MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

[catqueen7]

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken has his medal arrived in the post yet?

The new mum is likely to be closer to her DPs. The dad closer to his. But to the GCs both sets of GPs are equal.

I find it weird that so many mothers on MN seem to think that their PILs should get priority when it comes to time with their GC. It's entirely unfair on both the in law GPs, the father and the children.

As I said earlier, I have daughters so am on the winning side here, if there is one. But I really feel for the parents of new fathers. They have to tread on eggshells and often barely get to see their GCs, while the new mum's parents get to just be themselves and get the lion's share of contact.

All those things are daytime things tbf. DS Had awful colic for 6 months so doubt even the most interfering of MILS would take him!

Once you have your child (as opposed to newbie baby who really is attached to you 24/7) you realise they're not "my baby" but their own person who belongs to no-one and it is up to the parents to facilitate contact with people who enrich their life (meaning your DP seeing as it's his mum).

I am home most of the time, i see MIL loads as she is a childcare-providing-Angel but I do see it as part of my SAH role to offer times for the DC to see FIL (who is lovely but needs looking after a bit iyswim) as it's about their enjoyment of the day not mine

Also I would advise definitely not shutting her out as when you have 2 x toddlers and just want to pee in your own, excited GPS are invaluable 😂

[quote tony68]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken has his medal arrived in the post yet? [/quote]
Nope. He never expected one. He’s a parent who has a relationship with his children. Nothing special.

OP one day you might be a mil and have a dil.

For record all in my laws lived my first born. But once his brother was born they didnt want the hassle of two and neither have ever, ever spent any time alone with my second born or the eldest since 13 years when ds3 was born.

Naturally, over time their favourite child had kids, naturally, they never saw mine again.

If they pop over to see dh they sit in the garden and when I say 'shall I tel the kids your here?", naturally, they say no.

Personally I think they are are wankers but ultimately it's the kids who suffer.

@Ohpulltheotherone

OP I know that this will feel a huge big deal to you but it really isn’t. Let her buy the stuff, he’s your partners mum! Of course she is excited. When your baby grows up and has its own child, will you not be excited? Will you not be expecting to share in the excitement and joy of your first grandchild???

So you will “naturally” spend more time with your family and that’s fine but your partners family will have to make do with a couple of hours on the weekend and certainly not long enough to use a Moses basket?

Why not? Will you sit clutching baby to your bosom the whole time?
My parents bought a lovely Moses basket for their house (only secondhand) and it was actually super useful when we went over - I could sit and enjoy a cup of tea without panicking, baby laid in the Moses. We only used it a handful of times but it made my parents feel involved and useful and when baby outgrew it they gifted it to a lass down the road without much money.

Why is that a bad thing?

Would you rather she didn’t care?

This baby is a result of 2 people and 2 sets of grandparents. Please don’t be that woman who places all the emphasis on her own family and leaves the mans side to feel a bit pushed out. It’s unfair on your DP.

IF she steps on your toes in a bad way or she’d overbearing when baby arrives then sure speak up, but why are you already putting so many restrictions on his families involvement.
It’s ironic you’ve said your partner is a people pleaser - bc it seems you’re taking advantage of this too.

I’m not saying this stuff to be nasty but to perhaps encourage you to do a little self reflection ……

This ^

I hope she is being helpful, better than my mil who barely sees mine.
I think you will be lucky and she might take the baby for a couple of hours in the evening a couple of times a week to give you chance for a meal in peace and a nice bath and adult conversation!
If she builds a great relationship with your child in the future she will probably take some holiday from work to spend with your child in the school holidays, taking them on great day trips out. I remember these with my nana. When you’re Desperate for a break due to illness/exhaustion/child’s bad behaviour she will take the child for a couple of hours to give you a break.
You don’t have to leave your child overnight until you are ready. But there are times you’ll do almost anything for an hour or so break or even if it’s just for a dental appointment. If you have two children and two sets of keen grandparents one child to each set sorted!

