Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
Billynomates33 · 09/11/2020 19:56

Keep the baby and enjoy your lives together, it might make life logistically harder but the joy they'll give you will be enough.

Kids always come before men even if they are only 10 weeks along.

AnneElliott · 09/11/2020 20:00

I agree with everyone else- keep the baby if you want to.

Don't terminate for him - you will resent him. And often these men walk off when you're too old to have a baby a d get another woman pregnant in 10 minutes! I know of several women that has happened to.

TwylaSands · 09/11/2020 20:02

He got you pregnant, then told you that if you went through with the pregnancy he would leave you.

He is not a good man. I bet youd be single in sixth months anyway, now youve seen this.

Assume you will be single anyway.

Standrewsschool · 09/11/2020 20:03

You always wanted children and now is your chance. You’re also 33. It’s could be now or never, and by the sound of it, you already love this baby.

Do what’s right for you. If that means going it alone, then so be it. Don’t be surprised if he walks out, his first children were only one and two when he left them. Don’t let this deter you.

I can’t quite believe you have been together for 11 years and have only just got engaged. Why the delay?

From what you write, you will definitely regret a termination.

Nackajory · 09/11/2020 20:04

Strip out the emotion? You're pregnant ffs, it's the most emotional time of your life. He should be supporting you not putting conditions on you. Previous posters are right, if he was that sure he should have had a vasectomy.
My ex asked me if I wanted to keep our second. I did of course but the relationship didn't survive. I resented him for even thinking about terminating. Funny now he acts the big man with his youngest but I have never forgotten that conversation. I'm generally a forgiving person, what's done is done etc but certainly not with this issue.
You need some space to think, which is pretty impossible at the moment.
You're definitely right that the shape of your hallway isn't a reason not to become a parent. Please think carefully and do what YOU think is right for YOU and your baby, not for this man who can't face reality, no matter what you feel about him.

Dopeyduck · 09/11/2020 20:05

I think you know you want to keep this baby. Im sorry you will lose so much to do so but you’ll be just fine on your own. This much wanted (although unexpected) child will bring you joy far beyond the hurt you feel now.

There will be hard times ahead, with or without your DP. Being a mother is like nothing else.

No point worrying about the what ifs and should haves regarding vasectomy etc. It is what it is now and if you want this baby then surround yourself with friends and family and go it alone, you’ll be fine.

picosandsancerre · 09/11/2020 20:12

I am surprised you were so accepting of staying with him when he made clear he wanted no more DC. I understand you got together when you were only 22 but after 11yrs he hasn’t changed his mind. So if you do terminate do you think you will stay with him? As it sounds to me your wanting DC and if you have this one your likely going to be on your own. So either way it doesn’t bode well for your future . Tough time for you a first pregnancy with your long term partner should be filled with joy. Not him telling you to remove emotions and terminate.

Sertchgi123 · 09/11/2020 20:15

@AllsortsofAwkward

You must be far gone if you can hear the heart beat and feel it moving. Having a termination at that stage would likely be traumatic especially if you feel like you wish to proceed with the pregnancy.
I was thinking this ^

How many weeks are you?

Rockpapershoot · 09/11/2020 20:19

He sounds like someone you really don't have to worry about missing....what a prize pig! Strip out the emotion? Threatening to abandon you and the baby? He's "particular" and doesn't like mess. How has he coped with having two kids? Have your baby OP but get out before you get even more heavily pregnant. Figure out finances and whatever other support you have. When your baby is older it will honestly be easier to find a decent man without this asshat in tow as the EOW Dad. He's not a good dad op if he's willing for his current kids to lose their stepmother and their half sibling. Does he not see the huge loss for his existing kids? What will the story to them be? I don't like kids and the pushchair wouldn't fit so your stepmother and sibling have disappeared.

Lorw · 09/11/2020 20:20

Just leave and keep your baby. Afterall if he really didn’t want children he would have got a vasectomy - he can’t go on like that since you took precautions.

He will have to financially support the child so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 20:23

Very devoted to them. As have I...

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 09/11/2020 20:23

The relationship is over so decide if you want to be a single parent and go it alone.

