Would you judge someone who didn't try...

[hermioneweasley48]

To breast feed?

I know this is a subject that can become quite divisive but I'm looking for facts, opinions and experience not nastiness.

I'm pregnant with dc2 and my first child is 10 so big age gap. When I had dc1 I was young and had a very traumatic birth and wasn't given much help or encouragement to breastfeed. So dc ended up being exclusively bottle fed. He's always been a healthy child and settled quickly as a baby. He was just very easy to manage and other than the usual struggles of babies/toddlers I felt very relaxed as a young, new mum.

I always said if I had another I would try to breastfeed purely for the baby's benefit. But as I look around at friends who have/are doing it, it seems pretty stressful. Their babies don't tend to settle as well and I had one friend in particular who pushed herself to the brink of madness being determined to feed her baby herself. Others have suffered huge guilt when they tried and failed.

Is it rally that bad to go for the 'easy option' here? I've done my research, I know the health benefits to baby but looking at my older dc who never had an ounce of breast milk in his life, kids can thrive without it. Or is that a selfish attitude from me?

I'm just weighing up my options at this point. After such a long break between babies I am understandably nervous about going back there and want to make life easy as possible for us all.

I wouldn't judge you.

My kids are 16 snd 14. I tried with my first but she had a hugely traumatic birth (head trauma) and she would latch on at all. I wasn't supported at all by the midwives, just told me she was 'starving'. So I gave her formula.

With my second I had a better birth so tried to breastfeed. I found it immensely painful but persisted. Again, I got very little support. I had no clue what I was doing. I tried to breast feed for a few weeks but honestly had no clue how I was doing. Baby seemed just really distressed. So I mixed fed for a bit, then went full formula.

I remember feeling that BF v FF was THE most important issue when I was a younger mum. Now they and all their peers are strapping teens......honestly, no one can tell and no one cares.

@hermioneweasley48 my mother died suddenly when my daughter was 2 months old and I found the night feeds really isolating. Hours of crying in the dark. That is when I tried to move over to bottle so my husband could do it but my daughter wouldn't take the bottle at all so I was stuck breastfeeding. She absolutely refused the bottle. But when she was 10-11 months old, she started using a straw and the formula didn't unsettle her or upset her tummy or anything if that's what you're asking.
My friend had a very serious post partum haemorrhage and was very weak and anaemic after birth. Her milk never really came in and she tried so hard to feed but her son just was screaming all the time as he wasn't getting milk from the breast and as soon as she moved over totally to formula, he was really settled.
Different strokes for different folks

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

Why does it matter though, what anyone else thinks? You're a grown woman, make your choice and don't apologise for it.

Exactly this. I’m more concerned about why you are so bothered by people’s opinions, especially those of random strangers. Do what makes you and baby happy.

No judgement whatsoever from me whatever you decide. But formula feeding is not necessarily easier. I’ve done both. I found breastfeeding tougher initially for a couple of months and was at the point of giving up but persevered and once it was established it was so much easier than formula. I enjoyed this easier and cheaper way of feeding for over ten months.

I wouldn't judge you, and I breastfed my DD for 4 years. In fact, I didn't really notice how other people were feeding their babies, other than as a passing observation.

Bf was stressful in early days, but once established, I found it really easy being able to whip a boob out when DD was hungry. Formula feeding looked much harder in that respect.

I think you need to feel confident in the reasons why you are choosing to FF over BF, so you don't feel so self conscious. But really, I don't think anyone will notice or have time to judge.

No.
Whilst there may be benefits (including convenience) I don't know someone else's circumstances.
Not my baby, not my business.

I don't understand why it's all so sided- just give it a go, and if you struggle, stop?! You're not invested as strongly as the friend you described as battling on and suffering, so you won't end up in that position. But I know people that did not breastfeed their first at all, gave it a go with their second, intending maybe justfor the collostrum, but found it a breeze and carried on. No harm in having a go, and if it doesn't suit you or your baby for any reason, there's nothing lost.

