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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 07/03/2021 12:08

Honestly, if you're not married, I'd call the relationship.

You don't want to be walking on pretzels and spending all your time trying to get him to engage and love his daughter for being his daughter. You want to focus on your daughter and your love for her.

aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2021 12:08

[quote mumwon]@aSofaNearYou because seeing a real baby when its born can as pp mentioned be a different experience than the scan & one would hope (!) he might have had a different attitude to the reality of a baby - this whole gender reveal thing makes me cringe
But his strange attitude makes me wonder about him - how old is he? Immature twit[/quote]
But someone that would sulk and blame their partner for getting the wrong gender due to their disappointment is fundamentally a massive arsehole, and saying he doesn't have the "motivation" for a girl is just so weird and sexist. I'd be saying the same thing as you if all he was displaying was disappointment, not targeted at anyone, but he's revealing some much darker truths about himself here.

Inertia · 07/03/2021 12:09

You now need to focus on what you can change.

Your partner has proved himself to be a threatening bully when you do not obey him, going by posts from your previous thread.

He was prepared to tolerate you incubating a mini-version of him. As that is clearly not happening, he is punishing you.

You can’t change him. He will continue to punish you (be on your guard for physical threat), and there’s every chance that he will reject his child when she is born.

All you can change is your own response. It’s not clear how much independence you have in terms of housing/ job/money , but I would strongly advise you keep as much independence as possible. Keep up strong relationships with your sister, stepmom and friends .

User57392985 · 07/03/2021 12:09

And if his hypothetical son didn’t want to do bloody MMA.....?? He’d be all disappointed and silent treatment like this with his son would he? He sounds foul.

Also I hope you have told him it’s all down to his sperm!

MeltsAway · 07/03/2021 12:10

I'll join the chorus asking if you're married? If you're not, do not give up work. Be ready for him to abandon you.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/03/2021 12:14

Ditch him. What a loser. Stop trying to appease this arsehole. Angry

Robinonaspade · 07/03/2021 12:14

Please focus on your instincts and you and your child's needs. You are growing a healthy baby and rightly are shocked at your partners reaction. Take time to consider your options.

I hope you have some real life support and can talk freely to someone, maybe your mum and sister? I think you know how you are being treated isn't right. Put your needs and your child's before that of your immature partner. Make sure you have firm plans for you and your child so that you can be confident that you will be able to provide what you need for future. You deserve to be treated with more respect and have confidence that those you love have your wellbeing at heart. You will meet your daughter in a few months, how exciting, focus on that, not your childish partner. Wishing you both the best 💐

SooMoony · 07/03/2021 12:17

My friend's husband was awful to her, when she had their 3rd daughter. This was before people could find out the sex of the baby during pregnancy.
His exact words were 'another fucking girl, I'm done with this'. He left shortly afterwards, remarried and had another 2 daughters.

YoniAndGuy · 07/03/2021 12:23

The funny thing is, after him not wanting to make any effort to celebrate today as it's his ‘downtime’, as soon as it came to us using the cannons him and his daughter grabbed one each, left me with none. Can't seem to win really.

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

Everything you post shows that this man is a total, total dick.

Leave now. Leave while you are only this pregnant and you can build a support sytem and a routine and a plan. Don't move with him.

Don't try and convince yourself that this is a shock reaction and actually he'll love this one just as much blah blah. He will - in his own way, which is the way that crappy, misogynistic, selfish, performance-parent childish men do.

Meanwhile, YOU deserve, and have time and freedom (not married!) to build a happier future with a nice man instead of a shitty B-list one.

mogtheexcellent · 07/03/2021 12:25

My 7 year old DD does rugby and Tae Kwon Do. She occaisionaly wears pink and puts a sparkly nail polish. Shes currently out in the tractor with DH. Shes wearing a not cuddly looking dinosaur dress and flower leggings.

His macho stereotyping is part of a HUGE social problem at the moment. Let a kid be a kid.

On a practical side I wouldn't overdo the pink clothing/nursery. I dressed DD in bright colours from day one. Its also more practical should you have further children Plus its apparent your OH may spontaneuosly combust at the sight of 'girls' things.

BigPaperBag · 07/03/2021 12:33

Ah well, his X chromosome. Should have done better.... How on earth does he think you’re supposed to produce a boy all on your own, did he even listen in biology? Congrats by the way.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/03/2021 12:35

Wow I understand that he’s disappointed at not having a son that’s fine but how he’s treated you is not ok. He needs to get a beer or whatever have a moan for 30 mins and then move the fuck on.

I read your previous thread and seeing your updates I think it’s obvious he didn’t want the baby and just sadly went along with it as you’re pregnant.