However you definitely cannot feel the baby move at 10 weeks, nor hear the heartbeat.

emma911030 · 09/11/2020 20:25

@Elvesinquarantine just because they've only recently engaged it means nothing. My auntie and uncle were together 12/13 years before they got engaged, my auntie wasn't fussed about marriage not just to my uncle but in general, but in the end she decided to finally say yes and get married. Time scales don't mean anything.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 20:25

10 weeks. I’ve not heard the heart beat just seen it on the scan. The movement is like a fluttering in my stomach

OP posts:
TJ17 · 09/11/2020 20:26

Imagine you terminate and never end up having children and then end up breaking up anyway when it's too late to have them

NotStayingIn · 09/11/2020 20:27

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really think if you want the baby, don't have a termination. You are in such different stages of your lives, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. Like others, I fear that you will never be able to move beyond this, regardless of what you decide to do, so do what is right for you.

Could you maybe get some private counselling via zoom or something to talk it through some more and help you get your head around it? You need to do what's right for you but I appreciate that's actually quite hard to work out sometimes!

Daisymaze · 09/11/2020 20:29

It's over either way, you will likely grow resentful of him for forcing a termination when you don't want one if you were to stay with him.

rainbowbaby2021 · 09/11/2020 20:32

@belle75

10 weeks. I’ve not heard the heart beat just seen it on the scan. The movement is like a fluttering in my stomach
Sorry to hear of this heartache.

If you are in the UK (don't flame me!) the benefits system would help you out for being a single mother so don't let being self employed put you off. You can still take a break and return after, I did after my asshole ex left me on my
Ass! And the baby was planned as well so just goes to show how cruel they can be!

Keep the baby and leave him! You can do this

Mmn654123 · 09/11/2020 20:33

He chose not to have a vasectomy so he can hardly think a pregnancy is a shock outcome of having sex. He doesn’t get to decide whether you continue the pregnancy - the time for his choice has passed and he made that choice by having sex without a vasectomy.

Yes it’s a scary prospect to go it alone. But you can do it.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Do claim child maintenance. You would resent him if you give up this baby for him so the relationship is already over. Grieve for what you had with him and then prepare for what is to come next - what a wonderful adventure lies ahead!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 09/11/2020 20:36

Keep the baby, ditch the selfish twat.

Life will be different, but holding your baby will be the best thing ever & none of the other things even come close.

TwylaSands · 09/11/2020 20:36

Youve been together 11 years and you only got engaged last month? What changed recently to prompt that?

Just realised you said you've been together 11 years and he has a 12 year old. Did he leave his ex with a newborn?

Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 09/11/2020 20:43

I also don't think hw has any intentions of really getting married. How long has you been engaged? 11 years is a long time to be with someone and not be married if thats important. Do you think maybe he just proposed to keep you there in the hope of marriage?

Given that he left his 2 young children when he got with you, he could well do the same to you when you have your baby and find another young 20 something year old and spout the same crap he did with you.

I honestly think you should dump him! Have you baby and find happiness elsewhere

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 20:44

I’ve been asking him if we can get married for years... I guess he finally felt ready to commit. Turns out his commitment comes with conditions. Yes, he left his ex wife with a 2 year old and a newborn. The 2nd was unplanned and the pressure it put on the relationship was too much to bare. He has always paid child maintenance and been actively involved in their upbringing (as have I) but he couldn’t deal with the days to day pressures of a young family. It would appear history is repeating itself.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/11/2020 20:45

@Mmn654123

He chose not to have a vasectomy so he can hardly think a pregnancy is a shock outcome of having sex. He doesn’t get to decide whether you continue the pregnancy - the time for his choice has passed and he made that choice by having sex without a vasectomy.

Yes it’s a scary prospect to go it alone. But you can do it.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Do claim child maintenance. You would resent him if you give up this baby for him so the relationship is already over. Grieve for what you had with him and then prepare for what is to come next - what a wonderful adventure lies ahead!

I don’t think you can claim child maintenance if you don’t have him on the birth certificate, not with out some legal hassle. You need to prove he’s the father with dna tests.
whoareyouIwonder · 09/11/2020 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread