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Original poster

Having a girl will divide us

476 replies

CrunchyCrump · 15/01/2022 06:52

I realise this is going to polarise a lot of people and I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting, everything feels pretty dark at the moment so reaching out perhaps.

I’m expecting a DD in Spring after a DS. Because of my husbands religion, which I don’t share, she isn’t going to have the same freedoms in her choices that I’ve had. Having to marry into the religion for instance or conforming to religious dress.

Yes this was a discussion before we even married, but I’m now struggling with the lived version of an abstract thought. There’s no wiggle room either, if she doesn’t follow her father beliefs he will be punished for it.

I’ve spoken to DH, he does understand to an extent but when I ask for compromise he can’t meet me halfway on this because it’s so clear in his religion.

I’m so sad, it feels like this baby will cause us to separate and I don’t want that but at the same time I don’t know how I can accept a future where she doesn’t have a choice.

It’s my fault completely I accept that, I feel like I’ve screwed all of our lives up but I just can’t see a way forward.

OP posts:
flippertyop · 15/01/2022 08:34

It's very hard. I know a Muslim family in the U.K. and the son has rebelled - having seen the restrictions of his religion he wants out. The daughter is younger still but not forced to cover her hair. I think it depends where you live as to how this might pan out. For me I couldn't be married to someone who sees women in that way. I think perhaps you need to tell him that you can't accept it. You are happy to bring the child up in the faith but not the dress/marriage etc and if he is jnsistant on that you will have no choice but to leave

Arethechildreninbedyet · 15/01/2022 08:35

Take both your children and fucking run.

Your daughter will grow up thinking she is worthless because she’s a woman.

Your son will grow up thinking women are less than men.

Is this what you want for your children? If your husband really expects to enforce these restrictions on you and the children then he’s not the man you want to be married to.

Scirocco · 15/01/2022 08:35

Without knowing which religion, it's difficult to provide specific rebuttals to your husband's interpretations, but if it's one of the 'mainstream' Abrahamic faiths (Christianity, Islam, Judaism) then there are certainly many schools of thought and interpretations of the main texts. Your husband's interpretations aren't the only option available. I suspect there's a large amount of cultural overlay and expectations at play in his attitudes, depending upon his own upbringing and denomination / school of thought.

If your husband is willing to consider your concerns, then it might be worthwhile for him to speak with some local scholars or faith leaders, not only within his own school of thought but within others within his faith. They may help him realise that there are different viewpoints and different paths here, and that being too set in his own interpretation means he risks losing his family. For example, if the faith in question is Islam and he compels his daughter to wear hijab (a hair covering) or face punishment, then a lot of people would consider him to be in the wrong - he would be forcing her to do something for his own reasons, rather than her choosing to do it as part of her own practice of her faith. Forcing compliance is unacceptable - people need to make their own choices about how to live their lives and practise any faith in which they believe. By being forceful, all he will achieve is pushing people away from him and from the faith he wants them to share with him.

Stand up for your daughter's rights, your rights and your son's rights - none of you should have to live a life governed by misogyny and inflexibility. If your husband is unwilling to engage with you on this, then he is the one dividing your family. He chose to marry someone who doesn't share his interpretation of his faith, and to have children with that person - needing to compromise on cultural and faith issues is part of that. By not being willing to do that, he's showing a lack of respect for you and for your family.

CharlotteRose90 · 15/01/2022 08:35

Sorry but you knew what would happen when you married him. Women are treated as second best in that religion. No way on earth would I marry someone Who’s religion told me who my children can and can’t marry and how they have to have their head covered or not . People should be free to do what they want and when they want not feel like a second class citizen. I’d be leaving op sorry.

TheWeeDonkey · 15/01/2022 08:36

What do you mean he will be punished?

Of course he won't he punished, loads of muslim women chose not to cover their hair and loads of muslim women chose their husband. OPs husband is picking and chosing the aspects of his religion that he wishes to follow that suit him.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/01/2022 08:37

Fuck that shit! If you knew this is how he interpreted things why they hell did you bring children into it if you didn’t agree with it. Start putting your children first and leave! Your poor DD.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 15/01/2022 08:37

Also women wearing religious dress is nothing to do with her father. It is a woman’s choice to conform. I’m interested does your husband also conform to the male modesty laws?

Beechview · 15/01/2022 08:38

I don’t know the ins and outs of it but I know lots of couples where the women are Muslims and the men not. None of them are very practicing but did what they had to do for the religious ceremony.
It was more for her parents and community sake.
There are lots of Muslim women who don’t cover their hair. And there are lots of feminist Muslims too. Have a google.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/01/2022 08:38

Your husband can’t be that inflexible as he married you. He is picking and choosing! Your daughter needs someone to stand up for her rights.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 15/01/2022 08:39

@TheWeeDonkey

What do you mean he will be punished?

Of course he won't he punished, loads of muslim women chose not to cover their hair and loads of muslim women chose their husband. OPs husband is picking and chosing the aspects of his religion that he wishes to follow that suit him.

This it’s nothing to with religion. It’s all to do with control.
rainbowstardrops · 15/01/2022 08:40

Why is your husband's religious beliefs etc trumping yours? Because he's a man and men are held in higher esteem?
If that's the case then you're simply enabling this to continue and I feel very sorry for both your DS and DD.
You knew what you were getting into. Or you should have done.

