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Original poster

Having a girl will divide us

476 replies

CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 06:52

I realise this is going to polarise a lot of people and I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting, everything feels pretty dark at the moment so reaching out perhaps.

I’m expecting a DD in Spring after a DS. Because of my husbands religion, which I don’t share, she isn’t going to have the same freedoms in her choices that I’ve had. Having to marry into the religion for instance or conforming to religious dress.

Yes this was a discussion before we even married, but I’m now struggling with the lived version of an abstract thought. There’s no wiggle room either, if she doesn’t follow her father beliefs he will be punished for it.

I’ve spoken to DH, he does understand to an extent but when I ask for compromise he can’t meet me halfway on this because it’s so clear in his religion.

I’m so sad, it feels like this baby will cause us to separate and I don’t want that but at the same time I don’t know how I can accept a future where she doesn’t have a choice.

It’s my fault completely I accept that, I feel like I’ve screwed all of our lives up but I just can’t see a way forward.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 15/01/2022 08:10

I don't usually say this as a first response, but I'd leave too. I have a daughter and I couldn't bear to bring her up like this.

Limer · 15/01/2022 08:11

Islam?

Previous posters have explained that the religious texts can be interpreted in many ways.

If your DH insists on treating any daughters as second-class citizens, you need to leave him.

Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 08:13

@Beechview this is what I’ve checked, as your friends have done a simple proclamation and everything is fine.

OP posts:
Matbest · 15/01/2022 08:13

[quote CrunchyCrump]@always2tired thank you so much for sharing your experience, I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I’m hoping for this exactly if I’m honest. I’ve spoken with my husband and the only differences between DS/DD would be the marriage/covering.[/quote]
"Only" differences? "Only"?? Do you know how massive those two things are?

There are no acceptable differences.

MoonWise · 15/01/2022 08:13

[quote CrunchyCrump]@always2tired thank you so much for sharing your experience, I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I’m hoping for this exactly if I’m honest. I’ve spoken with my husband and the only differences between DS/DD would be the marriage/covering.[/quote]
These ‘only differences’ are still nowhere near acceptable. How can you even contemplate this, or treat it as a problem for ‘14+ years later’?

Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 08:14

For everyone saying the paragraph can be interpreted different ways, I’d really appreciate it if you could send anything my way. I’ve looked at many different translations/interpretations etc and can’t find one where it says you don’t need to cover your hair, modest dress fine it’s the hair covering part.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 15/01/2022 08:14

I’ve spoken with my husband and the only differences between DS/DD would be the marriage/covering”

FFS, that is absolutely not the only difference. Your daughter will be told she and her wants are of lesser value and you appear to ok with that.

MintMatchmaker · 15/01/2022 08:14

There is not a chance I would subject my daughter to this kind of upbringing. Growing up alongside a brother that is offered different freedoms to her and parents that go along with it? Absolutely no way.

It’s very easy to say leave but in these circumstances I absolutely would. I would not allow a daughter of mine to be subjected to sexism by her own family.

Piggyk2 · 15/01/2022 08:15

What punishment would your husband recieve OP?
If your DD didn't follow your DH religion.

Have you lived in UK? Where are you from OP? Sorry but when it comes to a religion/culture that isn't yours OP I think it can be a dark world.... culture alone is a huge thing and I can understand how you have got yourself involved and the penny has just finally dropped.

I agree with another poster though I would leave with my kids

Hellolittlestar · 15/01/2022 08:15

I think it really depends how your husband actually treats women. Is he going to make her feel like less worthy because she’s a girl? Is that ingrained in his thinking? How does he treat you?

I really struggle taking it seriously when the punishment is “not getting into heaven”. By how you describe this relationship I would get out.

WindInTheWillows7 · 15/01/2022 08:15

@SallyGoLucky

I just don't understand how he will be punished for his daughter not obeying these rules, yet doesn't appear to get punished for not obeying rules himself.

I'd also be worried about your son in this case, not just your daughter. It is not healthy for a young boy to be brought up in a situation where females are so blatantly disrespected, would not bode well for his future and how he views and treats women.

