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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
EwwDavid · 09/11/2020 21:21

Why do older men who don’t want children date young women who have their whole lives ahead of them and may want children one day. Utterly selfish.

Clearly he isn’t into the family dynamic as he split with his ex when their children were tiny, and now only sees them twice a month.

You clearly want to keep the baby. Your relationship would never recover if you had a termination.

Suzi888 · 09/11/2020 21:23

Have you always wanted children? I’m just struggling why your with him, when he’s said he doesn’t want them.... but too late now I guess.
Have you considered private counselling, talking it through with a professional may help.
I’d worry how much my partner loved me if he was willing to finish with me over a pregnancy...
Are you in the U.K? that may affect any advice you get regarding maintenance.
I’m so sorry, I hope you reach a decision that is right for you.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 21:26

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion because it wasn’t clear how far gone I was based on my menstral cycle. I have always been irregular

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 09/11/2020 21:33

I hope you can sort the finances out OP. I had a baby on my own and no regrets whatsoever, but no two people's situations are the same.

Hailtomyteeth · 09/11/2020 21:39

Ta fuck with him. Have the baby and see the back of him.

Do whatever you really want to do, but the above is what I'd do. Please don't consider his feelings - he isn't considering yours.

tsmainsqueeze · 09/11/2020 21:39

The love of your life would not say this , damage already done either way.
Keep your baby ,you will find happiness in the new life you make as a mother.
Does this man know how awful it would be for you at 12 weeks plus to abort ? Totally selfish.
Good luck .

Trixie18 · 09/11/2020 21:44

I'm so sorry but I think you really need to keep your baby and go it alone. To be fair to your OH, he sounds like he's been honest from the beginning. You were foolish to think he'd change his mind but what's done is done.
Please don't ever have an abortion unless it's absolutely what you want. Unless you're absolutely sure you want a termination it's devastating and can affect your mental health for years. Even if it's what you want you can still be adversely affected.
You know this, from what you've said you've already connected and bonded with your child, you know what to do. Good luck xxx

AnotherDelphinium · 09/11/2020 21:45

If he didn’t want a baby that much, he should have had a vasectomy or abstained.

I simply cannot comprehend men who ‘definitely don’t want children’ but take no responsibility to ensure it doesn’t happen.

Best wishes OP, either way, you’ll be on your own.

icanbewhatiwant · 09/11/2020 21:46

You are in a difficult position. My dh is 15 years older than me. He had 2 children ages 10 and 12 when I met him 25 years ago now. He didn't want more children. We have 3. Perhaps your partner will come round. But it sounds like he finds young children hard to cope with.

Please think long and hard about termination. I know you'll regret it if you do.

Nsky · 09/11/2020 21:56

Maybe adoption?
Who knows only you csn decide

picosandsancerre · 09/11/2020 21:57

I hadn’t done the maths and now I have you at age 22 were swept up by a 35yr old bloke with two young DC. I bet he also got you moved in quickly and engaged in the mummy role too given he isn’t a fan of DC. Sorry but I think your pregnancy is an opportunity to take stock and reflect on the past 11 yrs and work out what you are getting from this man.

EatTheHamTina · 09/11/2020 22:00

He sounds like a sack of shit he doesn't mind putting babies there but wants to run and hide so doesn't have to deal with the actual baby. Like he left his wife with a 2 year old and a newborn. Now if he doesn't get his own way he has threatened you'll do this alone. Looks like his wife got on with it just fine. If you don't want to terminate then don't. If choose a baby over a man anyway especially this sack of shit.

EatTheHamTina · 09/11/2020 22:02

He should of got the snip if he was so sure, fucking cock.

HappyHedgehog247 · 09/11/2020 22:05

You are in a tough situation and it’s good you are talking and thinking it over. Whichever decision ahead is hard and so you may want some counseling to support you in making and seeing through your choice. I ended up a single mother with a baby and later developed a stable committed relationship. It’s not what I would have chosen from the outset but I just wanted to say that if you choose to keep the baby single motherhood now doesn’t necessarily mean you will be single forever.

