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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 09/07/2021 06:31

I’m sorry I’m with your partner. My mum was desperate to be with us when I had our first baby. I said absolutely no way it’s about me and DH and our first steps as parents. She understood and respected our decision. I think two people plus you. Plus two midwives at the end is a bit much too

cauliflowerkorma · 09/07/2021 06:35

I just had my husband. I felt it was about the two of us.

I wouldn't have wanted him to feel pushed out and strangely i think i was braver without my mum.

I think his reaction is a bit OTT. I don't think it highly unusual or abnormal for a woman to want her mum around.

MilesOfSand · 09/07/2021 06:45

@GreyhoundG1rl

It's not about him.

He's just a spectator.

You need someone who will advocate for you if things go wrong or if your needs aren't being met. Not someone who has this rose tinted and controlling view of what your medical procedure and who is involved should look like.

What does all that mean? 🙄

It makes perfect sense to me.
ZenNudist · 09/07/2021 06:46

Just my husband. Didn't need my mum too. Seems a bit crazy and certainly annoying for him. You have midwives too. He's going to get pushed out. Most men get this with their wives do you are depriving him of an important life experience.

Also shitty for in law's. Really unbalanced and unfair.

Pinchoftums · 09/07/2021 06:51

For my 2nd and 3rd births (at home) DH went to bed apart for the pushing bit. For one it was just the midwife, between contractions we had chats. For the last child it was just me (midwife not available), I was happily in my own head not having to be interrupted by other peoole. Was my favourite birth! DH wasn't really needed, and though he is very loving and thoughtful I get really irritable during labour and everyone fucks me off. Far happier just me, the telly and my breathing. The very last thing you will want to be doing is managing stress between your Mum and husband. You want to be able to go into yourself and that is hard with external worry.

katienana · 09/07/2021 06:53

I had my mum with me as well as dh. It depends what your mum is like really, mine would never take over and is always happy to take her cue from us. I had some complications after the birth and it was good that she was there to cuddle my baby while dh was holding my hand when my stitches were getting done. She was also there to talk it over afterwards and help me process it where for dh it was all more of a blur and he is more of a "move on" and don't rehash it... she definitely helped encourage me to keep going when I was exhausted too. It is really special that she saw one of her grandchildren born and I'm really glad I gave her that memory. She wasn't there for the second as she was looking after the first but luckily it went a bit smoother.

rwalker · 09/07/2021 06:54

Up to you but I can totally see why he feels it like . If I was him I would feel pushed out and robbed of that magical moment where the 2 of you welcome the child you both created into the world .

Seasidemumma77 · 09/07/2021 07:06

@ineedaholidaynow

Why would you let your DM insist being at the birth *@Seasidemumma77*? Would you let your MIL insist being there too?
Because I was young. Everything she said to me about baby's father was true, he was utterly useless and was totally focused on his own needs during labour (food/naps) despite it only being a short labour!
CrouchEndTiger12 · 09/07/2021 07:14

Mothers insisting on being at the birth. Being first to hold baby. Saying the DH is useless

Sorry your mother's have had their turn. They had their children. Being first to hold baby...so unfair.

How many threads a day hating MILs on here are there and women saying you have a dh problem not an overbearing mil problem.

It's OK for your mother to cut your husband off so she can muscle in and tell you your dh is crap.

I don't get these enmeshed relationships with mummy at any age.

Doghead · 09/07/2021 07:29

Tbh, I think the idea of having your mother there is absolutely potty and seems a bit weird. I agree with your partner.....it should be just the two of you.

33feethighandrising · 09/07/2021 07:33

You are the one giving birth, your DP needs to get his head round that.

There will also be midwives in the room, is he OK with that? Of course he is. So why not your mother?

Traditionally, the men had to wait outside and the women supported the mother in labour. He's lucky he's in modern times and allowed in at all!

In both my births, I could have done with support from an experienced wan in addition to DP. I expected that to come from the midwife, but both times they spent a lot of my labour with their back to me, making notes. I was surprised and felt unsupported, but a nurse friend told me that, these days, if it's not in the notes it didn't happen, legally, and there is a huge burden on nurses (and, I assume, midwives) these days to take notes.

Your DP needs to understand that you are about to undergo something major here. How would he like it if he was about to go into hospital for major surgery or something like that, and you were getting funny about him having his mum there.

He's focusing on the birth bit, when he gets to meet the baby, but there is a probably lengthy bit before that where it's all about you and your needs.

Does he know what labour is actually like? Can you get him to watch videos of labour so he has some clue?

33feethighandrising · 09/07/2021 07:35

@Doghead

Tbh, I think the idea of having your mother there is absolutely potty and seems a bit weird. I agree with your partner.....it should be just the two of you.
Why? Women have laboured with other women for millennia. It's only recently men got a look in.

The midwife is there as are doctors.

What about a doula, how do you feel about them?

