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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

228 replies

topflower123 · 20/05/2021 00:53

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

OP posts:
Peachee · 20/05/2021 12:17

That’s so difficult.. all you can do is be there for her until she works out what she is going to do.. she has choices of course.. just sit and listen and just offer opinion when she requests it.. so so hard x

RandomMess · 20/05/2021 12:17

Geez that is really awful a d physically it isn't great having pregnancies so close together. I have certainly suffered because of it.

Sounds like her prefers her less in "control" stuck at home on maternity leave and dependent on him AngrySad

JingsMahBucket · 20/05/2021 12:19

@topflower123 I would seriously encourage your cousin to get an abortion. Most likely your family is really loving and supportive so would help her out if/when she divorces. There's no way in hell I would trust this guy again if I were her or your larger family. What else has he said so far? Is he even apologetic at all? Not that it matters. There's no coming back from this, really.

EarthSight · 20/05/2021 12:22

Fuckinghell. To me that's a type of rape. He's decided for his poor wife when she'll have a baby - she gets no say in the matter. He simply doesn't care - his needs come first. Doesn't matter how it will affect her mentally, emotionally or physically, that she might really struggle and suffer because of this. I find it absolutely chilling. She needs to get out of that relationship as soon as possible. If you respect someone as a human being with human rights, autonomy and dignity, you don't do that to them.

Nellle · 20/05/2021 12:36

Yes, it's a crime. It's rape. She did not consent.

To the posters comparing this to when a woman forgets her pill etc. That is SO different from deliberately sabotaging a method of contraception and I can't believe people can't see that.

GabsAlot · 20/05/2021 13:38

this makes me feel sick how fucking dare he hope your cousin will be ok

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/05/2021 14:01

To the posters comparing this to when a woman forgets her pill etc. That is SO different from deliberately sabotaging a method of contraception and I can't believe people can't see that.

I'm no longer shocked by the rigid adherents to the 5th rule of misogyny (but what about the men!) on this site. Men do not gestate babies. And using another human being's body as a receptacle, using deception to enforce that body into a pregnancy they don't want and which might even be harmful, is such intrusive, invasive, abusive, controlling and rapey behaviour that it's difficult to know where to start on how many lines are crossed here.

Women are not receptacles for men's needs. Men don't have the right to use female bodies at their convenience and to hell with the physical and emotional consequences they'll never have to bear. For a woman to trap a man by purposely falling pregnant may very well also qualify as unforgiveable, it's not the same thing and doesn't cross the same exploitational lines when it comes to another person's body.

I'm also convinced that these PPs can see that. They simply relish any opportunity to put other women back into their box and will always crawl out on any thread like this to remind other females of their place. And according to them that would be below, to one side of, and inferior to that of men.

littlecottonbud · 20/05/2021 14:12

@Snuggleworm

Your niece? Surely if you are cousins, then her child would be your second cousin, not your niece?
not the point !
Miasicarisatia · 20/05/2021 14:15

This is his way of punishing her for earning more than he does.... he's crushing her with pregnancy to destroy her earning power

Miasicarisatia · 20/05/2021 14:16

I would terminate the pregnancy and the relationship

LadyDanburysHat · 20/05/2021 14:40

@Miasicarisatia

This is his way of punishing her for earning more than he does.... he's crushing her with pregnancy to destroy her earning power
That was honestly one of my first thoughts too.
lottiegarbanzo · 20/05/2021 15:01

Yes, this is nothing like a woman 'tricking a man into fatherhood' - via her own, female, pregnancy. It is much more like someone, of either sex, deliberately infecting another person with a serious disease.

Sure, a lovely baby isn't like a disease (despite curtailing ones freedom, being expensive, demanding and for life). But pregnancy and all the risks it entails, is.

Lweji · 20/05/2021 15:32

A baby is also a huge commitment.

She should not be pushed into an abortion, but I'd make sure to pass on the idea that she wouldn't be unreasonable to at least consider it. He shouldn't be rewarded for his abuse of her. And there are no guarantees that he will care enough about this baby, or the other child, if she divorces him.

Fatmunks · 20/05/2021 15:37

@lottiegarbanzo never thought about it that way. Was mostly considering her leaving with DC from the point of view of giving herself ultimate freedom of choice; when to leave, when to come back(if coming back feels right to her), how much contact to allow etc.

Sending big love!

JingsMahBucket · 20/05/2021 17:10

@Miasicarisatia

This is his way of punishing her for earning more than he does.... he's crushing her with pregnancy to destroy her earning power
Exactly.
BanditoShipman · 20/05/2021 17:17

@MrsTerryPratchett

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.

It's almost like pregnancy and childbirth are different for men and women. And the law might acknowledge that. Amazing as it sounds.

Well said @MrsTerryPratchett

My response to that twatty post would have got me deleted.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 20/05/2021 18:39

What an abusive cock!!!!!

I know she said she won't, but a termination followed by criminal proceedings and a divorce would be reasonable

Miasicarisatia · 20/05/2021 18:48

he is very much targeting her when she is vulnerable and compromised, or in other words kick her when she's down!
I'm sure he knew that she would not feel able to terminate the pregnancy, he's deliberately and knowingly stitched her up in order to weaken her so that he can dominate and control her.
He has created a child whose primary purpose is to crush and defeat it's mother, how conflicted will that child be??

Fieldsofstars · 20/05/2021 19:41

Can you offer her somewhere to stay?
That’s what I’d do.
Ensure she knows my arms are open so she can leave if she needs to.

Original poster
topflower123 · 21/05/2021 01:36

Sorry for the late reply to these messages - thank you to everyone who commented, I appreciate it. Felt quite overwhelmed tbh (I know this is nothing compared to how my cousin is feeling, but it just feels so horrific in a sense).

As an update, my cousin and niece (I know this isn't the technically accurate term, just what I say!) have gone to stay with her parents for the moment. I don't know if they know what has happened yet. Culturally, we come from a background where divorce/separation is seen as shameful - I have another cousin who divorced an abusive ex and was disowned by the whole family :( I'm not sure, but I think the same would happen if my cousin left him - although I would always be there for her of course.

It's such a complicated situation, just going to wait until the weekend to speak to her properly.

OP posts:
NakedBanana · 21/05/2021 02:11

This not the actions of someone in a loving relationship. This will be just the beginning, you read on here time and time again how the abuse starts after pregnancy.

Your poor cousin has to make some pretty tough decisions.

This is nothing like a woman not taking her contraceptive pill. That women is knowingly putting her body through birth.

The OP's cousin had that right taken away from her.

MintMatchmaker · 21/05/2021 05:05

Awful situation that is made worse by your cousin knowing she will not have the support of her family (with the exception of you) should she decide to end her marriage.

Put up with with rape or be disowned by your family. What a horrible choice. Your poor cousin.

drpet49 · 21/05/2021 06:31

* To me that's a type of rape. He's decided for his poor wife when she'll have a baby - she gets no say in the matter. He simply doesn't care - his needs come first.*

*The same when a woman deliberately forgets to take her pill to trick her husband into getting pregnant?

sashh · 21/05/2021 06:52

I feel like this is a crime - am I completely wrong here?! I just feel furious on her behalf!

It's a crime called rape.

OP

I wish you and your cousin all the best with whatever decisions are made.

Lockdownbear · 21/05/2021 06:58

Op lm glad she has gone to her parents. And appears to have their support.

It really does sound like a control thing where he is trying to rebalance the relationship especially as she is the higher earner.

Just so cruel to have put her in that position.

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