Why does it matter? You choose what's best for you and baby.

Everyone near me looks like they have such an easy time breastfeeding it made me feel extremely guilty. I tried with both kids. Slightly breastfed second one a little longer than the first one maybe by about 2 weeks. I just couldn't do it because I didn't know how to. I've gotten over it and it's what was best for me and my kids.

Yes I would definitely judge silently

Anyone that would judge you is not someone who's opinion you should care about OP. Sounds like you're doing the best for your baby by making the best choice for yourself. Your mental health is paramount when it comes to being a good mam.

I'd be far more likely to judge someone who posts judgemental, incorrect replies designed to make someone feel bad than someone making an informed and sensible choice.

Yes. I absolutely did judge until I had dc myself and woke up to the realities of women’s life.

Now I wouldn’t judge any woman for choosing how her body can be used.

I have bottle fed and breast fed. So I have no allegiance to either “camp”.

No I wouldn’t judge. I think everyone needs to make their own choices, based on them and their baby and no one else.

However, I would say that your perception of breastfeeding as difficult is not always the case. I found it pretty easy to establish (and very very easy to maintain once we were into our stride). If you are sure it’s not for you, then fine - don’t worry about anyone else’s perception. But if you are deciding against it because you think it will be hard, it might be worth a try to see how you find it this time.

It’s none of anyone else’s business.

And there is very little evidence that BF provides that many more benefits than formula.

Interestingly I posted a thread here some years ago when my sister who had failed to BF her first baby decided she didn’t want to try with the second because she felt That she would have failed her first, iyswim.

The thread was several hundred posts long, and the almost unanimous opinion was that other posters would feel the same.

I do if there's no reason other than it not being the easy option.

Tbh it seems that you are putting how settled etc your 1st was down to the bottle feeding but it was probably just his personality/luck

I've BF 3 kids, all totally different personalities and varying amounts of settledness. No 2 in particular was Mr chilled and a very easy little soul. None of mine have been great sleepers but BFing and cosleeping as maximised my sleep (for 2 and 3 anyway). Another friend bottle fed one (terrible sleeper) and BF one (terrible sleeper) and another has BF 3 who all slept through from a few weeks old

Breastfeeding is very hard, and it can very easily lead to a lot of problems with sleep/settling. Not for everyone, but for lots of people and for every single person I know on real life and many many many posters on here. It's almost as though people aren't allowed to be honest about bf unless it comes with the addition of "but soooooo worth it to do the very best for my baby".

Formula has everything your baby needs. It massively frustrates me to see PPs saying they would judge you, I think it says a lot about their character. Please don't feel bad about taking the "easy" option; even if it is, why make things harder for yourself and your family. On balance, a mother with more sleep and better mental health is much more important than breastfeeding, in my opinion.

I would judge you for judging breastfeeding as stressful, responsible for producing babies who tend not to settle as well and for pushing mothers to the brink of madness. I remember those comments from the mums who were formula feeding - and comments along the lines of 'your boobs will never be the same again' (they were just fine), 'you never get a minute to yourself, I couldn't be doing with that', 'it's important for husbands/grannies/etc to be involved in the feeding', and so on.

So no - I wouldn't judge you for not breastfeeding but the comments that many breastfeeding mums get are quite tiresome (and yes, the comments that mums who ff are equally tiresome, I do know that).

I breastfed DD1 for 6 months and DD2 for 1 day.
I got halfway through the first night and decided I couldn't do it all again.

I'm so much more relaxed and happier formula feeding and it means both girls can have the attention they need rather than me being stuck sat with a cluster feeding baby for hours on end.

Do what's best for you x

No not at all, none of my close friends or family bf. Once Mammy and Baby are happy and content then that's all that matters.

