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Original poster

MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

197 replies

catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 15:23

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

OP posts:
DemBonesDemBones · 28/06/2021 18:45

My MIL did this. I breastfed mine until 2 years plus so over nights were out of the question. She was furious. She moved to the other end of the country nearer my BIL and SIL when they were expecting their first and their babies have stayed over at hers from less than a week old. I find it totally bizarre.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/06/2021 18:47

This is my absolute pet peeve OP.
You have my sympathy.
Just know, all she’s done is waste her money. It’s completely up to you if baby stays anywhere.

Treehaus · 28/06/2021 18:50

@catqueen7

I think a big worry is that with DP being away all week we will want to have family days out together at the weekend as that's the only time we will have rather than spending hours on end sat in MIL's, equally I don't imagine DP will want to send the baby off there to be babysat when he hasn't seen them all week
She is his family. If you're around during the week and he isn't, does that mean you'll be seeing your parents during the week? Will you see them at weekends? It doesn't sound like it's just about the items, you don't want to have to see her at all and it's an excuse, which is sad.
Blossomtoes · 28/06/2021 18:51

@DemBonesDemBones

My MIL did this. I breastfed mine until 2 years plus so over nights were out of the question. She was furious. She moved to the other end of the country nearer my BIL and SIL when they were expecting their first and their babies have stayed over at hers from less than a week old. I find it totally bizarre.
Why is it bizarre? Mine stayed with granny overnight from five months. Is it really so unexpected that people parent differently?
MumofSpud · 28/06/2021 18:54

Sometimes I get really worried about becoming a GM when I read what some Posters think about their MiLs!
Just think she is excited about being a granny!

Hoorahitsfriday · 28/06/2021 18:56

I actually think it’s quite sweet- but obviously you know her and her expectations and I don’t! I just think how handy to have stuff there- we used to end up taking a bouncy chair etc etc to the grandparents to make it easier. Also I always ended up hurting my back from bending down to the bed to change nappies - I would’ve loved a changing table! I often think that if I have grandchildren I’d love to buy things like that to make it easier for visits - maybe I need to rethink that judging by people’s responses!

frazzledasarock · 28/06/2021 18:57

My MIL bought all sorts of baby things when I was pregnant.

I do love my MIL so relationship is different.

I never said anything and most of the things didn’t get used at all as my dc haven’t been away from me ever.

Difference is my MIL never demanded to have newborn dc overnight or anything.

I’d just let her get on with it. Make clear to your DH that you’re not going to be parted from your newborn baby if you don’t want and you will not change current pattern of visits.

Then just wait and see what happens. If your MIL ever says anything to your face then you tell her no or whatever. Till then I’d let her go her merry way, if buying baby stuff makes her happy it’s her money to spend as she wishes.

DemBonesDemBones · 28/06/2021 18:59

@Blossomtoes 5 months old is a bit different to less than 7 days old...

Blossomtoes · 28/06/2021 19:01

[quote DemBonesDemBones]@Blossomtoes 5 months old is a bit different to less than 7 days old...[/quote]
It’s a lot different to two years too.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/06/2021 19:01

@MumofSpud

Sometimes I get really worried about becoming a GM when I read what some Posters think about their MiLs! Just think she is excited about being a granny!
I understand this worry. I think so long as you are consistently welcoming to you son’s partners, you will be fine. It’s very difficult to be treated badly (or mostly ignored in my case) by a woman for years and then have that woman expect you to hand your tiny baby over to them.
DemBonesDemBones · 28/06/2021 19:03

@Blossomtoes sorry you've lost me.

Blossomtoes · 28/06/2021 19:09

[quote DemBonesDemBones]@Blossomtoes sorry you've lost me.[/quote]
Never mind.

2bazookas · 28/06/2021 19:12

Long before the GC's were old enough to stay with us (without their parents) , they often visited WITH one or both of their parents. I had every thing at my house that they would need; cot and bedding, changing mat, and later,. high chair, potty,. bathroom step, toys, books, craft activities,. All clean, safe and secondhand.

You'll discover that a day out with a small baby takes a miracle of organisation and packing. 

 Be glad you MIL is  so eager to be part of your baby's life , and support all of you. From your baby's POV,   it will benefit hugely, all through childhood and beyond,   from  loving  relationships with grandparents.  Let her  enjoy your baby , and don't worry about her taste/money waste  in  moses basket liners etc. It's the heart and the thought that count.
CupOfTPlease · 28/06/2021 19:13

If your baby isn't going to stay there stop making a non issue and issue.

