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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

197 replies

catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 15:23

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 17:13

Thanks for all the replies it's been really helpful to get others opinions on this. We have a travel system and a portable changing mat which will always be with us when we are out and the changing table she bought she said was for 'babysitting duties' she said. It has a built in baby bath and everything which all seemed a little extreme. Yes pp are right that I don't have an issue with her being ex I fed, it just seems a bit too much and it's scaring me that she will be breathing down our neck.

OP posts:
DobbyTheHouseElk · 28/06/2021 17:14

My MIL has never shown interest in our DC. I’d love an involved in-law. However I can see you are worried. A change table and Moses basket are things you’ll use if you are there for an hour. I’d recommend a bouncy chair as well.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/06/2021 17:16

My DMIL bought a cot, changing mat, high chair, play pen and best of all
a rocking horse and garden swing set. DD loved going to Granny’s house, she slept in the cot quite happily both day and night, but hated her own 🤣🤣🤣. I just let her get on with it. She actually decorated her small bedroom for DD too, it went from baby Dumbo to One Direction in the space of 12 years.

Original poster
catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 17:17

@sarah13xx

Oh no 🤦🏼‍♀️ I have an overbearing mother in law too and fully feel your pain! Right now it’s how many names can she drop into conversation to say she hates 🤔 she does it as if it’s completely unrelated from the fact we’re having a baby that just so happens to be a boy. ‘So and so got a puppy and called it Rex… I hate the name Rex’ ‘my cousins daughter just had a baby and they’ve called him Alfie… Alfie’s a horrible name’ 😑 I just seem to sit quietly and take it then kick myself when she’s away that I didn’t just be nippy back! I think it’s the only way to shut her down. I really don’t know what you can do about her buying these things though 🙈 I would get your partner to be the one to tell her and make it clear you will have set boundaries. I’m going to do the same about when they can visit when we get home from the hospital. I’m not hobbling into my house in agony then having her coming round and plonking herself on my sofa for the afternoon making judgemental comments when I just want to sleep 🙄 My mum has bought quite a lot of stuff but she hasn’t bought anything without asking or sending me it first and it will be to use when I’m there because I’ll be at her house a lot (as I would normally be with or without a baby). I get that it’s supposed to be equal and stuff but I don’t have that casual friendly relationship with my MIL where I’d go and hang about her house on my own and even though she stays 5 minutes from us we see her about once a month if that. She doesn’t do anything for us and when she comes to visit you’ve just got to sit and listen to her the whole time. I’m at my parents house every other day and they’re at my house fixing things or helping me with things all the time so it seems completely reasonable that I’m not going to totally change that dynamic just because I have a baby 🤷🏼‍♀️
Yes this is exactly it. Same relationships here. I think it's understandable I will spend more time with my parents because I always have done and enjoy their company, I don't want to feel like I have to change that and spend the same amount of time with MIL 'just so it's equal'. The thought fills me with fear.
OP posts:
sarah13xx · 28/06/2021 17:18

@catqueen7 a bath?! 🤣🤣🤣 the baby isn’t staying long enough for a nap, it’s not going to need a bath! I think as others have said (trying to take the advice myself) you are in control regardless what anyone else says or thinks they’re doing. I think the feeling that is starting to get to me is people sort of claiming my baby as ‘my grand child’.. no it’s actually my baby that I chose to have! I didn’t have a baby for your benefit

sarah13xx · 28/06/2021 17:21

@catqueen7 yeah the closer it’s getting im finding I just go over and over it in my mind rather than focusing on the fact I get to see my baby soon 🙈 There’s a reason you don’t see them a lot usually though and just because you have a baby doesn’t mean you’re suddenly obliged to spend all this extra time with them. I’m hoping once the initial rush to meet him is over I will be left alone again and go back to visits every so often

boymum88 · 28/06/2021 17:22

My step mother has got more baby crap/toys at their house than we do. She is way over the top, got a really expensive double buggy just coz. our boys have a room in their house. Every time we ft something news pops out. I don't have a over great relationship with her but just coz I don't get on with her I still want her and my dad to play a part in my boys life's and I tell you what when you feel ready a night/weekend away without the baby is bliss. My sons also love going they do all the fun bits that grandparents do

frg124 · 28/06/2021 17:30

Another vote for being extremely grateful when our grandparents looked after our babies so we could have a break. We were both so tired that it was blissful and we found it less hassle when they had some of the necessary equipment at their house.

