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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
sweetheartyparty · 06/03/2021 22:59

He can be disappointed but he has no right at all to punish you for it. I'm sorry this is tarnishing your much wanted pregnancy

Wroxie · 06/03/2021 23:00

@SchadenfreudePersonified when you go for a private scan you can pay for a confetti cannon to take home (like a new year's eve party popper, but bigger) that will surprise you with pink or blue confetti according to the sex of the baby. Every bit as idiotic as it sounds.

thenightsky · 06/03/2021 23:02

Well, its down to his sperm. Nothing you could do. He needs to know this.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/03/2021 23:02

Stop being supportive of his horribleness towards you. Start showing your own feelings, how upset you are.

It sounds as though he's conned you into having a baby with him, under false pretences.

MNWorldisCrazy · 06/03/2021 23:03

@TeaBookcats Please, please, pleeeeease walk away from this man and claim maintenance. He's vile and I PROMISE you that your daughter will pick up on his manner towards her and a lot earlier than you think she will Thanks

Please leave him

grapewine · 06/03/2021 23:04

[quote Wroxie]@SchadenfreudePersonified when you go for a private scan you can pay for a confetti cannon to take home (like a new year's eve party popper, but bigger) that will surprise you with pink or blue confetti according to the sex of the baby. Every bit as idiotic as it sounds.[/quote]
Oh, wow. That's ... a lot.

Minniem2020 · 06/03/2021 23:04

Sorry op but he sounds like an absolute prick.
Massive congratulations to you on your pregnancy!!!
Any baby is a miracle, boy or girl and he should realise how lucky he is

soditall56 · 06/03/2021 23:04

Don't let him piss on your parade. Be happy, get excited. If he joins you then great, if not then his loss, leave him moping around

Hugoslavia · 06/03/2021 23:05

I can understand feeling disappointed/worried about gender as a woman having her first pregnancy, particularly due to all of he uncertainty about how you will bond with your baby etc. But as soon as you have a baby you realise that how much you adore your child has absolutely nothing to do with their gender at all. And you discover all the wonderful things about that child. So for him to already have a daughter, and presumably love her, it seems very strange to me that he wouldn't be excited about having another one. The fact that he won't even sit in the same room as you is concerning as it implies that you are somehow to blame. That said, sometimes people just need a couple of days to get their head around something. I'm sure that he will come round. Sorry that he's dampening your spirits though!

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 06/03/2021 23:05

The way he reacted is appalling, nothing excuses the way he took his disappointment out on you.

OH already had boys when we got together, when we went on to conceive our first baby we both hoped it would be a girl.

His preference was girl because he'd have quite liked having a daughter after having only having boys boys, he thought it would be a new experience in a way.

I wanted a girl because:

Years ago I gave birth to a little boy, he isn't here anymore. I was scared about how having another boy would bring up feelings about him.

I was also worried about how his existing boys would feel about him having another one with whom he'd live with. Would they feel as though they were being replaced?

Would his ex see it that way and become difficult? (she was already less than happy about him having another child and I expected backlash)

Having a girl would have meant we wouldn't have had those worries, just like a PP suggested up thread (you were spot on, in my case)

We paid for a private gender scan which revealed the baby was a boy, OH was absolutely fine about it and happy despite hoping for a girl. Me on the other hand, I went to pieces, floods of tears ect.

What I didn't do however was take it out on OH.

It all worked out fine in the end and DS is just wonderful, we did go on to have a daughter later on but the things I was worried about when pregnant with DS turned out to be totally irrelevant.

Congratulations on your lovely little girl OP.

If he doesn't change his attitude quick time and sincerely apologise/explain himself then he should get to fuck.

Lockdownbear · 06/03/2021 23:06

I have no words. But I'd be preparing to review my future. I'd worry if in the future you were to have a boy with him he'd worship the ground he walks on to the detriment of the girls.

When I was pregnant with my IVF DC2 MIL made the comment I hope it's a girls, since all her other GC were boys. I thought WTF!

I cannot imagine how I'd have felt if DH or anyone else came out with that comment.

