Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
30mph · 07/03/2021 10:41

Do you believe he actually likes women? Because his words and behaviour suggest he really doesn't. He may be an adequate father for your step-daughter at the moment. But I strongly suspect that will change drastically once she hits adolescence.

You have received a rather dramatic warning about his character and belief system. I think you know you have some deep thinking to do about what you want for your daughter and yourself.

JustLyra · 07/03/2021 10:42

@TeaBookcats

This morning I asked him how he was feeling, he’s in an obvious mood still. He said he’s fine, it isn’t what he wanted but he’ll have to get on with it. I said we should be very lucky, so far, she’s a healthy baby girl.

We had problems from the start of the pregnancy, I literally can’t do or say anything right. I can feel it in my gut he doesn’t want this baby.

I’m still working, I don’t know what to do. We are moving this week. Everything feels like a mess right now.

Trust your instincts.

He’s ruining your pregnancy and doesn’t give a fuck about that.

Are you moving in together this week or just moving? Can you move on your own?

Hailtomyteeth · 07/03/2021 10:44

Congratulations, OP.

Now, advice you don't really want to hear!

LTB.
Whatever sex your baby had been, he would still have found an excuse to kick off. He doesn't want to be a father again.
He isn't a decent human being or he wouldn't want you to feel bad about the baby in your womb - neither you nor the baby has done this to upset him or mess with his life - he's just abominable and showing it.
'Gender disappointment is real' - no. Sod that. If you try for pregnancy, you know from the off that it will be a boy, girl, or somewhere between. It's up to the parents to be happy about the baby whoever s/he is.
He isn't a man to stay with. This is one example of his attitude, behaviour, selfishness (and he tried to turn that back on you!), manipulation (he wants you to remove the unwanted girl baby, doesn't he? Or, he'll use her sex as a stick to beat you with for the rest of your relationship. Mercifully, that won't be too long) and his sheer stupidity. More will follow. Don't stick around. Take your lovely womb-dweller and move on.

korawick12345 · 07/03/2021 10:45

He doesn't want a baby, he has told you this and you chose not to hear it. From that point onwards you should have split and prepared yourself for being a single parent because that is the choice you have made. The idea that you are carrying on as if this is going to end in anything but disaster is just plain delusional.

Octane · 07/03/2021 10:46

I wish we lived in a world where no woman was so desperate and lacking in self-esteem that they had to go out with men like this.

YouJustDoYou · 07/03/2021 10:51

Fucking immature piece of shit. He's shown you his true colours op. Your daughter will be better off without him to fuck up her self belief and self worth (speaking from experience. My dad was also extremely disappointed that sadly I didn't have a penis. He thought he hid it well growing up - he didn't). Do your poor little girl a favour and tell him to fuck off

YouJustDoYou · 07/03/2021 10:54

Do you believe he actually likes women? Because his words and behaviour suggest he really doesn't. He may be an adequate father for your step-daughter at the moment. But I strongly suspect that will change drastically once she hits adolescence

*You have received a rather dramatic warning about his character and belief system. I think you know you have some deep thinking to do about what you want for your daughter and yourself(

This. In spades. Misogynistic horrid immature manchild, who deliberately treats you like shit because you've had the "misfortune" to fall pregnant with a child that doesn't have a penis.

Lweji · 07/03/2021 10:55

Apart from anything else, he's also setting himself up to leave you to deal with the baby yourself, because it's your fault, you wanted the baby, etc.

It is likely that he did a similar number on his ex-wife.

Your choice. Is he so wonderful in everything else that you're prepared to put up with this?

tiredybear · 07/03/2021 10:56

wow, OP. I'd be seriously reconsidering my plans. His reaction is NOT normal. He sounds incredibly selfish at best and deeply deeply misogynistic at worst.

If it were me I'd prepare myself, get your ducks in a row, then sit and have a proper serious conversation with him about it. Maybe he'll magically become a more reasonable human being, if not, get out of there.

I am also concerned about your mention of moving. Are you still going to be close to support networks etc. Are you employed? Regardless of anything else, do not become more dependent on this shithead.

EternalOptimist7 · 07/03/2021 10:58

Absolutely shocking OP! I couldn’t stay with someone who behaved like that.

EternalOptimist7 · 07/03/2021 10:58

And how the heck are YOU selfish?!!

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 11:08

The "motivation"? I wouldn't have the motivation to have a relationship with an arsehole like that.

Genuinely consider your options. Is this actually recoverable from? You'll never forget it, and the more you get to know your lovely daughter you'll never forgive it either.

evenBetter · 07/03/2021 11:09

Obviously he doesn’t want it, he told you to abort. Sorry for your daughter that she’ll be burdened with trash for a ‘father’. Hope he gets vasectomised. His ex has some sense, good on her.

blowinahoolie · 07/03/2021 11:11

Congratulations OP. I am sure he will change his mind once she is born.