RedHot22 · 15/01/2022 08:40

You obviously didn’t discuss this enough before you married or had children.

Personally, assuming you’re happy with your DH, I would see how this pans out before leaving.

Foolsrule · 15/01/2022 08:40
  1. not your fault
  2. not your or your partner’s choice, her choice!
Lemonlettuce · 15/01/2022 08:41

Hi OP. I’m Muslim and the belief that girls/women need to cover their hair is a traditional, mainstream one and not something held on the fringes of Islam.

I’m flabbergasted by posters who are giving the example of the Muslim women they know who don’t wear hijab, which of course is fine and again their own individual choice, but the implication seems to be that because they don’t cover, they are free and have amazing lives, whilst woe betide the poor Muslim women who do have to cover their hair (and by extension don’t have a choice in doing so). Why can’t we discuss examples of great Muslim women who do have free and amazing lives but who also do cover their hair?

I do cover my hair out of my own free will and for me it’s not a big deal and I just get on with my life. I understand for you it’s an issue and I’m not trying to dismiss that but just want to give you some experience from the other side.

Interestingly the verse which is being discussed here is actually preceded by a verse commanding makes to dress modestly and cover themselves. But no one (including Muslims) ever seems to discuss this enough. Is your husband going to ensure your son dresses modestly?

What I will say that this over emphasis on what daughters are doing and sons being able to do what they want, whether they want is not Islamic at all, but it very much fits in a lot of cultural norms (especially South Asian of which I also belong). Is your husband a South Asian or Arab Muslim?

Soontobe60 · 15/01/2022 08:42

@CrunchyCrump

It’s hard to explain as it’s taken a long time for me to understand it and I still don’t fully but women and men are treated differently but more based on how we’re predisposed naturally.
No no no no no! This has absolutely nothing to do with how men and women are ‘predisposed naturally’, whatever that means. It has everything to do with male oppression of females. Patriarchy in is most blatant form. You have been ‘persuaded’ into believing this utter rubbish. You need to run away as fast as you can with your children.
deplorabelle · 15/01/2022 08:42

There is culture everywhere and when it's different, you notice. Covering hair is not part of my culture so it seems alien and sexist to me. But western culture has sexist double standards of dress too. How many women do you know who would put on a pair of shorts or a swimsuit with unshaved legs? Almost none in my case. How many men? It was an international news story when some Hollywood women went through a phase of not shaving their armpits, FFS.

Is the country you're living in an Islamic country, OP? Is it where your DH is from? He needs to be a lot more considerate if he is on home ground both literally and metaphorically. I think you both need to do more thinking and talking about how you plan to bring up your children, especially how you will interact with faith and culture. Will you always stay in the country you're in? How do you make your peace with that (or not)?

Gardeningcreature · 15/01/2022 08:42

Asi1 thank you . You have proven my point Wink
No intelligent reasoning at all. Just mud slinging, no counter argument so what do you do……..accuse me of reading the Daily Mail Hmm

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 15/01/2022 08:42

Why didn't you talk about this BEFORE getting married? This is in the same league as whether to have children or not?
Islam is almost the red herring here - (I'm not giving it a free pass since like all other religions written by men for men and untill very recently mostly exclusively led by men has some pretty garbage ideas about women) but your husband has explicitly said that your DD will be a second class citizen and also apparently responsible for other people's problems and her own poor treatment for the crime of being female?

PS isn't Heaven kind of whack? It's essentially enforced worship and I bet it will get a bit old well before the black hole era...

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 08:43

@Lemonlettuce OP is specifically saying that's something she's not comfortable with - which is why she's being reassured she doesn't have to cover her hair.

Of course if her daughter wants to cover her hair that's fine too.

RedHot22 · 15/01/2022 08:43

I’m flabbergasted by posters who are giving the example of the Muslim women they know who don’t wear hijab, which of course is fine and again their own individual choice, but the implication seems to be that because they don’t cover, they are free and have amazing lives, whilst woe betide the poor Muslim women who do have to cover their hair (and by extension don’t have a choice in doing so). Why can’t we discuss examples of great Muslim women who do have free and amazing lives but who also do cover their hair?

Yes. This ^

Tyyy · 15/01/2022 08:45

I am Muslim and so are my children and husband and wider families and honestly you need to leave. I will never allow my daughter to be brought up in such an oppression and allow only my sons the freedom I was given. Your major and biggest problem is that you aren’t in the UK and you won’t be able to leave easily. Do you have a plan how to leave if you have to? Do you have any families in the UK? Which country are you currently in? Do you have your own money and access to your passports? Can you get help from the British embassy if you need to? If possible it is best to travel before you give birth as less problems with your husband for you. You don’t need to tell him your plans. Most of all, you must be aware of honour killing and it’s something for you to keep in mind when making your decisions. Good luck and congratulations. I have two sons and one daughter and my daughter is being brought up in the same way as my sons.

speakout · 15/01/2022 08:45

I would leave.

No question.

lightnesspixie · 15/01/2022 08:45

Please please please do not bring another oppressed female into this world. Give your beautiful daughter all the love freedom and equality afforded your son and if this means leaving your husband then so be it. My children would come first - otherwise that makes you equally oppressed.

butterpuffed · 15/01/2022 08:46

Has marrying someone in this religion also restricted your life, OP ?

Gardeningcreature · 15/01/2022 08:47

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