Would you judge someone who didn't try...

[hermioneweasley48]

To breast feed?

I know this is a subject that can become quite divisive but I'm looking for facts, opinions and experience not nastiness.

I'm pregnant with dc2 and my first child is 10 so big age gap. When I had dc1 I was young and had a very traumatic birth and wasn't given much help or encouragement to breastfeed. So dc ended up being exclusively bottle fed. He's always been a healthy child and settled quickly as a baby. He was just very easy to manage and other than the usual struggles of babies/toddlers I felt very relaxed as a young, new mum.

I always said if I had another I would try to breastfeed purely for the baby's benefit. But as I look around at friends who have/are doing it, it seems pretty stressful. Their babies don't tend to settle as well and I had one friend in particular who pushed herself to the brink of madness being determined to feed her baby herself. Others have suffered huge guilt when they tried and failed.

Is it rally that bad to go for the 'easy option' here? I've done my research, I know the health benefits to baby but looking at my older dc who never had an ounce of breast milk in his life, kids can thrive without it. Or is that a selfish attitude from me?

I'm just weighing up my options at this point. After such a long break between babies I am understandably nervous about going back there and want to make life easy as possible for us all.

I bf'd mine, but wouldn't judge anyone who didn't. I'd wonder why they didn't want to as I do believe it's best for baby, but certain,y not judge.

The trick OP, is to grow a thick skin. You'll be judged by a minority for every single parenting decision you ever make. Judgement works the other way too. There was a very recent thread on here, where it was clear that a significant portion of posters judged women for what they termed 'extended breastfeeding', but what was in fact, just women BF their babies past about 12 months.

So, decide now not to give two hoots about the judgement of others. Mothers just can't win, sadly. There will always be someone who finds fault with every decision you make. I have 4 children and I have learned not to give a toss about others' opinions. They are no use to me whatsoever.

[quote 1940s]@Sleeplessem yes peer reviewed. Do your own research and open your mind to the fact and science that breastfeeding reduces risk of cancer. [/quote]
I breastfed my daughter for 22 months, so I’m all for breastfeeding but I’m also pro mum. when I was struggling at the beginning, judgemental comments from support groups and helplines overstating the benefits of breastfeeding and the ‘risks’ of formula made me feel like a failure. So I don’t think it’s helps anyone when the benefits are drastically over stated as you’ve done. All it does is exacerbate guilt in mother’s who for whatever reason didn’t breastfeed.

The reason that breastfeeding rates are so dismal in the Uk is the awful lack of support to establish breastfeeding often straight after birth , the constant undermining of breastfeeding by health professionals compounded by the intense pressure from health professionals to switch to formula at the first sign of difficulty rather than providing support.

In summary I do not believe that the telling mums ad nauseum the benefits of breastfeeding is the answer to anything, it’s support.

Also sorry but lactivism is a thing, not a name you’ve been called. It’s the placing breastfeeding above all else, including at points the mums mental health.

@Sleeplessem can you please highlight where I have drastically overstated the benefits of breastfeeding?

@1940s

You worded a previous post in such a way as to give the impression that not breastfeeding was a factor in 2 young women you know, getting breast cancer.

You also stated the reduction as if it was absolute rather than relative, i.e. giving the impression it reduces incidence by 4.3% when it actually reduces it by 4.3% of 12% (or thereabouts), thus by ~0.0048%.

[quote 1940s]@Sleeplessem can you please highlight where I have drastically overstated the benefits of breastfeeding? [/quote]
As @FloconDeNeige said!

[quote FloconDeNeige]@1940s

You worded a previous post in such a way as to give the impression that not breastfeeding was a factor in 2 young women you know, getting breast cancer.

You also stated the reduction as if it was absolute rather than relative, i.e. giving the impression it reduces incidence by 4.3% when it actually reduces it by 4.3% of 12% (or thereabouts), thus by ~0.0048%.[/quote]
I never stated that formula feeding lead to two very close friends having breast cancer. I stated they were cross not to know that breastfeeding reduces the risk. Which is does. And feeding more than one child for more than one year stacks up. Why you want to dismiss these claims is ridiculous.

