Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

Some women are like this.
My former best friend did this.
I forgave her 8 years later when she had her first child but only because I'm a mug. Pals now.

@Meowthress because...a baby's needs come first, also a mother's needs. It's basically a vulnerable stage in your life when society should try and look after mother and baby, not treat either as a wretched inconvenience.

And it's not always that simple to just leave the baby with DH. For example, if you're breastfeeding. Mother and baby often come as a pair, for practicality as well as mutual love.

I sound like an attachment parent saying that - I'm really not. And I did appreciate breaks from baby. As baby grew older, I made solo plans with friends. But it's downright offensive for a "friend" to say "you mustn't bring your screaming, vomiting baby to my house, you know I hate them". In that case, I would rather not visit her at all, with or without baby. My child is a human being.

I don't like dogs but I wouldn't say "don't being your barking, drooling beast to my house for I hate their kind". I would just say "I'm afraid I'm not a dog person, so perhaps we can meet outdoors if you have Rover with you".

@grapewine fair enough.

I was just curious if it would feel the same for other groups of people.

She can’t police your life. Expecting you to visit without child around at all?? Either something awful has happened and she just can’t be around kids, or, she’s really just not a very nice person.

I'm the same with dogs, they are not my favourite animals and I find them slobbery and bitey and smelly and definitely don't want to have one in my own life, but I don't say this to friends with dogs, I love seeing pictures of their dogs or when they get a puppy, I am happy to go for outside walks with dogs, I wouldn't even mind a short visit. Over the years, I've learned that if I want to have good friends, then some of them have dogs they love and we have to find ways to all get along. Even more, occasionally I've become quite fond of them now, as by being around them, I've increased my confidence and relax more.

If the best friend has another reason that she is so intransigent about it all, like she's had miscarriages, then she would have to be honest for the relationship to survive, surely. It's fine to say I don't want to talk babies right now, sorry about that, the fault is mine, I just can't, but not to make disgust noises at the thought of a little one.

@marvinscarpark

She's not training you, she's living the life that she has chosen and that's not one which involves babies. If she's got her house all furnished and set up for a child free existence then having a baby in the house who is potentially going to be sick and so on then she's not going to want it.

We had a lovely cream carpet in the spare room which had been newly fitted by the previous owners so we kept it, it was far better than any we would buy. We had some visitors with a baby and they put a baby food jar in the bedroom bin but hadn't emptied it properly or put the lid back on. When they left a week later we found that the carpet was mouldy where they had spilt some of the food when they put it in the bin. That was the last time we had people with children over to stay.

That's just selfish people, nothing to do with having children. What kind of person puts food or dirty food containers in a bedroom bin or doesn't rinse a jar for recycling? A bedroom bin is for tissues, paper, clean food wrappers like a chocolate wrapper, things like that.

This sounds strange to me. I'm in more or less a similar situation. My best friend lives in another country and has no kids, I have 3! She doesn't seem very interested by kids atm, that's perfectly fine.

However not wanting kids to come visit at all is strange were you talking about staying over at her place? That may be too much...... I would have definitely stay somewhere else but expect to visit her house for dinner/wtv with the kids

It’s a really interesting thread with good responses. It shows child free is a bit of a spectrum from those who desperately want children but can’t, those who don’t want kids but are happy and welcoming around kids (most laid back), those who want a child free life I.e child free home and social interactions (the OP’s friend seems to fit this) and those who actively dislike children and vocalise it in almost an attacking manner (some disturbing examples on this thread). Tbh I can see the attraction of a child free life, although I wouldn’t choose it, and from the post it seems she is consistent and hasn’t changed, the OP is the one who has changed the dynamic and requirements of the friendship via a choice to have children. It is the OP’s choice what to do about it but if you can come around to that way of thinking I wouldn’t be quick to throw away an otherwise supportive and consistent friendship (they’re hard to find).

@MessAllOver I disagree, it doesn't mean don't visit, it means if you want to visit, don't bring the kid 🤷‍♀️ I go on holiday every year with a group of girlfriends.. they all leave the kids at home and enjoy the break.. some come for a full week, some come for a long weekend depending on how long they want to leave the kids at home for.

@AIMD being growing old or disabled isn't a lifestyle choice.