All I got from your OP was basically you'll see her sometimes but definitely not long enough for your baby needing a bum change but you'll be at your mums all the time.

Charming.

CupOfTPlease · 28/06/2021 19:14

Also if she has other kids it can be used for future GC.

tigerbread20 · 28/06/2021 19:14

Honestly I had this same reaction when I was pregnant with my first, but since then our relationship has flourished and I actually enjoy spending time with her and now I'm pregnant with DC3 I'm so glad she has a variety of baby crap at hers so we can pop round and if baby needs a nap someone doesn't have to get a dead arm holding him or gives us a chance to eat, drink tea, play with other DC etc.

I was dreading my mil meeting DC1 and in pregnancy kept trying to plan how long I could make excuses after baby was born, but once he arrived I wanted to show him off to the world and mil was actually very different to how I'd imagined she would be. Your MIL might surprise you too

Sally872 · 28/06/2021 19:24

You can't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. And after a while you may be delighted for dh to take baby to grans for a visit most Saturday's to give you some time on your own. Or for gran to have baby once every couple of months to allow you and dh to go for lunch.

She might be over bearing if so perfect your polite response, but it might be fine, or even useful. Everyone I know who has grandparents locally see them frequently and it is because they enjoy it. I class that as family time as me dh and kids go.

Dazedandconfused28 · 28/06/2021 19:26

I would have loved the same from my in laws, it may be her way of trying to show support.

pollypersephone · 28/06/2021 19:28

It sounds as if she was trying to make her home welcoming to her grandchild and you. It's nice to be able to just pick up the baby and go. If you plan to spend your time with your parents in the week and only with your husband at the weekend when do you think you'll see her? As unpleasant as it is I think I'd tell her now and let her process it so there's no drama when the baby is born. If she can expect to see the baby every few months and for short visits it's really not kind to let her think she will have a meaningful relationship with her grandchild. Just tell her the truth now and it will save you all a lot of trouble.

saraclara · 28/06/2021 19:29

I had and have no intention of having my GD overnight. But I got a travel cot, a high chair and a buggy (all second hand) when she was safely here. My daughter uses the first two when they visit (usually once a week) as my GD has an afternoon nap, and I use them all when I occasionally have DGD for the day when my DD and her DH's shifts overlap.

HotPotatoHotPotato21 · 28/06/2021 19:32

I wish my PIL lived close enough to have our son at their house. Obviously not when the they're tiny, but honestly when you have a toddler, you will be grateful for the break. It will also make your life easier not having to cart so much stuff with you when you visit.
It does sound a bit mean saying you'll be at your mum's a lot and and not at theirs long enough to change a nappy. It's comments like this what I see on Mumsnet that made me desperate for daughter!

saraclara · 28/06/2021 19:33

Oh, I forgot, I had a bouncy chair and a changing mat too! And all those things were used in the daytime when DD visited.

I don't understand why OP and others think the only reason for owning these things is an overnight stay? My DGD used/uses some of those things even if they're only here for an hour!

I can't help but think this is only an issue because it's MIL

saraclara · 28/06/2021 19:36

It does sound a bit mean saying you'll be at your mum's a lot and and not at theirs long enough to change a nappy. It's comments like this what I see on Mumsnet that made me desperate for daughter!

I missed that bit. Yep, I'm glad I had daughters. Though my DD makes sure that her PILs get to enjoy plenty of time with DGD too.

dinosaurinmybelly · 28/06/2021 19:37

YANBU - however you can completely ignore this as previous posters have said. It is her money she is wasting. When the pressure starts to leave baby with her, just politely decline.

PurpleCurtain · 28/06/2021 19:42

I don't get on with my MIL either so would be equally miffed to find she had done the same (though, not surprised!). Though I think my key issue would be r.e. her being so presumptuous - why couldn't she have a conversation with one or both of you first, along the lines of "I'm thinking of getting an XYZ to keep here, would that be helpful?". If she did that and we were sighted on what she was buying (e.g. that she's not buying a car seat that doesn't meet safety standards, or intending to reuse a second hand mattress, that kind of thing) it would be much easier and would also open up the conversations a bit better r.e. setting expectations for when baby arrives!