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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 09/07/2021 10:09

@SlothinSpirit

I hate this idea that birth is always some kind of wonderful, joint event that a couple experience together. A bit like going to see the Northern lights or doing a couple's cookery course. I think NCT classes erroneously give the impression that each parent's role is equally important and partners are vital to the birthing process and should have a say in everything from cord-cutting to pain relief. In reality, labour is very much about the mother, who often endures hours of excruciating pain in what is a gruelling and sometimes terrifying process.

The father has no right to the intimate, wonderful birth experience of their choice. They don't get to make decisions like c-section or natural birth, epidural or gas and air. Their only role is to support the mother. If the mother needs someone else as well, they need to suck it up.

I agree with this. DH’s only job was to give me back massages, not say anything, and when I got really fed up and chucked him and mum out take my mum for lunch Grin
MaMelon · 09/07/2021 10:15

I think NCT classes erroneously give the impression that each parent's role is equally important and partners are vital to the birthing process and should have a say in everything from cord-cutting to pain relief

No idea what sort of NCT class you went to but mine were absolutely not like that. The focus was completely on the mum, the role birth partner/husband/partner was all about advocating and supporting the woman through labour. This was twent-plus years ago, I imagine a well run NCT class is still the same. I went to an NHS run one for my third and that was the same.

anon12345678901 · 09/07/2021 10:16

@SlothinSpirit

I hate this idea that birth is always some kind of wonderful, joint event that a couple experience together. A bit like going to see the Northern lights or doing a couple's cookery course. I think NCT classes erroneously give the impression that each parent's role is equally important and partners are vital to the birthing process and should have a say in everything from cord-cutting to pain relief. In reality, labour is very much about the mother, who often endures hours of excruciating pain in what is a gruelling and sometimes terrifying process.

The father has no right to the intimate, wonderful birth experience of their choice. They don't get to make decisions like c-section or natural birth, epidural or gas and air. Their only role is to support the mother. If the mother needs someone else as well, they need to suck it up.

I agree. I had my mum in there and she was more help than my partner! if I hadn't had my mum I'd have regretted it. I had a particularly bad time during and after birth and I needed her support, his wasn't enough. I never asked him, I told him. I was the person giving birth, not him, and I wanted to feel supported and comfortable.
MotionActivatedDog · 09/07/2021 10:18

My mum was hanging about outside the labour room both times. Only because she was a midwife and worked there. If she hadn’t been working there she would have been at home anxiously awaiting a phone call to say baby had been born. We weren’t close and I didn’t want her in the room with me, however during my second labour when things got really tough I cried for her. I wanted her with me. But I didn’t ask for her as I didn’t feel I could and I know she preferred not to be with me. She was terrified if things went wrong she would blame herself as she was a midwife. I couldn’t ask that of her. Looking back now she’d have been fucking brilliant during it all. I wish I’d have had her.

MsHedgehog · 09/07/2021 10:20

@GreyhoundG1rl Come on, your comments on this thread are really patronising. I see you pop up often on other threads and agree with the majority of what you post as you’re one of the few here who see things logically, but surely you understand that during a birth, a woman should have who she wants. Labour and the immediate newborn stage is such a vulnerable time for women, that if a grown woman needs her mum, she needs her mum.

I had a c section so only needed and wanted my husband, but my mum came to stay when we were home to support us for the first few days. When she left, I sobbed like a baby all day long (to be fair, it coincided with baby blues...). I’m a grown woman, very independent and haven’t needed my mum for support in years yet all of a sudden, I was distraught at not having her there. Childbirth and then the very beginning of a newborn when you’re recovering and hormones are all over is when a woman is most vulnerable so wanting your mum is nothing to do with your partner’s ability to provide support, but a woman simply wanting another trusted woman there.

Hope that also helps you OP - if you need or even want your mum, that’s completely ok. You’re the one going through the birth, so you need to feel as comfortable as possible.

