Would you judge someone who didn't try...

[hermioneweasley48]

To breast feed?

I know this is a subject that can become quite divisive but I'm looking for facts, opinions and experience not nastiness.

I'm pregnant with dc2 and my first child is 10 so big age gap. When I had dc1 I was young and had a very traumatic birth and wasn't given much help or encouragement to breastfeed. So dc ended up being exclusively bottle fed. He's always been a healthy child and settled quickly as a baby. He was just very easy to manage and other than the usual struggles of babies/toddlers I felt very relaxed as a young, new mum.

I always said if I had another I would try to breastfeed purely for the baby's benefit. But as I look around at friends who have/are doing it, it seems pretty stressful. Their babies don't tend to settle as well and I had one friend in particular who pushed herself to the brink of madness being determined to feed her baby herself. Others have suffered huge guilt when they tried and failed.

Is it rally that bad to go for the 'easy option' here? I've done my research, I know the health benefits to baby but looking at my older dc who never had an ounce of breast milk in his life, kids can thrive without it. Or is that a selfish attitude from me?

I'm just weighing up my options at this point. After such a long break between babies I am understandably nervous about going back there and want to make life easy as possible for us all.

@Sleeplessem yes peer reviewed. Do your own research and open your mind to the fact and science that breastfeeding reduces risk of cancer.

It's comments and labels like lactivist that make me cringe. The massive majority of people that don't breastfeed had full intention to do so. But the information and support isn't there. Women's healthcare once again is massively understudied, underreported and under supported yet my fact that breastfeeding reduces risk of cancer (which is true) has me labelled as a lactivist. Very sad. I think women should be able to make informed choices and with information such as the benefit to the mother of breastfeeding not being widely known, how can people make informed choices?

I wouldn't judge you, no. I literally couldn't care less how you feed your baby.

But, I think breastfeeding is important to me and for my children. I believe it's the right thing to do, nutritionally and developmentally. It's the biological norm. As such I worked hard to breastfeed both my children - including my preemie who was in NICU and am glad I did.

And I think there should be lots more informed infant feeding support out there to myth bust and help women and babies through those tricky early weeks.

I’m always astounded by how many apparently intelligent people make blanket statements like ‘of course breastfeeding is best for the baby and for the mum’. I know a mum who was so dead set on breastfeeding her very small baby, even when it wasn’t going well, that she drove herself utterly demented almost to the point of a breakdown. She admits now that she regularly swore at her newborn in rage. You honestly think that’s better for a newborn who desperately needs nurturing and gentle care from its mum, than a bottle of warm and nutritionally balanced formula given by a less exhausted and mentally stable mother? You think that some absolutely minute reduction in potential risk of certain cancers (albeit an increase in risk of others) outweighs what happened to that woman’s mental health? The inability to apply critical thinking and understand that no one course of action is EVER the best thing for absolutely everyone, is staggering. There is so, so much more to health and well-being than what goes into and comes out of our bodies. It’s very sad that even in 2021 so many people don’t seem to understand that.

I know a mum who was so dead set on breastfeeding her very small baby, even when it wasn’t going well, that she drove herself utterly demented almost to the point of a breakdown. She admits now that she regularly swore at her newborn in rage. You honestly think that’s better for a newborn who desperately needs nurturing and gentle care from its mum, than a bottle of warm and nutritionally balanced formula given by a less exhausted and mentally stable mother?

It doesn’t automatically follow that breastfeeding itself is the problem and formula feeding the solution there though. It sounds like breastfeeding was important to her but she was entirely unsupported, which is usually the issue.

It's comments and labels like lactivist that make me cringe. The massive majority of people that don't breastfeed had full intention to do so. But the information and support isn't there. Women's healthcare once again is massively understudied, underreported and under supported yet my fact that breastfeeding reduces risk of cancer (which is true) has me labelled as a lactivist. Very sad. I think women should be able to make informed choices and with information such as the benefit to the mother of breastfeeding not being widely known, how can people make informed choices?

IME it’s often the way the information is presented, not the facts themselves. (I haven’t read back up the thread so that’s not a dig because I don’t know how you stated it). Suggestions that women are uneducated, didn’t try hard enough, have been “taken in” by big formula marketing - of course they’re not well received, it’s patronising.

And I agree about informed choice - but I wasn’t given an informed choice because all I was told about were the benefits of breastfeeding. Some of which, like the cancer example you gave, are statistically significant and have a robust evidence base behind them, others, like IQ and childhood obesity which I now know are massively overblown. But no one told me about the risk of jaundice or low blood sugar or excessive weight loss or readmission to hospital on multiple occasions (with a full term baby who had been born perfectly healthy), or the impact of sleep deprivation on my mental health and the increased risk of post natal depression associated. I had no clue that any of that was a possibility with EBF because I wasn’t given the facts.

I probably would still have chosen to try to breastfeed. But at least I’d have been given all the information to make an informed choice. As things stand, women aren’t given that and it’s not in the way you claim.

It is none of my business. As long as your child is fed.