Flutter12 · 09/11/2020 22:10

I’m not sure why some posters are acting like the partner is the bad guy when op has said herself that he was clear from the get go that he didn’t want kids.

BananaFlavouredPancakes · 09/11/2020 22:24

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/11/2020 22:37

@Nsky

Maybe adoption? Who knows only you csn decide
Why do people always throw adoption out there on a thread where a woman can't bring herself to abort a fetus, as though carrying a baby for 40 weeks, giving birth to a fully formed child and handing it over to someone else will be the easier option 🙄. I see it on every thread like this!
AliasGrape · 09/11/2020 22:41

I’m not sure why some posters are acting like the partner is the bad guy when op has said herself that he was clear from the get go that he didn’t want kids

I’m guessing they’re acting like the bad guy because he is. He already has kids, two of them, who he walked out on when they were tiny - one still a newborn, because he ‘couldn’t take the pressure of day to day parenting’. Yet he carried on having sex with the 22 year old he shacked up with within a year of leaving his marriage and babies, ignored the fact that no contraception is foolproof and didn’t take ultimate responsibility for his decision by having a vasectomy. I mean if you really dislike fatherhood that much that you’d walk away from your newborn and toddler, wouldn’t you think you’d get the snip to prevent it ever happening again?

He’s already fucked over one woman and left two children behind. You say he’s been ‘devoted’ but also say his daughter stays twice a month - twice a month doesn’t sound particularly devoted to me. I’m sure his ex wife thought he was the love of her life once too but he left her holding the baby and he’s hoping the threat of doing the same to you will lead you to terminate. This isn’t a good man and it’s not a man you should give up your chance of motherhood for (if motherhood is what you want, which it sounds like it is).

I’m fiercely pro choice, but I think in your shoes I’d choose to continue the pregnancy.

Mischance · 09/11/2020 22:45

Keep your baby. He can choose what to do - his problem. If he had been so clear about not wanting a baby he could have taken proper responsibility for contraception.

I fear that either way you may find the relationship is over. He has shown himself for what he is.

Mischance · 09/11/2020 22:47

I do not understand those who are standing up for him - OP did not have an immaculate conception! He should be treating this as a challenge for both of them to find a way to deal with rather than refusing to engage and giving her an ultimatum. Disgraceful behaviour - I would not want to be with him any longer.

Original poster
belle75 · 09/11/2020 22:49

@Flutter12 he’s made some questionable choices in life but you’re right he’s not a bad guy. I wouldn’t have spent the last 11 years with him building a life if I thought he was. That’s why this is such a tough decision. @BananaFlavouredPancakes i have no intention of manipulating him in to raising this child with me. I wish it were different but I respect his decision.

OP posts:
Lardlizard · 09/11/2020 22:50

Sounds like you know what you want op
And like you say this relationship is most likely over whatever happens now
So keep your baby it’s obviously you want to and you never know he may come around
Then you will have to decide if you do still want him in your life

Chrissy1291 · 09/11/2020 22:50

Keep the baby.

Cupcakejamlover · 09/11/2020 22:56

Please keep the baby... it would break your heart to bits if you terminated the pregnancy! 10 weeks is a massive milestone, you can already hear the heartbeat and so many people would die to get to that stage, speaking with a previous background of miscarriage early on! Im currently 17 weeks pregnant and would give up the entire world for this baby, let alone a man who is so selfish to deprive me of my own children because he has his own?! Im not sure if you believe in god or the universe, but trust me everything happens for a reason! Please Keep this baby 💔💔

Honeyroar · 09/11/2020 22:59

You’ve always secretly hoped that he’d come round to having a baby, despite his complete wobble last time he became a father. He’s always been honest that he didn’t want to have more children. He’s seemingly not going to be swayed on this. He won’t cope. You’re going to have to do this alone with someone else in the future. It’s just not going to happen with him, sadly. Time to put yourself and the baby you’re clearly exited about first.