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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 07/03/2021 09:36

I wouldn't have the motivation for him.

MrsVogon · 07/03/2021 09:38

Is he a Tudor Monarch or something? Honestly....I'd be telling him to fuck right off! What a complete arsehole, blaming you for being selfish!

Vallmo47 · 07/03/2021 09:38

Have you ever been on Ingender.com OP? It might help you understand the way your partner is feeling. He’s behaving badly, I quite agree, but I honestly think he can get past this if you give him more time. I don’t want to out myself too much but my partner behaved awfully when I first found out I was pregnant for the second time. It very nearly ended us. But we sat down for a long chat about a week after finding out and he really took on board how he was making me feel and it did change things for the better.
Gender disappointment is real, it happens. And it’s no good telling people how unreasonable and disgusting their feelings are either. They know it’s not right, they cannot control their feelings. But they will all learn to accept it and they will love their children once here.

It’s a bit like you having a massive row with your mum and me saying ‘I wish my mum was alive’. That’s just heartless of me. Of course that’s true - I’d give anything for my mum to be alive, but it really doesn’t help you at the time.

I’m just saying - give him a bit of time to come to terms with this. He needs to wrap his head around that a dream of his didn’t come true. It doesn’t mean he won’t love your daughter at all.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m sorry he’s making you feel crap.

Woodlandbelle · 07/03/2021 09:42

OP I would take time to consider if you should stay with him. Is he going to add anything to your life. He sounds quite nasty and spiteful.

Livelovebehappy · 07/03/2021 09:42

Sorry OP, but you’ve found out he’s an arsehole too late. You’re now having his child, and your life’s are going to be forever entwined. It’s your special time, and he’s now ruined what should be a lovely period - where you’re pregnant, excited and planning.

SaveMyGrass · 07/03/2021 09:43

This was why I didn't find out what I was having for my first baby as I knew DH really wanted a boy and didn't want any disappointment and just thought the elation of a healthy baby would mean there would be no disappointment over whether it was a boy or a girl. We had a DD.

Sorry your DH being like this, there is nothing he can do about it, I would just ignore him as he will surely come round.

Pulledamonica · 07/03/2021 09:47

Please get rid of him.

AgathaAllAlong · 07/03/2021 09:49

It's not enough for him to say he'll get on with it. He has to apologize for treating you so terribly yesterday if he wants any chance going forward.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/03/2021 09:51

I'm sorry OP but this sounds horrible and if you stay, I can foresee a long and miserable future with this fuckwit.

I would be thinking long and hard about your future with this man. Because now you know that his treating you with respect is conditional on doing only the things that HE wants. And even though something is his "fault", he will punish you for it.

This is not a nice man.

Do not move house if it's going to legally tie you to him more than you are now.

Meruem · 07/03/2021 09:52

I would have said maybe he’ll come round if not for the other post of yours that’s quoted here. I don’t think he wants a baby at all.

I’m actually glad you’re having a girl because his attitudes around a potential son are worrying. What if the boy didn’t like fighting? What if he wanted to pursue hobbies your DP thought were “girlie”. I have horrible images of him shouting at a boy “be a man”. And the poor boy being a nervous wreck. Or he’ll raise a boy that’s just like him, which isn’t great either. At least with a girl she won’t be under the weight of his expectations.

missbridgerton · 07/03/2021 09:55

This was a tough thread to read when you've had a stillborn baby, and literally didn't give a shit what gender your following DC were when they were born as long as they took a breath.

I can't even put into words what I think of your partner, OP. I know you're trying desperately to see the best in him, but I think you're looking in vain. He's shown you what sort of person he is.

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

StarCourt · 07/03/2021 09:58

Hi op my ex husband was the same when we found out we were having a girl and he has no other children!
For him it was a cultural thing but it ruined the rest of my pregnancy. Other issues then started cropping up once DD was here, it took me 3 years in total to have my 'last straw' moment. I'm so glad we split then divorced, he's still an arse now and unfortunately I'll never really be free of him. But DD is now 12 so I'm counting the years until I need have nothing to do with him

PopUpName · 07/03/2021 10:05

Why are you moving? Where are you moving to?

Do. Not. Give. Up. Your. Job. What's the maternity leave situation for you?

TheJerkStore · 07/03/2021 10:05

What a horrible man.

MimiDaisy11 · 07/03/2021 10:09

Gender disappointment is real, it happens. And it’s no good telling people how unreasonable and disgusting their feelings are either. They know it’s not right, they cannot control their feelings. But they will all learn to accept it and they will love their children once here

That describes some threads I've seen on here but really to be calling a pregnant woman selfish for having a girl and saying you can't be dealing with a girl - then to still be in a mood the following days and not apologise for your behaviour suggests he doesn't know it's not right to behave like that.

HermitsLife · 07/03/2021 10:10

Flowers to all the mums who lost babies.

StopCryingYourHeartOut · 07/03/2021 10:13

Crikey, sounds like he didn't really want a baby but would have begrudgingly accepted it if it had been a boy.

DeepThinkingGirl · 07/03/2021 10:27

This is so sad.

You can be disappointed for a little while but not like that! And he is pissing on your chips and not letting you enjoy the moment.

He sounds like he manages his emotions quite selfishly in general and you do need to have a stern word about this when you feel better

“Listen, I understand you are disappointed and that’s up to you because I see it as a good thing having a sister for your daughter. However, you are being selfish and inconsiderate to me as this is my baby too and you better handle your emotions like an adult from now on because you are hurting me and could hurt the baby”.

Tell him to go speak to a friend instead of bringing you down with him.

Chooseausernamenow · 07/03/2021 10:31

He’s showing you who he really is. Take note. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/03/2021 10:32

The chromosomes that determine the sex of that baby come directly from the father.

His reaction is repulsive. A strong word yes, but on this occasion it's warranted. It's not something I would be able to forget.

PinkPiranha11 · 07/03/2021 10:34

What a tosser! He does realise the sex of the child is determined by HIS sperm doesn’t he.... so if it’s anyone’s “fault” it’s his.

Also, has the mum of multiple boys I can tell you hands downs that if he ain’t motivated to have a girl then he certainly won’t be keen on a boy. Fuck me, toddler boys are hard work.

Dullardmullard · 07/03/2021 10:34

@Nith

You should of left the day he asked you to do a termination as he doesn’t want this baby at all and never has.

Which day was that, @Dullardmullard? OP hasn't mentioned it.

Previous post
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/03/2021 10:35

Having read the other threads the big gender reveal seemed the wrong decision given the existing child is already struggling with the idea of a new sibling not to mention it would appear both of you are on different pages re the pregnancy.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/03/2021 10:35

Gender disappointment is real, it happens. And it’s no good telling people how unreasonable and disgusting their feelings are either.

I think you mean sex. 'Gender' is a [false] social construct. And yes, these feelings ARE unreasonable and disgusting to a mother like me, who has lost five babies and was desperate to be able to give my child a sibling [of either sex] and couldn't.

Would people like this be 'disappointed' to have a child with a disability too? Frankly, children deserve far better than this from their so-called parents.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 07/03/2021 10:40

I have a feeling your world will be a lot happier without that arsehole in it.

No motivation for it my arse. Nothing would make me choose celibacy quicker.

Wineinthewillows has it.

Push back. Hard. Now. Or your life will be on tiptoes. And not just your life either.