MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

[catqueen7]

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

I think the only thing that is really useful to have at Grandparents houses are high chairs but in some families it's definitely the family culture that babies stay at Grandparents overnight from a few weeks old to give the parents a rest or allow them to go out. It's so common that they may just assume that that is what's going to happen and not even think to discuss it! I know my MIL had DHs neice overnight from about a month old as she in turn had sent dH to his Grannies every weekend until he was old enough to object. However she was nice enough not to say anything negative to me about my decision not to do this (none of mine would ever take a bottle so it was never possible anyway).

I find her behaviour strange and unusual.
I understand why it makes you feel pressured.
just pretend she's starting and Ebay shop or buying stuff for a friend.
it's not your problem if she buys stuff that will never get used, it's her fault for having expectations out of thin air.

if she has a key to your house I'd get the lock changed asap.
I can fully see how she would just turn up unannounced and interfere.

don't let her or your guilt or manipulate you into anything you don't want.
remember "just helping is the sunny side of just controlling"

I'd just let her crack on tbh. I'm sure you will be visiting sometimes and it's handy to have a Moses basket to put them down in for 5 minutes during the day so you can drink a cup of tea or whatever. And while not really necessary, a changing table isn't going to do any harm.

Unless shes got form for being overbearing, I wouldn't stress too much. She's probably just excited. You might be glad of her help more than you expect too once the baby is born.

My in-laws couldn't be less interested in their grandkids and it makes my partner sad.

I think you might be borrowing trouble. You might even find that if you pop over some afternoon for two hours, a changing table would be very welcome indeed.

I had this happen too, shed send me pictures of what she brought to stay at her house and when son was born MIL was a nightmare with asking to have him overnight and demanded she had him once a week so i could have a break.

I just politely declined each time. She did have him about twice a month on her own though, but she expected alot more. Just stand your ground and do what your comfortable with. MIL soon took the hint and stopped pestering me so much..... although our relationship is awful now, but id rather that than be uncomfortable.
My OH is same as yours and never said anything and it drove me crazy

I understand how you feel, but just her crack on! Her having these things doesn't mean you have to leave your baby there.

If she ever brings it up, just say that you have no plans to leave baby anytime soon.

My DM bought a travel cot, a high chair and a changing mat (no room for a changing table). DS is nearly 2 and has never stayed there overnight and only been there once when I wasn't also present. They're all incredibly useful things to have. I have the reverse in that I'm annoyed my PIL haven't bought anything like that so we've had to cart stuff around whenever we've visited them.

It’s her money she’s wasting!

If your DP only visits himself and they get on well, then he has probably told her he will be bringing the baby himself. This isn’t just your baby. If she only lives up the road and you don’t like her, he should be able to take his child to hers to visit.

You’re making huge assumptions here which is rather unfair. Surely, all you need to do is to sit down and have a normal conversation with her. Once you’ve done that, you’ll know whether this is something you should be worried about. Simples! 😃

Just sounds like she's a bit over excited, she will learn. I wouldn't waste your time trying to discourage her but also be quite clear about how you will manage your time once baby is here. I think you will have to allow her some time to see baby some weekends though or you'll have problems.

We rarely see the inlaws. Tbh they were a nightmare when we had our 1st few, not bothering but then moaning that we didn't go see them. His step father would smoke in the house when we did visit and that pissed both of us off, funny that his eldest had a child (dh's half brother) and he swapped to smoking outside. My husband is military so away most of the time and I don't like them much so avoid spending much time with them when he is away. My parents had lots of baby stuff in but we spent a lot of time with them and they looked after our eldest when I worked too. Was quite handy them having nappies and clothes if we ran out or had more accidents than expected when potty training.

As it sounds like a difficult relationship for you I can see why you’d feel uneasy. However I would encourage you to not sweat it, a change table and Moses basket doesn’t necessarily mean she is expecting baby with her overnight but could be useful when you visit. Babies nap A LOT so the basket could be handy and also need frequent changes, both of which are likely within a normal visit time eg couple of hours. You might find you like the change table, I know it’s not ‘essential’ kit but with the sheer quantity of changes needed, I found mine a real back saver!

A similar situation caused me stress in my pregnancy. What I wish I'd known at the time is that other people can do whatever they want, buy as much as they want - when the time comes, it will be entirely up to you if the baby ever leaves your side. I thought if they bought all the stuff I would have to let them have the baby, otherwise it would all go to waste. Actually, it's their call to buy stuff, and you are under no obligation to play that game. You are in control. You are not even obliged to warn anyone about the decisions you will make.

