I'm having another boy

[missivey]

Hello All,

Yesterday I just found out I'm having another baby boy. I already have a 3 year old son.
Iv come here to see if anyone is feeling like me or can relate.
I have been wanting a baby girl from before I had my first son. As soon as I found out Iv been crying and I have this feeling that my heart is broken and one understands me.
It's unlikely il have another baby as cost and living space is a factor.
I sound selfish as many lady's can't have children but I can't help how I feel.
I will love this boy as much as I love my other son but my heart is broken.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up.

@ShalomToYouJackie

I don't think mentioning miscarriages or infertility is to make the OP feel guilty, but to give her perspective and understand that sex really doesn't matter when you are having a healthy baby.

Exactly this. I have two boys and would I like a girl? Will if I could have her as well as my sons, yes. But certainly not instead of. I think if you have such a strong sex preference you would really need to reconsider ttc, or go to a country where you can make the choice. What you must not do is let your dc get even a whiff of how you are feeling.

'd have preferred two boys to one of each, I think, just for ease. When they're teens they'll be able to share a hotel room so you can have your own, you can save money on clothes for the second one, they're more likely to share interests which should make holidays and days out easier to plan, they're likely to play together until a later age... The advantages to two the same are pretty big

I have 2 the same. This is NOT my experience.

You are assuming because they are the same sex they have the same interests, same tastes in clothes, get on well.

Again, it isn’t the genitalia that decides this, it’s the personality.

My two couldn’t be more different. They have never played together-one likes dolls and drawing, the other likes physical play. They won’t share a room, they’ll fight over everything. They don’t share clothes, different tastes, plus different body shapes.

The sex of mine does not determine their relationship. And this is the same with parents, they think a boy will behave in a certain way, that they’ll share the same interests as a girl.

You are assuming because they are the same sex they have the same interests, same tastes in clothes, get on well.

Ah, you are presuming I care what their taste in clothes is. DS is currently in fairly neutral onesies because we bought that way for DD, but he also wears quite a lot of floral and pink and will continue to do so, because I don't care about patterns and colours. He also has some blue and dinosaurs because DD did. Unfortunately, as he gets into the larger sizes, there are more and more dresses and overtly girly items that are going to need to be sold and replaced. Were he a girl I'd have all his clothes already bought until age two and I'd probably get away his sister's hand me downs until about age four. The savings would be significant, particularly as they outgrow everything in five minutes flat in the early stages.

Also, whether they would like to share a room or not, they could be made to on holidays. I wouldn't feel right making a teenage girl share with her brother, or vice versa.

As for getting on well, there are obviously no guarantees, but in my experience, it's far more likely they'll find common ground with other boys than with girls, if only because peer pressure seems to have a far stronger impact on boys and they'll usually develop interests their peers deem appropriate.

As a pp said - anyone who has such a strong sex preference should stop gambling with your future dc lives and get on a reliable form of contraception or stop having sex!

I can't feel sympathy for people who have a strong sex preference, it actually gives me the shivers, and will not be told I'm being unkind of saying so.

@Handsoffisback

The attitude towards little boys on here is disgraceful sometimes. As if they are some sort of consolation prize. Some people don’t sound mature enough to have a child, it’s quite concerning tbh.

My thoughts exactly.

Oooh girls and boys don't tend to be friends.

And on we go with the stereotyping that has such a lot to answer for.

When I was a child loads of my friends were boys. We didn't tend to see each other as a different species.

Things have gone backwards. It's really sad.

In general society needs to be extremely careful of how it approaches gender. I grew up in a very patriarchal society and I'm one of 4 girls, no boys. I've heard it all, people would say in front of me and my sisters:
Ah never mind
Too bad, keep going till you get a boy
Oh, you have no children (the world for child=boy in that culture) that's too bad
What a shame, only girls?
You should try such and such diet to get a boy
No matter how much our parents protected these comments were very hurtful and made me feel extremely resentful. After my third and fourth sisters were born, my dad's family didn't even bother to visit they were so upset that they were girls. The drip down effect has been lasting on me, my parents tried very hard but I grew up feeling very resentful and with low self esteem, those endless comments embedded themselves in me that I was not good enough, that my existence was met with 'oh well too bad' by that society.
PLEASE, don't make these comments by reversing the gender. It's not okay for anyone to say 'oh well too bad, try again' at the arrival of a healthy child, no matter what gender! Children are all precious and worthy.

Oooh girls and boys don't tend to be friends.

Didn't say that. Just said that they'd be more likely to find common ground with other boys than with girls. Which is true, in my experience.

Didn't say that. Just said that they'd be more likely to find common ground with other boys than with girls. Which is true, in my experience

It’s also true IME.

But a big part if that is girls are encouraged to stick to “girly” activities, and vice versa.

It’s unlikely a girl will make male friends at ballet class. It’s unlikely a boy with find girls to hang out with at football. The vast majority or parents enroll their kids in classes that align with gender.

I am not convinced how much is genuine “common ground”, and how much is peer/parental direction.

A boy who enjoys cooking won’t be telling his mates that and suggesting they go to a cookery class together.

I was a girl who enjoyed science, maths and sport. Quite often I found myself struggling socially, and on occasion as the only girl in a class or team. Boys thought I had nothing in common with them, but so did girls as I preferred to go to the gym rather than shopping.

I am not convinced how much is genuine “common ground”, and how much is peer/parental direction.