@RobinPenguins I agree with the
'Negatives' you've stated. So many of those can be combatted with the right support. So many other countries have higher rates of breastfeeding without those negatives so what is our healthcare system doing differently? We are told from the first booking in 8 week appointment to breastfeed and those who don't want to will face a barrage from midwives and HV. Yet where is the support to help? To stop those negatives?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m always astounded by how many apparently intelligent people make blanket statements like ‘of course breastfeeding is best for the baby and for the mum’. I know a mum who was so dead set on breastfeeding her very small baby, even when it wasn’t going well, that she drove herself utterly demented almost to the point of a breakdown. She admits now that she regularly swore at her newborn in rage. You honestly think that’s better for a newborn who desperately needs nurturing and gentle care from its mum, than a bottle of warm and nutritionally balanced formula given by a less exhausted and mentally stable mother? You think that some absolutely minute reduction in potential risk of certain cancers (albeit an increase in risk of others) outweighs what happened to that woman’s mental health? The inability to apply critical thinking and understand that no one course of action is EVER the best thing for absolutely everyone, is staggering. There is so, so much more to health and well-being than what goes into and comes out of our bodies. It’s very sad that even in 2021 so many people don’t seem to understand that.

👏👏👏👏

I wouldn't judge. I breastfed both mine but it was a huge struggle at first to establish feeding and I was lucky to have very good support to get me over that hurdle. After that I really enjoyed BF and it served us all very well. BF babies do feed more often at the beginning, but then there are dividends too - magic booby solves everything for a small child (hungry/tired/cross/ill/overwhelmed etc) and it actually feels quite freeing to know you've got everything they need without having to lug a big bag round with you.
But I've also seen women who've become absolutely tormented when they couldn't feed, and who have ended up with severe PND and long-term feelings of failure, which are exacerbated by the pressure the BF. Having an unhappy mum does the child no bloody good either.

Some (many) women find BF easy from the off. There's such a range of experiences.

OP, if you'd like to try BF, why not give it a go? If it works for you, great - and even if you only do it for a few weeks, baby will get some health benefits. But you seem secure that FF works for you too, and will be able to switch to that if you decide it's not working out for you without any guilt.

Wow @LowlyTheWorm Your babies might be better off having a bottle if your milk is as sour as your attitude. What a horrible reply you should be ashamed.

@hermioneweasley48 your baby will be just fine whatever decision you make. I myself breastfed first baby and then had twins. One twin was not interested in the boob. The second was tiny and very slow to gain so I was nervous about monitoring how much he was taking and with three babies under 2 I decided to bottlefeed. All three are perfectly healthy 6 years on. Congratulations and good luck.

@MiddleParking

I know a mum who was so dead set on breastfeeding her very small baby, even when it wasn’t going well, that she drove herself utterly demented almost to the point of a breakdown. She admits now that she regularly swore at her newborn in rage. You honestly think that’s better for a newborn who desperately needs nurturing and gentle care from its mum, than a bottle of warm and nutritionally balanced formula given by a less exhausted and mentally stable mother?

It doesn’t automatically follow that breastfeeding itself is the problem and formula feeding the solution there though. It sounds like breastfeeding was important to her but she was entirely unsupported, which is usually the issue.

It really wasn’t the issue. We’re lucky enough to live in an area with great bf support and she was also attending a group specifically for mums suffering with their mental health. She has a wonderful hands on husband (if anything he was a little ‘too’ supportive of her continuing with breastfeeding) With the best will in the world and great support, for some people breastfeeding is a torturous experience and the baby doesn’t thrive. Adequate isn’t some trump card that solves each and every issue that people face with breastfeeding. Some people are simply determined to find excuses to make it always best for everyone, if only they had this or that. It’s a failure to acknowledge that sometimes it just isn’t a good choice for the mum or the baby, which can have dangerous consequences.

Adequate? That should say supper!

Argggh support! Bloody autocorrect!

@LowlyTheWorm

So you’ve not really looked at the health benefits and statistics then. You’ve looked at your child who was fine formula fed and decided not to bother. And judged your friends who have breastfed as having less settled babies.you’ve made your mind up which is fine but yes I judge people who choose the easier option over the one that is best for their child’s health and well-being for such trivial reasons. I’d only ever tell them that when, like you, they ask. Formula feeding costs the NHS a lot of money over the years as a result of the poorer health collectively of FF babies and the increased rates of cancers that would be prevented by BFing. Those are the facts.

What cancers and where is your evidence?

I BF to 20 months, but I am always baffled that anybody else cares how other people’s children are fed.

If you want to bottle feed, go for it. I found not having to faff with sterilising and taking enough bottles out with me way easier, but if that isn’t a barrier to you then do what works for you.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m always astounded by how many apparently intelligent people make blanket statements like ‘of course breastfeeding is best for the baby and for the mum’. I know a mum who was so dead set on breastfeeding her very small baby, even when it wasn’t going well, that she drove herself utterly demented almost to the point of a breakdown. She admits now that she regularly swore at her newborn in rage. You honestly think that’s better for a newborn who desperately needs nurturing and gentle care from its mum, than a bottle of warm and nutritionally balanced formula given by a less exhausted and mentally stable mother? You think that some absolutely minute reduction in potential risk of certain cancers (albeit an increase in risk of others) outweighs what happened to that woman’s mental health? The inability to apply critical thinking and understand that no one course of action is EVER the best thing for absolutely everyone, is staggering. There is so, so much more to health and well-being than what goes into and comes out of our bodies. It’s very sad that even in 2021 so many people don’t seem to understand that.

