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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 08/07/2021 23:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

PurpleRainDancer · 08/07/2021 23:42

@strengthinnumber

Honestly I don't know. I mean in absolutely support your right to have whoever you want with you during birth, but 3 is a bit of a crowd. It was a really special time for DH and I, and then when it wasn't and things went a bit wrong he was an amazing advocate for me and having him there was fantastic. My mum would have taken over a bit and we would have missed out on a lot. Frankly DH would have been gutted and whilst you're the one giving birth (son ultimately choose) it is his baby as well.
Of course its his baby as well, but he's not giving birth to it.

Completely your choice who you have to support you OP Flowers

MitzyMooo · 08/07/2021 23:44

@ComDummings

It’s not up to him. If you want your mother there then have her there. It’s not about him, it’s about the person pushing out the tiny human.
I disagree, it's his baby as well
Zhampagne · 08/07/2021 23:45

What are you and he doing as a couple to prepare for the birth, OP? Are you doing any kind of antenatal course?

I agree with the PP who said that on some level he knows you have doubts about his ability to step up. That's something that you need to address as a couple. It won't go away after the birth.

hazandduck · 08/07/2021 23:49

My first birth it was just DH and he was like a deer in the headlights, that fear on his face made me feel worse.

For my second birth he was totally supportive of whatever I wanted, I opted for a homebirth and said I wanted my mum there. She had me at home and I just remember thinking, like you OP, she’s the one who cared for me and she’s done this 4 times before, she knows what to do and what I’m going through!

It was amazing that she was there, but really it was DH that was the support. He was so much better second time round, knowing what to expect and how to calm and look after me! At one point the midwife was rubbing my back and DH held one hand and Mum held the other. It was amazing but she didn’t really do anything (apart from text our family whatsapp that I’d had a girl before I’d even birthed the bloody placenta 🤣) The best person for me was my midwife! Mum took lots of lovely pictures of the moment Dd2 was born, we didn’t have any photos of Dd1’s arrival apart from the snaps I took of her afterwards. Those first moment pics are amazing to look back on.

I think in the moment you probably won’t care. But it’s the build up before that matters, you want to be as calm and happy as possible, get that oxytocin flowing and no stress. If that means having your mum there then so be it! It’s not about your partner. Birth is the one time you get to be selfish IMO and completely prioritise your needs.

hazandduck · 08/07/2021 23:53

Also I should add my DM took a sort of backseat really, she was just in the background. DH was the one holding my hand as I pushed and he cut the cord.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 23:55

Why would you let your DM insist being at the birth @Seasidemumma77? Would you let your MIL insist being there too?

Shadedog · 09/07/2021 00:05

I think the woman giving birth should have her wants prioritised but it would totally rub me up the wrong way if I was told I had to have my MIL around to calm me down and stop me panicking. Your DP will have plenty of time for a snooze and a coffee. Mine went and worked a full shift. I think there is a lot to be said for a traditional, woman centred, approach to childbirth, and I’m sure many men are there because it’s expected rather than because they are helpful or wanted (I’ve met some absolute arseholes on maternity wards) but even more to be said for the mother having the person she wants most. I suppose that’s why you should marry your favourite person.

HaveringWavering · 09/07/2021 00:11

@saleorbouy

Whoever was there at the conception should be at the birth... Smile I understand his feelings as it is a very special time for you both, depending on his relationship with your mother I can understand how he might think she need not be there. He should be given the chance to show his support and love for you as you go though this amazing moment together.
Well since my son was conceived in a Petri dish presumably in the presence of a couple of lab technicians, that would even have ruled me out 😀. Personally I would have hated the idea of having anyone there except my husband. My Mum was no longer alive but even if she had been the idea would have been terrible. My marriage is private. However my DH is also very calm and came to all the NCT classes so I knew he’d be trustworthy and able to make decisions if I was unable to. In the end it all went fairly smoothly.
Chelyanne · 09/07/2021 00:20

I can understand him being upset. He will be feeling a bit pushed out by you choosing your mum for support before him. If he is strongly against it then you should try to look at it from his point of view before inviting your mum to be there.

My mum hoped she'd be invited to the birth of our 1st but... I didn't want anyone but hubby with me.

Verbena87 · 09/07/2021 00:21

@Wearywithteens oh god yes, had DH with me as well and wouldn’t have coped without, but I had my sister as well and it was brilliant having both. My issue is with the idea that birth is by default an intimate, couple-only experience: I think that’s lovely if it’s your experience, but it’s not the only valid one.

