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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
Elvesinquarantine · 09/11/2020 18:24

11 years and only recently engaged?
He isn't committed to you regardless of a baby imo..
Keep the baby, I doubt you relationship wi survive either way. And he needs to pay Cms.
The snip would have been the cheaper option..

carly2803 · 09/11/2020 18:27

keep the baby. Either way, your relationship is over.

with all due respect, you have been dragging this relationship out both wanting different things

Time to change. dump him, raise your baby, you will be fine

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 18:30

This relationship is finished whether you have the baby or get an abortion. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

If you want the baby, keep it.

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 09/11/2020 18:30

@TheYearOfSmallThings

It sounds like you wanted to be pregnant, are happy to be pregnant, and were hoping he would come around to the idea. He has always been clear that he doesn't want more children, and he believed you were on board with that.

I actually think he is entitled to speak up now and say no, I don't want this and I will not be playing happy families. Yes, he should have got a vasectomy, but I'm guessing you never wanted him to do that and wouldn't have supported it.

Having said all that, if you decide to go ahead and have the baby he is not entitled to wriggle out of his share of the parenting and financial support. Just think about what you want - if being a mother is important for you he wasn't the right one for you anyway, and you can totally do this without him.

Totally.
butterry · 09/11/2020 18:30

How much do you want to have a child? If you terminate now then I think you have to be certain that you can live a life with this man knowing it’s not going to happen.
Think about it carefully but I think it comes down to whether you want to keep this baby with this man and have a child whose father doesn’t want to play a part in its life or otherwise terminate and move onwards afresh and in time meet and have a child with someone else who really wants the same as you. I’m sorry you are in this position but you were fairly young when you got together and this should have been anticipated by both of you.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 18:31

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

He keeps telling me to strip out the emotion and look at the practicalities... The baby would have to share a room with his 12 year old (she comes to stay twice a month) and our hall way is tiny... no room for a push chair. (Gosh as I write this I'm thinking - these are not valid reasons not to have a baby. Not for me anyhow.) He also doesn't do well with chaos (he is very particular and likes things neat and tidy) and fears we will argue non stop. Perhaps he's right... perhaps it would break us... Sometimes I think, ok I'll terminate, but then I get a nagging feeling that it's not the right decision.

I have a phone consultation with Hope House on Wednesday, perhaps they will be able to give me some advise as to how this could work practically. I'm self employed which makes things a bit tricky. No maternity cover/steady income...

OP posts:
GameSetMatch · 09/11/2020 18:31

You have said you were pleased when you found out, I think that’s your answer.

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2020 18:32

Agree the relationship can’t survive I’m sorry op

So it’s really do you wish to keep the baby as a single parent or not.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/11/2020 18:33

Don't abort for him. He could end up leaving you regardless.

Decide if you want this baby. Then work down from there.

BonnesVacances · 09/11/2020 18:35

Goodness! You've been with a man who doesn't want children since your early 20s and now you've found out you'd quite like children after all. Don't waste any more years on him.

1940s · 09/11/2020 18:38

@FelicityPike

I’m sorry but this relationship is over no matter your decision. You will resent him if you terminate and he’ll resent you if you keep the baby.
100% agree. The least you can do is walk out of this at 33 with a baby, something you've always pined after. Walk away and the new love of your life will be your child
Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 18:40

@GoJoe2020 Agreed. My partner has as much right as I do to stand up for what he wants from life. Although he has been very clear where he stands, he has been very supportive of how I must be feeling. There would be no hard feelings towards him from me if I decide to go it alone. Just heartache as I love him very much.

OP posts:
WitchOfTheWest · 09/11/2020 18:49

It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

I suspect you'd never forgive yourself if you got rid. As pp have said, I think the relationship is over either way.

MadeForThis · 09/11/2020 18:51

It sounds like you want very different things from life.

He was clear that he didn't want any more kids. You have always hoped he would change his mind. This is a recipe for disaster.

Do you want to be a mother? Raise a child?

Staying with him means that you will never have your own children. You know now he will never change his mind.

It's time for you to decide what you want.

Isabelle99 · 09/11/2020 18:53

Hi OP, I had similar happen to me. I was with my ex since I was 15, we found out I was pregnant and he didn’t want to be a father. He told me to terminate and stay with him or keep the baby and go at it alone. So I went at it alone. My boy is 8 months old this month and it was the best thing I’ve ever done, it’s incredibly difficult and money is tight (ex pays maintenance but has no contact), but I know I’d regret terminating. It sounds like if you terminate your relationship is over anyway, so a lot of the things you’d be giving up if you continued with this pregnancy are things you may have to give up anyway. Please don’t do something you don’t want to do.

