I'm having another boy

[missivey]

Hello All,

Yesterday I just found out I'm having another baby boy. I already have a 3 year old son.
Iv come here to see if anyone is feeling like me or can relate.
I have been wanting a baby girl from before I had my first son. As soon as I found out Iv been crying and I have this feeling that my heart is broken and one understands me.
It's unlikely il have another baby as cost and living space is a factor.
I sound selfish as many lady's can't have children but I can't help how I feel.
I will love this boy as much as I love my other son but my heart is broken.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up.

@bumpyknuckles

OP you need to pull yourself together! There are lots of women on here desperate for a baby of any variety. Consider yourself lucky if the sex if your baby is your only concern in pregnancy.

Couldn’t agree more. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after 5 years trying to give my son a sibling and we’ve had so much heartache on the way an paying off debts because of IVF. I couldn’t care less whether it’s a boy or girl I just want a healthy baby for our family we can all love and cherish. Sometimes when I come off the infertility boards I realise even though I’m pregnant now just how much I can’t relate in other boards - please appreciate how much of a blessing these children are as when your on the other side of it and struggling it’s the hardest most challenging time of your life!

You’ll get over it.

I have felt like this op

We now have 5, 4 boys and a girl (not youngest) honestly not much difference having a daughter to a son

@THATbasicWITCH

I have felt like this op

We now have 5, 4 boys and a girl (not youngest) honestly not much difference having a daughter to a son

Apart from the fact that you know have five children instead of two 🤭. Uni days are going to be expensive!!!!

the grief is also the relationship you won't have with your grandchildren.
I'm gobsmacked by this. Do you really think that grandchildren only have close relationships with maternal grandparents? Surely you don't need to look far to see that that is definitely not the case, or do I live in a bubble?!

I can relate, I really wanted a boy and found I was having a girl. I thought a boy would be so much easier and much less worry. All my friends had boys apart from one and said how much easier they were. It was my first and last pregnancy so no chance to try again. So there were lots of tears!
Once she was born I loved her to bits and forgot all about wanting a baby boy so badly. One of my friends went on to have a baby boy not long after me and he was and still is an absolute nightmare!

I think your hormones run away with you when your pregnant, let yourself have a cry- it’s fine.

What specifically are you mourning? Are you close to your mum OP? As someone who is very close to their mum I can completely relate to craving that closeness /relationship with a girl as they grow up. Being there for shopping trips, cinema, being ‘friends’, proms, weddings, becoming grandma to their children etc. Hope your ok.

*now

OP, I have 2 sons, now aged 7 and 9. When I had my second I was a bit disappointed that I would never have a girl but as someone who has had multiple miscarriages, I was so lucky to be having a baby at all.

When DS2 was a year old my then husband walked out on us for another woman. I was left with the boys and honestly, I'm so glad they are both boys.

I do have a DD now too, from my now DH. I can tell you, the first year in, girls are not that much different from the boys at this age.

My dream was 3 boys. However I got one of each and a third didn’t happen. Wouldn’t change them for the world. Actually closer to my DS now they are adults , we are just more alike I would say.
Give yourself time to process it OP.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up

This stands out to me, my Mum had 3 daughters, none of us were girlie girls that like being dressed up in cute dresses. You were more likely to find me and one of my sisters up a tree wearing trousers, easier to climb in them.

I have 2 sons and because of originally being told I could never get pregnant naturally (which I did) I was genuinely grateful for whatever I had.

Mine are now 17 and 14 years old. We have so much fun, we are close as a family and spend quite a bit of time together. Accepting your children for who they are is the most important thing, you may wish they were more outgoing or quieter or a girl or a boy but they are your child. It is a lie to say girls are closer to their Mums. I wasn't close to my Mum until after uni.

Apart from the fact that you know have five children instead of two 🤭. Uni days are going to be expensive!!!!

Well yes! They won't all be uni age at once luckily. DC1 will be 30 by the time DC5 is 18

@WomenAndVulvas

the grief is also the relationship you won't have with your grandchildren. I'm gobsmacked by this. Do you really think that grandchildren only have close relationships with maternal grandparents? Surely you don't need to look far to see that that is definitely not the case, or do I live in a bubble?!

Agreed. My children have the closest relationship with my MIL because my own mother is too busy with my sisters children. So this stuff is very much in your own hands.

You have the choice of welcoming your DIL into the family, acting like a civilised person and having a relationship with any children she may have. Or you can throw your weight around demanding your son’s constant attention and make your DIL resent you, maximising the chances of her keeping the family as far away from you as possible.

@THATbasicWITCH

Apart from the fact that you know have five children instead of two 🤭. Uni days are going to be expensive!!!!

Well yes! They won't all be uni age at once luckily. DC1 will be 30 by the time DC5 is 18

Least it will give you some time to save up!