Ultimately it's your call on how often she has your child to stay so hopefully you can manage her expectations. It's nice that she wants to be involved so, with a bit of luck, it will be sensitive rather than overbearing help.

Treehaus · 28/06/2021 17:33

understandable I will spend more time with my parents because I always have done and enjoy their company, I don't want to feel like I have to change that and spend the same amount of time with MIL 'just so it's equal'

Well you don't, but perhaps your DH will want to take your child over to see his mother, that's not unreasonable. Whether you go with him is your choice I guess.

PomegranateQueen · 28/06/2021 17:38

Yes this is exactly it. Same relationships here. I think it's understandable I will spend more time with my parents because I always have done and enjoy their company, I don't want to feel like I have to change that and spend the same amount of time with MIL 'just so it's equal'. The thought fills me with fear.

One day you may be the MIL, I have a new found respect for my MIL since becoming a mum to two DS. Yes you will feel more comfortable around your own DM because you have known her all your life, your DH probably feels the same about his DM. Soon it wont just be about you, this child has two sets of grandparents and it's a good thing that she wants to be involved. If you don't want her to do overnights/babysitting at a young age say no when she asks, buying a moses basket and a changing mat does not mean she wants to snatch your DC off you!

Treehaus · 28/06/2021 17:41

A moses basket and changing table is also good during the day, not just for night time with a baby as they don't have the concept of night and day for a while anyway. I hate to be that person, but DH lost his parents when he was younger, it's bloody heartbreaking that our son will never meet them, and it's been really hard for him in many ways. I honestly can't imagine being annoyed about them buying 2 reasonable items for their grandchild, which by the way is equally your husbands child.

villainousbroodmare · 28/06/2021 17:41

It's lovely that she is so excited. You sound very dramatic and very negative. A lot of needless unhappiness and stress ahead unless you can ease up a bit, welcome the interest of your child's family members and realise that you can do what you want but it would be good to be open and positive.

SillyBry · 28/06/2021 17:43

I think it's only natural to be excited about grandchildren being born... and like we as mums buy things that we don't really need, but will make life easier, so will they.
It's perhaps difficult for me to comment as I have a very good and easy relationship with my parents and in laws, but it's a godsend having stuff at their house. Knowing that the in laws had a bouncer and a changing mat meant it was less stuff to shove in the car! Babies take up an extraordinary amount of space even for the smallest visit... to be honest, you need to take as much for a day as you do a week sometimes!!! ;-)

Vikingintraining · 28/06/2021 17:47

"This baby is a result of 2 people and 2 sets of grandparents. Please don’t be that woman who places all the emphasis on her own family and leaves the mans side to feel a bit pushed out. It’s unfair on your DP."

This! Regardless of how you feel about her, she is your baby's grandma. Let her be excited about this. And for the sake of your baby, try to have a better relationship.

HFJNS4829ih · 28/06/2021 17:48

as Treehaus said - it might be that your DH would take the baby over. The reality is that it's not a competition - both sides of the family have as much right to see the baby. You might be closer to your parents but your child might not be. Or they might love going to both sets of grandparents once a little older. Our DCs love going to both sets and often ask to go mid-week or on the weekend. I havent seen my MIL in over a decade but it doest mean that my kids dont. I just get a nice break from everyone

Muststopeating · 28/06/2021 17:56

I think the feeling that is starting to get to me is people sort of claiming my baby as ‘my grand child’.. no it’s actually my baby that I chose to have! I didn’t have a baby for your benefit.

