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Original poster

Having a girl will divide us

476 replies

CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 06:52

I realise this is going to polarise a lot of people and I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting, everything feels pretty dark at the moment so reaching out perhaps.

I’m expecting a DD in Spring after a DS. Because of my husbands religion, which I don’t share, she isn’t going to have the same freedoms in her choices that I’ve had. Having to marry into the religion for instance or conforming to religious dress.

Yes this was a discussion before we even married, but I’m now struggling with the lived version of an abstract thought. There’s no wiggle room either, if she doesn’t follow her father beliefs he will be punished for it.

I’ve spoken to DH, he does understand to an extent but when I ask for compromise he can’t meet me halfway on this because it’s so clear in his religion.

I’m so sad, it feels like this baby will cause us to separate and I don’t want that but at the same time I don’t know how I can accept a future where she doesn’t have a choice.

It’s my fault completely I accept that, I feel like I’ve screwed all of our lives up but I just can’t see a way forward.

OP posts:
NothingIsWrong · 15/01/2022 06:53

Really sorry, but I would leave over this. I know that's a very hard choice to make, but I would NEVER accept my daughter being limited in her choices because of her sex.

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 06:55

I'd leave. Your daughter is going to live an oppressed life.
Your husband could choose to step back and give her more freedoms but he's using his religion as an excuse. You should have an equal say in her upbringing.

EishetChayil · 15/01/2022 06:56

Clearly you have to leave him.

To be a good mother to your daughter, you cannot stay with a man like this.

LittleBearPad · 15/01/2022 06:58

I couldn’t let my daughter be so discriminated against.

Either DH comes into the 21st century or you will need to consider your options.

LoudSnoringDog · 15/01/2022 06:59

Really, why does she 'have' to? What's the real consequence if she doesn't follow this?

LittleBearPad · 15/01/2022 07:00

@CrunchyCrump

I realise this is going to polarise a lot of people and I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting, everything feels pretty dark at the moment so reaching out perhaps.

I’m expecting a DD in Spring after a DS. Because of my husbands religion, which I don’t share, she isn’t going to have the same freedoms in her choices that I’ve had. Having to marry into the religion for instance or conforming to religious dress.

Yes this was a discussion before we even married, but I’m now struggling with the lived version of an abstract thought. There’s no wiggle room either, if she doesn’t follow her father beliefs he will be punished for it.

I’ve spoken to DH, he does understand to an extent but when I ask for compromise he can’t meet me halfway on this because it’s so clear in his religion.

I’m so sad, it feels like this baby will cause us to separate and I don’t want that but at the same time I don’t know how I can accept a future where she doesn’t have a choice.

It’s my fault completely I accept that, I feel like I’ve screwed all of our lives up but I just can’t see a way forward.

Also In my view your DH is a complete hypocrite. He married outside his faith. He gets to choose how the rules apply for himself
GlitterSquid · 15/01/2022 07:03

Fuck that. But then you married into this seemingly awful religion (whatever it is), you did know if the women within it were oppressed and as such your daughter may have to carry that burden.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/01/2022 07:03

@NothingIsWrong

Really sorry, but I would leave over this. I know that's a very hard choice to make, but I would NEVER accept my daughter being limited in her choices because of her sex.
Yep. This.

All agree your husband is a hypocrite misogynist whose religion is paramount when it suits him.

Scrunchies · 15/01/2022 07:09

If it is one of the main stream religions, eg islam, and not some very obscure cult type religion, there is absolutely no need for female oppression. I suggest you and your husband educate yourselves on the differences between cultural expectations and religion, as it is this which drives things like islamophobia.

Fuuuuuckit · 15/01/2022 07:12

if she doesn’t follow her father beliefs he will be punished for it.

Wait, what? If SHE doesn't follow this draconian religion's rules that will leave her having to be restricted in what she wears, who she marries etc, HE will be punished???

Leave now op. He's putting himself before his daughter. This is basic human rights stuff - the right to freedom of choice. And I'll bet there are a million nuances whereby her life will differ to that of her older brother, just because she is female.