Iggypoppie · 09/11/2020 18:54

Realistically this might be your only and last chance to have a child (and definitely if you stay with him). I would never advice anyone to choose a relationship over a child.

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2020 18:55

I think your relationship can never go back to what it was.

It sounds like you have always wanted children but have sacrificed that desire to be with him. I think this was ok in theory (although I suspect as the years went by probably would have challenged the relationship anyway). But in practice I dont think you can.

Practicialities are nothing here OP you want this baby that is all that matters you can make it work.

I suspect you have sacrificed a lot anyway to be in the relationship

pheonixrebirth · 09/11/2020 18:55

I agree with all PP with the fact that he could of made his own decision and got a vasectomy if he felt so strongly.

However you seem to have spent the whole relationship denying your own natural feelings to be a mother.

NOW is the time to listen to YOUR feelings (not pretend to be ok with everything he wants).

He has been honest in his view but you need to be completely honest about what you want.

What if this is your last chance to have a baby?

Are you going to terminate a baby for a man who can turn his back on you without so much as a second thought.

Respectabitch · 09/11/2020 18:58

He keeps telling me to strip out the emotion and look at the practicalities... The baby would have to share a room with his 12 year old (she comes to stay twice a month) and our hall way is tiny... no room for a push chair. (Gosh as I write this I'm thinking - these are not valid reasons not to have a baby. Not for me anyhow.) He also doesn't do well with chaos (he is very particular and likes things neat and tidy) and fears we will argue non stop. Perhaps he's right... perhaps it would break us...

Look, he just doesn't want to have a baby. If he did, or was at least open to it, you could manage the practicalities. But he doesn't want it and you can't make him want it. The choice to come is all yours, and you're going to have to make it without him in the equation because he isn't in the equation any more.

Let's say you terminate in an attempt to save your relationship with him. What then? You feel sad, upset and probably resentful. He feels resentful because he feels pressured by your feelings. You still want a baby someday, and he still doesn't. How are you going to feel in ten years' time when it's too late for you? Glad you ended the pregnancy to save a relationship that always had a fundamental incompatibility?

Viviennemary · 09/11/2020 18:58

Imagine years from now will you be sorry you didn't take your chance to be a mother. All because of this man and what he wants. . It's not his decision. It's yours.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 09/11/2020 19:02

I went through something very similar (except not a fiancé, a much shorter relationship). Like you said in your original post, I knew if I terminated I would resent him anyway and it would end our relationship. I honestly think the fact he said you would be going it alone tells you how little he really loves you and for me that would be it, I’d pack his bags and tell him to leave.

It sounds, however, like you live in his home? Or is it jointly owned?

Please bear in mind that he will be financially responsible for this child and if it helps you can go online and calculate what benefits you would be entitled to on your wage alone (child benefit, working tax-credits etc.). When I figured this out I felt much better as I knew I could get through the early childcare years.

Honestly, only you can decide, but if you want the baby then I don’t think you should give two hoots about your fiancé as he sounds horrid.

Grumpy19 · 09/11/2020 19:02

From your posts it sounds like you really want to keep the baby. I think there is only one answer to this.
You can do it. Good luck. X

Calligraphy572 · 09/11/2020 19:06

I think you should spend the next few days focussing on how you could make this work, rather than worrying about his reaction. Where would you live? What support would you have? How can you make the budget add up right? Then you can make a choice for you.

Your relationship is, sadly, over either way. He created a child with you, and if he walks away and has no contact with this child after an 11 year relationship with you, while still parenting his first two children... if he lets the woman he was supposed to love struggle on her own... trust me when I say that you will have a boatload of hard feelings. It is a monumental betrayal.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 09/11/2020 19:06

P.s. you mention being self employed, in which case you should be eligible for maternity allowance. I got that and I later met people who didn’t even know it existed.

SunshineCake · 09/11/2020 19:07

You are still young. Is the baby worth losing him as your partner and being tied to someone you know doesn't want you or your child?
Don't keep the baby in the hope he'll change his mind. They rarely do. Be clear that if you carry on with the pregnancy you'll be doing so alone and the child won't have an involved daddy more than likely.