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Original poster

MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

197 replies

catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 15:23

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 28/06/2021 19:44

I think you need to have a frank and firm conversation with her OP, and nip in the bud any expectations she has about your DC staying there overnight or anything like that. Much better to put her right at this stage, rather than try and manage out of control expectations once the baby has arrived. You can soften the blow by saying it will probably be alright to stay when DC is older, but not when a baby.

ApplesandBananas21 · 28/06/2021 19:46

@Hallyup6

My mum has a Moses basket and changing mat/nappies at her house, not because my baby was staying over but because it was so handy to have somewhere to put baby down for a nap and to not have to cart a load of stuff out with us when we went to visit.

Your mother in law is trying to make life easier for you. Let her.

Second this. It's a massive help and I think you'll realise once baby is here
Anonymouslyposting · 28/06/2021 19:48

Having a Moses basket at grandparents is great! Babies nap so much that being able to put them down while you have lunch/a cup of tea is pretty necessary anywhere you visit, not just for overnight.

It does sound like she may expecting more than you are comfortable with but I wouldn’t meet trouble halfway - assume basket is just for naps and say no if she asks for overnight and you’re not comfortable with it.

Unsure33 · 28/06/2021 19:48

Sometimes I wish people realise how difficult it is to be the MIL . You can’t do anything right . I have things at my house for the grandchildren as it saves lugging too much stuff about . I don’t assume they will stay but love it when they do .

She is excited and wants to be involved . Give her a break .

PurpleMustang · 28/06/2021 19:52

As it is his Mum you probably need to leave it to him to some extent. As you have said if Dad is only going to get family time at the weekend this will probably help you in not having to spend too much time with her at the weekends. As long as, and it doesn't sound like it, that he hasn't been giving her the go ahead or agreeing to plans with her and not telling you, then leave her to it. Agree with him that any plans for visits will be agreed between you so his mum is not railroading him into agreeing visits without discussion. And if she says anything in front of you, just have some polite stock answers ready so you are not caught off-guard and think of a great answer later!

AliceW89 · 28/06/2021 20:00

@Unsure33

Sometimes I wish people realise how difficult it is to be the MIL . You can’t do anything right . I have things at my house for the grandchildren as it saves lugging too much stuff about . I don’t assume they will stay but love it when they do .

She is excited and wants to be involved . Give her a break .

As the daughter in law of an amazing woman who mothered 3 boys (ie is always the in-law, never the parent) I do feel sad reading all the stuff parked at the ‘overbearing, interfering MIL’ door. I was a bit scared at first as she already had grandchildren - I thought she would take over massively. Turns out I was completely wrong and she struck the balance perfectly and actually was the one who got me help during a bout of PND. Big up the mother in laws! X
whymamadrinks · 28/06/2021 20:07

@catqueen7 I can relate.
My MIL is the most interfering and opinionated woman I've ever met. She means well but I am getting so sick of it. She talks to me like I'm a child and I have no idea what I'm doing. I am pregnant with my 2nd child. No idea why yours has bought these items and I would be pissed off too. But just think, it will annoy her more if you don't say anything now and the items will just never get used. So she's wasted her money. She may just be excited but I do think it's odd not to mention it to you first. In my experience, to ignore them is more effective than getting annoyed with them.

FurryMcFlurry · 28/06/2021 20:11

@catqueen7 you say you’ll never be at MILs place long enough for baby to use change mat and Moses basket, how do you know when baby will poop or sleep? They do A LOT of both especially the first year. I think you’ve already decided things in your head that you really shouldn’t. I agree with your DP when he says it’s not your money and if it goes to waste it’s MILs issue not yours.

Chloemol · 28/06/2021 20:13

So basically you are saying your mil won’t get to see the baby as you won’t take them during the week, and she works full time anyway, and weekends will be your family time as your partners away during the week. So weekends are out

But it’s ok as your parents are around working part time so they can see the baby more or less anytime they want during the week

Your baby has two sets of grandparents. She’s excited, they may come in useful.

But as regards seeing the baby put yourself in your mil shoes would you be happy if your dil says sorry weekend are family time, no weekdays are out as well., but my parents can see the baby anytime they want during the week. Don’t be so mean

Lilypansy · 28/06/2021 20:15

It's not a real problem. At least your mother-in-law is excited to be having her first grandchild. It's a big thing in her life, (I'm a grandmother to 3 and I know how much they mean to me and DH).
It's also good for children to have a loving extended family around them. Please don't shut her out.

Enterthedragons · 28/06/2021 20:19

Those are handy bits to have at the in-laws. Newborns need naps constantly so will be useful to be able to put baby down in the Moses basket.

If you’re breastfeeding baby wouldn’t be able to stay away from you overnight anyway (or even for more than an hour or two), until you stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 20:20

I agree with you re sleepovers and the stuff not being needed etc

But

You do seem to have decided that baby will barely see her ads parents. If your planning on popping in once over several weekends for less time than it takes to fill a nappy you're potentially looking at a couple of hours a month max whilst you'll be seeing your parents multiple times a week.

How does DH feel about that? How often does he currently visit?

Airyfairymarybeary · 28/06/2021 20:34

Do you plan on breastfeeding? It is a great excuse to turn refuse sleepovers!

tony68 · 28/06/2021 20:37

God, if I get saddled with a joykilling, chi vampire dementor of a DIL who will not let me be excited for my first grandchild and my son is too much an insipid little weakling to see me on his own time with his child, they can get to fuck, I'll go no contact. Honestly, you never read about parents going no contact with their kids/in-laws? Why? People have more patience than me.

