MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

[catqueen7]

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

[quote PurpleCurtain]@SleepingStandingUp is that what the OP's saying though? Her parents/ inlaws working hours aren't exactly her fault, it's like a grandparent complaining because they live further away and as a result see the grandkids less. I don't see why it's not okay for OP to have weekends as family time, as long as her DH is also happy with that.[/quote]
Tbf I did actually ask if DH was happy with the arrangement. Op could have replied "yes he's fine with baby seeing his parents a few hours a month because he agrees they don't need to build a strong relationship with them"

I'm not sure in that case what your AIBU

You asked what other's relationship with their MIL and have got a mix of responses included some questions. You haven't articulated what previous issues are but have taken great offence at something which others deem a total non issue. You also think her expectations are too high but haven't actually asked her what they are.

And when asked about your DC fostering a relationship with your MIL you shut it down and say you and DP are on the same page.

So.....what is your AIBU?

Chill out. I think you are catastrophising. Newborns sleep 17 hours a day. The likelihood is that the baby will nap when she is visiting.

After sleepless nights with the baby, you are likely to want doting grandparents look after the baby, whilst you and your husband get a break.

Also think of date nights and me time.

All very important and count yourself lucky to have so many grandparents near by.

Honestly, if you are on maternity and your MIL doesn't live far - why wouldn't you go over with the baby? As PP have said, if your DH is away and you want him to spend the weekends with you and the baby, then yes, it does fall on you to facilitate the relationship between the baby and the MIL during the week.

Once you have the baby - you'll realise that you end up doing a lot of things that you dont like just because it's good for the baby.....playgroups, playdates, activities, sitting up at 4am checking the kids is ok if they have a temperature etc etc etc.

Of course, if you dont want to do that then dont - but dont be annoyed if your DH then spends some of the weekend going over to his mums with the baby.

@BradPittsLeftTit

I'm not sure in that case what your AIBU

You asked what other's relationship with their MIL and have got a mix of responses included some questions. You haven't articulated what previous issues are but have taken great offence at something which others deem a total non issue. You also think her expectations are too high but haven't actually asked her what they are.

And when asked about your DC fostering a relationship with your MIL you shut it down and say you and DP are on the same page.

So.....what is your AIBU?

I didn't post this in AIBU, you're on the wrong topic. It's also was not the point of the post for me to go into all the details regarding the issues with MIL.

Well if your question is whether it's too much that your MIL has bought these things - no, it isnt

You are nit-picking her using a phrase and playing it back to yourself over and over again. Neither of you have any idea what will happen once the baby is here - not you, not your DH, not you MIL or even your parents.

Just let her get on with it.

She might have 'expectations' around baby sitting, but this is your child and you decide what and how she sees him/her

The problem is, you haven't actually asked her what her expectations are, so you don't you're getting in a lather about something that might not happen .

Fair enough - This came up on active and wrongly assumed AIBU - apologies.

If you don't want to go into details of the issues then I understand that but in the face of it with the detail you've given then I think it's completely normal behaviour on her part - changing table may be a little too eager! But it seems like these things will benefit you.

If you have concerns on her expectations then you need to have an adult conversation rather than assuming she wants overnight visits on her own from week 1. If she does then of course that's ridiculous. If she's trying to be helpful for visits and make you more comfortable then what a lovely thing for her to do!

Think you're being unreasonable to be honest. A moses basket and changing mat are useful even if they're there for a couple of hours. doesn't mean she expects overnight stays. she's excited for her first grandchild. let her be

Completely agree with you on the no staying over rules. My DD has just had her first overnight at 16mo with grandparents and only because they see her weekly, are very close and adore each other.

However not sure if anyone else has pointed out how much babies spit up and wee/ poo themselves in those first few months... You might just pop there for half an hour on a weekend and baby can do two poos and a vomit during that time so I do think it will help you all to have some stuff at her house!

I remember being so mad at my parents for buying a travel cot/baby bath/car seat etc etc. I just felt like if they had asked me i would have given them advice on what we actually used. My first DS went in the bath with me and slept in my bed and we don't live far enough to stay now so none of it has ever been used. The car seat they bought i wasn't comfortable with so he was never in it. If she is that kind of personality nothing you say will change her mind so let her crack on and waste money

YABU, they will be useful when you visit, and going off other threads on here you'll be moaning when she doesn't want to have the child when it suits you in future so you can have a break.

You might just pop there for half an hour on a weekend and baby can do two poos and a vomit during that time nah, I think first sign of a poo will be the perfect excuse to have to leave

These threads dishearten me so much, both sets of grandparents should be allowed the same opportunities to develop relationships with their grandchild. The MIL bashing is ridiculous. Just because you like your parents best (pretty much everyone prefers their own parents), it doesn't mean they're better or "deserve" a better relationship with your child. I think you are being overly sensitive, to answer your question.

