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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
Supmama · 07/03/2021 08:39

A warning to anyone thinking of gender reveal. Unless both don't have an obvious preference gender reveals are not always a good idea. I have a friend whos dad a lot of girls, all girls. Each one after the first girl he said he was initially disappointed as he wanted a son, when he heard but as there was no gender reveal back then he didn't have months to stew on it. Baby placed in his arms he fell in love, he became dad to each baby when they were born rather than when her mum was pregnant. He now says he so proud of being surrounded by all his girls, now all grown up. Not saying of course this would happen with all men but when the baby is arrives and you find out then it doesn't give you months to think about what you really wanted. I understand how tempting and practical it is to find out of course.

randomer · 07/03/2021 08:41

What on earth is wrong with this person and a 7 year old shouldn't be burdened with this shit.

randomer · 07/03/2021 08:43

"have to get on with it"

Not a great start.

get some support, get counselling, review your options.

lunar1 · 07/03/2021 08:44

I feel so sorry for children who are a disappointment before they even take their first breath. People with such strong feelings over the genitals are of their children shouldn't be having babies.

spottymcbotty · 07/03/2021 08:50

@TracyBeakerSoYeah ,I agree with the reasons you have suggested may be behind his response.A lot of people have difficulty articulating what they actually feel.However as a grown up this is absolutely no excuse to have treated his pregnant partner in this way

TillyTopper · 07/03/2021 08:50

What an awful man! His reaction is horrible and I think quite extreme. I think it puts you in a difficult position because you will constantly think of this when you have your little girl and are a family. I'm sorry OP but it would cause me to question my relationship with him.

Sevensilverrings · 07/03/2021 08:51

Is this what you want for your daughter?

Emerald99 · 07/03/2021 08:53

What a selfish prick

Dullardmullard · 07/03/2021 08:58

You should of left the day he asked you to do a termination as he doesn’t want this baby at all and never has.

Why are you asking how he’s feeling you’ve known for ages how he’s feeling.

Tell the fukker to grow up and he can’t undo the fact he now or soon to have 2 daughters.

georgarina · 07/03/2021 08:58

WTF? He's sulking like a toddler because he doesn't want a girl, and he's saying YOU'RE being selfish?

Also, he must have known having another girl was a possibility..?

Hallyup5 · 07/03/2021 09:00

Yes, he's being an idiot in the way he's handling it, but give him time to come round. Gender disappointment is a very real thing for a lot of people. Men may be responsible for the sex but it's not like they have any control over it.

He'd hate to be my husband. I have 5 girls. My only boy was stillborn. He should be grateful for a healthy child and I'm sure he will be, in time.

Nith · 07/03/2021 09:00

You should of left the day he asked you to do a termination as he doesn’t want this baby at all and never has.

Which day was that, @Dullardmullard? OP hasn't mentioned it.

radbadger · 07/03/2021 09:02

It sounds like he's the type of bloke who fails to see a person as a person but instead girls are girls and boys are boys. Why can't he accept he has a child and not give two stuffs about what sex it is?

Aside from that, I really feel for you. He has totally stolen from you what should be a really special and exciting time. He's zapped all the enjoyment and excitement you should be having looking forward to a new baby. Instead he's just selfishly made you feel like shit. Hopefully he will come around.

Thomasina79 · 07/03/2021 09:03

I can’t believe that he walked out of a room if you were in it?? Sounds like he is blaming you. What century is he living in.

Only you can decide if you want to stay with this idiot, but I don’t think I could.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.

georgarina · 07/03/2021 09:04

*Also, for everyone making excuses for gender disappointment - I had gender disappointment with my first. I felt down for literally maybe half a day after the scan - then I bought lots of lovely boy things and got ready for my baby.

The issue is not gender disappointment. It's the total selfishness, lack of self-control and failure to handle it.

No one should have kids if they'll be THAT disappointed by a 50/50 result.

sheilatakeasheilatakeabow · 07/03/2021 09:06

This is your first baby and you deserve all the excitement and happiness in the world

Congratulations- a girl! How wonderful

The world doesn't need any more males like him anyway

NotSeenBulling · 07/03/2021 09:19

At the point he said all of this I would have walked out and kept on walking. I would never be able to forgive this attitude. It would ruin forever my relationship with him. Fine to think it but to voice it and then carry it on - no. Fucks sake.

randomer · 07/03/2021 09:19

Gender disappointed, oh being a twat has it's very own label now? Like "I'm suffering from gender disappointment "
Run for the hills OP

villamariavintrapp · 07/03/2021 09:24

Well, he's a prick. Yes girls can of course do MMA, but whether your baby is a girl or a boy they shouldn't have to in order for their father to have the 'motivation' for them. What if his son didn't want to fight? What about all the years before he would be old enough to train? Not interested? What a prick. Presumably he only loves his daughter at the moment as she's happy doing what he wants her to..?

lottiegarbanzo · 07/03/2021 09:25

Has he asked how you're feeling? Apologised for ruining your day yesterday?

This seems to be a terminally one-sided relationship.

dodiebantock · 07/03/2021 09:27

What a vile man. Does he want a son to fit in with his macho martial arts image he has of himself. Two different mothers both with girls - he could try for a son ten times and still produce girls. Every girl wants a father who loves her unconditionally and will protect her. He should be the template of what she looks for in a future partner - loving, kind, caring and understanding - he is none of these.

Your daughter will soon realise his disappointment.

My mother was bitterly disappointed when I was born. She already had “her Prince” and she actually said to me - on many occasions - “Why did I have you - I already had my boy”. Seventy one years on it still stabs me to think I was not wanted and was always a disappointment to her. I spent my life trying to make it up to her.

My mother was so bitterly disappointed she wanted to call me Phillipa - Phillip being the name she had chosen for a son to see if it would ease her disappointment. My godmother persuaded her against this.

Please do not let your beautiful innocent new baby start her precious life with such an uncaring apology for a father.

MummyJ12 · 07/03/2021 09:29

I really feel for you. He sounds like a child himself and he’s behaving like his dick is on his head right now!
I agree with randomer, get some support and arrange some counselling. You need positivity around you right now not this negativity. The main thing is that you’re going to be a mummy, and your baby girl is healthy. Congratulations! Flowers if it doesn’t get better in the next day or so, get him away from you. Please don’t try and placate him or enable this awful treatment of you.
Hopefully soon, he’ll regret his behaviour and realise he’s being an dickhead and realise how lucky he is. Take care.

MimiDaisy11 · 07/03/2021 09:29

So sorry OP. It sounds a terrible situation. I'm neutral on gender reveal parties/surprises but I'm always so confused when one parent takes it really bad. If you know you only want one sex then why do that? I remember reading about a woman who burst into tears when she found out she was having a boy at such a reveal. It's strange to me.

I could maybe forgive him for being a little down and maybe saying something he regretted when he first found out. But to not have reflected on it and to not realise how selfish and sexist he was, doesn't make him look good at all.

Best of luck for going forward with everything.

Soubriquet · 07/03/2021 09:30

It’s ok to be disappointed that the baby is not the sex you wanted

What’s not ok is acting like everything is the pregnant woman’s fault and that he can’t “motivate” himself to be a dad to a girl

Soubriquet · 07/03/2021 09:32

@TeaBookcats

He trains mixed martial arts and he said a dream was to have a son do it with him and he guesses that dream will never happen now.
My dh was excited we were having a boy because he thought ds would be able to do boxing like dh enjoys

Ds is a soft gentle boy who doesn’t even enjoy rough play so that back fired on him