My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

[belle75]

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

0808 802 0925 Contact Gingerbread and talk to someone confidentially

@midsummabreak yes definitely agree some kind of therapy would help support them through this.

Sending you a big hug 🤗

No one is advocating forced vasectomies but if he never wants to have children and be in this situation then it just makes sense for everyone. Why risk it? No contraception is 100%.

And vasectomies are not 100% risk free.

We have to go to acknowledge the simple fact that bodily autonomy is for everyone. Telling a man he has to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want more kids is just as bad as telling a woman she shouldnt be having sex if she doesn't want to risk a pregnancy.

Everyone can choose for themselves what they want to do. OP chose to stay with this man, without him having had a vasectomy, when he's been nothing but clear that he was not ever going to parent another child. She made her choice, and now she has another one to make. He's already made his, and he has the same rights to do so as she does.

I beg to differ, he made a choice to refuse to have a vasectomy and he chose to have sex with a fertile woman.

He chose to risk pregnancy as much as she did so he has equal responsibility for their child that he equally created
He may not wish to parent a child but his wish was not followed through with Taking responsible precautions.

He also chose to force his expectations on his younger partner to magically have no feelings for the child that she is carrying. That is endgame for him since he has no right to force his partner to choose what he wants to do with her body.
Op if you wish to consider abortion, that is your right to choose. Equally if you wish to keep the baby keep it. He should be supporting whatever you decide

Pack his bags and tell him to piss off. He is choosing to break up the relationship. Say goodbye and change the locks.

I beg to differ, he made a choice to refuse to have a vasectomy and he chose to have sex with a fertile woman.He chose to risk pregnancy as much as she did so he has equal responsibility for their child that he equally created

And she had a choice to shag him! He has financial responsibility, thats all.

He also chose to force his expectations on his younger partner to magically have no feelings for the child that she is carrying. That is endgame for him since he has no right to force his partner to choose what he wants to do with her body

He's not forcing anything her. She can do as she likes. As can he. You really need to get that.

False. He is telling her to have an abortion. He doesn’t get to choose
They both had consented to sex and they are equally responsible for the baby, as parents not just financially. Responsibility doesn’t stop after ejaculation
You really need to get that.

I agree with everyone else - your body your choice.

If you don’t want a termination of pregnancy then you need to tell him now so you can sort out things like the house.

Can you buy him out and stay ? Will your family help you out practically and financially if needed ? Can you get extra hours at work now to save up a but so you can take some maternity leave ?

What are your childcare plans for when you return to work ? Remember he will have to pay CMS at minimum and most decent men pay more.

At least your step children will be able to come and visit you and see their baby sibling . At 12 and 14 they are old enough to do this on their own.

Do his children know why he walked out on their mum? If so they will not be surprised that he’s abandoned you and his third child. I’d imagine they are old enough to have their own opinions about his behaviour.

It’s quite a pattern for him, isn’t it? I think you need to prepare yourself that he might take up with another 20 something very soon.

Might take up with another 20-something very soon
Maybe but 20-something women have got much better options than old guys with multiple ex's and dependent children!

@HeddaGarbled

If he was sure he didn’t want any more children, he had no business taking up with a 22 year old. He could quite easily have chosen a woman at the same age and stage as himself, but these type of men want the hot younger girlfriend without the inconvenience of a baby. Even Donald Trump and Boris Johnson accepted that their trophy wives would want a child.

What a stupid post. He told her he didn't want any more children.

Also he may well have met a younger woman (or a woman of any age) who did not want children. They are many of them around.

He already has 2 children. Why would he want any more?

Also who made her stay with him especially as she knew he didn't want more children and she presumably did want them

False. He is telling her to have an abortion. He doesn’t get to choose

He literally didn't. He said it was her choice but he wouldn't be involved if she chose to have the baby. He can make that choice.

I am totally pro-choice. The woman's, not the man's. Do what you want and need to do regarding the baby, separate to his decision.

i never wanted children if my dh who already had 2 forced me that would be abuse

if i had changed my mind i wojuld have to speak to him and make a joint decision-things do happen by accident but you still cant force someone to want a baby

He literally didn’t. He said it was her choice but he wouldn’t be involved if she chose to have the baby. He can make that choice.

He is trying to coerce her to do what he wants by giving her an ultimatum

Fact -The baby is already here by both parents choices to consent to have sex without taking precautions
Fact- Both are equally responsible for the baby and can’t wish their responsibility away by saying they won’t be involved

OP, parking aside this pregnancy.. Do you actually want to have children? The guy told you he absolutely doesn't want any more children. If you were not pregnant now, would you be happy to commit to him knowing you will never have a child?
If the answer is yes, I would terminate. If the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself if you can realistically manage alone, even if he consistently pays child maintenance. If you can then absolutely have the baby.
If you do want children he is not the right man for you irrespective of your decision with this pregnancy

Op, I hope that you are reaching out to find support from family, friends, online counselling? It doesn’t matter whichever decision you make, it is the right one when you focus on what feels right for you. it will work out.

He is trying to coerce her to do what he wants by giving her an ultimatum

Or he's stating his position.

Fact -The baby is already here by both parents choices to consent to have sex without taking precautions

Nope. There's no baby yet. There's a foetus, which may or may not end up as a baby.

Fact- Both are equally responsible for the baby and can’t wish their responsibility away by saying they won’t be involved

Nope again. OP will be responsible for the baby if there is one. Nobody can make a father be involved if they choose not to be. Look around at the world, its fairly obvious. At best you can get financial help, but thats not exactly easy if they choose not to pay.

You might want to look up the word fact. as you're 0 for 2 there.

I think you need to consider how having a baby will potentially impact on things going foward re meeting a decent guy.
I met my fiancé in my late 30's but I already had two kids and didn't plan on having any more. He didn't have any children and had accepted / come to terms with the fact he was unlikely to be a bio dad.
We have a daughter together now who we feel so blessed to have, but a baby wasn't in our original plans.

@Yohoheaveho My ex-husband is with a woman 18 years his junior. He's 45. I don't think it's his glittering personality she likes

What a stupid post

Thanks

Personally, for the sake of the prospective child, I wouldn't continue a pregnancy that the father didnt want. To not be wanted by a parent is a bitter pill to swallow.

There may be financial security in this relationship, but is it enough to give up on the desire to have children? Its now clear that he isnt going to change his mind about it, so you have to be honest with yourself.

If you want kids, the better idea would surely be to get out of this situation and find a relationship with someone who wants the same things out of life i.e. a family. At 33 you're still young enough to do that, but I wouldn't leave it much longer!

Personally, for the sake of the prospective child, I wouldn't continue a pregnancy that the father didnt want. To not be wanted by a parent is a bitter pill to swallow

I wasn’t wanted by either of my parents. But I don’t wish I was dead, or that I’d never been born.

I think I’ve turned out ok.

Actually GoJoe. you are incorrect, if Op decides to keep their baby, the father legally has parental responsibility for their child if she chooses to name him on the birth certificate.

Whether Op has chosen to keep baby or not it is always her choice, and she can and will choose what is right for her going forward, by listening to her own wishes , not the bully fiancé in her life. Op I hope you are OK, and go forward with support from friends and/or family knowing that it is your body and your right to choose.

The op cannot simply choose to have him on the bc. He would have to attend the registry office with the op.