Wroxie · 06/03/2021 23:07

@grapewine I mean, in the states last year I think they said that one of the million-acre california wildfires was started by some kind of coloured smoke bomb used for a gender reveal so a jumbo party popper is pretty low-key in comparison 😂

victoriaspongecake · 06/03/2021 23:07

Dump him. Now. And don’t let him near your precious daughter when she is born.

Lampzade · 06/03/2021 23:08

@TeaBookcats

He trains mixed martial arts and he said a dream was to have a son do it with him and he guesses that dream will never happen now.
He’s an idiot Dd2 does martial arts As others have said , the sex of the baby is determined by the man.
IndecentCakes · 06/03/2021 23:09

My H and sons kickbox and their teacher is a woman! (and hard as nails)

grapewine · 06/03/2021 23:11

[quote Wroxie]@grapewine I mean, in the states last year I think they said that one of the million-acre california wildfires was started by some kind of coloured smoke bomb used for a gender reveal so a jumbo party popper is pretty low-key in comparison 😂[/quote]
That's true!

adeleh · 06/03/2021 23:14

I’m so sorry, OP. It should have been a really special day for you.
I’d struggle to get past this. He sounds awful. How can he be so unsupportive, small-minded and selfish.
But try to hold on to the specialness for you. You’re going to have a gorgeous little girl. Congratulations! xx

AbsentmindedWoman · 06/03/2021 23:14

I'd leave, sorry. Fuck that. As someone who's father never had 'the motivation" for her, I beg you don't let your daughter grow up around that.

Yeah, this.

Don't raise your daughter around someone with that level of contempt for her.

ddl1 · 06/03/2021 23:15

Selfish? Does he think that it's YOUR choice to for the baby to be a girl, and that you could quite well have made it be a boy?!

In fact, gender of a baby is determined by the father, not the mother! Though either way, it's not a choice!

Babyjune21 · 06/03/2021 23:16

If that was my husband I would get rid of him might sound dramatic but he sounds like a horrible person

ddl1 · 06/03/2021 23:17

And I'd be really worried about a father who can't find the 'motivation' for a baby of the 'wrong' gender!

Wroxie · 06/03/2021 23:17

MMA is not the martial arts most of you are thinking of- it's not karate or taekwando or even kickboxing. It's dangerous and violent competitive combat and leads to head injuries and mental health/cognitive issues over time, much like boxing.The people who participate in it are generally pretty awful, in my experience.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/03/2021 23:21

@SanFranBear

I have one of each, DD being the eldest. At the second scan, both ExH and I were disappointed to be told we were having DS - purely because it felt like, better the devil you know and, quite frankly, DD is bloody awesome. However, we both got over it in about half an hour and by that evening were talking names and getting excited to meet the rest of our family.

And, just to reinforce his twatishness, DD is by far the more adventurous of our two - she is fierce, tries anything and does Taekwondo. DS, on the other hand, is much gentler and thoughtful with no interest in contact sports (or any sport, to be honest). Funnily, enough, this is nothing to do with their genitalia and everything to do with their personalities..

Massive congratulations, OP - a baby of any colour is a wonderful thing and I hope you get a chance to celebrate more with your Mum and sister over the coming months!

I feel like you, I have a DD and am now having a boy. When I found out I was slightly disappointed but quickly got over it as I just had to adjust my mindset - I had always thought I would have two girls!

OP, your DH is a twat.

DowntonCrabby · 06/03/2021 23:23

What a selfish prick!

I’m so sorry OP, this should be a magical time for you. Flowers

Do what’s right for you and your baby.

RosesAndHellebores · 06/03/2021 23:24

OP, and I ask this gently, why did his relationship with his dd's mother fail?

It is telling you say you have no parents (close family safety net).

There are red flags here and today has been about him being unkind, possibly emotionally abusive. There is enough to concern me that a man who engages in physical combat might not be far from physical abuse.

I would think very carefully about whether this man is an appropriate life partner and father to your child and whether his behaviour will always be that of a positive role model as a partner and father

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