I think you're overthinking. She's excited. Try and put yourself in her position. You'll need her a lot more than you think. Trust me.

@PurpleCurtain

Genuinely interested - this expectation that grandparents 'must' be allowed to see their grandkids for X amount of time, where does it come from, and does it have a legal standing? I find it interesting seeing people posting on wedding boards/ groups about family troubles and being told "invite who you like, it's your wedding". But "include who you like, it's your child" is never presented as an option, in spite of the many mental health problems many women go through in and post pregnancy and how life changing having a child is.

Now, I'm largely playing devils advocate here and perhaps this thread isn't quite this, but I do find it interesting.

No one has said that though. But if DH wants his mother to spend time with his child, which is perfectly reasonable, and the child is equally his, then it shouldn't be the case that OP is already making excuses not to see her.

I’m gobsmacked at posters agreeing you are reasonable. You sound very dramatic and a bit spoilt to me. The poor woman is excited she is going to be a grandmother and instead of being happy your child is going to be loved and cared for, you are moaning that you have to visit!!!

I hope your partner grows a backbone and takes HIS child to see his mum so they can have a relationship. I also hope your child is a boy and married a woman with your attitude towards her in-laws.

As for being scared she is going to offer to babysit, just say no if that’s not something you want. No need for the drama.

@Neotraditional

I’m gobsmacked at posters agreeing you are reasonable. You sound very dramatic and a bit spoilt to me. The poor woman is excited she is going to be a grandmother and instead of being happy your child is going to be loved and cared for, you are moaning that you have to visit!!!

I hope your partner grows a backbone and takes HIS child to see his mum so they can have a relationship. I also hope your child is a boy and married a woman with your attitude towards her in-laws.

As for being scared she is going to offer to babysit, just say no if that’s not something you want. No need for the drama.

I think you've misunderstood the point in my post, which was my concern of MIL expecting to babysit the baby by herself very early on. I have already mentioned her words after she bought the changing table was that it was for 'babysitting duties' similar to the Moses basket. So she didn't even ask, it's just been assumed that she will babysit early on, that is my whole main concern.

Discussing or even mentioning it with even DP would of probably been the right thing to do.

So she didn't even ask, it's just been assumed that she will babysit early on, that is my whole main concern

Perhaps she thinks she’s doing the right thing by getting ready to have the baby stay over and for all you know she may perhaps think its strange that this happened nowadays. It’s a can’t do right for doing wrong situation either way. Just chat to the woman and say something like oh it’s great you have these things for when we’re over for a cuppa/for lunch. See where the conversation leads. But at the same time never underestimate the love and support a grandma can offer and that whilst you’re learning to be a mum, she’s learning to be a grandma.

Also, ask yourself how you would fell if your mum was buying things to keep at her house. Also, how would your husband feel about it. Would you go along with him thinking this is not on or would you say to him, but she’s my mum.

@catqueen7 a grandmother offering to do babysitting duties? Yes, I’d be very concerned about that too

You sound like you just don’t like the woman and are looking for excuses not to visit. Your child is not a possession you own, they have the right to form bonds with their grandparents and other family members. And your partner has every right to ensure his mum sees his child. You can’t expect to spend all week with your mum then refuse weekend visits to his.

I have already mentioned her words after she bought the changing table was that it was for 'babysitting duties' similar to the Moses basket. So she didn't even ask, it's just been assumed that she will babysit early on, that is my whole main concern.

Tbf I don’t really see how this implies ‘early on’ baby sitting duties. Both of these things can be used until the baby is months, not weeks, old. Even if you just leave LO for an hour or two while you go for a meal with DH or a hair cut these things will come in handy.

Surely the flip side of this is “I’m expecting out first baby, and MiL has shown no interest. I don’t think we’ll be welcome at her house with the baby.”.

@Rosesareyellow

I have already mentioned her words after she bought the changing table was that it was for 'babysitting duties' similar to the Moses basket. So she didn't even ask, it's just been assumed that she will babysit early on, that is my whole main concern.