Zhampagne · 09/07/2021 10:22

@SlothinSpirit

I hate this idea that birth is always some kind of wonderful, joint event that a couple experience together. A bit like going to see the Northern lights or doing a couple's cookery course. I think NCT classes erroneously give the impression that each parent's role is equally important and partners are vital to the birthing process and should have a say in everything from cord-cutting to pain relief. In reality, labour is very much about the mother, who often endures hours of excruciating pain in what is a gruelling and sometimes terrifying process.

The father has no right to the intimate, wonderful birth experience of their choice. They don't get to make decisions like c-section or natural birth, epidural or gas and air. Their only role is to support the mother. If the mother needs someone else as well, they need to suck it up.

This was not at all my experience of NCT. The discussion around birth was very woman-centred and clear about the birth partner’s role in supporting and advocating for the mother.

However the content didn’t stop at birth and there was also discussion of how we would approach parenting from day one, which is a process where both parents are entitled to make decisions (and where a father may well have to in the event that the baby needs immediate interventions after birth). It doesn’t sound like some of the partners described in this thread have taken much responsibility to prepare for their roles in all this tbh.

SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 10:24

@MaMelon... my experience of NCT classes was that they hugely overrated the importance of the father. After the pain relief class, my DH felt entitled to say that he thought a 'natural' birth (by which he meant no pain relief) or hypnobirthing would be best for the baby, so that's what he would be supporting me to have. Needless to say, I shut him down quite quickly on that.

As it was, on the day he was so bored and uncomfortable, and scared witless by all the blood and screaming, that he really had very little to say about anything. I hardly noticed he was there amongst all the medical staff coming and going.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 09/07/2021 10:25

OP does he actually know anything at all about childbirth? Like that it usually takes hours especially for your first? And that it’s going to be messy? I think there’s plenty of scope for your mum to be a helpful birth partner for you without her impinging at all on the special moment you two meet your son and you become a little family. What if you agree she comes for labour and then when it gets to the pushing stage she steps out so that he gets to be first to see baby born? It won’t be just the two of you anyway, there will be a couple of midwives minimum in the room at that point too. And then you know your mum’s there in the building if he panics with the blood and gore and you need support from her instead. Maybe bring it up again after the online classes have happened?

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 10:27

I’m sorry to hear that @SlothinSpirit

Narwhalsh · 09/07/2021 10:34

It might be the case that your husband wants to step up and be your advocate during labour but will feel pushed out of the way if your mother is there. Have you discussed with him how you want things to go? Of course the first time you go through this you don’t know what to expect but becoming a parent is a life changing thing for him too, how is his relationship with her? If he feels emotional will be feel able to show it in front of her for example?

If birth goes smoothly then baby will likely be put straight on your chest and there will be some time which passes before cord is cut to allow blood transfer to the baby. Skin to skin for the first while (hour? I can’t remember) is standard for straightforward births and this normally would happen with the Mum. Cord cutting is extremely unceremonious! But the midwives would normally leave you and your baby in peace once everything is finished (placenta out, baby assessed etc) and it’s a very intimate time with you and your baby and your birthing partner so how would that be with your mum there too? It was never an option for me to have anyone but my DH with me so I don’t have experience of wanting or needing my mum there too but just trying to think from his point of view too.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 10:36

My son’s dad was as much use as a chocolate teapot. It was a long time ago and there was no possibility of having my mum there but I wish she could have been. I went through my second labour, which ended up being a stillbirth, on my own, I’ve never wanted my mum more.

You get to choose who’s there @Pregnantmama93. You and only you.

SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 10:39

Why does his point of view matter? Why have we got into the mindset of thinking that men's feelings trump women's safety in labour? If he feels 'pushed out", he needs to get over himself... he's not the one pushing it out Hmm!

The correct thing for him to say is "Whatever works best for you is fine with me".

knittingaddict · 09/07/2021 10:41

My husband has always been the most supportive person in my life, so I would always want him there before anyone else. He was great during my 2 births despite there being a lot of medical intervention with both of them. Also he is the babies father, so that goes a long way.

