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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
Wrigleys123 · 09/11/2020 17:52

It sounds like you want to keep the baby, I wouldn't terminate for him as you say you might end up resenting him. To see it from his side he did make it clear that he didn't want anymore children so you can see where he's coming from. I guess the best you can do is keep it and hope he comes around, if not then go it alone!

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 09/11/2020 17:53

I guess you have to decide whether you’re happy to go it alone or not?
It sounds like either way your relationship is over, it would be for me too and that’s exactly the position I’m in. Single and 8 weeks pregnant - now I know I’m doing it alone it actually feels far easier and less stressful. Flowers

addictedtotheflats · 09/11/2020 17:53

Having had a child myself and remembering being 10 weeks pregnant I couldnt have gone through with a termination that far along, partner in agreement or not. As you feel connected already I dont think tour relationship would survive anyway if you got rid of it due to regret and resentment. Such a difficult situation to be in, hope you can work something out Thanks

mumandcub · 09/11/2020 17:53

Go it alone if you really have to and he won’t support you or the baby. A baby is so precious and a blessing, you’d kick yourself if you terminate and you’re already attached to them.

FelicityPike · 09/11/2020 17:54

I’m sorry but this relationship is over no matter your decision.
You will resent him if you terminate and he’ll resent you if you keep the baby.

wizzbangfizz · 09/11/2020 17:56

He made his bottom line clear - but I do not understand why men like this do not have vasectomies - no contraception is 100 and if you are sleeping with a woman of childbearing age the chance is always there!

You sound like you very much want this baby and I think the sooner you tell him and you both decide on a way forward the better.

Respectabitch · 09/11/2020 17:56

Only you can make this decision... But sad to say, your relationship is probably over either way. And tbh, since you do want kids by the sound of it, this day was always coming. It's just arrived sooner than you expected.

He's been clear with you, and it is prerogative to not want another child (although he should probably have got a vasectomy if he felt so strongly). Bottom line, even if you weren't already pregnant, the two of you want different, incompatible things, don't you? You want children and he doesn't, so you will have to go your separate ways.

I think your choices are to terminate and look for someone you can have a child with in a stable committed relationship, or have the baby as a single mother. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

PotteringAlong · 09/11/2020 17:56

I agree with @FelicityPike. Your relationship has finished either which way so take that out of the equation. The only question here is if you want to keep the baby or not.

AllsortsofAwkward · 09/11/2020 17:57

You must be far gone if you can hear the heart beat and feel it moving. Having a termination at that stage would likely be traumatic especially if you feel like you wish to proceed with the pregnancy.

Doyoumind · 09/11/2020 17:57

As you say, the outcome will be the end of the relationship whatever. If you want the baby then keep it. It took two people to get you pregnant but you would be the one with the lasting damage if you terminated against your will. It may seem unfair on him but even though he doesn't want it he'll legally have to pay towards it.

EKGEMS · 09/11/2020 17:58

@wizzbangfizz Agree 100% very well put

GarlicSoup · 09/11/2020 17:58

Keep the baby.
If your partner was so determined not to have any more children he should have had a vasectomy.

Trousersareoverrated · 09/11/2020 17:58

He doesn’t love you if he is prepared to let you go through this alone. He’s blackmailing you into aborting your baby - you will be devastated and resent him for the rest of your life if you do so.

If it was me, I would keep the baby and tell him that he can choose his level of involvement but It must be consistent and you won’t be staying in a relationship with him after this behaviour.

PatchworkElmer · 09/11/2020 17:59

I think that your relationship is over regardless. So take that out of the equation for now- if you want the baby, keep it.

Trousersareoverrated · 09/11/2020 18:00

Yes to the poster who mentioned a vasectomy. My DH is getting one when we have our last child. Why leave contraception up to you if he’s so adamant he doesn’t want children?

FelicityPike · 09/11/2020 18:00

@GarlicSoup

Keep the baby. If your partner was so determined not to have any more children he should have had a vasectomy.
Exactly!
Viviennemary · 09/11/2020 18:02

Nobody should force a woman to have a termination she doesn't want. He should man up and face his responsibilities. I agree if he was so adamant he wanted no more children he should have had a vasectomy. Don't be bullied by this selfish man.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/11/2020 18:04

If you terminate this pregnancy you may regret it and you won't be able to forgive him. You say you want children, he doesn't so was it ever really going to work?

Flittingaboutagain · 09/11/2020 18:05

As someone who lost my baby and laboured after you, if you do decide to go through with a termination it isn't a baby yet (size, genetics and appearance) it is growing into a baby and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I echo other posters you need to do what's right for you here. If you would like to be a single mum more than a married stepmum, maybe you should go ahead? Supportive friends and family could get you through the hard times.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 09/11/2020 18:05

I would keep the baby OP. You clearly want it and either way your relationship is through (you terminate but resent him forever and feel anger and sadness towards him, or you dont terminate and he wants to split).

Side point and nothing to do with main answer - uyou definitely cant feel the baby move at 12 weeks! Might just be gas. You can typically feel it from 20 weeks.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/11/2020 18:12

It sounds like you wanted to be pregnant, are happy to be pregnant, and were hoping he would come around to the idea. He has always been clear that he doesn't want more children, and he believed you were on board with that.

I actually think he is entitled to speak up now and say no, I don't want this and I will not be playing happy families. Yes, he should have got a vasectomy, but I'm guessing you never wanted him to do that and wouldn't have supported it.

Having said all that, if you decide to go ahead and have the baby he is not entitled to wriggle out of his share of the parenting and financial support. Just think about what you want - if being a mother is important for you he wasn't the right one for you anyway, and you can totally do this without him.

GoJoe2020 · 09/11/2020 18:15

Nobody should force a woman to have a termination she doesn't want. He should man up and face his responsibilities

To be fair, he's not forcing her to do anything, and he's been nothing but truthful. He has always said he does not want another child., and he's saying the same thing now. He's told her she can terminate and stay together, or have the baby and he won't be involved.

He will have financial responsibilites, but nothing else. Both sides are free to decide whether they want to be active parents.

I'm a million miles from any kind of fathers rights activist, but lets be fair on both sides. OP does not have to involve him on her choice, it is entirely hers. But just as she can't be forced into having a termination, neither can he be forced to parent a child he doesn't want.

KyraGoose · 09/11/2020 18:16

In the long run, i think you'll regret a termination. I doubt you'll regret keeping it.

Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 09/11/2020 18:16

Keep your baby, you will meet someone else. I feel it was a huge mistake on your part getting with someone at such a young age and staying with him for this long, knowing he didnt want children and you possibly did. Either way, these things happen, and this will be a real test of if you love him more than your own happiness. I think he sounds quite selfish, if he didnt want a baby he should have got a vasectomy.

Being a single parent, you still have opportunities to meet other men and grew a new garden.

Even if he doesnt want to be involved, he will surely have to make some kind of financial contribution

Also agree that at 10 weeks you can't feel the baby move.

rottiemum88 · 09/11/2020 18:18

*To be fair, he's not forcing her to do anything, and he's been nothing but truthful. He has always said he does not want another child., and he's saying the same thing now. He's told her she can terminate and stay together, or have the baby and he won't be involved.

He will have financial responsibilites, but nothing else. Both sides are free to decide whether they want to be active parents.

I'm a million miles from any kind of fathers rights activist, but lets be fair on both sides. OP does not have to involve him on her choice, it is entirely hers. But just as she can't be forced into having a termination, neither can he be forced to parent a child he doesn't want*

This

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