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 11:11

He's very sexist. The comments about martial arts prove it. His daughter might love to do that with him.
Also, any son might not be the least bit interested and prefer - I don't know - ballet or theatre or something.
His sexist and hereteronormative and 100 per cent his attitude to you will change once you're "just a mother" to him.
How did his last relationship break down?
Please please consider your options before you're in the vulnerable post natal period

pinkyredrose · 07/03/2021 11:12

From a previous thread of yours ,

I'm 28, I've been with my partner for 3 years. I've wanted to start a family for some time now. He has a planned child from his last relationship, we have her every weekend, she's 7
After lots of talk we decided to try for a baby and I fell pregnant shortly after. I'm now 6 weeks. We had an argument this weekend and he mentioned breaking up. He said here are two options, I have an abortion and we break up or we stay together and make it work. I was upset that he even suggested this. He said that I have ruined his life and he didn't even know I wasn't taken the pill. Which isn't true. He said he will never forgive me if we break up and he would potentially resent the child

He's an almighty arsehole. Get ready to do this on your own.

Peekay12 · 07/03/2021 11:15

I'm an Indian woman born and raised in the UK. I'm one of 5 girls. No brothers. In our culture it is a huge thing to have a boy. They are the pride and joy of the family. I have grown up hearing the same shit about how my parents didn't have boys and how we were worthless to our dad. We won't carry on the family name, etc. My dad still to this day tells us he wish he had a son and that has affected our feelings towards him. We love him but we have no respect for him. Your daughter will grow up the same way unless you do something about it now. I have a daughter and I'm pregnant with my second child. I also had anxiety about whether I'm going to have another girl. I asked my husband and he was like 'I don't care, it doesn't bother me'. I realised then that my upbringing had actually affected my way of thinking and I was scared to have another girl. That's when I realised I fucked up and this is not what I stand for. I now don't care what my baby will be. I am expecting family members to say things though but I will not stand for it. I suggest you talk to your partner about his actions and thoroughly think about how you want to raise your children. If he continues to show his disappointment, it will definitely affect her, just like it affects me and my sisters to this day.

Haffiana · 07/03/2021 11:23

Grow up, OP. I remember your other thread. Desperation barely covers it.

You are going to be a mother. You need to start right now doing what is best for your child.

Hanging on to a man because your self-respect is zero has to come second now.

ancientgran · 07/03/2021 11:32

I think he is being awful but do you think he might feel differently when the baby is born? When I had mine I didn't even have a scan with the first, they were just coming out and not all hospitals had them, with the last two I had scans but they didn't tell you the sex, I think it was unreliable back then.

My husband wanted daughters, his reasoning was he was frightened he couldn't love a boy, now that sounds bad but his father died when he was a baby and his grandfathers were also dead. He was brought up by his mother and grandmother, his loving adult relationships were with women and he couldn't imagine being that close to a boy. So son was born at 5 pm, we had all neutral baby stuff. DH arrived at the hospital the following morning, I swear he had bought every style of blue babygros and baby suits they stocked in Mothercare. The hospital bed looked like an advert for baby boy clothes. I think from the moment he held him all worries about loving a boy disappeared.

I hope it works out for you.

aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2021 11:41

He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl.

WTAF?

What an absolute prick, and what a worrying thing to say.

mumwon · 07/03/2021 11:42

this is exactly why not knowing the sex of baby until it is born is a good idea
Did he ever mention that he only wanted a boy
I think he is an unrealistic narcissistic & insensitive to boot -makes me wonder why his last relationship ended

aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2021 11:48

@mumwon

this is exactly why not knowing the sex of baby until it is born is a good idea Did he ever mention that he only wanted a boy I think he is an unrealistic narcissistic & insensitive to boot -makes me wonder why his last relationship ended
Why would it have been better to have not revealed what an awful person he is until the baby was born?
Curlymam88 · 07/03/2021 11:59

Surely he should just be happy that the baby is healthy regardless of if baby is a boy or girl.

Jaxhog · 07/03/2021 12:04

@TeaBookcats

He trains mixed martial arts and he said a dream was to have a son do it with him and he guesses that dream will never happen now.
What a dickhead! Girls do MA too (I have a BB in Karate for example). Not all boys like MA either!

Btw, it isn't her gender, but her sex that has been revealed.

mumwon · 07/03/2021 12:04

@aSofaNearYou because seeing a real baby when its born can as pp mentioned be a different experience than the scan & one would hope (!) he might have had a different attitude to the reality of a baby - this whole gender reveal thing makes me cringe
But his strange attitude makes me wonder about him - how old is he? Immature twit