By the same token, I did not say my birth was a nightmare. It wasn’t. It had ugly bits and scary bits and didn’t meet my expectations but it was, in the true sense of the word, awesome and humbling and transformative and beautiful too- again, we’re quick as a culture to attach value judgements to birth according to the specific details, and I think it’s a bit unhelpful.

Sparklfairy · 09/07/2021 00:30

Ugh if he flaps and fusses in a crisis then have your mum there. You'll need support and he will just make things worse!

Froglette16 · 09/07/2021 00:35

@GreyhoundG1rl

For my first DC, I had my mum, brother and DH there supporting me Sweet Jesus...
What’s the issue here? Sweet Jesus. Please do explain.
thefamous5 · 09/07/2021 00:36

I had my mum
And husband for our first because I was induced and we didn't know what to expect, but for the 3 subsequent babies it was just husband and I

QueeniesCroft · 09/07/2021 00:50

I had my husband with me for my first 4 births, but he was a bit rubbish (nice man, but his superpower is making it all about him...). For the fifth, I told him he couldn't be there, and it was actually much better and more relaxed (also much quicker, all done and dusted in under 2 hours). He still gets sulky about it occasionally, but I take no notice.

My mum wouldn't have wanted to be there, and I had nobody else to ask, but it was a great birth. I had a midwife with me the whole way through, and I wish I had been confident enough with my earlier births, to insist on being on my own.

QueeniesCroft · 09/07/2021 00:53

[quote Pregnantmama93]@Sittinginthesand You are 100% right there. We all have birth plans but how many go to plan![/quote]
After my second, I refused to write another one, because not one jot of notice was taken of them.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 09/07/2021 01:12

I was by myself for a lot of the scary bits of my third because DH was running around trying to find help! They were busy and understaffed! Your partner isn't thinking of things like that! Could you compromise that your mum steps out for the very last bit of the birth (the only “special" bit). Surely he wouldn't begrudge your mum there when you are scared and in pain?

MintyCedric · 09/07/2021 01:13

@Italiandreams

Personally I saw it is as special moment between my husband and I ( and about 7 medical staff as it happened!) I love my mum but can’t imagine anything worse than having her there. But that’s how I feel , doesn’t mean there is a right or wrong answer.
I was exactly the same...my mum is incredibly highly strung and absolutely would not have coped and would have made it a million times worse.

Thankfully she didn't expect to be there anyway.

Nat6999 · 09/07/2021 01:17

My mum was with me when ds was born, exh was useless & I wish I could have sent him home. My mum came in to theatre as ds was born by emcs & she was the first one to hold him, she kept me calm as I was terrified. She also looked after me on the high dependency ward the next day, helping me to get changed from my theatre gown, putting pads & pants on, washing me etc, brought me things that I wanted to eat as the food was awful & taught me how to look after ds. Your dh doesn't get a say in birth partners, it is you going through the birth, not him.

ivfgottwins · 09/07/2021 05:21

To be honest I can you why your husband is upset as it might have come across that you don't trust him to support you so youve asked your mum to step in?

Butterfly44 · 09/07/2021 05:25

Are you giving birth in hospital? Because the majority are only allowing one partner due to covid. I know restrictions are ending but ours have said policy is staying. So depending on your due date covid situation might overrule

Babymamma192 · 09/07/2021 05:34

Do what's right for you it's not upto him to decide!

I had my mum with me for my first labour and she was a big help especially to my husband when I was out of it on the gas and air 😂 I had a really long labour and she kept him company and he could go the toilet etc without worrying about leaving me.

Second Labour was during the first lockdown so could only have my husband it was fine but I did miss the support of my mum.
Ultimately its your decision and you need to have the most supportive people with you.

virginfannyornaments · 09/07/2021 05:48

I had just my mum. My EH was useless and possibly (probably) drunk. My mum was amazing and I wouldn't change it.

JennieLee · 09/07/2021 06:03

I am not sure about 'magical moments'. I think it is up there with 'making memories'. I also would find it crowded, especially if there wasn't a really good relationship between the two helpers.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 09/07/2021 06:27

Putting my hard hat on for this but I truly do not understand choosing to have children with someone who will be as useless in a birth situation as some pps describe their partners to be. How will they cope with the next 18 years of parenting?

OP, have who you want at the birth but I do think that you and your partner should be doing something constructive as a couple to prepare for birth and the early days. I don’t know if antenatal classes or NCT are running at the moment. It must be a bit shit for him to know that you expect him to panic at the birth.

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