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Pregnancy

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Original poster

MIL buying baby items to keep at her house

197 replies

catqueen7 · 28/06/2021 15:23

Hoping for some advice on whether how to manage this or whether I’m being too sensitive. Due first baby in a few months which will be MIL’s first grandchild. DP gets on well with her but he usually visits himself, I get on ok with her but there has been a few issues in the past so I tend not to see her very often. She has been buying a moses basket and a changing table/unit to keep at her house which has made me very uncomfortable and never mentioned anything before buying them. We aren’t even buying these things ourselves as we don’t think they will be necessary. She only lives a few mins down the road.

I really do not want baby staying over there when they are so young, especially as such a young age that they actually require a moses basket. She has likely bought other things that I’m not aware of. Her expectations seem far too much. DP works away during the week and is only home at weekends so weekends will be our time to spend together as a family. MIL works full time anyway so I just don’t quite understand her expectations. DP is a bit of a people pleaser so hasn’t really said anything to her about this and has just said that it’s not our problem if these things aren’t going to be used and that it’s not our money that’s wasted. She never mentioned anything prior to buying them and I just find it very odd. I’m very worried she’s going to become overbearing and breathing down our neck wanting to be around all the time to spend time with the baby. If we happened to pop in over the weekend which we definitely wouldn’t be there long enough for the baby to need a moses basket or a changing table. It’s playing on my mind and bothering me. My parents also live close by whom I am very close to especially my mum who works part time so as I will be on my own all week and enjoy their company I will naturally spend more time there on maternity leave. If your MIL lives close by what is normal in your relationship?

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/06/2021 15:43

I’ve been thinking about this recently. None of my dses have children yet, but one is getting married next year, and children will definitely be on the cards before too long - so I’m only getting a bit ahead of myself.

My thoughts are that, first and foremost I would be listening to and respecting my ds and his lovely fiancée - but also that it might be helpful for them if we had some bits of baby equipment at our house, so that they didn’t have to try to bring it all with them when they come to visit - as a pp mentioned, a high chair, when the baby was old enough to be one, and maybe a Moses basket/travel cot if they were coming to stay (they live quite a long way from us, so they wouldn't just be popping in).

But I would ask first, and if they said not to bother, I’d respect that. And I certainly wouldn’t be expecting to have the baby over night/on their own, unless we were asked.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/06/2021 15:52

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

But I would ask first, and if they said not to bother, I’d respect that. And I certainly wouldn’t be expecting to have the baby over night/on their own, unless we were asked.

I think this is a vital difference. You’re planning on being supportive and letting your children and their partner take the lead. You’re not being presumptuous or demanding. I think the difficulties arise when MIL’s make no effort or are openly hostile with the “girlfriend” but then when the girlfriend becomes the mother of their grandchildren, they suddenly expect that mother to hand over her tiny baby to someone who has been cold towards them for years.

Sceptre86 · 29/06/2021 15:54

She sounds excited, understandable it is her grandchild too not just your parents. You will be spending more time with your parents as your mum works part time, that is reasonable but it would also be nice if you allowed mil to spend some time with baby too. If you don't want to leave your baby overnight when they are young that is absolutely fine, just explain that to her or get your dh too. You haven't even had the baby yet and you don't know how you will feel afterwards. Mil might be a godsend in terms of minding baby in the evening so you could go out with a meal with friends or get some chores done. You don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable with of course but it is a shame you would push her out unless there is a massive dripfeed and she has been awful to you.

BigPyjamas · 29/06/2021 16:05

Isn't it just handy to have this stuff there for when you visit?

My parents have a cot, car seat, potty, change mat, bouncer seat, baby plates, high chair. We don't visit often as they're a long way away (sadly) but it means I don't have to take any of this stuff when we do. Just really useful and when we're done with an item it goes to friends with grandkids, so not wasted.

Rosesareyellow · 29/06/2021 21:37

Let her crack on with buying what she wants, you will be the one deciding what contact your baby has with her!

So the dad gets no say in this at all?

saraclara · 29/06/2021 23:38

@Rosesareyellow

Let her crack on with buying what she wants, you will be the one deciding what contact your baby has with her!

So the dad gets no say in this at all?

It's MN. New dads have to keep their parents away at all costs. That's their role. Heaven forbid that the PILs turn up to visit in hospital, or expect to meet the baby before it's six months old.

Blossomtoes · 29/06/2021 23:42

They also have to do as they’re told. Any hint of independent thought is firmly quashed.

saraclara · 29/06/2021 23:50

@Blossomtoes

They also have to do as they’re told. Any hint of independent thought is firmly quashed.

Absolutely right. It's not like it's their baby or anything...

Oh.

timeisnotaline · 29/06/2021 23:52

Babies nap. They poo. A changing table is often easier than a mat on the floor for teeny babies, my knees struggled with getting up and down to the floor. She’s close by- your marriage and family will be easier if your dh can comfortably wander off with baby for 2 hours between feeds and put them down for a nap while visiting his mum rather than baby can’t leave your side. That’s setting yourself up to be complaining your dh doesn’t do any of the parenting work in years to come. You don't have to let them stay overnight! My 3yo has slept over at mils once ever hit he’s had a million naps and meals there, both with and without us.

