Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

In all honesty, I don't think your friendship will survive.
And no matter how she feels about having her own children, this is part of YOUR life experience, and a true friend would accept it just because you ARE friends.

She's not doing that - she's rejecting every part of your pregnancy and your baby when it arrives - that's not what being a friend is about.

I had a friend who did similar - I was only the second in a group of friends to have a baby, and he was a difficult feeder, as well as being very clingy. This friend was huffy with me because I didn't want her dog to come into the house we were both visiting while the baby was feeding, as it was a very jumpy dog and I didn't fancy trying to fend it off while feeding. She resented the baby being prioritised over her dog (remember, NOT her house in this instance).

Anyway, that friendship is gone now. And in all honesty, it's fine. If people can't accept a major part of your life, and expect you to ignore it or gloss over it while you're with them, then that generally makes it too much like hard work to continue to be friends with them.

I cannot imagine a scenario which a friendship could not survive a close friend not liking babies!

Either way I think the friendship is over as she obviously won't come and visit you because it would involve meeting the baby

So you've never bothered visiting her before and when you do mention visiting her (and implying that you expect to stay with her?), she reminds you that she doesn't want children in her house and you get in a strop? COme on. It should have been no surprise to you that someone who doesn't like or want children would not have a child/baby friendly house or want children around her. I can't see what she's done wrong - but hey, you've posted here where you are likely to get more of an echo chamber, than the part of the site where you will be told the truth - that you are totally unreasonable!

@TatianaBis

I cannot imagine a scenario which a friendship could not survive a close friend not liking babies!

I have plenty of friends who don't have children and are not baby people. They interact with and tolerate my dcs, and I think they genuinely care about them, but I know they aren't Mary Poppins and we are all a bit more comfortable when the dcs have gone to bed etc.

I only had one friend who actively DISliked / hated babies. The one I mentioned up thread. There is an enormous difference between the two and when I saw who she really was, there was no friendship. I honestly don't give a shit about her at all, to the point where if I heard she had died today I'd say "oh what a shame", feel really sorry for her husband and family, and that would be that. The same as I'd feel if any passing acquaintance died tomorrow.

So, yes, there are occasions when someone's vehement dislike of babies and children will end a friendship. Any grown woman (or man, but this was a woman), who mocks and picks on little children to entertain themselves or to make up for something they are lacking, is no friend of mine.

Different to someone just not really enjoying spending time with babies, which is obviously fine and up to them.

@TatianaBis

I cannot imagine a scenario which a friendship could not survive a close friend not liking babies!

Not liking babies isn’t really the issue though is it. A friendship can survive someone not particularly liking babies. What it can’t survive is someone being unwilling at all to work around a friend having a baby (eg them visiting but staying somewhere else and getting childcare) and showing no interest or care about something massive that happened in their friends life (by not asking about the pregnancy at all).

My best friend cut me off completely when I told her I was pregnant. I haven't heard from her in a year despite being her bridesmaid the last time I saw her. It's horrible but at some point you have to make the decision for yourself about what is acceptable and what isn't. I chose to close the door and stop trying to get her to talk to me. If your friend wants you to pretend a huge part of your life doesn't exist then I would say they aren't a friend.

Tbh she has already set her boundaries, which are clear. As an example, I don't always bring my husband to dinners with friends because it's not the same 'vibe'. Would you be offended if your children weren't invited to her wedding for example? She wants your undivided attention and if you don't want to give her that then you made that choice.

WTF... of course babies aren't always screaming or vomiting! Either she's very rude and knows nothing about babies, and/or she has deeper issues and her defences are up (e.g. hidden infertility). I mean, she's being rude either way.

This is the silliest thing I ever heard. Childfree house, no child to ever enter! Leave her to it. My childfree friends are lovely, appropriately interested in my kids, love time without the children around, but also happy if we call past with kids in tow. As for interruptions, kind of par for the course.

Even if you managed to get to hers without child, she wouldn't want to talk about the child either, so you'd be missing out a huge chunk of your life.

She's childfree, that's her thing now and unfortunately you don't fit in.

I had one friend like this, she just couldn't cope and used to look away if I mentioned my child, I just had to let it go because I couldn't pretend I didn't have one or indeed have 4 hour conversations in which they never cropped up (I don't and didn't talk babies all the time, but it's a huge part of your life to deny).

Weird!

She is entitled to not like or want babies and children, if that is the whole story. However, her reaction is so strong that I can't help feeling that there could well be much more to it. It is almost a paranoia, or a phobia! She sounds as though she would rather you didn't even bring the baby into the country, and in that she is being totally batshit and unreasonable.

You certainly need to cool the friendship. Very possibly permanently. You are no longer compatible.

I am not keen on babies or toddlers, though I loved and coped with my own three who are now all grown up. Until grandchildren come along I don't have any particular interest in babies anymore, but I would never be so unwelcoming if a friend of me or of my DD's came to visit for a couple of hours and needed to have their own child in tow. They would be looking after the child and I would take a polite interest. All fine by me.

This isn't normal behaviour, so it is time to back away. Stop the daily messaging. Reduce it to just occasional. If she asks why then tell her truthfully why - i.e. she seems to be wanting you to pretend that a now extremely important part of your life simply doesn't exist.

Funny how so many people would normally go "your house, your rules" - but not here. Does this only apply to parents, then? The friend has strong boundaries. It doesn't make her evil or unhinged. If this was the case, would OP have been friends with her to the point of calling her 'best friend?'