It's a fair point and an interesting question that I've asked myself a few times. Still not sure of the answer. There's clearly a lot of parental direction in some cases. DD has a mix of interests and it's been interesting to see how some are cultivated by grandparents etc while others are ignored.

Oh great another thread about not wanting a boy. They come up every few weeks. It's actually getting sexist. What is wrong with having a boy?? I have two boys and get asked all the time if I was disappointed. I find it VERY insulting

I think this a society wide issue. I have several friends who have been very dissapinted to have a boy. It's awful. I can think of three friends dissapinted in the last year alone.

*dissapointed

@Threelilducks

I think this a society wide issue. I have several friends who have been very dissapinted to have a boy. It's awful. I can think of three friends dissapinted in the last year alone.

I think this is probably the root of it. I blame commercialism- pink for girls, blue for boys, sex scans, 'gender reveal' parties etc. Buy a new pram because your last one had to be pink and your new one has to be blue... It's a way to encourage unnecessary spending. Add the trans misconceptions- if you don't like pink, makeup and shopping you're probably actually male- and you've got a perfect storm whereby people think the sex of a baby has a bearing on its likely personality and attach a great deal of value to it. I think it has gotten worse since the eighties and nineties.

@missivey Congratulations on your second baby! Sounds like you will be loving this second boy just as much as your first.

Also, so sorry to hear about your gender disappointment. This is so so real.
I found this article which may give you some comfort.
www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/gender/prediction/the-boy-girl-blues-dealing-with-gender-disappointment/

If I could recommend anything is try to become a "god" parent to girl, or really dote on a niece if you one - it might help.

I'm not having a go at op particularly here because this is clearly a very common feeling, but it makes me so sad to see how undervalued little boys are by so many on here

@Tblock

Boys get a real rough time on here at Times. Don’t think I have ever seen an article claiming they are disappointed to have a girl.

When I found out I was having another girl I was disappointed. I already had one of each and would of loved another little boy. The disappointment didn't last to long. I wouldn't change her for the world though and regret the feelings I had.

If I could recommend anything is try to become a "god" parent to girl, or really dote on a niece if you one - it might help

Really? If someone wanted to play girly dress up with my kids to compensate for not being able to do that with their own kids they wouldn’t be around my child for long.

I am making a big effort to teach my girls that they do not need to follow stereotypes. That they can play football, be good at maths, as well as enjoying dancing and art.

If someone came along and treat them like “girls” to indulge their own desire for all things pink and fluffy, they can fuck off.

They need to treat them like people, do the activities and buy gifts that the kid actually like, not what they want to buy girls.

I’d be fuming with dh if he decided he was going to take my nephews to football every week to indulge his desire for a boy, rather than take our girls to their swimming lessons. I’d be furious if he started buying Lego for our nephews and spending time building them so he gets the chance to do “boy stuff”, especially as our youngest loves lego and mechanical stuff.

@CoalCraft

I'm not having a go at op particularly here because this is clearly a very common feeling, but it makes me so sad to see how undervalued little boys are by so many on here

I don't think they're undervaluing little boys, they're just romanticising the idea of little girls. It's a very female-dominated site with lots of women posting, and people want to revisit their own childhoods a bit when they have kids. So your son might love sharing Disney Princess movies with you, and a daughter might not, but people imagine that little girls might be more likely to enjoy the activities they enjoyed as a little girl. Lots of men want little boys for the same reason- I know my dad was disappointed that he didn't have a son to take to football matches. I'm not interested in football and nor is my sister. A brother might not have been either, but DF imagined that his son would've been like him as a kid and thus into football. It's not really about the kid at the end of it. Sex disappointment is to do with gender stereotypes and the idea of what being male or female represents, rather than being disappointed in the child you do get.

There are also some things you can do with girls and not really with boys- lots of women do love the pink and the frills and relish the idea of a baby or toddler done up in ribbons and bows. It's just one of those things. 🤷

Sorry OP but l can't relate to this at all. I was absolutely delighted to be having another boy... just as I'd have been delighted if ds2 had been a girl.

If I could recommend anything is try to become a "god" parent to girl, or really dote on a niece if you one - it might help

She can dote on her own children. If she feels the need to seek out someone else’s child to dote on to satisfy her desire for a little girl, then she should buy a doll. Seriously - if someone did this to my daughter I would find it creepy as fuck.

Gender disappointment is a real and valid thing it's ok to grieve the fact you may not get a daughter but then you can celebrate another son ! I have 2 boys and a girl (and I find out next week what I'm having this time !) I wanted another girl last time and I admit I was a bit gutted , my oldest is a boy and is and had always been difficult I love him to pieces but he is extremely high needs in many aspects (including some learning difficulties& lack of understanding) and my daughter is pretty easy so I thought I'd prefer another girl however my youngest son is the most lovely easy going gentle and kind child you could wish to meet , gender doesn't come into it ... Some of the trates you wish for in a girl you may well get in your baby boy also being a mum of boys is as wonderful and special as being a mum to a girl .. X

Sorry OP but l can't relate to this at all. I was absolutely delighted to be having another boy... just as I'd have been delighted if ds2 had been a girl.

What a useful contribution.

It's every bit as useful as telling a woman who's seen a healthy baby in a scan that it's ok to feel heartbroken about this good fortune.

@Bambooble

Sorry OP but l can't relate to this at all. I was absolutely delighted to be having another boy... just as I'd have been delighted if ds2 had been a girl.

What a useful contribution.

OP asked if anyone could relate to how she felt.

I just answered her question...