I’d back off op, it’s upsetting you already and you need to protect your feelings as you get further along and more emotionally vulnerable. You say you feel upset now but imagine when your baby is here and you adore it and are in full on Mother Bear mode and then she says something dismissive or rejecting of your baby. She will end up receiving both barrels and as your friend if she can’t bring herself to be supportive, she could at least be nice -this is a huge, life changing occurrence for someone she claims to care about and it’s only natural you want to talk about it sometimes!

[quote Nesski]@AIMD being growing old or disabled isn't a lifestyle choice.[/quote]
Being a baby isn't a lifestyle choice.

@anotherlongwalk. Telling someone with a tiny breastfed baby that, if they want to visit, they need to leave the baby at home and can't even have it in an Airbnb nearby is essentially saying don't visit.

She sounds a bit odd but she doesn't have to like babies or kids.

It's perfectly possible to be friends with people as adults without your children being involved.

You are also perfectly entitled to move on from the friendship if that's not going to work for you.

I'm childfree by choice and find some aspects of babies a little nauseating - the idea of nappies, for example - and I can't watch anyone (adult or child) drinking milk. I would never ban babies from my house, though - we were all babies once!

We were all babies once, as you say.

@TatianaBis - that's what I meant. Babies are the start point of life, the basis, not the horizon or the limit of ambition. It's not about me being a mum (am I even a mum? Why do people choose their anonymous usernames, do you think?) It's that once I was vulnerable and later in life I shall be vulnerable again.

And that's why I don't trust someone who dislikes babies, @Eckhart. I don't trust people who dislike the vulnerable.

[quote Nesski]@AIMD being growing old or disabled isn't a lifestyle choice.[/quote]
Being a baby isn’t a life style choice.
It’s a state we all started in.

@Sugarandteaandmum

I agree. I don’t have any qualms with people who don’t want babies or don’t enjoy caring for babies etc. I can actually really understand that because babies are messy and hard work.

but I don’t like people who say they “hate” babies or “dislike” babies. Babies are people in their own right so to dislike them for something beyond their control seems odd.

I’d find it as odd as someone saying I hate old people or dislike old people.

.

@Newmumsummer2021

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

Mmmm.

I suspect more has gone on in her life than you know.

Are you sure that she's really child free through choice?
It may be that she actually can't have children and finds it hard being around babies. If it is that she genuinely hates children, she's being too harsh. The baby is a part of you.

It’s one thing to not like kids, quite another to completely outlaw them

I agree. The OP’s friend sounds very odd.

I have a friend who’s not into kids; he and his wife are child free by choice. He came to see me when I had DD - had a perfunctory glance at her and chatted away to me as usual. He and his wife are always pleasant to, if not hugely engaged with, our kids. But they wouldn’t dream of refusing to have them in their house! I wonder if there are deeper seated issues here (as a pp has alluded to); certainly seems very odd.

@SecretSpAD

So you've never bothered visiting her before and when you do mention visiting her (and implying that you expect to stay with her?), she reminds you that she doesn't want children in her house and you get in a strop? COme on. It should have been no surprise to you that someone who doesn't like or want children would not have a child/baby friendly house or want children around her. I can't see what she's done wrong - but hey, you've posted here where you are likely to get more of an echo chamber, than the part of the site where you will be told the truth - that you are totally unreasonable!

You haven't read all the OP's posts. It's not just that the friend doesn't want the baby in the house. She doesn't even want OP to bring the baby on the trip and have someone else look after it while OP visits!

The OP posted
...what I was suggesting to her was that I visit, stay somewhere else, and find childcare even so we could do things without the baby.

But apparently that wasn't okay or acceptable for her and I was to have the baby not around at all, period. Which as we want more kids + breastfeeding means I'd not be visiting for at least 6 years.

A friend of my mum's who had 2 kids, wouldn't deal with babies as a GM at all. She just cba.

She has a beautiful loft apartment, expensive art, antiques, a library, designer furniture.

Didn't want babies 'mewling and puking' all over the place. Just didn't like'em.

Her life, her choice.

I like a night out or a weekend away without kids. However all my friends know my kids well. The ban from bringing a baby over the threshold seems over the top. Reactionary. There’s got to be more to it.