This is awful! For one, presumably you mean WE not I and two, it is THEIR grandchild. Of course you are baby's mummy and parenting decisions are entirely within yours and your partners remit. Advice/suggestions/demands by others can be ignored entirely.

But why deny them their excitement deny your DC more people who love them?

A child can NEVER have too many people that love them!

This just sounds spoiled!

squiglet111 · 28/06/2021 17:57

Tbf, these things are useful to have at other people's houses. When I visited my parents I'd have to bring my own Moses basket etc to have somewhere for baby to sleep/put down etc. Changing table... Why not... Pretty useful instead of having to change baby on floor or sofa. Point being, you might not have thought of these things that will make your life easier, but maybe your mil has as she's had experience of it. So nice that she wants to make her home as baby inviting as she can. It would be nice for you not to have to pack everything to go see mil for a few hours aye?

Original poster
catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 17:58

I think a big worry is that with DP being away all week we will want to have family days out together at the weekend as that's the only time we will have rather than spending hours on end sat in MIL's, equally I don't imagine DP will want to send the baby off there to be babysat when he hasn't seen them all week

OP posts:
blairresignationjam · 28/06/2021 17:59

My MIL did exactly the same thing. Then was upset that none of it got used! There was no way I was going to be separated from my baby while he was that young particularly while breastfeeding. At 4 months I've let her take him to the park for a few hours without me but that's it!

2021DNA · 28/06/2021 18:04

Set the boundaries now. Stick to what you are comfortable with and don’t be scared to tell her when it’s not convenient to see her. And don’t let her show up unexpectedly and let her in your house.

HFJNS4829ih · 28/06/2021 18:16

honestly, if you are looking after a baby all week, then occasionally you might actually want to have a break and DH can take the baby over to his mum. Don't underestimate how tiring having a kid can be and how little time you are going to get to yourself. Having an empty house and just being able to have a shower might feel like a blessing once the little one is here

Nataliefrances123 · 28/06/2021 18:23

Totally understand this I felt the same.
You feel very protective of your baby and you don't want to imagine parting with them. The baby will not be staying away from you for a long time yet if they do it will be on your terms when they are older and maybe the child wants to stay at nannies for the afternoon.
My children never stay overnight they don't want to and I don't want them to either. Visiting nanny for a few hours every few weeks is enough.

Steelesauce · 28/06/2021 18:29

You're being a bit harsh. I have a high chair and a travel cot here for my mates kids even though I'm out of the baby phase 🤣 my mum and my ex mil had everything at their houses and it meant we could just leave with the baby and it was absolute bliss not having to pack everything. My mum has her spare bedrooms set up for all her grandchildren. Even puts specific bedding on depending on which of them are staying. They enjoy it, it makes them happy. Just let them crack on and be happy so many people love your child!

Rosesareyellow · 28/06/2021 18:32

This baby is a result of 2 people and 2 sets of grandparents. Please don’t be that woman who places all the emphasis on her own family and leaves the mans side to feel a bit pushed out. It’s unfair on your DP.

My SIL was a lot like this and my PIL (not her parents) got very upset and angry with her - I politely pointed out that nothing was stopping their DS making more of an effort to bring their grandchild round. He seemed happy enough to let his wife take charge and organise all their weekends and additionally she spent a lot of time with her family pre-baby whereas BIL would rarely visit his parents before that anyway. Blaming her wasn’t fair at all IMO.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 28/06/2021 18:43

My step-MIL was like this. She bought loads of stuff for her house and banged on about having DS over night from when I was pregnant.

He's never stayed over night (he's 2), but the Pack n' Play and the play mat have come in very handy and we don't even visit that often. Plus, one of her sons is now expecting a baby, so it won't go to waste.