Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

@Sugarandteaandmum

And that's why I don't trust someone who dislikes babies, @Eckhart. I don't trust people who dislike the vulnerable

Baseless assumption. Not liking babies doesn't have to have anything to do with their vulnerability. I'm sure many people who don't much like babies are keen on puppies or kittens or working with the elderly, or disabled, or those otherwise vulnerable.

I imagine it's often not about disliking 'the vulnerable', but more about disliking screaming sounds or vomit or the smell of nappies that need changing.

Your in a good position here I think to make either decision about your friend. The fact you only see each other every year or so gives you a great opportunity to either keep her as a friend, visiting her when you are ready to leave baby or make the choice to cut her from your life. Its great to have a mix of friends, some mum friends you can chat away about baby/kids with but its nice to get away from that and have adult chat about things other than kids. If she's put it as plainly as you say I think she's maybe been a bit unsensitive but maybe you underestimate how much she hates kids who knows. Its not a personal attack on you or your baby, so if your still interested in being friends with her you could defo make it work. Though you sound quite offended so ita really up to you if you feel lile you can move on from the situation. Good Luck OP

My best friend has never and will never want kids and isn't into babies. She does however love dogs and I don't (I don't hate them just not an animal person). So we laugh about that fact that babies to me are what puppies are to her. BUT she still listens to the kid talk and my baby is allowed in her house. I don't think I'd ever ask her to babysit as this would be uncomfortable for her but she is definitely not a baby person but still makes an effort for me.

I'm sorry but your friend just sounds plain rude and quite unkind. I would bin her off - would you treat her this way if it were the other way round?

That’s very hard. It sounds like your lives are just going in very different directions. The friendship may survive if you’re willing to concede to her terms, but you’ll probably not be be able to remain close friends.

I'd slowly start to phase her out as she's not bringing anything positive to your life. Don't contact her any more, if she contacts you then don't immediately reply.

You mentioned that she's training you then you need to start doing the same. Once she starts spouting her verbal diarrhoea then ask if she means to be so rude. The old mn favourite, if it's yes then she admits to what she is (a rude bitch). If the answer is no then she owes you an apology, which you probably won't get.

She is showing through her behaviour what kind of a person she is so you need to take notice. Your child is more important than her so you need to dump the toxic bitch. If she's infertile then that's sad but no excuse for behaving like a vile human being, that's her real personality.

I think she's being quite reasonable, being clear about her feelings and boundaries.

Why would someone who hates babies want one in her house for multiple days?

I don't understand what difference it makes where you post, I never go to individual sections (can never find them, the whole 'Talk' subsection page layout is confusing), I just assumed most people just click through the Trending Now section which is all I do. Anyhow...

I know you don't think your friend has problems conceiving, but clearly something is going on because no one is that forceful and hateful of children and babies that they cannot even allow a visit or an hour or 2. For whatever reason she can't/won't tell you, but I suspect she was born with a reproductive abnormality or condition which means she can't carry a baby to term if not can't conceive. Even this is telling; "she doesn't like being in the room with them at all" - this seems to come from an emotion place imo. Not one of choice. If a person is happy with their own personal choice to not have children, it doesn't automatically mean they are that filled with animosity towards a baby that they refuse to be in the same room as one (unless it's a 'front' ie too emotionally painful for them, if you see what I mean, so hating children and babies is a cover for them). It's the protesting too much; a person who is confident to not have children doesn't usually tend to be so hateful of babies they refuse to be in the same room or try to force her views on you. She is way over the top, entirely too over the top for it to be her decision. 100%, there is far more going on than she just 'doesn't like or want children'. I've yet to meet any childless by choice person who actively hates babies and refuses to be in the same room as them. Her attitude is tending towards psychopathy towards a baby, and that is far more than by 'choice'.

Regardless, if you cannot even visit at her house for a cuppa for an hour if your baby is with you, it's clear your friendship is incompatible. As sad as it is for you I think it would be best that you 'ghost' this friendship, as soon as possible for your own piece of mind. Whatever her health issues, it's clear she doesn't want to move on from it and intends to try to force you away from your baby and to her way of thinking. She only wants to associate with you conditionally, and wants you to deny your own existence as a mother. Sadly the friendship has run it's course.

I think your friend is jealous already that the baby will take all your attention and there will be none left for her. Saying you can come and not the baby shows this pretty clearly.

Why do you keep texting her about baby stuff. You know she's not interested, you know she doesn't like talking about it and yet you keep on and on. She's tried to be polite and keep responses to a minimum but now your talking about bringing it all to her home and she's had to spell it out to you.

Cupo - does the OP ‘keep’ texting her friend about baby stuff? Does the OP keep ‘on and on’?
I’ve read the OP’s posts through and there’s nothing at all to suggest that’s the case. There’s nothing you could even misinterpret as that being the case. You’ve got a very fine imagination though...perhaps you should channel that into some creative writing or something...better than making shit up to have a go at someone about on the internet.

She sounds like a psycho.

It’s ok to find babies and small children irritating. Lots of people do. Lots of people don’t. It’s weird banning the baby from going in the house. Not normal behaviour but it might be more about securing quality time with you 1:1. It is true that babies and small children change the flow of interactions between grown ups socialising.

I don’t think she’s training you up when she responds minimally to texts about babies. She’s not interested and that’s ok. It’s a boring topic to her. You're better off just keeping baby texts low and finding your baby support elsewhere.

