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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/11/2020 19:08

How selfish of him. He has his children, hooks up with a much younger woman and denies her the opportunity to have children of her own. It’s borderline wicked, really, isn’t it?

My advice is to keep the baby.

MrsSpringfield · 09/11/2020 19:10

You can do it alone. You don't need him.

How will you feel in 10years time - not a mother. Look over at him and see what he robbed from you. You will hate him.

The decision is yours, but either way the relationship is now dead.

MrsSpringfield · 09/11/2020 19:11

Although- he made clear he doesn't want more kids. He can make the decision not to be involved and that's his choice, too.

DrDavidBanner · 09/11/2020 19:11

He made his bottom line clear - but I do not understand why men like this do not have vasectomies

This, also I don't know how you "strip out the emotion" when you're pregnant.

I am definitely pro choice, and if you said you were unhappy about the prgnancy I would say a termination would be the best option but it sounds like you are happy with the pregnancy so you have to do what's right for you. TBH from your posts it sounds like you are more commited to the relationship than he is.

Calligraphy572 · 09/11/2020 19:16

He made it clear he didn't want kids - but then he went and made one anyway. I'm fully pro-choice, but termination is never the man's call to make. Possibly he should have asked his dp what she really wanted.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/11/2020 19:16

I was in a very similar situation years ago, except that my fiancé and I planned the baby. He changed his mind after the positive result and did/said everything in his power to convince me to terminate. Even now I feel guilty because my head was everywhere, and on a couple of occasions I said "ok - I will make the appointment" knowing that I really, really didn't want to, and feeling this awful responsibility of ruining his life, when I saw the relief in his face. I couldn't do it, and he didn't have contact with the baby, nor did he ever pay a penny. The baby will be 23 in a couple of weeks' time and I have never regretted it for a second.

Flittingaboutagain · 09/11/2020 19:17

Ignore his reasons. He doesn't want another child. In the same way it's hard to describe why one doesn't like certain foods he is struggling to say why he doesn't want another child but it is quite clear, as it's always been, he doesn't.

You could leave him and meet someone who would like to be dad OP. This isn't your only chance so don't be frightened into this pregnancy by your age.

He will pay his way but will not acknowledge his child if you go ahead I imagine... otherwise he'd have been prepared to parent with you.

pickingdaisies · 09/11/2020 19:19

Think carefully OP. Somebody who can end a relationship so easily because of a buggy cluttering up the hallway? He talks about cutting out the emotion as if you are discussing buying a puppy, not terminating a baby that you, at least, really want. And if you terminate - what if it happens again? Another termination?
But I'd be worried that if he can be so emotionless about this decision, then he could just as easily finish with you at any point down the line, then you would have aborted your baby for nothing.

DanceWMe · 09/11/2020 19:20

Wow sounds like a really tricky situation. You just have to do what is best for YOU as he is only doing what is best for him. If you already love this baby (which it sounds like you do) then you have your answer. It's going to be tough but you will never regret choosing your child over this cold, miserable man.

HeddaGarbled · 09/11/2020 19:24

If he was sure he didn’t want any more children, he had no business taking up with a 22 year old. He could quite easily have chosen a woman at the same age and stage as himself, but these type of men want the hot younger girlfriend without the inconvenience of a baby. Even Donald Trump and Boris Johnson accepted that their trophy wives would want a child.

GabsAlot · 09/11/2020 19:24

sounds like you were always hoping he would change his mind he hasnt-if you want this chid let him go

Coffeesnob11 · 09/11/2020 19:24

With regards to practicalities. I live in a 2 bed house and when i was with my xh my sson used to come every other weekend. Our son is now 2.5 and is still in a cot. We bought a cot that fits through the doorway so on the weekends my sson would stay our son would sleep in his cot next to us. By the time the baby is old enough to be out the cot you may have moved or your stepdaughter will be busier with ftiends so may not come as much. If not you can put a little camp bed down for your child just for 2 nights a month. That's assuming you stay together and have the child. Good luck deciding it must be difficult.

dottiedodah · 09/11/2020 19:26

I thinj men like this are incredibly selfish .They meet a younger woman who usually will want a family .However they are "done" with Babies! Of course they are ,its always bloody well about them FFS! I would keep the baby and move out .This will always be between you if you had an abortion against your will.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 09/11/2020 19:28

You could lose him anyway. You could have the abortion and then he leaves you for another reason. Then what do you have?!