Seriously. Religious oppression over a child who has one parent who does not believe.

Give your dd the life - the liberties, the freedoms, the choices, the opportunities - that she deserves, and that she is entitled to.

There is no situation where it would be too difficult to leave your 'd'h for your daughters sake.

(and think about the impact staying will also have on your ds - growing up in a home where his sister, and all women are inferior. Is that something you want to support?)

SallyGoLucky · 15/01/2022 07:12

I don't understand how he can marry outside his religion, however have absolute no compromise when it comes to beliefs in regards to how his daughter should act.

Were there obstacles when you two married? Did family oppose it?

Sorry for being nosy. But I just can't figure out what religion would be so strict, but then so lenient in regards to marriage outside of religion.

Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 07:14

It is a mainstream religion, I’d like to point out that the expectations are not cultural and are explicitly stated in their relevant holy text. So men are allowed to marry outside the religion women can’t for instance.

The key thing here is it would be her choice to follow the expectations of the religion. The problem would be the expectation on her to follow it if that makes sense. So whilst it is a choice she’ll likely experience pressure to conform.

OP posts:
OneOfTheGrundys · 15/01/2022 07:16

So he married you, someone who doesn’t share his religious beliefs, and you’ve been accepted, then his daughter has to? Just doesn’t add up. He wanted you so there was room enough for compromise then.
Your daughter aside, do you want your son to grow up seeing her unequal treatment normalised? This isn’t healthy for anyone.
You’re right. It’s terribly sad but if you are already considering a split this is not a negotiable topic.
He may soften once she is born or actually in the situations that present conflict of course but this seems as though it will cause massive tension in other areas of your lives. Will he be able to reconcile that? He doesn’t sound up to that somehow.

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 07:16

What happens until she's old enough to make the choice?

OneOfTheGrundys · 15/01/2022 07:17

Sorry x post.

Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 07:18

It’s hard to explain as it’s taken a long time for me to understand it and I still don’t fully but women and men are treated differently but more based on how we’re predisposed naturally.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 15/01/2022 07:19

How will he be punished?

pompomsgalore · 15/01/2022 07:20

What would happen if you split? Would he share the childcare? Would this religion be inflicted on her whilst she was with him? Would he try and leave the country with the children without telling you?

SallyGoLucky · 15/01/2022 07:21

I just don't understand how he will be punished for his daughter not obeying these rules, yet doesn't appear to get punished for not obeying rules himself.

I'd also be worried about your son in this case, not just your daughter. It is not healthy for a young boy to be brought up in a situation where females are so blatantly disrespected, would not bode well for his future and how he views and treats women.

Herbyhippo · 15/01/2022 07:22

I would make plans to leave immediately. Are you in the U.K.? Are you at any risk if you leave?

What changes have you had to make due to marrying a man with such archaic views? I would not let my dd grow up as a second class citizen to her brother.

How convenient in the holy text, men do what you want, no doubt the men have sex with who they want prior to marriage, women obey!

Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 07:22

@girlmom21 all children are taught the religion from around 3-5 so she’ll know about the expectations. Once any child hits 16 they’ll be accountable for their own actions as it were but yes parents are effectively punished (doesn’t get into heaven) for actions their child takes up until they’re married.

Part if me is thinking I’m blowing this up for something that’s not going to impact them for 14+ years. I’ll be ensuring they both get my views as well as they are taught to respect all other beliefs/faiths. It could be a non-issue, or at least kept kicking along into future IFYKWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 07:23

@SallyGoLucky it seems the rule is there as it’s expected children to follow their fathers religion.

OP posts:
SallyGoLucky · 15/01/2022 07:25

Would leaving put you and your children in danger?

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 15/01/2022 07:25

Which “mainstream religion” is it? If it’s mainstream, then telling us isn’t outing you and there will be people here who are qualified to comment.
Have you converted to this religion OP?

StrongerOrWeaker · 15/01/2022 07:27

I would leave not just for your daughter but also for your son and yourself