Congrats on your princess now work out a life for you and her alone. You don’t need him and he certainly doesn’t deserve either of you.

timeisnotaline · 07/03/2021 12:36

Where are you moving? If you live somewhere in your name and you can manage the rent and are moving somewhere in joint or his names and you can’t manage paying for solo you need to pull out if at all possible, ignore the hassle or any sense of shame or it’s gone too far. Anything would be better than tied into a housing arrangement that makes it harder for you to split.

Loopylobes · 07/03/2021 12:37

he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

@TeaBookcats, do you mean he said those words? If so, he has literally told you who he is and what to expect. Listen to him.

If he meant that you were selfish, he seems to be saying that it is selfish of you to be hurt when he says hurtful things to you. That is a huge red flag for abuse.

I'm mentally preparing myself for what I have to do if it comes to it.

It has already come to it.

Unless you have the kind of relationship where you can now give him a huge kick up the arse and tell him to get a grip and start behaving like and adult and he will give himself a talking to and do just that, you need to walk away.

Please don't bring a baby into a world where they live with someone who is disappointed in their very existence. That would set the tone for the child's whole life.

Tell this utter dick to shape up or ship out.

If you tolerate his behaviour and try to appease him, you are setting yourself and your baby up for a lifetime of misery. You both deserve better than that.

TheJerkStore · 07/03/2021 12:39

because seeing a real baby when its born can as pp mentioned be a different experience than the scan & one would hope (!) he might have had a different attitude to the reality of a baby

This isn't always the case. My ex's brother and partner didn't find out the sex at the scan preferring to wait until the baby was born. All the way through the pregnancy BiL referred to the baby as 'he' ... when she was born he didn't know what to do. My ex had to go round to his house to console him the day she was born because 'he didn't know what do do with a girl'.
I lost a huge amount of respect for him that day that never returned.

Ohhgreat · 07/03/2021 12:43

Given he's now made two girls, its more likely any further children will also be girls, so he could be mourning never having a son. Obviously nothing is certain, but maybe that's where his head has gone

VeganCow · 07/03/2021 12:43

Oh god, get rid of the bastard, what a thoroughly unpleasant and selfish man. I would have gone right off him immediately and that would be it for me. Single parenthood is far more appealing than a life of pussy footing round this twat, navigating his moods and tantrums. I say that as someone who became a single parent several years in and let me tell you, it was a weight lifted not having that extra man-toddler weighing me and the children down.

FedNlanders · 07/03/2021 12:44

@Ohhgreat

Given he's now made two girls, its more likely any further children will also be girls, so he could be mourning never having a son. Obviously nothing is certain, but maybe that's where his head has gone
My ex had 2 girls with me, a girl with another lady and then finally got his son...Hmm lowlife.
Twospaniels · 07/03/2021 12:48

And this is why I don’t think you should find out the sex. Once you go through labour and the baby is handed to you, you are so overwhelmed that it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl.
I had a girl first and then with my second I kind of hoped for a boy, but she was a girl too and once born and handed to me, I couldn’t have cared less that she wasn’t a boy. It never entered my head then or after

Your partner is a knob.

YoniAndGuy · 07/03/2021 12:51

Oh and agree with others - thank god it's a girl!

It's given you the final insight into what an absolute meathead piece of shit he is, and you can get away. Meanwhile, in another parallel Sliding-Doors dimension, there's a desperately unhappy version of you with a desperately unhappy little boy who's scared of his father bellowing at him to BE A MAAAAAAN and throwing tantrums at any suggestion that he won't be a MMA fighter.

kunterbunting · 07/03/2021 12:52

@TeaBookcats

He trains mixed martial arts and he said a dream was to have a son do it with him and he guesses that dream will never happen now.
There are so many kinds of wrong in his thinking that it's hard to take it all in.

You and he might have had a son who hated martial arts. You might have a daughter who loves it. Or hates it.

Since when did parents' hobbies have to be their children's hobbies, too?

Whoever asked which log you found this toad under was right.

randomer · 07/03/2021 12:54

"mourning never having a son"....here's a thing , you don't get everything you want.

Most people comprehend that from about 7 onwards.

OliverBabish · 07/03/2021 12:54

Cannot stress this enough: leave

Yes it’ll be scary, lonely, the hardest thing ever

But I cannot imagine the state you’ll be left in after enduring any more of your life with a man like that

C152 · 07/03/2021 12:54

What a total dick! His behaviour is selfish and childish. I'd leave him to get on with his grump and hope he grows up soon. If he hasn't sorted himself out within a couple of months, I'd be re-considering long-term life plans with this man.

Lockdownbear · 07/03/2021 13:25

Op you say you are moving house this week.
Can you move somewhere else rather than with him? I'd give him a day to calm and apologise but I'd be seriously considering moving elsewhere.

He asked you to terminate, then convinced himself it might be nice to have a boy, but really he doesn't want another baby.

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