Would you honestly want to stay with a man as vile as this? That is happy he's got children but doesn't want you to have any? That would have you get rid a much wanted baby after 11 years?! He's a cunt.

Keep the baby lose the man. My best friend did and she now has a beautiful daughter who has given her gorgeous grandchildren.

Elvesinquarantine · 09/11/2020 19:29

So your home and lives accommodate his dc but not yours?.

Alonelonelyloner · 09/11/2020 19:31

My baby, whose father didn't want him is nearly 25 years old. I'm now friends with his dad (it took a while), but my god I look at my son and feel so so lucky.

I'm definitely pro-Choice, but if you want a baby at some point then now is as good a time as any and in any case it won't be with your partner. If you stay together younger choosing to never be a mother. If that is ok for you then no problem. But that's not what i get from your post.

RatanPostmaster · 09/11/2020 19:32

@pheonixrebirth

I agree with all PP with the fact that he could of made his own decision and got a vasectomy if he felt so strongly.

However you seem to have spent the whole relationship denying your own natural feelings to be a mother.

NOW is the time to listen to YOUR feelings (not pretend to be ok with everything he wants).

He has been honest in his view but you need to be completely honest about what you want.

What if this is your last chance to have a baby?

Are you going to terminate a baby for a man who can turn his back on you without so much as a second thought.

This.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/11/2020 19:38

You could lose him anyway. You could have the abortion and then he leaves you for another reason.

Good point. He could persuade you to terminate your pregnancy to preserve your relationship, then once you have done so end it because he now knows you want a child. It happens.

alexdgr8 · 09/11/2020 19:42

he's going to leave you anyway.
he's just saying he won't if you terminate, so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.
fly free OP.

starray · 09/11/2020 19:44

@Tiredtiredtired100

P.s. you mention being self employed, in which case you should be eligible for maternity allowance. I got that and I later met people who didn’t even know it existed.
Yes, that's true. I got it, but I know people who qualified who didn't even know about it.
RoseTintedAtuin · 09/11/2020 19:47

Another vote for you to keep the baby (as it appears that’s what you really want). I’m sure you really want him too but tbh I don’t see that working out for you regardless of what you decide. I don’t think that level of resentment is survivable if I’m honest even if you managed to block it for a couple of years it would come roaring back at unhappy moments. A child on the other hand is very difficult to resent if it is wanted (which it clearly is) and loved no matter what. The practicalities as he calls it will work themselves out but perhaps moving close to family or close friends is a good move. If you want it to work you will make it work but I completely understand how hard it is to think about moves as an individual rather than as a team given the length of your relationship

FrightClub · 09/11/2020 19:49

His DC are 13 and 12, and you've been together for 11 years - so his previous relationship broke down when they were presumably even younger than 2 and 1? What kind of a father has he been to those children in the intervening years?

Ismellphantoms · 09/11/2020 19:50

I've been in the same situation. Despite extreme pressure to terminate as he had already had his children. I couldn't do it. I started thinking about the baby, what it would look like etc. I had my baby and it has been wonderful. She has given me three fabulous grandchildren. If I'd listed to my XP, I'd have lost all this joy I have since her birth. Your relationship isn't what you thought it was. It's effectively over and you won't love him much longer for his horrible attitude. He clearly doesn't really love you.

whoareyouIwonder · 09/11/2020 19:53

Your relationship is over anyway

However, you definitely cannot feel the baby

ivfbeenbusy · 09/11/2020 19:55

You're relationship is over whether or not you decide to keep the baby.

The problem is the trust is gone - you said yourself you always hoped you'd change his mind about having more children so he could feel you've done this deliberately to get your own way? On the other side you can't trust him to support you in the way that someone you've not long committed to marry should be.

He'll always resent you if you keep it and you'll always resent him if you don't.