This.

And this was me too. The midwives who visited me at home having a crisis, trying to pump after breastfeeding latch was poor and this contributed to my PND and feeling suicidal, even said they weren't meant to suggest stopping pumping but they would in my case. As happy mum = happy baby. They made me feel like a good mum for stopping.

Attitudes like @LowlyTheWorm are what worry me, I don't want people to think I don't care or haven't put my baby first.

People are entitled to their opinions. I think those that share an opinion of being judgy, are the vast minority, as this thread shows, but that minority does exist.

So really, your question should be, am I bothered about the judging from a minority of people, sort of regardless of the question. Why are you so bothered by what people think?

Wow. So much judgement from a few posters!

OP, feed your baby however you like. Absolutely no judgement from me. I was one of those who persevered with my first for 6 weeks, baby didn't gain any weight despite feeding round the clock, I was exhausted and recovering from a very traumatic birth, I was hounded by midwives who wanted to weigh him every other day but offered no real help other than "you must be missing feeding cues" and making me feel like shit. Changed him to formula and he thrived and I was a better mum for it.

Also, aware this is purely anecdotal, but the "sickest" babies I know are the ones who were EBF til they were 2. Multiple allergies and food intolerances. Whereas bottle fed DS eats like a horse and has had nothing worse than a cold for 3 years so far.

@LowlyTheWorm

So you’ve not really looked at the health benefits and statistics then. You’ve looked at your child who was fine formula fed and decided not to bother. And judged your friends who have breastfed as having less settled babies.you’ve made your mind up which is fine but yes I judge people who choose the easier option over the one that is best for their child’s health and well-being for such trivial reasons. I’d only ever tell them that when, like you, they ask. Formula feeding costs the NHS a lot of money over the years as a result of the poorer health collectively of FF babies and the increased rates of cancers that would be prevented by BFing. Those are the facts.

Wow. What a disgusting comment.

I wouldn't judge but I would say that for as many people who find it hard to breastfeed there are just as many who find it very easy. I would be open minded and see how you feel after the birth. You can decide not to try, try for a day, two days, a week. Just do what's right for you. You probably won't know until the time.

I would never judge any woman who didn't breastfeed. In this day and age where we are all about women's choices, how can so many people still judge?

I had a horrible traumatic labour and birth with my DS. in the middle of the pandemic, I was alone and in a foreign hospital. DH didn't meet DS til he was 4 days old.
I tried desperately to breastfeed whilst we were in hospital, but with no support from the midwives and being told we weren't leaving if DS lost too much weight I ended up FF. Once home from hospital I made the decision not to try anymore. I had bad birth injuries, and looking back a bit of PND, and I just wanted my baby to be fed and happy. No regrets now.
If I have another, I will probably go straight to FF too.

@LowlyTheWorm

So you’ve not really looked at the health benefits and statistics then. You’ve looked at your child who was fine formula fed and decided not to bother. And judged your friends who have breastfed as having less settled babies.you’ve made your mind up which is fine but yes I judge people who choose the easier option over the one that is best for their child’s health and well-being for such trivial reasons. I’d only ever tell them that when, like you, they ask. Formula feeding costs the NHS a lot of money over the years as a result of the poorer health collectively of FF babies and the increased rates of cancers that would be prevented by BFing. Those are the facts.

Your user name is fitting... what a gross comment

I'd never judge. I tried with my first and due to me having no milk and her struggling to latch I switched to formula. I could maybe get a drop or two but nothing near enough to actually feed a baby. The support was minimal and it affected me massively in the first few weeks. Even now, years later, I have an aversion to my boobs and can't bear them being touched.

I didn't try with my second, I couldn't go there again mentally, plus I had a toddler running around so FF worked for us.

I was convinced I'd be able to do it and felt I'd failed my DC but they're happy and healthy and tracked their percentiles well throughout.

My first baby was super easy. She was in SCIBU for the first few days and the nurses insisted on bottle feeding her despite the breast milk only signs. Amazingly, as soon as we were home she took to breast feeding like a dream.

DC2 different story. Easy birth and home in 24 hours. Slept a lot, very happy, fed so much. I found it excruciatingly painful - not just the feeding which was painful in itself, but the womb contractions were just as bad as labour. If I hadn't known from first time round how much more convenient it was, I would not have persevered. It did take a good few weeks to settle into a pattern.

So for me it wasn't that it was "better" for DC2. It was easier for me not to have to worry about bottles, sterilising, formula, travelling. It was the "always available" that sold me to be breastfeeding. I was also a bit nervous about getting the formula wrong.

As other posters say, you'll be judged whatever you do as a mother. I got loads of disapproval for breast feeding. (Live in an area with extremely low rates)