[quote 1940s]@RobinPenguins I agree with the
'Negatives' you've stated. So many of those can be combatted with the right support. So many other countries have higher rates of breastfeeding without those negatives so what is our healthcare system doing differently? We are told from the first booking in 8 week appointment to breastfeed and those who don't want to will face a barrage from midwives and HV. Yet where is the support to help? To stop those negatives?[/quote]
Tbh I had support coming out of my ears - all my friends and family breastfed, my best friend’s mum is a community

What would have helped me - and many of the women I’ve spoken to since - would be lowering the stakes. It’s not as important as it’s made out to be, it’s really not. If it could have all been kept a bit more low key I think I’d have avoided a lot of what made me stop (impact on mental health). I also think demonisation of mixed feeding does more harm than good too. It was sold to me as all or nothing, and since I couldn’t do all, I had to go for nothing. Looking back now, I feel it would have been a lot better to encourage some breastfeeding, rather than exclusive breastfeeding. I know they try to discourage until breastfeeding is established but those early weeks are the point where for so many women it all goes wrong and they stop. It feels like the aim of many organisations purporting to provide support isn’t making sure babies get breastmilk it’s making sure they don’t get formula - those are two different things and I think they’re the wrong way round. Maybe the full benefits aren’t realised with mixed feeding, but they’re so minimal anyway.

No I absolutely wouldn't judge. However you seem like you want to try. Why not give it a try and if it's not working out then go for bottle.

I was actually totally against breastfeeding at the start of my pregnancy. I just really didn't fancy it. However as the pregnancy went on I decided to try it. I actually enjoyed the bonding but my milk didn't come in and we lasted a week before I finally gave up. I did feel a bit like I had failed but tried not to get too worked up about it.

I tried again with my second and she was even worse at feeding and I gave up after 3 days. She had a tongue tie that I only found out about when HV came out when she was about 2wks old and happen to mention it. No one told me at all. She was rubbish at bottle feeding too and weaning. A difficult baby in general lol.

I stated they were cross not to know that breastfeeding reduces the risk. Which is does.

Nobody has said it doesn’t. It the magnitude of the effect that you’re obscuring.

Also, if either of these women had familial incidence, were overweight, smoked, didn’t exercise frequently etc. then those factors are far more influential.

If you sit on the sofa breastfeeding all day with no exercise and a BMI of 30, it’s laughable to think it’ll have any meaningful beneficial effect and it will in no way offset the other risk factors.

The adage, "fed is best" is wrong. Breast is best. There's mountains of research to back that up. But that doesn't mean that formula is wrong.

Breast is best. Formula is absolutely fine.

I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for formula feeding. There's far too much judgement towards mothers and their choices.

Nope, it wouldn't cross my mind to even question it tbh and it would be none of my business anyway.

@afuckinggoat

The adage, "fed is best" is wrong. Breast is best. There's mountains of research to back that up. But that doesn't mean that formula is wrong.

Breast is best. Formula is absolutely fine.

I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for formula feeding. There's far too much judgement towards mothers and their choices.

Where is this evidence?

@afuckinggoat

The adage, "fed is best" is wrong. Breast is best. There's mountains of research to back that up. But that doesn't mean that formula is wrong.

Breast is best. Formula is absolutely fine.

I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for formula feeding. There's far too much judgement towards mothers and their choices.

In absolutely every situation? If the answer to that is ‘no’ then please stop trotting out these blanket statements which are false and harmful. Thanks.

Exactly as @MayorGoodwaysChicken has said.

@afuckinggoat

TRIGGER WARNING
If a mum is suicidal and ends her life - suicide is the leading cause of death in the first year after having a baby - was breastfeeding worth it?

Your comment is naive.

No I wouldn't judge. I tried desperately to EBF both my children, but with my first there were physical problems getting in the way and with my second I couldn't hack it mentally. I was berating myself and berating myself when DH said what's the problem, nearly everyone formula feeds don't they? And I realised yes most people do and they have very good reasons why so why am I making myself miserable by feeling so guilty!