Melitza · 28/06/2021 20:41

@tony68. I agree.
There’s a lot of dil’s on here whose sons will marry someone as nasty as them one day. And then they’ll get a taste of their own medicine!

HFJNS4829ih · 28/06/2021 20:47

Yes, I wonder why MiLs are always seen as difficult. I guess the assumption is that OPs own mother will have all those things as she will be visiting them regularly. Now I dont exactly get on with my PILs or rather they are both rather unwell especially FIL who is bipolar but my kids still regularly visit them and love it. It's not about me but my kids' relationship with their grandparents.

On MN I ogten get the feeling that DILs would rather their DH's side of the final would just disappear on principle because they are not as close to them as to their own mums. Well of course you wouldnt be but your kids are equally their grandkids and might have an equally close relationship with both sides of the family.

PurpleCurtain · 28/06/2021 20:48

Genuinely interested - this expectation that grandparents 'must' be allowed to see their grandkids for X amount of time, where does it come from, and does it have a legal standing? I find it interesting seeing people posting on wedding boards/ groups about family troubles and being told "invite who you like, it's your wedding". But "include who you like, it's your child" is never presented as an option, in spite of the many mental health problems many women go through in and post pregnancy and how life changing having a child is.

Now, I'm largely playing devils advocate here and perhaps this thread isn't quite this, but I do find it interesting.

Rno3gfr · 28/06/2021 20:50

Some people just like buying baby things out of excitement, leave her to it. It’s not your fault if they’re hardly used.

HFJNS4829ih · 28/06/2021 20:53

Well lots of people would say that people shouldnt just invite who they like to a wedding but to consider both sides of the family.

It's also very shortsighted to focus only on the mum after the birth. In our case, it was actually DH who fpund it most difficult to adjust after our first born. He really really needed people to talk to and share this experience with and his parents were there for him. Its not just women who can find it hard and need support, dads do too. Their lives also change dramatically - in our case we split parental leave so its not like DH wasnt involved

Nohomemadecandles · 28/06/2021 20:55

She's excited. Why so mean?

whymamadrinks · 28/06/2021 21:00

From personal experience, my MIL is much more interfering than my own mum. That's why I can't be bothered spending much time with her and why DS doesn't see her as often. My mum never gives unwanted advice and always tells me how much of a great mum I am. Whereas MIL always has something negative to say about the way I am bringing up my son. 'You should do this, you shouldn't be doing that, that is bad for him, he is watching too much TV, he needs to eat this etc etc'. It really upsets me and makes me feel like I'm a shit mum. She also does this to her own daughter so it's not just my opinion of her. When I one day have a DIL for myself, I will ensure I learn from my MIL mistakes and keep my nose out when the poor girl is only trying her absolute best. Parenting is hard. Just sticking up for the DILs who are getting a bit of stick.

Skyla2005 · 28/06/2021 21:05

If you have the baby on your own all week your other half will probably go there to give you a rest so he will use theM. You don't realise yet how tired you will be. You may be grateful if she takes the baby to give you a rest. Don't be so ungrateful

PurpleCurtain · 28/06/2021 21:14

@HFJNS4829ih

Well lots of people would say that people shouldnt just invite who they like to a wedding but to consider both sides of the family.

It's also very shortsighted to focus only on the mum after the birth. In our case, it was actually DH who fpund it most difficult to adjust after our first born. He really really needed people to talk to and share this experience with and his parents were there for him. Its not just women who can find it hard and need support, dads do too. Their lives also change dramatically - in our case we split parental leave so its not like DH wasnt involved

Sure - though comments so far are focussed on MIL "v" DIL essentially. Am definitely in the camp who wouldn't (didn't) dare exacerbate family politics or make my husband's life/ mental health harder by a) not 'fairly' inviting to a wedding or b) not 'fairly' including grandparents, but I do find it a bit much the level to which some grandparents seem to expect to be involved and the fact that people assume they have to accept that and suffer for it no matter what/ that grandparents get so upset when the parents do say no to things. As you say though, there does need to be due thought given to how 'even' any decision is across grandparents and also the impact it has on both parents.
AliceW89 · 28/06/2021 21:15

@PurpleCurtain

Genuinely interested - this expectation that grandparents 'must' be allowed to see their grandkids for X amount of time, where does it come from, and does it have a legal standing? I find it interesting seeing people posting on wedding boards/ groups about family troubles and being told "invite who you like, it's your wedding". But "include who you like, it's your child" is never presented as an option, in spite of the many mental health problems many women go through in and post pregnancy and how life changing having a child is.

Now, I'm largely playing devils advocate here and perhaps this thread isn't quite this, but I do find it interesting.

Because it’s not just the mother’s child. It’s also her partner’s child. If both parents decide that a grandparent is not to be involved, then fair enough, I doubt the grandparent(s) have any legal standing. But, if both parents have responsibility and both want their parents to be involved then compromise is needed, like in all aspects of a relationship.

To use your wedding analogy, yes you can invite who you like, but it’s usually a joint decision between the couple.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/06/2021 21:20

@Skyla2005

If you have the baby on your own all week your other half will probably go there to give you a rest so he will use theM. You don't realise yet how tired you will be. You may be grateful if she takes the baby to give you a rest. Don't be so ungrateful
Not necessarily. My husband wanted his own time with our children and would take them out for a walk in the park in their pram or to a farm etc. if he was giving me a day off. Not all men go running to their mummies when they’re responsible for a baby for a few hours.
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