I'm not judging, I'm just speaking from my experience. When I had my dc I was young and so unsure about what I was doing. Bottle feeding gave me confidence because I knew it was a case of giving him x amount at x time and that meant I was doing it 'right'. As such we ended up in a pretty stringent routine and as a result he was a very settled, content baby who slept through the night from a pretty early age.

I don't know if breastfeeding would be the same because I've never done it. But I suppose the fact that you can't always tell how much baby is getting might worry me.

I'd have a read of some books - Informed is Best, Breastfeeding Uncovered - both by Amy Brown. Really good informative non judgemental books. Also if you decide to give breastfeeding a try then The Positive Breastfeeding Book.

She explains the health statistics behind FF/BF. e.g. most FF babies/children are absolutely fine, but on a population scale, FF babies cost the NHS more. that's a very basic explanation! Also there are not insignificant health benefits for you (obviously these need to be weighed up against any negative health effects potentially caused by breastfeeding)

I breastfeed my first son, he is 20 months now. I have a friend who FF her first, now 2. there are pros and cons but I lay in bed to breastfeed mine to sleep while she drives around for hours (literally, 2 hours for a nap, she wakes up if she stops driving) Breastfeeding was hard to establish for maybe 3-6 weeks, but I feel like its paid off (for me and him) as it tends to make my life much easier for sleep, regulating big toddler feelings, gives me moments of peace and quiet while he feeds 😂 I also love the closeness but appreciate you get that with a bottlefed baby too!

in your position, I'd have a read around of some really good breastfeeding sources, prepare as if to breastfeed and give it a try (if you want to). good luck 🥰

No. Fed is best. I was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed all my DC successfully. My DSis wanted to bottle feed her DC and there's zero shame in that choice. Both ways are equally fine.

No, of course not.

I have looked after women who have ground themselves down with exhaustion because they are so knackered from trying to breastfeed and, despite theirs and their baby's best efforts it just doesn't happen.

I remember going to visit a new mum, and this memory will stay with me forever. She had all her family downstairs, baby was 10 days old and when I went upstairs to see her she was in a chair, trying to breastfeed and sobbing, telling me that she couldn't do it and that she felt like a failure. I gave her a big hug and told her that it was okay if she didn't breastfeed and that it was okay if she changed her mind and that if she wanted to continue to try I'd support her, and if she wanted to bottle feed then I would help her with that too.

With the support of her partner we respectfully asked everyone downstairs to leave, and her partner went out to get some formula, and I showed them how to sterilise and bottle feed their baby and showed her how to express should she want to try again after a few days.

When I went back a few days later, mum was brighter, able to cope, had slept and told me she felt a lot better. She said she felt like she needed permission from someone just to stop trying and bottle feed.

I felt much more comfortable leaving her because she felt empowered, supported and that she had made the right decision for her and her baby. I explained to her that people shouldn't care about how another woman feeds their baby, and I would rather visit a mum who is healthy and well (mentally as well as physically) than someone who feels forced into something they don't want to do and feels isn't right for them.

We also have to remember that there are women who choose not to breastfeed because of lots of different factors or who simply cannot.

-life saving medication that must not be passed through breastmilk to baby

-they may have had breast cancer and are unable to breastfeed

-they may be unable to produce breast milk at all for whatever reason

-they may have experienced sexual abuse in the past

-they may just be uncomfortable with the prospect of breastfeeding.

As a health professional I understand the importance of breastfeeding however I don't think I will end up breastfeeding my baby unless I have some serious therapy/counselling to help me to do so.

Everyone has to do the right thing for them, and sod anyone else's opinion!

If I have a second the likelihood of me attempting to ebf is virtually nil. It caused so much heartache and trouble with DD, wasting weeks of our lives bouncing back and forth to hospital. Why on earth would I risk that happening again when I’ve got an older child I want to care for too? It’s also a lot easier to understand just how little difference breastfeeding makes in the grand scheme of things when you’ve got an older child who’s been formula fed and they’re happy, healthy, bright and share a wonderful bond with both me and her dad. So no, I wouldn’t judge at all.