I'm having another boy

[missivey]

Hello All,

Yesterday I just found out I'm having another baby boy. I already have a 3 year old son.
Iv come here to see if anyone is feeling like me or can relate.
I have been wanting a baby girl from before I had my first son. As soon as I found out Iv been crying and I have this feeling that my heart is broken and one understands me.
It's unlikely il have another baby as cost and living space is a factor.
I sound selfish as many lady's can't have children but I can't help how I feel.
I will love this boy as much as I love my other son but my heart is broken.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up.

@bluebluezoo

List all the things you can do with a girl you can’t with a boy.

There’s nothing. You can take a boy to ballet, lots of boys like shopping.

It will be the child’s personality that determines how you enjoy spending time together. Don’t buy into stereotypes and think a boy means hours on muddy football pitches, while a girl is sparkly theatre lights and pretty dresses.

I don’t get on with my mum at all becauae she has always tried to force me into the “hair, nails, make up, heels and nice dresses” stereotype. When we spend time together she wants to shop- i hate shopping. She discouraged me from sport as it wasn’t “ladylike”- all those muscles and swimming gives you huge shoulders and you smell of chlorine.

Dh takes my dd shopping. They both like it, i don’t. She doesn’t like dresses, but they both have an interest in high end and designer fashion. I take dd to crossfit with me, dh takes her ice skating.

Dh is much closer to his parents as he doesn’t get the constant comments over his appearance, and vouchers for nails, make up and “nice clothes” as presents which are never used.

Forget boy/girl. Get to know your child and find things you both enjoy. It is possible for opposite sexes to enjoy the same things.

I’m the same - terrible relationship with my mum because she tried to mould me into a mini her. This continued into adulthood so I moved across the country and now rarely see my family.

@bumpyknuckles

OP you need to pull yourself together! There are lots of women on here desperate for a baby of any variety. Consider yourself lucky if the sex if your baby is your only concern in pregnancy.

I don’t think you realise how lucky you are. It’s actually sad 😢

It's not about so much if you have a boy or a girl as the relationship you build with your children.

I have two DS aged 12 and 19 months.
They are so loving, caring and fun. As well as being playful, sporty and energetic.

If your like my friend you could have two girls, both sporty, dislike anything girly, stubbornly independent and don't enjoy typical girly activities. They are also not the cuddly, sensitive type and like their own space. However she loves them for who they are.

What I'm trying to say is how you envisage life with a girl may not be the reality of how it is.

I appreciate everyone feels how they feel but honestly after seeing the struggles people go through I'm a 100% on the if your baby is healthy and happy then thank your lucky stars.

I understand.. when I was pregnant with my second I had to find out the sex as I knew if it was a boy I’d need a little time to accept that I would never have a girl. I didn’t want to be disappointed when baby came.

Take a few days to feel sorry for yourself, dust yourself down and keep going. You are going to have two little boys, two brothers who will always have each other. Don’t be sad, you are blessed xx

I have three healthy, beautiful sons. I have definitely worked on not being bothered about having a girl. I recommend you do that @missivey. 💐

I think I had a small amount of gender disappointment with ds2. Suppose not on your level OP. However, I suspect it’s normal to feel a bit sad. You had this scenario envisioned, and a whole life planned out in your head. It’s always disappointing to not have things the way we imagined. I don’t have a relationship with my Mum, too much sadness there for me.

For what it’s worth, I love having two boys, they’re just so cool and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Allow yourself to have those moments of grief, and work through them. Please don’t linger on them though, get yourself to a place where you can enjoy your child.

I have 2 girls who I love dearly. I always wanted 2 children and agreed with dh we would stop after 2. I cried for a few days after dd was born, I was still over joyed with her but something inside me was mourning for the boy I would never have. I think I always imagined having one of each. I have got over it and although I would have loved a boy I love having 2 girls (now 14 and 16).

"I was upset when I found out mine were boys....Feelings aren’t always logical! That said, hand on heart years on now, I wouldn’t change it even if I could. I love being a mum to my boys. It’s fun and they have such a deep, intense love for me it’s overwhelming.

I think I wanted a girl because what I thought that meant. But most of the things I wanted to do with my imaginary daughter I have been able to do with my sons. We have heart to heart chats, we do crafts, we discuss ideas, sing, dance, dress up."

(Sorry can't do bold)

This is exactly how I felt. I HATED myself for feeling it. I knew it was illogical. I gave myself many, many mental slaps. I didn't find out the sex of my 2 before the birth. I was instantly in love with both of them at birth, and I never wished that I didn't have them, but every now and again I felt sad, which I knew was; crazy, insensitive, illogical, immoral even. I just couldn't shake it.

Fast forward. I have 2 boys, 8 and 11. I am sure I would have loved 2 girls but my boys are incredible (and exasperating, of course).