Op explained that it's not prohibited for men to marry outside the religion, but it is for women
LittleBearPad · 15/01/2022 08:15

[quote CrunchyCrump]@Beechview this is what I’ve checked, as your friends have done a simple proclamation and everything is fine.[/quote]
Apostasy is fine? Really?

You seem woefully naive.

Original poster
CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 08:16

Yes it is Islam and yes I’m fully aware there is a multitude of ways to follow. However there is still the paragraph saying hair should be covered, this is an honest question if anyone does have any examples where this is translated/interpreted differently it would really help me out

OP posts:
Guineapigssweak · 15/01/2022 08:17

You knew this would happen so why all surprised now? Surely you didn't marry this man blindly without research into his religion/culture?

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 08:17

OP why does his religion overrule your beliefs and morals?

LactoseTheIntolerant · 15/01/2022 08:17

I'm presuming if you were having a boy you wouldn't even be thinking this.. Unbelievable!
Why would you want to marry into a religion/culture that treats women this way? How can you still love your husband knowing he thinks like this and is unwilling to change?

EmmaH2022 · 15/01/2022 08:17

@CrunchyCrump

For everyone saying the paragraph can be interpreted different ways, I’d really appreciate it if you could send anything my way. I’ve looked at many different translations/interpretations etc and can’t find one where it says you don’t need to cover your hair, modest dress fine it’s the hair covering part.
It's not really relevant though

Your H is not going to be talked out of hos beliefs.

Please, please, leave. I cannot emphasise that enough. There is no room for sentiment here.

Simonjt · 15/01/2022 08:19

@CrunchyCrump

Yes it is Islam and yes I’m fully aware there is a multitude of ways to follow. However there is still the paragraph saying hair should be covered, this is an honest question if anyone does have any examples where this is translated/interpreted differently it would really help me out
It says the chest should be covered “tell the believing woman to draw their scarves over their chests” in the awrah.
Asi1 · 15/01/2022 08:20

Please seek guidance and advice from a scholor both your husband and yourself.

Pixxie7 · 15/01/2022 08:21

It’s a very difficult situation, I understand about his religious view, but you may find that that he changes as your DD gets older. You also need your son, he needs his mum.
It may be that as they get older and society change you DH may change his views. I wouldn’t do anything at the moment but emphasis that you don’t agree with him and want your daughter to grow up with the freedom you did.s

GivenchyDahhling · 15/01/2022 08:21

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nwLondonDad · 15/01/2022 08:22

Just go with it, as he's living in modern times and obviously open minded enough to marry outside his faith, over time he will probably be liberal and not object to daughter living as you see fit. If he's a hands off dad, and you do the heavy lifting, he's going to find it hard to make demands. The divorce comments seem extreme, a happy family is more valuable than having to wear a head scarf or go to a girls school. 0-16 what could the restrictions be that are so bad? Once they start maturing they will start challenging any oppressive behaviours they have adopted, and with a liberal mother on their team they will begin to isolate their dads closed thinking. And if he is a true family man, he will just adapt and take pride in having a happy daughter. Life often throws in challenges and restrictions, but I think having a happy and loving home will help get over these hurdles.

drpet49 · 15/01/2022 08:23

* You knew this would happen so why all surprised now?*

^-This. OP knew what she was getting into and chose to have a child with this man

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 08:23

@CrunchyCrump

For everyone saying the paragraph can be interpreted different ways, I’d really appreciate it if you could send anything my way. I’ve looked at many different translations/interpretations etc and can’t find one where it says you don’t need to cover your hair, modest dress fine it’s the hair covering part.
A quick Google will answer your questions. Here you go:

www.abdullahyahya.com/2019/09/proof-muslim-women-dont-have-to-cover-their-hair/

milkieway · 15/01/2022 08:23

Wow this is really sad
Can you imagine how she'll feel at 16 if her choices mean that her dad doesn't go to heaven because she doesn't marry someone in the same faith etc???? Your taking away all her freedom of choice from the get go because of that - that's no "choice" to give your child - and being brought up with all this looming over her and you it's likely to fracture your family anyway either way