She sounds strange. Not wanting to have children of her own is understandable, by there's no need to be insulting and refuse to allow the baby of a friend to visit.

It does seem like maintaining a friendship with her will be challenging, and I doubt I'd bother. Maybe keep her as a texting or chatting on the phone friend, if you're happy with that, but I wouldn't bend over backwards to meet up with her when she's being so rude about your baby!

Another possible explanation, I have known women who have had a very upsetting experience with termination of pregnancy in the past who have avoided all babies/children/pregnant women for fear of flashbacks, panic attacks, overwhelming emotions etc which they do not want to experience or to have to explain to anyone who may witness their response.

Sometimes friendships do not survive major changes in life circumstances. This sounds like one of those.

(I have a number of child-free friends, some who simply didn't want children but will politely go through the motions with other people's, some who find children boring and baffling and would rather not spend time in their company if it was avoidable - but none of them would be as rude as your friend has been).

Funny how so many people would normally go "your house, your rules" - but not here. Does this only apply to parents, then? The friend has strong boundaries. It doesn't make her evil or unhinged it's pretty out there, to be honest. If the friend was interested in the pregnancy, happy to be supportive and come over to the OP's house, then it wouldn't be an issue if she didn't want a baby in her personal house. She doesn't want any mention of babies, can't tolerate them if they were sick or crying (so that rules out meeting in public I guess as babies might do that) and doesn't want them around her at all.

It's not evil, but it's on the extreme end of behaviour around children and very atypical of how most people treat babies which is they might not be keen on them particularly (or they might) but they accept babies and children are part of wider society, part of their friends lives and that having friends might involve listening to stories about the other significant people. I listen all the time right now to my friends whinge about their parents, as we are of that age they often need care, I don't send curt texts, change the subject nor would I expect them not to call in if their parent came to stay.

Funny how so many people would normally go "your house, your rules" - but not here.

Oh, no, it is her house and her rules, but we are all perfectly entitled to think that we would not wish to be friends with someone with those rules and would struggle to continue a friendship with someone so self absorbed as to wish to eliminate all mention of babies from her life. I certainly wouldn't want to put myself out to spend time with her- and spending time with her would necessitate putting yourself out if you have a young baby and she can't even tolerate being in the same house as one!

It may seem like a big thing now but with time it will get smaller. Once you have baby you will be going to baby and toddler classes and mixing with others in the same boat. Once they start school you will mix with school mums. You have so many fruitful friendships ahead of you. Your whole world will revolve around your child you just won't have time for situations like this. An odd catch up call here and there maybe.

There's also a big difference between saying 'my house isn't very baby friendly, how about we meet at yours' and going on about how repulsive babies are when your friend is pregnant, that's actually very offensive.

But just to play devil's advocate, why would you want to take your baby to the home of someone that doesn't like babies? Wouldn't it be a better idea to stay in an Airbnb and leave the baby with DH while you pop in to see your friend?

There are about 10 couples in my group of friends, most of which do not want/do not like babies or children.

I don't have children, never wanted them, but I'm happy to politely nod and smile at friends children for an afternoon.

The couples with babies see each other with the babies.

If the couples who don't like babies organise something socially then the people with babies tend to get babysitters - it's usually a restaurant meal or evening in the pub or something.

But the couples with children don't actively choose to take their kids to visit the friends that don't like kids. Why would you?

@grapewine

Funny how so many people would normally go "your house, your rules" - but not here. Does this only apply to parents, then? The friend has strong boundaries. It doesn't make her evil or unhinged. If this was the case, would OP have been friends with her to the point of calling her 'best friend?'

Out of interest would you feel the same if the content of the op was the same but instead of the baby it was an elderly relative or disabled relative?

Interested really if that would be considered someone just having boundaries too?

Babies are just little people. I wouldn't be friends with anyone that would treat a person like that.

Oh, no, it is her house and her rules, but we are all perfectly entitled to think that we would not wish to be friends with someone with those rules and would struggle to continue a friendship with someone so self absorbed as to wish to eliminate all mention of babies from her life.

This. One of my best friends pre-DC has a lovely flat with everything white and sparkly and glass. I completely understand that she doesn't want my DC there though she has half-heartedly offered a few times, which is kind of her...I don't particularly want to take DC there. It would be far too stressful!!! But we still meet frequently and, although I try to meet her without my DC as she's not keen on children, she still asks after DC occasionally and sends the occasional present. I'd find it very odd if she refused to acknowledge that I have a child...it would be a bit like me not mentioning her job or her partner or something important in her life.

I mean, how can you really answer the question "So what have you been doing lately?" without referring to your baby if, actually, that's a large part of what you've been doing (which is especially the case in the early baby days)?

But the couples with children don't actively choose to take their kids to visit the friends that don't like kids. Why would you?

I wouldn't for an afternoon or evening. In fact, I prefer events with no children as it means I get a break and to be me again, not mummy. But if the visit is meant to be for a week or a long weekend in another country, the children often need to come as part of the package. So 'don't bring the kids' really means 'don't visit' (which is fine too, but why not just say so from the outset?).

Out of interest would you feel the same if the content of the op was the same but instead of the baby it was an elderly relative or disabled relative?

I'm going on what's in the OP. And nowhere in any of my comments have I said that I agree with the friend. I just think it's interesting how some boundaries are OK - "your house, your rules" is very often used on here - but not others. At least the friend has said so upfront and OP will make her decisions about the friendship based on what is acceptable to her.