@PatchworkElmer

I think you need to unpack what you think you’d be ‘getting’ with a girl- I bet a lot of it is stereotypical (you’ve already mentioned dresses). You child is more than his genitals- he’s a whole person, and could be completely different to his brother. It does make me sad that all the ‘disappointment’ threads on here seem to be about baby boys 😔

Yes, this. I suppose it's human to imagine a mini-me, but it's not laudable and it shouldn't be something we indulge. You might have had a girl who would feel (rightly) stifled by pretty dresses and beliefs of the 'a daughter's a daughter for all of your life' variety.

I, like a PP, suggest you read the thread by the poor woman who won't be having any more children of whichever sex with her husband, because he's dead. I do get that you haven't exactly chosen to feel like this, but saying your heart is broken does point to a lack of perspective. Don't, whatever you do, settle into this feeling as something normal and to be indulged. If you don't think it'll pass on its own by the birth, you should look at counselling. It's not fair on your boy.

@rattlemehearties

Boys and girls are different and so is the way we relate to them - or instead we could choose to not stereotype them and not "relate to them" differently?

The big difference I see is in adulthood. How many times have we seen the DIL do all the emotional work and the son does NOTHING. It’s infuriating

I went through ivf, frozen embryo transfers and ivf again and again.
Believe me when I say just to be pregnant is a true miracle and I’m sorry but I just can’t understand the disappointment.
When I was pregnant and people asked me whether I wanted a boy or a girl my answer was always - just a healthy baby.

My dream was to have a house full of kids, at least 3 or 4. I managed 1 baby and 7 losses.
Please pull yourself together, work out what your issue is with not having a girl and realise how lucky you are.

We are allowed to mourn something that we won't have. I understand you. I have "one each", like I have always dreamed about, I can't deny it. But I did nothing to "achieve" this, it's just one or another. But I have never managed to have a natural birth. Both births were highly medicated and both times I ended up in operating theatre. Now, I DO realise how lucky I am, I really do. But many years later it still haunts me that I will never experience how normal healthy labour process feels like, while it seems like every friend of mine gave birth normally.

@Handsoffisback

The attitude towards little boys on here is disgraceful sometimes. As if they are some sort of consolation prize. Some people don’t sound mature enough to have a child, it’s quite concerning tbh.

Boys are harder to raise correctly, imho. They are statistically more likely to have SEN or have behavioural problems. There’s little help for this.

You’ll see more of this in the future I suspect.

@Handsoffisback

The attitude towards little boys on here is disgraceful sometimes. As if they are some sort of consolation prize. Some people don’t sound mature enough to have a child, it’s quite concerning tbh.

Couldn’t agree more. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand wanting a certain gender, but to actually cry and be to the point of unhappy is incredibly OTT for me. Not to mention baby boys getting a really hard time on here. I barely see women on here say “I’m disappointed to have a girl” it’s a little concerning

I've got two boys aged 7 and 9. Baby 3 came along as a very welcome bonus after two years of secondary infertility and two miscarriages which broke my heart into pieces.

Due to a fatal genetic condition which my oldest son has, we have to undergo genetic screening with each pregnancy. I began to poke around online after the geneticist called us up and said 'I'm not sure how to tell you this, but baby 3 is a boy' and I was thrilled. Once upon a time I did want a girl because I come from a family of all girls. But with the heartache life has thrown my way, all I want is my three kids, happy and healthy.

It's a real shame that on forums like this one, girls are so heavily desired over boys. I'm already a bit anxious about the stupid things people will say to me when I tell them baby 3 is also a boy. Ilove my children, their gender doesn't come into it. They play dress up, they play with my makeup because for small boys, sparkly eyeshadow is fascinating, and I let them play with it because so what???

Will I miss out on the relationship a maternal grandmother has with her grandkids? Who knows, for a start will my boys even have kids, will they be gay? Will I be alive by then? We don't know at all. I try to live life for now and for getting to know who these amazing little people are who I get to call my children. All going well, I'm dying to meet my third little boy.

I think you will honestly get over it. But it's ok to be sad. But you will eventually not want life any other way. I have one of each. But I think it's lovely that people have two the same. A brother bond will hopefully ne lovely for them. Plus how rewarding raising two boys into lovely young men.

I was so desperate for my first to be a girl and she was. Because I wanted to buy all the pretty dresses and buy pink. Then with my second I was less bothered. I had a boy.

I love them both equally and they are individuals who both bring me joy and laughter. They are both hard work in different ways. But both really close.

You are getting another boy. You are going to love him and care for him. Eventually you will forget how you feel now.

To the OP: try to redirect your feelings into happiness that you are giving your beloved son a brother, perhaps it can help with some of the hurt.

My best friend has just got pregnant, she's been trying for three years. She is just grateful