Whether you like her or not, your baby will be just as special to, and as loved by your MIL as it will be to/by your own mother. So please try not to enter into this whole thing negatively before the baby has even arrived.

It's perfectly normal for GPs to assume that they will probably end up babysitting occasionally, and prepare accordingly. You've just leaped to the conclusion that she's going to demand the baby at will.

An awful lot of comments since I was on here yesterday making OP feel worse rather than better I think 😕 It is completely natural to overthink everything with a first baby (I’m in the exact same boat right now). When I think of it the other way round, if my sister was having a baby I wouldn’t go out and buy all these things without asking her. I would feel cheeky doing that and as if I was putting her in a situation because of my own needs to see this baby. Of course everyone wants their baby to see their grandparents but to feel like someone is taking over and you have no control is a horrible feeling. No one knows what each person’s individual set up is with their MIL so it’s no one else’s place to comment! For example my MIL basically kicked my husband out and demanded rent money while he was still at school so he ended up with his dad. This hurt him more than he ever lets on but they’ve not had a good relationship at all ever since. She makes no effort to ever offer to do anything for us, even to let our dogs out when I’m working (which my mum does daily) or run us anywhere yet phones him up and expects him to rush about picking things up for them etc. It wasn’t until recently when I had enough of them almost using my husband like this that I said to him he had to stop saying yes every time they demanded anything. Both his mum and step dad have never worked so have every hour of every day where they could do these things. Obviously my baby will see them but it won’t be as much as my mum, who has done so much for us all these years. She’s naturally at our house more often helping out with things so will therefore spend more time with the baby. That’s completely normal. Your MIL should have asked if there’s anything you needed at her house or waited til baby arrives to see what the set up is with babysitting. It’s not up to you to explain this to her when the baby hasn’t even arrived yet! Yes she maybe is ‘just excited’ but we can’t allow people to do whatever they like, whether we’re okay with it or not, and pass it off as excitement. The last thing anyone needs while pregnant is more stress and pressure from anyone. Everyone should be able to have their baby then set the boundaries for what happens next without being railroaded into anything they’re not comfortable with

@tony68 way to spectacularly miss the point...just to clarify.

1. The baby was not newborn, he was (mostly unsuccessfully) in the bassinet. When he was at the stage of moving to cot he slept in my bed because otherwise he didn't sleep.
2. The vast majority of mums who cosleep don't choose to do it, turns out some babies just need constant comfort. Just to clarify to everyone I am not advocating for co sleeping and if you are going to do it follow safe sleep 7. A study by the lullaby Trust showed that 76% of parents have slept with their baby at some point so I am certainly not a lone guilty parent. When it gets to the point that you are accidently falling asleep while comforting the baby in unsafe positions then you might consider other methods.
3. The second baby is currently sound asleep in his empty cot. I am a massive advocate for baby safety but at the end of the day the things which I choose for my children are my responsibility which was the whole point of the initial post. Unlike the forward facing from 9 months car seat that my DM (not MIL as you suggested) bought for the baby to use in her car without consultation.

These threads dishearten me so much, both sets of grandparents should be allowed the same opportunities to develop relationships with their grandchild

The baby isn’t even here yet and there are already undercurrents but hopefully by the time baby does arrive the op’s husband mans up and facilitates his parents being as much part of the wee ones life as the op’s family.

Right now I can’t help but feel very thankful that my lot and all of the grandparents involved are so blooming reasonable.

@catqueen7 it's the first baby anxiety. I worried about all these things so much, was constantly stressed about hypothetical scenarios and how I'd deal with them.

Baby was born and I realised I was suddenly more outspoken and put my foot down, a lot of the times it was me overthinking and all it needed was a clear word. It might have got awkward at times after but then the air would clear and people would accept our decisions as parents. I would try not to stress.

If Mil thinks she's having little one then quite frankly you'll tell her she isn't. No making excuses or hoping it goes away. You'll just tell her as a parent you're not having your little one ever stay over. Simple. She'll have to accept. That's IF she's going to be overbearing. She might simply just be excited and want these things on hand. A Moses basket is super handy in the first few weeks/months, as well as the other items. I'd just be happy she's happy to become a grandparent and tell myself I'll deal with any overbearing behaviour when the time comes. She'll get the hint one way or another (in retrospect if I could go back I wish I could be less anxious as most of those scenarios never played out).

I think it’s so sad that one grandparent will see their grandchild all the time. Whilst one will barely ever see it

It’s not about you at the end of the day. My mother really disliked her stepmother. But always made the effort purely for me and I really respect her for doing so. She said her own issues shouldn’t come between my own relationship with my grandparents.

I would of hated to see one and not see the other. Regardless of problems that weren’t to do with me.

Let her crack on with buying what she wants, you will be the one deciding what contact your baby has with her! Set your boundaries early.

There isn't harm in having the items though, if you need to change baby or lay them for a nap when you're there it could be helpful! It may be coming from a good and genuine place her buying these things.