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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 08:02

For those men who were useless at birth did they go on to be useless as dads?

SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 08:02

Giving birth is not an 'experience' like one of those experience days you book to go up the London Eye or to Madam Tussauds. No one has a 'right' to a front-row seat except the labouring mother.

It's stressful, painful and traumatic. And the mother has a greater chance of getting through it safely and having a healthy baby if she feels properly supported. If she feels stressed or unsupported, more chance of interventions/labour not progressing and things going wrong. So giving birth is absolutely the one time that women shouldn't 'suck it up' and should do what is right for them.

My DH really wanted to be at the birth of our first DC and was very supportive beforehand but he ended up feeling really stressed and nauseous throughout the entire birth. He kept complaining that the hospital was too hot and having to pop out for air, leaving me unsupported and having to deal with him not feeling well as well as my own pain. Having said that, I wouldn't have wanted my mother there as she couldn't have coped with seeing me in pain and the trauma of the baby getting stuck at the pushing stage. DH told me afterwards it was so awful he just completely zoned out and couldn't watch.

Next time I'm having neither my mother nor my DH but a doula instead. Because that is what will work best for me. My DH's feelings don't count against the baby and I getting through the birth safely, I'm afraid.

starrynight21 · 09/07/2021 08:04

I'm the mum in that situation - I was there for my daughter's two births. It worked out really well, her DH and I were a good team and we were both very supportive of DD throughout.

But if her DH had been reluctant to have me there, I would have never pressed the issue. I don't like being unwanted or resented, and if there had been any negative feelings I'd have rather stayed away.

If you want your Mum there you need to speak seriously to your husband about it - otherwise she'll feel like an unwelcome guest .

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 08:07

@nat4392 I am very close to my mum, but I still wouldn’t want her at a birth. DH is close to her too, but I’m sure wouldn’t have wanted her at the birth. He would have accepted if I had said I wanted her there, but I think he would have been upset by it.

We didn’t even tell parents DS had been born until a couple of hours later, although that was partly down to the time DS was born and the complications after the birth.

Middlesboroughgirl · 09/07/2021 08:09

I would not want my mother in law there for such a personal moment so I can understand why he is annoyed at the suggestion. I would not want my own mother or anybody other than my husband there. But it will be you giving birth so you should do what you need to do and what gets you through it.

Zhampagne · 09/07/2021 08:14

[quote Pregnantmama93]@Cillmantain I have online antenatal classes booked one is next week he said he will do it with me. I have bought him two books but he never has been a reader and said he may flick through closer to the time but I highly doubt it Blush I did mention audios but he said they are a waste of moneyHmm . He has helped choose the buggy and changing station but everything else is always I don't know. I want him to be included in making decision sike this. A bit of topic but I am church of Englnd and he is Catholic I asked how he would like her christened/baptised but again its met with he doesn't know. I just feel like during birth when I need help making a decision he will say "I don't know" sound likes moaning and nagging now...[/quote]
I am really sorry OP but you have got a bigger problem than simply the roll call of people present in the room for the birth.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 09/07/2021 08:15

@33feethighandrising that is a good point about watching videos of birth. It'll give him a feel of what to expect. He may very well say he can handle that or he may say actually it may be a good idea of having her present. I did explain that when we wanted it to be just us she'll leave the room when needed.

He will be the one cutting the cord and holding baby first after medical staff.

It is just for the extra added support of having her there.

OP posts:
MaMelon · 09/07/2021 08:19

Every birth is different though, and do what you see on a video may bear no resemblance to what happens at yours. It’s also very different when you’re both in the room snd in the zone and focusing on the birth, rather than watching a stranger give birth.

Remember also he may not want to cut the cord (I never understood that) or be able to hold the baby straight away.

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 09/07/2021 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 08:26
Shock
ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 08:27

How close does your DM live to you and the hospital?

EveryoneIsThere · 09/07/2021 08:33

I don't understand why you think you will need 'extra support'. I can see why your husband would be annoyed and put out.

CornedBeef451 · 09/07/2021 08:36

It might not be a special time, my births were both horrific!

My sister was amazing, she's an ex midwife, very calm in a crisis, more like a mom to me due to the age difference so she can tell me what to do and I trust her.

DH has some funny ideas about pain relief and for some reason kept trying to stop me having an epidural despite me being in labour for hours and everyone thinking it was the best idea as both times it was clearly going to be an assisted delivery.

He also thought I shouldn't have strong painkillers after an emergency c section because I wouldn't be able to look after the baby. Oh and I shouldn't have a blood transfusion in case of an allergic reaction.

This is why he is not a good advocate for me. The midwives and DS strategically ignored him and did what was best for me.

Sittinginthesand · 09/07/2021 08:38

I don’t think watching videos of other people giving birth will help him at all - it’s not the same at all watching other people. Also you really can’t plan who will hold baby first, cut cord etc, you can only have an idea of what you hope will happen. You can hope to take pictures but again it’s very far down the list of what’s important- you’ll remember it anyway! You may well (if all goes smoothly) be passed the baby immediately after birth while still attached, so it won’t necessarily be dh holding him first. Cutting the cord is symbolic but really of no importance, it’s a bit of a gesture to give the dad some role to play imo. You may not need help making decisions either - as others have said many women ‘go into themselves’, I know I was totally in my own world and could only focus on the midwife once things got going. I wouldn’t even have noticed if dh had gone.