I recently found out my sister is having a girl and there it was again, a stupid pang of nonsense. All it took was two cuddles, the best in the world IMO, and a crazy surreal conversation and I, again, realised how utterly ungrateful I was being.

You came on here to say the things you couldn't say out loud because you know it's not rational. You will be fine I'm sure. I can't name one thing I could do with girls that I haven't done with my two. (I do recommend lots of food and exercise.)

@justanotherneighinparadise

*Boys are harder to raise correctly, imho. They are statistically more likely to have SEN or have behavioural problems. There’s little help for this.

You’ll see more of this in the future I suspect*

Opinions are like arseholes. Everybody’s got one 🙄

Well, except this is absolutely true.

I can relate to this OP. When I found out that I was having boy no 2 I was so sad. I was delighted to be having a healthy baby but I can't tell you how much I grieved for "my daughter". It wasn't that I didn't want a boy! I was just sad that I wouldn't have a girl. And I'm sure that I would have felt the same had I been having a 2nd girl.

My little boy was born and it was love at first sight! He is lovely inside and out.

Fast forward 5 years and I now have a daughter running around. However, my 2nd little boy is the one that just adores me and I adore him. He is kind, considerate, hilariously funny and thoughtful. He is the life and soul of our house. He is also my clone! We have a very special bond.

My daughter was a lovely surprise- I was sure I was having boy no3 and genuinely didn't mind! My daughter is a complete daddy's girl but her and I are close too.

It will be ok OP! The feeling will fade and you will be fine. I think its ok to grieve for the daughter that you imagined. But after a while you must put these feelings to the side and move on! Your little boy will be amazing!

I’ve been there OP.

People always get a harsh time for admitting it but these feelings are so common and even people who have struggled to conceive or have experienced losses can experience it. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t grateful for a healthy baby.

Give yourself a little time, I was a little sad for a couple of days but several years on I couldn’t imagine my family any other way.

These threads always bother me because people line up to say without self awareness, oh it’s terrible how people are biased against boys it’s so stereotypical, but in fact being a mum of boys is better because boys are amazing whereas as girls are .l

This. And everytime someone says “boys are so” i want to scream that I have a girl who is hyperactive, eats everything in the fridge, needs constant exercise, has never sat for crafts or tv, hates pink- it is not the genitals it is the personality. Your own bias is seeing those traits in boys and ignoring them in girls.

I see it all the time. The colleague who’s family was split along gender lines- the mum took the girl to ballet and shopping, the dad took the boy to football and the park. When I asked if the boy did dance classes she was utterly horrified. She did not spend any time bar school runs with the boy.

In macd’s the small boys sent to the table with the computers, then allowed to run out to the soft play. While the girls sat at a table with their mums and were made to sit nicely and chat while colouring.

Spend time with your child and get to know them.

You can’t control your feelings and they are valid. I been lucky that I have not had those feelings but as a mother to only sons things are easier in someways. Hand me downs are easier to sort out. As young children they tend to like similar things. It is so much easier to buy identical stuff and not get judged for giving into their jealousy.

Be prepared for people to give condolences for having happy healthy child but the wrong gender. So many people have commented and said sorry it’s another boy. It is just not another boy but my son.

I really struggle to understand someone having such strong feelings to the point they are crying over a certain gender. Your having a healthy baby. What do you think you will get more from having a girl? This idea of dressing up girls like a doll just sounds so immature and a crap reason to want a certain gender. You could have a girl that hates dresses ect and nf blow your 'idea' out the water.
I have one of each and honestly right now no difference really between having a baby girl and a baby boy. However they do have different personalities and I'm sure that will be more apparent as they grow older. You can have the same wonderful relationship that you envisage with your sons. Please let go of this idea that you will have a 'better' relationship with a girl. It comes down to how you parent and connect with that certain child nothing to do with their sex. Congratulations 🎊

I’m the opposite, have 3 DDs and would have loved a boy. Girls are hard work. They can be sometimes be manipulative and cruel (especially as teens). Boys are much more easygoing. The grass is always greener.

@missivey - totally, wholeheartedly get where you're coming from. I'm currently pregnant with #2 and I just know it's another boy. I'm extremely close to my mum and I guess part of my sadness is the (selfish) worry that when she's gone I won't have a daughter to share similar things that we once shared. I actually read an article recently about the grief women feel when they don't have a daughter. One part stuck with me that said 'you're raising your boys to go and find someone else, who in short will replace you as #1.'

I think it's really inconsiderate of people to judge you or basically say you're not allowed to feel that way and just be grateful. One of my closest friends had a terrible time conceiving and she too had gender disappointment.

My son is also three, we told him a couple of weeks ago and ever since all he does is ask when his baby will be here. As expected, he refers to the baby as his brother, and when we said it might be a girl he said 'well I will put her back then'. Something that has and will keep me positive is knowing how close two boys will be. It's not a given I know, but more times than not, brother/sister relationships just aren't very strong. I'm an only child and growing up I longed for a sister. Would NOT have wanted a brother though. It's that whole idea of having a friend for life.