Tbf I don’t really see how this implies ‘early on’ baby sitting duties. Both of these things can be used until the baby is months, not weeks, old. Even if you just leave LO for an hour or two while you go for a meal with DH or a hair cut these things will come in handy.

God for bid she's kind enough to tell you to for a nap whilst baby is sleeping

Leave her to it she's excited. My mother in law lives 5 doors away and did my daughter a bedroom- now it's super useful for sleepovers now she's 2!

Look at it this way... assuming one day you will want a 2nd DC:

You need a babysitter and a birthing partner.

Husband works away all week.

If you go into labour while he's away, I'm assuming you'd want your mum as birthing partner. Which leaves MIL as babysitter. The better the relationship DC1 has with her before that the easier it will be.

The expression it takes a village didn't come from nowhere. You CAN do it completely alone with no support, but fecked if I'd turn it away voluntarily just in case she might be overbearing and presumptuous.

@catqueen7 how does your DH feel about his parents being allowed to see the baby a few hours a month at most whilst yours will get as much access as they want?

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@catqueen7 how does your DH feel about his parents being allowed to see the baby a few hours a month at most whilst yours will get as much access as they want?[/quote]
I expect he’ll just do as he’s told to keep the peace. That seems to be par for the course in modern relationships.

There's a lot of assumption on your part here. You worry that she'll expect.... you think because she's bought these things it means....

All of these worries and expectations must be defined by your existing strained relationship as none of what she has done seems troubling or worrying if your relationship is a solid one.

My PIL got a high chair, travel cot, moses basket, changing mat and spare nappies etc and it could not have been more useful. When we went over there for visits, if baby fell asleep on someone, we would just pop him in the basket. If he needed his nappy changed (SOOOOOOO frequent early on) then all the bits were there for us. It was fantastic not having to pack everything and the kitchen sink when we went there.

Now he is older, they've offered to have him overnight as have all the bits and a travel cot and he loves it. And WE love a night to ourselves.

I think all of this is coming from a place of a not great relationship but otherwise it wouldn't ring any alarm bells for me

@SleepingStandingUp is that what the OP's saying though? Her parents/ inlaws working hours aren't exactly her fault, it's like a grandparent complaining because they live further away and as a result see the grandkids less. I don't see why it's not okay for OP to have weekends as family time, as long as her DH is also happy with that.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@catqueen7 how does your DH feel about his parents being allowed to see the baby a few hours a month at most whilst yours will get as much access as they want?[/quote]
Do you suggest I just quit seeing my parents during the week then (despite this being normal in our relationship)? I will be there because I chose to and I chose not to spend* my free time with my MIL because as mentioned from the start there has been issues in the past. I won't keep repeating myself as it's going really off topic now. It's not about my parents having as much access as they want, I'm there because I* want to be. My DP understands I will be there more on my maternity leave, he really does not expect me to go round there during the week when he is away or drop baby off and leave them with her at a young age, I'm not comfortable with that.

Yes clearly I said you should stay home unless you're seeing your mil, that's exactly what I wrote 🙄

You'll see your parents more because you're also a person and you have a right to see your parents regardless of whom else you take with you.

That wasn't my question.

It was restricting visits to his parents to occasional weekends but only for long enough for him to not need a nappy change, as per your earlier post. So you could literally end up popping in for 30 minutes twice a month.

I think it's on both parents to facilitate a relationship with both families and if one of you isn't around all week, that falls on the other parent. Not equal time. Not every day. But enough that they actually have a relationship.

[quote PurpleCurtain]@SleepingStandingUp is that what the OP's saying though? Her parents/ inlaws working hours aren't exactly her fault, it's like a grandparent complaining because they live further away and as a result see the grandkids less. I don't see why it's not okay for OP to have weekends as family time, as long as her DH is also happy with that.[/quote]
Exactly this.

DP and I have a great relationship, we talk things through and make sure we are on the same page.