My mum would have been awful, so I defintely wouldn't have wanted her there.

I think to successfully have both the partner and mum at the birth the two birth partners would have to like each other and get on well. Anything else could lead to disaster and resentment.

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 10:47

Absolutely agree @knittingaddict. Fortunately my DH and my mum got on, and if I’d wanted her there she would have been there, absolutely.

Some of the situations on One Born Every Minute have been awful - I really feel for those news mums who have had to deal with them.

CescaCesca · 09/07/2021 10:50

It is about what you want to do personally. I don't actually have a great relationship with my mum, but I still wanted her with me as I was terrified of giving birth. I needed them both there to get through.

It's definitely worth having a conversation with them both about your preferences beforehand.

There was a couple of times my Mum took over a bit and my OH felt pushed out - I was too out of it to notice or say anything. I wish I had told my Mum to let OH lead the way and she be there in the background a bit more.

For my 2nd birth I had just me and OH and it was super special. However I felt a million times more confident 2nd time around and didn't need as much support.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 09/07/2021 10:59

Do what makes you feel comfortable especially when it is your first baby. My mum and DH were both there and I felt really supported good luck

MimiDaisy11 · 09/07/2021 11:03

I think it should be all about what you want. Even though I get his POV, yours take priority.

You say he’s panicky but do you think even in a situation where you’re the one in pain and going through it all that he would be anxious and causing you to panic? I can understand if that’s the case why you’d want someone level headed.

dopeyduck · 09/07/2021 11:07

I wish I had had my mum there. I needed her support and it would have made such a traumatic time easier. DP was obviously completely consumed with the baby who was poorly meanwhile I just floundered because I was so unwell and I needed someone.

Next time around my mum will have to have my older one whilst I'm away so won't be there but if I had another option I'd have her there.

Birth is personal and this is a time for you to do what you want and your husband to listen and respect your wishes.

Honestly as long as your baby arrives safe you husband will get over anything else.

roarfeckingroarr · 09/07/2021 12:11

Only DH because of COVID rules but if my mum were alive I would have wanted her there too. You're not unreasonable at all.

Rosesareyellow · 09/07/2021 12:28

You should do what you feel most comfortable with.
But I don’t think it bodes well for a relationship IMO. I know two friends who had their mums with them alongside their DPs during birth and labour. They are still over dependent on their mums in general and actually seemed to have a much closer relationship with their mums than their husbands. One is divorced now. The other’s marriage is very much on the rocks.

SemiFeralDalek · 09/07/2021 12:41

You have who you want. It's you giving birth, not him

I had my DM and dh at both my births.

It was just me and dh initially for DS2, but when it got to the sharp end, I was crying for my Mum. Luckily she was able to get there quickly and was allowed in the hospital (November lockdown) . Her being there meant she got to meet DS2 while he was alive, so I am forever grateful.

thebookworm1 · 09/07/2021 12:53

I must admit I totally understand your partner. The baby is yours, both of yours, and bringing a third party into it would feel so intrusive and to me, really inappropriate to be honest… I understand women who invite their mothers if the partner is not around but if I was him, I’d feel incredibly weirded out and hurt… sorry :(

HotPotatoHotPotato21 · 09/07/2021 13:27

I'm really torn on this, as much as I feel it's up to the mum who she has with her, I also think the father's feelings should be considered. I have a supportive, calm partner though and don't feel I need anyone else in with me excluding medical staff of course!
If I was the father in this, I'd feel very pushed out and that it should be a special moment for only us to share so I understand how your partner feels.
Op, you clearly have a great relationship with your mum which is really lovely. At the end of the day, you are the priority and the decision is yours.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 09/07/2021 14:27

@MsHedgehog thank you it has 😊

OP posts:
Figgygal · 09/07/2021 14:29

It wouldn’t have ever crossed my mind to have other than just my husband ( and drs obviously) at the birth of our child
I’m with your OH sorry