Is it only OK for extras to be there if they're being paid?!

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 07:38

Why? Women have laboured with other women for millennia. It's only recently men got a look in

Men were routinely prevented from being there at the birth - even if both parents wanted them there.

Shadedog · 09/07/2021 07:43

Also shitty for in law's. Really unbalanced and unfair

As a mother of sons I would find it bonkers to assume that a woman being supported in labour by their own mother was shitty and unfair to me. If a woman wants their dad to support them does the FIL get to be there to? You are never entitled to be present during someone else’s labour and the woman in labour shouldn’t have to put balance above her own needs.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 07:46

@Froglette16 I would find it odd to have my brother there.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 09/07/2021 07:49

@Cillmantain I have online antenatal classes booked one is next week he said he will do it with me. I have bought him two books but he never has been a reader and said he may flick through closer to the time but I highly doubt it Blush I did mention audios but he said they are a waste of moneyHmm . He has helped choose the buggy and changing station but everything else is always I don't know. I want him to be included in making decision sike this. A bit of topic but I am church of Englnd and he is Catholic I asked how he would like her christened/baptised but again its met with he doesn't know. I just feel like during birth when I need help making a decision he will say "I don't know" sound likes moaning and nagging now...

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 09/07/2021 07:50

I’ve had 5 babies, my dm wasn’t there for any of them because I really didn’t want her there and she didn’t fancy it much 😁 we are very close but I just couldn’t bare the thought of it.
When my dd had her baby she asked/ told me she wanted me to be there, I was there throughout, and as soon as he was born and her DH had ‘ cut the cord’ i had a quick peek and a kiss and buggered off for a while so they had time just the three of them. When I returned they had all had skin to skin and some time together on their own. It worked well.
Could you have your mum there for the contractions
Active labour part and then she could leave for the actual delivery so it’s just you and DH? Would that be a compromise ?

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 07:54

@Pregnantmama93 my DH is a brilliant dad and was amazingly supportive during the birth, as I had complications, but he never read any of the books in respect of pregnancy, birth, raising children which I read. He attended the ante natal classes.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 09/07/2021 07:56

@CrouchEndTiger12 she wouldn't be cutting the cord or holding our son first at all. He would be first after medical staff and then I.

OP posts:
KateMuff · 09/07/2021 07:59

I regret not asking my DM to be there. I regret having DH there - he fell asleep and was generally useless. Tell him she's coming if he wants to be invited he'll have to behave himself

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/07/2021 07:59

I'd have been happy to have been on my own if I'm honest 🤣

I was there when my dgc were born though. Dil wanted me not her mum .

Spanielstail · 09/07/2021 07:59

Gosh no. It's a private time between your husband and you (yes medical staff but thats not what I mean).

If you are old enough to have a baby and in a commited enough relationship to have made one then you do t need your mum there gate crashing. I find it a really weird concept. My husband would hate having his moment of watching his baby being born, shared with his mil. I know it's not a popular opinion but it's a special time for him too.

sweetiepie1 · 09/07/2021 08:00

I had my Mum in with me for DS1 best decision I made. When DH wanted a break she was still there to support me, but she knew to keep her distance and kept out the way for the actual birthing part, and didn't come over until DH was off while they were weighing etc.
Meant she was also there while DS got whisked away because he was a bit poorly with DH so I had support then too, and wasn't left on my own worrying!

minatrina · 09/07/2021 08:00

I'm absolutely baffled at all the people who think it's weird to have your mother there?! Also shocked by the amount of people who are saying not to ruin the ~experience~ for your partner! After all, men being present for giving birth is only a very recent thing in the context of human history (for a mixture of misogynistic reasons perhaps yes but the point still stands that having your mum there isn't weird in the grand scheme of things)

Maybe you get lucky and your birth is a wonderful experience for you and your partner to enjoy. Maybe you have a traumatic labour. Maybe your birth goes perfectly smoothly but you just find the whole experience very stressful. I adore my partner, but I also love my mother too and I know having BOTH of them giving support would make me feel ten times better than having just one of them. I also know my partner would feel better having my mum there because a) it's what I want and he's not a nob b) he'd probably feel supported by her presence too given that she's pushed out living human babies before and he hasn't.

Either way, it's about the person giving birth and what makes her feel most comfortable. I would be putting my foot down on this one, OP.

Nat4392 · 09/07/2021 08:01

If you want your mum there, have her there. Ultimately it’s your decision. I had both my DH and mum, they supported me in different ways and I found my mum helped DH too. Granted they weren’t there long as I had to have an emergency section but I’d opt for both of them there again. I’m very close with my mum and I understand that people who aren’t close with their mums find it weird that people want their mums at the birth. Just lay some ground rules so your husband is the primary partner ie, the one predominantly holding your hand, mum not taking over. Honestly your DH will probably be thankful your mum was there in the end. Good luck OP, I hope things work out for the best.