresses! )!

I also want to add that I find comments like “I prefer boys because it’s going to be hard for girls because of sexism etc” particularly triggering as in my culture, girls were being aborted not because the parents hated girls themselves but they knew girls would have a tough life, they’d get abused etc so it makes me sad in Britain today there are people not just from my culture who sometimes say things like this as girls have it so much easier now for parents to not dread having them. Both girls and boys are amazing, it really baffles me why people care unless they’ve been conditioned in some way or are into gender stereotypes in some way. Given the choice I prefer gender neutral clothing/shoes/toys and would not treat them differently or expect my daughter to be closer to me but not my son and then reinforce the whole “girls stick around” rubbish. In my culture the girls are expected to be home from work whereas the boys can go off to football or the gym so no wonder the girls are the ones who “stick around” so I think it’s all nonsense really.

Only for 2 reasons

As children, we typically are playing with baby female dolls and dress up with female figures like Barbie

As adults, females can wear earrings, necklace, scarf, fast fashion,make up.

So from the start, we collectively are preparing to doll up baby girls. ..

I had a baby boy. Put him inn little matching outfits. A neighbor said he's so pretty he could be a girl, why isn't he a girl?

Boys and girls are great.

I quite like having a couple of boys as people have periodically seemed to think I've "got my hands full" but it's actually been relatively easy, no dramas. They are teenagers now. Good company. Kind. They are loving, decent people. That's all we want from our kids male or female.

I think there do seem to be more clothing choices for baby girls than boys.

I noticed the clothes disparity in shops but I wonder if girls are bought more outfits. It also reflects women and men disparity in clothes shops. It’s a bit depressing though. Can’t we get over gender stereotypes.

@Duopingu

I quite like having a couple of boys as people have periodically seemed to think I've "got my hands full" but it's actually been relatively easy, no dramas. They are teenagers now. Good company. Kind. They are loving, decent people. That's all we want from our kids male or female.

The "you've got your hands full" comment always causes me to raise an eyebrow... From what I've seen, being a mother to a couple of children is "having your hands full" regardless of their sex!

I also find it interesting how boys are often labelled 'boisterous and high energy' and girls are labelled 'sensitive and emotional'.. so far, my experience has largely been the opposite... (e.g. my friends little girls enjoy playing rough, whereas my little boy prefers playing in toy kitchens and cuddling up to read a story). I suppose I'd say that it's more helpful to think of children as having their own unique personality traits rather than having traits that are predetermined by being a boy or girl (it seems so obvious, and yet...).