I know you're hurting right now and I completely know how you feel, but in the grand scheme of things, two boys is perfect. Their happiness as brothers will fill you with joy and remind you what motherhood is all about. LOVE.

Boys are harder to raise correctly, imho. They are statistically more likely to have SEN or have behavioural problems. There’s little help for this.

Actually it is thought that girls are woefully under diagnosed in regards to SEN, so although official statistics say more likely, actually I don't think that's true. Often girls 'present' differently especially in regards to autism, and because we all know healthcare is centred around men, it gets dismissed or not taken seriously, and they slip through the net without support.

@missivey

Hello All,

Yesterday I just found out I'm having another baby boy. I already have a 3 year old son.
Iv come here to see if anyone is feeling like me or can relate.
I have been wanting a baby girl from before I had my first son. As soon as I found out Iv been crying and I have this feeling that my heart is broken and one understands me.
It's unlikely il have another baby as cost and living space is a factor.
I sound selfish as many lady's can't have children but I can't help how I feel.
I will love this boy as much as I love my other son but my heart is broken.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up.

I had a friend that felt like this, she was more devastated than she let on for sure and you could tell her partner wasn't desperate for a boy. They ended up with a little boy and she's over the moon and very very happy, so just take your time and you'll be fine. Pretty sure she wants to have another to see if it's a girl though haha

@missivey - what do you think when you read stories about men who were desperate to have sons and who fantasised playing football with them, going to the pub with them, sharing their wisdom and being really close, only to be hugely disappointed because their sons didn’t like football and had very little in common with them? Your feelings are very real, but are largely based on fantasy - a particularly unhelpful, harmful one if your fantasies don’t play out as expected.

You could view having two dss as a good thing in the long run - enabling a better relationship with your boys than you might otherwise have had, as you can appreciate them as two wonderful individuals, rather than having the stereotypical one girl and one boy who have different expectations thrust upon them by parents who fantasised about having one or the other, because in their fantasies they would have certain, specific experiences with them.

I actually read an article recently about the grief women feel when they don't have a daughter. One part stuck with me that said 'you're raising your boys to go and find someone else, who in short will replace you as #1

This is the kind of nonsense that feeds into all this gender disappointment. Where does this idea that mum will always be a little girls number one come from? No wonder so many women end up NC of LC with their own mothers. These women end up damaging their relationship because they can’t let go of the thought that their daughter has grown up, found a partner and a life outside of them. It’s classic selfish narc behaviour.

I’m the opposite, have 3 DDs and would have loved a boy. Girls are hard work. They can be sometimes be manipulative and cruel (especially as teens). Boys are much more easygoing

Bollocks. It’s stereotyping and has no basis in truth.

I had a complete stranger in the park telling me my little boy would be trouble as a toddle, and he was so energetic and would get into trouble. But I’d be grateful later as teenage girls are horrible.

Guess what? That “boy” was a girl. And has been fine as a teenager.

Most of the “maniupulative” girls I have met have mothers who are exactly the same. You have no clue if it’s learned behaviour or because they are girls. I’ve met some pretty manipulative boys too.

Hi OP, I can relate as I have two boys and felt the same way as you.
As previous posters have said, girls are favoured because women think they’ll be your best buddy. That you’ll go on shopping trips or spa days together, meet for drinks with girlfriends, or whatever.

From my perspective, I had the impression that boys don’t stay as close to the family as girls do. I think there is also an element of shared experience. You want to pass down your knowledge and wisdom about your body, about your experiences as a woman. But as my sister said, having a boy is great because you learn about a world outside of yourself. I know a lot of these beliefs are based on false gender stereotypes, but I don’t think people should be shamed or belittled for thinking along these lines, especially when culturally we are bombarded with these stereotypes every damn day.

Today, I couldn't be happier with my two boys. My eldest is 3 and is so incredibly loving and affectionate. He's a huge mummies boy and I just have such a wonderful relationship with him. I hope I'll have a great with him relationship when he's older too. Of course, nothing can be taken for granted but at this moment in time I understand that my relationship with my son will not be guided by his gender.

In any case, I hear you and don't feel ashamed of feeling down or blue. A lot of women feel the same. But I promise that having two boys is awesome … and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Why are so many of these women being discussed so lacking in their own friends or hobbies that they’ve already decided their daughters will occupy that space? What happened to having your own life and your own interests?

I can’t think of anything better than raising independent children who go out into the world and not give me a backward glance. Perhaps this is the benefit of being an older mum? By the time my nest will be empty I’ll be in my sixties and will be delighted to close the door. I have lots of friends, I don’t need my kids as my friends nor do I need carers in my future.