If you want to FF just do it and don't give it a second thought, like most of the rest of the country. You don't need permission.

See, threads like this (and other similar “would you judge?” threads), are the ultimate in why Mumsnet is not a supportive place.

Many people will judge many of the things you do, but if you don’t ask, you won’t know they’re judging! Don’t ask if others would judge because you don’t know these internet strangers! They and what goes on their minds has absolutely zero impact on your life.

That’s the beauty of ignorance is bliss and believing in your own decisions as a parent.
How you feed your child or your reasons for doing so is of no business to anyone else.

The lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep. The only persons opinion that matters here is yours and your partners.

I didn't try either time and couldnt care less if I was judged . It just wasn't for me !

I wouldn’t judge someone for not breastfeeding a baby. I would judge them for not even attempting it once though! It is natures default option after all. What do you have to lose? Even if you just try it for one day? You and your baby might both really love it and never look back.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I wouldn’t judge someone for not breastfeeding a baby. I would judge them for not even attempting it once though! It is natures default option after all. What do you have to lose? Even if you just try it for one day? You and your baby might both really love it and never look back.

Sorry but this is painfully patronising. You have zero idea of the many complex reasons a woman can have for choosing not to attempt breastfeeding and the trauma that just ‘giving it a go’ could cause.

I think I need to step away from breastfeeding threads from now on. I just find it so depressing reading the utter tripe that is trotted out.

I think it's sickening tbh how people judge others for not "even trying" to breast feed there babys, weather breast or formula from the start there little ones are getting everything they need to grow and develop, it's like saying "I'm gonna judge you because your babys on aldi mamias formula and mines on hip organic" just because its costs more when they do the same effing thing!! My sons were and are FF yet my sons friend was BF, yet you couldn't tell the difference, both are very similar on alot of ways, everyone has there reason for choosing to not BF, they should never be judge, even if it is because they just didn't want too, there feeding there babys, helping them grow and be content, and showing them love and care, bless em 😊

The comment's on this thread are why people have issue's in the first place, some should be ashamed of themselves

As long as baby is fed healthy and happy why should anything else matter? And to add that mum is healthy and happy too, all this pressure isn't good for a new mother's mental health either.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I wouldn’t judge someone for not breastfeeding a baby. I would judge them for not even attempting it once though! It is natures default option after all. What do you have to lose? Even if you just try it for one day? You and your baby might both really love it and never look back.

Sorry but this is so naive.

giving the impression it reduces incidence by 4.3% when it actually reduces it by 4.3% of 12% (or thereabouts), thus by ~0.0048%.

Your maths is wrong, 4.3% of 12% is 0.516%. Which sounds like nothing (and we'll gloss over the choice to use the smallest most manipulated number, the largest number in that quote was a 28% reduction for those who BF over 12 months) but a 4.3% reduction in breast cancer means 2,365 fewer women getting breast cancer a year and 500 fewer deaths per year which doesn't sound so shabby.

Trouble is that Britain has some of the worst BFing rates in the world (worse even than the US where women have just a few weeks of maternity leave). So rather than arguing about whether or not women are judged for the way we feed our children we should be working together to improve our breast feeding rates which are the worst in the world. And that means improving the culture around BFing and providing real support for women who come from families where there are generations of women who haven't BF and don't know what normal BFing looks like and so can't help when a new mother is struggling and perpetuate the lies spread by the formula companies in the past. For every other foodstuff we recognise that the healthiest foods are the least processed and yet we are choosing to feed the majority of our infants with the most processed foodstuff imaginable that has a long history of ethical scandals instead of the foodstuff with the fewest food miles and lowest cost.

Why on Earth do people judge how another mother chooses to feed her baby? What in the blue fuck does it have to do with anyone else? How does it impact your life?

Just not enough going on in your own lives, I guess, if you’re that fixated on what someone chooses to do/not do with THEIR boobs.

Bored, boring fucking weirdos.