Maggiesfarm · 09/07/2021 08:40

@strengthinnumber

Honestly I don't know. I mean in absolutely support your right to have whoever you want with you during birth, but 3 is a bit of a crowd. It was a really special time for DH and I, and then when it wasn't and things went a bit wrong he was an amazing advocate for me and having him there was fantastic. My mum would have taken over a bit and we would have missed out on a lot. Frankly DH would have been gutted and whilst you're the one giving birth (son ultimately choose) it is his baby as well.
I think just having your husband with you is enough. I wouldn't have wanted my mother there anyway, I don't think her presence would have added anything. It was a lovely experience with my husband.
jackstini · 09/07/2021 08:45

You have to do what's right for you

I ended up being my sister's second birthing partner. Not planned - but I was there when her waters broke 6 weeks early and she asked me to stay and her DP was fine

She was reassured on 2 levels - someone being there who had experienced pregnancy & birth, plus she would never be left alone. Labours can be long and that was important to her. Meant her DP was ok to go to the loo, bit of fresh air, sandwich etc. without worrying about leaving her

Hope it works out; your DP'd view is important - but you're giving birth and that trumps it!

IndigoJam · 09/07/2021 09:00

Here in Scotland your still only allowed one. I've told my partner if when I give birth its the same my mum will be coming with me not him. Last time he took himself a walk and got lost cause he was bored and the both of them were there that time.

You're the one giving birth you get to decide who'll help keep you calm and ready for it. If he doesn't like it then that's his problem not yours.

RB68 · 09/07/2021 09:01

For a variety of reasons pre covid I ended up with Mum and Dad, 2 sisters and my Husband - quite the party. But in the end during c section was just DH. I think he needs to learn this isn't about him and what he wants but about what you need and its not uncommon to have your Mum and its about the relationship you have with your Mum and not that she sees baby first.

BrandNewHeretic · 09/07/2021 09:07

@ineedaholidaynow

For those men who were useless at birth did they go on to be useless as dads?
My DH was completely and utterly useless. As soon as my contractions started he went white as a sheet and was a fumbling, stuttering mess. There were some complications and when I looked for him for support he burst into tears and I ended up consoling him! When I had my episiotomy he nearly passed out and a nurse had to sit him down and get him some toast. Needless to say, he wasn't with me for subsequent births - mum was with me for dc2 and I was alone for dc3 thing because of lockdown.

He is the fantastic father and husband. He does his fair and equal share of everything, without being asked, and loves being an active part of his kids lives - he's never just done the bear minimum. It's clear he not only loves his kids, but enjoys them. We've both taken our turns at being the SAHP to minimise the impact on both our careers.

I don't think how they react to Labour is necessarily a reflection on who they are as a parent and a spouse.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 09:14

you choose your birthing partner/s.
period

I had DH every time. never even considered anyone else.
But if I had the type of relationship with my mum that would mean no fear of her stressing me out & winding me up she would've been there. because it was me giving birth, me needing the support.
If DH had objected he'd just have to miss it because I wouldn't have cared to negotiate about my needs.

shivawn · 09/07/2021 09:33

My husband will be all the support I need, he is my life partner, love of my life and most important person in my world. I trust him 100%, its why I chose him.

I don't know, I don't get the relationship here. It seems like you have a pretty low opinion of your husband if you think you need someone else there to support you both? Against his wishes? Are you counting on him to be a good support once the baby is here?

33feethighandrising · 09/07/2021 09:50

@shivawn

My husband will be all the support I need, he is my life partner, love of my life and most important person in my world. I trust him 100%, its why I chose him.

I don't know, I don't get the relationship here. It seems like you have a pretty low opinion of your husband if you think you need someone else there to support you both? Against his wishes? Are you counting on him to be a good support once the baby is here?

ODFOD, have you any idea how smug you come across?

Wanting the support of a woman you trust who has experienced labour and birth (your own, even) is no slight on the OP's relationship with her DH.

Men, however lovely, do not know what it's like to give birth.

It's a very recent idea that a woman's male partner rather than her closest female family / friends should be there at the birth.

There is no right or wrong way, what's important is the wishes of the mother who has to do all the work.

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 09/07/2021 09:58

I wouldn't have wanted my mother there

You didn't but clearly the OP does

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 09/07/2021 10:00

@shivawn

My husband will be all the support I need, he is my life partner, love of my life and most important person in my world. I trust him 100%, its why I chose him.

I don't know, I don't get the relationship here. It seems like you have a pretty low opinion of your husband if you think you need someone else there to support you both? Against his wishes? Are you counting on him to be a good support once the baby is here?

Oh ffs
SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 10:05

I hate this idea that birth is always some kind of wonderful, joint event that a couple experience together. A bit like going to see the Northern lights or doing a couple's cookery course. I think NCT classes erroneously give the impression that each parent's role is equally important and partners are vital to the birthing process and should have a say in everything from cord-cutting to pain relief. In reality, labour is very much about the mother, who often endures hours of excruciating pain in what is a gruelling and sometimes terrifying process.

The father has no right to the intimate, wonderful birth experience of their choice. They don't get to make decisions like c-section or natural birth, epidural or gas and air. Their only role is to support the mother. If the mother needs someone else as well, they need to suck it up.

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