Who can you have these baby conversations with? As a new mum you will likely talk a lot about baby things (babies feeding, sleeping, development, health, moods). It would be really unfair to expect somebody with no interest in babies to listen to baby chit chat. The serious issues yes do share.

Why not suggest you meet over zoom? Tell her you suspect you’re unlikely to want to leave the baby so socialising over zoom would be a good compromise.

Stop pushing the baby topic on her. You may find that if you don’t mention the baby much she will slowly come round and get used to things. At the moment you’re having hard head to head discussions.

disliking screaming sounds or vomit or the smell of nappies that need changing
But that's my exact point. These things are core to life. If you can't hack them for a little while and even more so, you actually dislike the person who makes them, you've got some work to do on yourself.

Accept her decision
Maintain the friendship in other ways
Keep your own identity

@Sugarandteaandmum

disliking screaming sounds or vomit or the smell of nappies that need changing But that's my exact point. These things are core to life. If you can't hack them for a little while and even more so, you actually dislike the person who makes them, you've got some work to do on yourself.

Everybody is allowed to make their own decisions. You are allowed to put your boundaries wherever you like, but this person has made a decision for herself based on her boundaries, and has communicated it clearly. That demonstrates trustworthiness and honesty. Perhaps you need to do some work on yourself, regarding your generalisations.

I worked with someone like this in her early 40's. She spoke of an absolute hatred of kids regularly. I never really knew why as she has a partner she lived with and we're planning to get married. A few years later she had a baby age 45 with someone new. So maybe it was her partner or not being in love ? I think maybe it was a case of not thinking she'd have the opportunity in terms of meeting someone or maybe she needed IVF didn't have the money before. I really don't know.

I've never been majorly maternal or wanted to hold other popes babies, but it's unusual to be extreme. I love my two though 🥰

The OP says she texts about baby stuff and as yet it hasn’t even arrived! The OP needs to read the room and see that the friend is not interested, hence her minimal replies.

Regarding the stay, I think the friend must be panicking, dreading a week of accommodating OP plus her baby. She knows that although the OP has made grand gestures about staying in an air b&b and “finding childcare” realistically that isn’t going to happen, and it will be OP + baby in her house.

The friend’s comments have been brutal, but as pp mentions, she has at least set out her stall so the OP is in no doubt that a cooing over baby week is definitely out. If I were OP I would just accept that it’s a remote friendship for a while and they may or may not reconnect in person some time in the future.

I'm all for boundaries, but there are healthy boundaries and then there's shutting yourself off from life. Like the grandmother mentioned upthread who won't have her little grandchildren polluting her stylish apartment. How very sad. Maybe she'll find that once they grow up, their boundaries shut out doddering old people who might smell of urine (which wouldn't at all be horrid or prejudiced of them - perish the thought!- simply an honest drawing of boundaries!).

Intergenerational bonds are important for society, and for our own wellbeing. We were all babies, and most of us will be elderly. It's an artificial and impoverished life that restricts contact only to convenient companions at the same life stage as oneself.

Meh, honesty is overrated. Sometimes honest people are also utter cunts who are honest about it, (because they don't care about anyone but themselves - it's easy to be honest when you don't give a shite about anyone other than your own needs). So, her honesty wouldn't win me over in any meaningful way. But she is absolutely entitled to set her boundaries. I'm entitled to think they are shitty.

@BallsToYouSue

Meh, honesty is overrated. Sometimes honest people are also utter cunts who are honest about it, (because they don't care about anyone but themselves - it's easy to be honest when you don't give a shite about anyone other than your own needs). So, her honesty wouldn't win me over in any meaningful way. But she is absolutely entitled to set her boundaries. I'm entitled to think they are shitty.

But at least I'm honest about it eh 😂?

But, as I said up thread, the op suggesting the visit does put a certain spin on things. I mentioned a friend early in the thread who "hates babies". I never once would even have considered exposing my dc to anyone who hates her because she is a baby. I wouldn't have anything to do with such a person, unless I had to, eg at work, where I would privately be thinking "what a cunt" while I nodded and smiled at them.

Work is a prime example of a place where brutal honesty isn't a good idea. So people shouldn't say "I hate babies" at work, for example. I wouldn't say "what a cunt" even though I was thinking it. So in some circumstances, like at work, or when someone is expecting a baby, brutal honesty is not anything to be proud of. "Oh your baby is REALLY ugly madam". You see? It might be honest, but it is not a good thing.

It would have been better if the friend has texted, “A visit? Oh dear, no spare room I’m afraid and I am in the process of getting a pitbull and a Rottweiler...”. But at least now the OP knows what’s what. Disappointing to lose a friend, but people’s lives move in different directions and you sometimes sadly have to accept that.

Your friend is meant to be there for you. Your stuff gets shared. She doesn’t want to listen or be involved in your experiences which isn’t what a friend does.

@TSBelliot

Your friend is meant to be there for you. Your stuff gets shared. She doesn’t want to listen or be involved in your experiences which isn’t what a friend does.

Friends don’t have to be involved in every single experience you are going through. Plenty of friendships where one has children and the other doesn’t can still work.

I think I would feel like she only liked me as a person frozen in time, the friend she first met rather than a human being who is going to experience different life stages.

A pp suggested upthread that OP should "read the room" and should know better than to mention anything pregnancy or baby related even though she texts this woman every single day. Becoming a mother is important thing, and while it shouldn't define you as a person and become your only topic of conversation, it would be very artificial to simply act like it hasn't happened because your friend finds it boring.

Is it also acceptable to ban other topics of conversation that aren't fun to listen to. The death of a parent, a job loss, a bout of depression?