Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 20:47

Not that it has anything to do with my current situation, I just want to be clear, when I met him he was separated from his wife. There was no cross over.

OP posts:
Gncq · 09/11/2020 20:48

I agree with PP, he just sees you as a bit of young "totty" that he doesn't need to get tied into a responsible family situation with.
You want a family.

You are incompatible.

Enjoy your baby, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 20:49

Sorry if I have not been clear. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago. I am now 10 weeks pregnant

OP posts:
Henrietty · 09/11/2020 20:49

Keep the baby. Your relationship is finished, either way. You’ll never forgive him if he pushes you into terminating your pregnancy, if that’s not 100% what you want. You will most definitely resent him. Even if he chooses not to be in your lives, he has a financial responsibility to his child.

Gncq · 09/11/2020 20:49

ariettasmall

I felt movement early, around 10 weeks or so. It does happen.

HappyHoppyHippo · 09/11/2020 20:50

@TJ17

Imagine you terminate and never end up having children and then end up breaking up anyway when it's too late to have them
This!! OP it sounds very much like you want to keep the baby. Let's face it, it's ok for him because he already has children.

If you do decide to terminate the pregnancy please be a 100% sure you're doing it for the right reasons, if you do it just for your partner it's not going to be something that's very easy to live with.

pincertoe · 09/11/2020 20:50

You should never have continued a relationship with a man who made it clear he didn't want more children when you deep down did. It really isn't fair to either of you.

It seems clear you want this baby and that is understandable. I suspect the life you don't want to loose will eventually go anyway as I don't see you forgiving your partner for wanting the termination. If you do I can see it making you realise you really do want children and that will most likely finish your relationship off.

I really feel for you op. You need to decide what is best for you. Single parenthood or moving on and finding a partner who wants the same as you.

Compromise works in a relationship but I don't think children is something you can successfully compromise on.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 20:51

It’s like a fluttering...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/11/2020 20:53

It would appear history is repeating itself

You knew this though, he was very clear. And he’s been very clear now. He should have had a vasectomy though.

The bottom line is you can’t force him to parent a child with you. It doesn’t work like that. He will do what he did to the last woman he got pregnant, he will walk but do what he needs to remotely. But again, you knew this. It was no secret. Why he didn’t just have a vasectomy I don’t know. He’s already had one unplanned kid, now he may have a second.

I suspect though you were secretly hoping he’d come round snd still are. And you’re thinking if you can just keep him there maybe he will change his mind

The reality is babies are very hard work and put pressure on the best of relationships. From the lack of sleep, the disruption to your life, and the physical effects of giving birth, from piles to vaginal tearing and subsequent healing, it’s hard. There is no way to pretty it up. And even the strongest relationships can be tested by it.

Throw in someone who resents the baby and it’s game over. He will just move on to the next young woman.

Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 09/11/2020 20:53

Sorry OP this sounds terrible. You really deserve better than having to beg a man to marry you. Sounds like he gave you to ring to stop you asking him to marry you.

Missmonkeypenny · 09/11/2020 20:56

You will resent him for the rest of your life if you have an abortion and stay together, OP. You need to work out if YOU want a baby, not if you should get rid of it because he doesn't. As PP have said, if he really didn't want any more children then he should have had a vasectomy.

Lineofconcepcion · 09/11/2020 20:56

@wizzbangfizz

He made his bottom line clear - but I do not understand why men like this do not have vasectomies - no contraception is 100 and if you are sleeping with a woman of childbearing age the chance is always there!

You sound like you very much want this baby and I think the sooner you tell him and you both decide on a way forward the better.

Because men won't take responsibility for their actions and it's a form of misogyny isn't it. The women always get blamed.

Op I brought up my son from age 4 on my own and providing you can juggle childcare and have family support it's much easier.

Missmonkeypenny · 09/11/2020 20:57

@belle75

It’s like a fluttering...
I felt DC2 from 10 weeks, it was indeed fluttering, like a little butterfly or goldfish.
Flutter12 · 09/11/2020 21:02

On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow.

I think this answers your own question.

But please don’t ever think that once you have the baby he might change his mind as I’ve had a couple of friends in a similar situation and their ex never changed their mind.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 09/11/2020 21:05

@ariettesmall

So you say 2 weeks ago you were 10 weeks?

But now you're saying you're 10 weeks now?

And you're already feeling movement?

Not quite buying this whole story now

@ariettesmall don’t be a dick Hmm report if you don’t believe it
Nostrings457 · 09/11/2020 21:09

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago from a lady who had a termination and regretted it, it really was a heartbreaking read.
Its one thing agreeing to be with DP when you both want different things, but now you have seen that heartbeat inside of you there is no going back. Think about what YOU want not DP - you already know where he stands

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2020 21:10

Because men won't take responsibility for their actions and it's a form of misogyny isn't it. The women always get blamed

I think there is an element of truth to this, unless condoms were being used deep down they think the woman did it on purpose. If they were on the pill they think then they did it on purpose and double down on that if she’s pleased and wants to keep it. It’s like a form of validation that she deceived him.

Right now he will do everything in his power to try to get the op to terminate, from threats to cajoling so he doesn’t have a third child, pleading he wants to be with her, but not if she has a child and giving all manner of reasons why it’s not possible, his objective being for her to terminate.

Whatever the op does though the trust has gone from him, and the resentment will grow by the day, there is no way round it sadly.

So the op needs to assume the relationship is on the green mile, it’s a dead man walking, so she needs to decide if when she’s single in the next few months does she wish to do it with a child or not.

So op, think of the logistics, where will you live? Do you own the property you’re in now? Is your name on the deeds? Do you work? You need to think of the practicalities when you make this decision also.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/11/2020 21:10

Why have you had a scan already?

Littlepaws18 · 09/11/2020 21:11

As someone who has had a termination myself, I can say its a decision you should only take in an impossible situation. My partner said he would leave, that wasn't the reason that stopped me. It was because my mother had cancer, was looking after my daughter whilst I went to work, which was a three hour round trip away. If I had the child I wouldn't have been able to provide a stable home life and my daughter would suffer and my mother would have been on her knees. It was a heartbreaking decision, I hate myself for it, I think of that child every day. Worse still I'm in a loving stable relationship now, we want a child but I'm struggling to conceive, had 3 miscarriages already this year.

You want this baby, if you can manage it, if you have the opportunity to care for it, then do it. The alternative is hell.

Feelinglost006 · 09/11/2020 21:12

Get rid of the man.. not the baby . He sounds awful . Unplanned kids and doesn’t cope with the day to day or raising them. Prick

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 21:13

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yes once the doctor confirms your pregnant you have a scan to determine the date

OP posts:
Mmn654123 · 09/11/2020 21:13

@Bluntness100

The CMS will process the claim and if he denies paternity they will request he take a test. If he refuses they will assume he’s the father and process the claim. But if he won’t be an active father why give him parental rights by adding him to the certificate? What if he decides to wake up and play daddy and demand visits and overnight stays after ignoring them through the earliest years?! No reason to put him on the certificate. Op gains nothing.

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2020 21:15

He’s actively involved in his other kids lives

It’s not really about the op it’s about the child knowing who their father is and having him named,

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/11/2020 21:17

[quote belle75]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yes once the doctor confirms your pregnant you have a scan to determine the date[/quote]
I'm now on my third pregnancy and have never had a scan before the date the assume you are 12 weeks.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/11/2020 21:18

I've also never had a pregnancy confirmed by a doctor or nurse, they just toom my word for it.