SelkieQualia · 29/06/2021 23:55

If the baby spends any time there at all, you will be thankful she has them. LOL at the idea that you can do anything without needing to change a nappy ( yes, you could use the floor, but if she is going to provide a change table, why not?)

saraclara · 30/06/2021 00:01

Heh. In my spare bedroom there's a travel cot set up. My front room has a sofa and an IKEA Kallax full of second hand toys and books. It's my DGD's playroom, basically. I have bottles, sippy cups, a silicone bowl, a high chair, nappies and wipes, muslins and various random stuff. DGD has never stayed the night, but her weekly half day visits with DD and the occasional times I've minded her in the day, run a lot more smoothly because I have this stuff.

Obviously I've only got away with it because I'm DD's DM and not MIL.*

A lot of the hardware was passed on by my friends who did GP childcare but the kids were now older. It's been really useful.

*not really. I know her MIL has even more stuff. But then she already had DGCs before this one.

BeeDavis · 30/06/2021 10:11

I feel really sad for your mother in law, she’s just excited for her first grandchild and you’re already planning on her not having much of a relationship with the baby! Imagine how she’ll feel when you’re with your parents constantly and she’ll barely get a few hours with them! You’re being pathetic and selfish.

frazzledasarock · 30/06/2021 12:25

MIL will continue to have the same relationship with OP as she has currently, her son can facilitate contact with their child with his mother if he chooses.

If MIL's want to see their grandkids loads, they should have a good relationship with their DIL's, being nasty to your DIL and then expecting her to hand over her newborn, is unrealistic.

I have noticed, in my household MIL only gets invited or visited or remembered if I prompt it. I used to invite MIL but took a huge step back when I got a rude response from her once (I think SIL was getting jealous I was stealing her mother from her 🙄 ) . I still prompt DH to invite his mum to come over to us (don't do it myself anymore unless it's for a specific reason eg her sons birthday), I love my MIL and she is a lovely woman who is a loving grandma, and I love my DC having a close relationship with her.
But if she was rude or dismissive of me, I would not go see her or invite her over I'd leave it completely to my DH. DH has said before we got together and had our DC he saw his mother twice a year at most, Christmas and his birthday if he popped over.

We're taking MIL on holiday with us this year, and yes I was the one who organised everything and DH issued invites. I can't see it having happened if I didn't like my MIL.

Its a two way relationship, if MIL's is not nice to DIL as a person, DIL is hardly likely to hand over her precious new born to her.

saraclara · 30/06/2021 12:54

Its a two way relationship, if MIL's is not nice to DIL as a person, DIL is hardly likely to hand over her precious new born to her.

Actually it's a three way relationship. Again, there's a father involved.

frazzledasarock · 30/06/2021 13:15

That's true.

I wonder how many men actually facilitate a relationship between their children and parents. As in visit them often with their children and spend time with them as a family.

helicopterrescue · 30/06/2021 13:18

In my family, it tends to be the men who do it. DF used to take me to my grandparents every weekend and DH takes our kids to his and my parents once or twice a week. Am actually pretty lazy when it comes to grandparents so he does it all.

lalaloopyhead · 30/06/2021 13:23

My exMil had baby stuff at her house and I didn't really give it much throught to be honest. She had a travel cot/play pen, a highchair and toys etc - we probably visited once a week or so and it was useful to have facilities there.

A moses basket is a bit more odd/wasteful though as they don't really get a huge amount of use anyway.

timeisnotaline · 30/06/2021 13:47

@frazzledasarock

That's true.

I wonder how many men actually facilitate a relationship between their children and parents. As in visit them often with their children and spend time with them as a family.

My husband and his brothers do. My brother does.

Horehound · 30/06/2021 14:22

The MIL made an off the cuff comment about baby sitting duties and the op has gotten all worked up and reading far too much in to it.
When the baby comes they will obviously not be having sleepovers or be left on their own with granny. Op knows that and yet is getting stressed about it. But it's something that won't happen so just calm down and think rationally, OP.
Who cares if she bought a bed or changing table. It probably will be handy when you do visit. It doesn't matter how often it's used.
But you're also getting worked up on the "what if" like you imagine all your weekends to be spent sitting at MILs. You know that won't happen either. But I think you are going to have to go occasionally because that's your husband's mother. That's what has to happen in a marriage tbh. Don't be slagging MIL off to your DH, it will cause arguments in your marriage that just aren't worth it.

Horehound · 30/06/2021 14:23

My DH and MIL organise their meet ups. They come here and stay because it's too far in the car with DS to get to theirs at the mo.

MummaBee233 · 15/11/2021 08:11

This happened to me, MIL also lives down the road and bought a cot for her house without consulting us. 16 months later and it's still collecting dust. 😂

Ameteurmum · 15/11/2021 10:54

I don’t think it’s a big deal but then again I really like my in laws and wouldn’t expect there to be any sketchy motives behind it. I bought a travel cot to leave at their house and we have taken toys over etc, they got a high chair and have some cups and bits and bobs for when the children stay. They live 20 minutes down the road so it’s easier for us to take stuff with us but it’s definitely handy to have. My parents live 300 miles away and my mum has a bedroom set up, has a high chair, cot and our old pram because it saves us having to take all that sort of stuff down with us. I would read in to it that they are excited and trying to be involved to make things easier not because they think they are entitled to your baby

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