I’m a grandma and I have bits at my house, not a changing table though but a change mat, a bouncy chair, some nappies and a change of clothes. We live close and my DS and his partner will sometimes phone cause they are out and about and fancy popping in for a cuppa without having to worry if they have everything they need with them. It’s handy to have some things because babies can have a poo explosion at any time so it certainly doesn’t mean you need to be there for hours before they need a change. A Moses Basket or similar could be handy if you want to put baby down. I have wellies and a change of clothes for my older grandchild as well as they like to tootle around the garden and sometimes gets a bit mucky. Just cause I have these things it doesn’t mean that I am going to insist on having my grandchild at mine for hours.

My MIL bought loads of stuff for her house that’s gone unused, she’s twice slipped over and broken bones in the house (and had to wait for FIL to come home from work and find her because she can’t use a mobile phone) so if she thought we were going to leave her alone with a baby/child then she was very much mistaken!

Sorry, I accidentally posted. Meant to add, if I had realised that, I may have been able to be more relaxed about it - 'oh that's nice, yes that might be useful one day'.

To be honest I think YABU. Her buying those things don't necessarily mean that she expects to have the baby overnight unless there's more to it.

It is handy to have those things, while a changing table isn't necessary it will most likely get use if she has it anyway, you may think you won't be there long enough to use it my DS is 6 weeks and this morning I had to change him twice within 10 minutes after he woke up because of a pop explosion.
Moses baskets are handy if you want to pop him down to nip to the toilet or have a cup of tea etc if he'll sleep in it. If it doesn't end up getting much use that's MILs problem.

She's excited about her first grandchild. We had our first baby 6 weeks ago and it's MILs first grandchild too, she's bought loads to keep at hers such as a car seat, pram, nappies, changing mat, wipes, clothes etc. It has all came in very handy. Means we don't need to take anything when we visit her. The difference I suppose is I get on with her really well so even when DP is away for work I still go and visit her multiple times a week

When my first DGS was born my friend gave me her travel cot, I bought a high chair, a bath seat, changing mat (not table) and a few small bits and pieces. We’ve used all of them a fair bit and now we have DGS2.
I’ve never suggested having them overnight but have done so when asked and babysit whenever required.
DDiL uses these bits of equipment when she’s here, I don’t sense any issues, but perhaps I’m being thick?

Both are useful to have if visiting grandparents, even if just for a couple of hours. Eve. If you don’t visit your MiL, I’m sure your dh will do with your baby.

OP I know that this will feel a huge big deal to you but it really isn’t.
Let her buy the stuff, he’s your partners mum! Of course she is excited.
When your baby grows up and has its own child, will you not be excited? Will you not be expecting to share in the excitement and joy of your first grandchild???

So you will “naturally” spend more time with your family and that’s fine but your partners family will have to make do with a couple of hours on the weekend and certainly not long enough to use a Moses basket?

Why not? Will you sit clutching baby to your bosom the whole time?
My parents bought a lovely Moses basket for their house (only secondhand) and it was actually super useful when we went over - I could sit and enjoy a cup of tea without panicking, baby laid in the Moses. We only used it a handful of times but it made my parents feel involved and useful and when baby outgrew it they gifted it to a lass down the road without much money.

Why is that a bad thing?

Would you rather she didn’t care?

This baby is a result of 2 people and 2 sets of grandparents. Please don’t be that woman who places all the emphasis on her own family and leaves the mans side to feel a bit pushed out. It’s unfair on your DP.

IF she steps on your toes in a bad way or she’d overbearing when baby arrives then sure speak up, but why are you already putting so many restrictions on his families involvement.
It’s ironic you’ve said your partner is a people pleaser - bc it seems you’re taking advantage of this too.

I’m not saying this stuff to be nasty but to perhaps encourage you to do a little self reflection ……

Your dh is right. Her money to waste. Don't give it any more thought. When the baby is here, do what you want, spend time with who you want. If she pushes boundaries, be kind and friendly but assertive. X

Let her buy what she wants, it'll be easier than lugging everything over to her house,surely? Let her be excited.

Also, be prepared for your feelings to change a bit once baby is here and as they grow older. They might not, but they might. I am substantially closer to MIL than I was pre-kids, I see her on my own now and wouldn't have dreamed of doing that before. Also with a 2 and 4 year old, if she offers to take them for an afternoon I jump at it!! X

If you are being protective now and you haven't even had the baby yet imagine when your handed your adorable little bundle I guarantee you will definitely not be letting a new baby go anywhere without you.
Don't get yourself all upset although I can't blame you do you think she could be buying all these as a gift to you,because if she's not she's being totally daft.
Like say you decide to breastfeed you need to be with the baby all the time unless you have disposable titties.
This would make me want to run 🏃‍♂️ for the hills

I don't think the op has a problem with MIL being excited but I feel its scaring her a bit to think someone is going to want to mind her baby all the time.