I'm having another boy

[missivey]

Hello All,

Yesterday I just found out I'm having another baby boy. I already have a 3 year old son.
Iv come here to see if anyone is feeling like me or can relate.
I have been wanting a baby girl from before I had my first son. As soon as I found out Iv been crying and I have this feeling that my heart is broken and one understands me.
It's unlikely il have another baby as cost and living space is a factor.
I sound selfish as many lady's can't have children but I can't help how I feel.
I will love this boy as much as I love my other son but my heart is broken.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up.

I’m the opposite, have 3 DDs and would have loved a boy. Girls are hard work. They can be sometimes be manipulative and cruel (especially as teens). Boys are much more easygoing

I used to have several colleagues who all had daughters aged between 9-15. There was constant drama about one girl or another being bullied by their peers (often by their so-called friends). There was a general consensus amongst this group of mothers that girls are horrible and engage in prolonged psychological warfare, whereas boys “just bop each other and have done with it”.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Why are so many of these women being discussed so lacking in their own friends or hobbies that they’ve already decided their daughters will occupy that space? What happened to having your own life and your own interests?

I can’t think of anything better than raising independent children who go out into the world and not give me a backward glance. Perhaps this is the benefit of being an older mum? By the time my nest will be empty I’ll be in my sixties and will be delighted to close the door. I have lots of friends, I don’t need my kids as my friends nor do I need carers in my future.

Yes! All of this. You said what I was thinking better than I could. I think part of the reason my mum pushed me away as an adult was because she didn’t have any interests or hobbies outside of raising her daughters. As I became more independent as an adult she could no longer deal with the fact that I was no longer her mini-me who has a partner who is her priority. She tried her best to keep me in her pocket and it forced me to move across the country. Her other daughters didn’t and as a result it has badly impacted their adult relationships because “mummy is always number 1”. My adult sisters are still being treated as little dolls to play with because it’s her only interest and is insisting on forcing a “best friends” relationship on them.

@sorryforswearing

loutypips

This is why I think finding out the sex can be a problem. I really didn't want to have a boy, and I thought when I was pregnant that they told me it was a boy and I was so upset. If you find out at the birth the sex, it's so much easier as you'll love them forever, and just be happy that they are safe in your arms.

I totally agree. I was desperate for a girl but knowing once the baby was here I’d love him/her anyway I didn’t find out the sex until the birth. Regardless of that I can’t understand why so many people want to know in advance. For me it takes away some of the excitement.

I was just thinking this, I didn’t know what I was having with either of mine- weren’t being told for the first and chose not to for the second, when I felt round my new baby and realised he was another boy I was cuddling him and so would be hard to feel disappointed.

@Turtleturtle81

I actually read an article recently about the grief women feel when they don't have a daughter. One part stuck with me that said 'you're raising your boys to go and find someone else, who in short will replace you as #1

This is the kind of nonsense that feeds into all this gender disappointment. Where does this idea that mum will always be a little girls number one come from? No wonder so many women end up NC of LC with their own mothers. These women end up damaging their relationship because they can’t let go of the thought that their daughter has grown up, found a partner and a life outside of them. It’s classic selfish narc behaviour.

I think there’s been kind of a shift that we’ve not really acknowledged though.

Under a strict patriarchal system, the wife would become part of the man’s family. She wouldn’t traditionally be as close to her own family. It’s still like that in some dark parts of the world.

But (thankfully) not like that in the West anymore. Marriage rates are dropping by the year. That often means that women are doing the bulk of the childcare and relying more on their own families to get by. Men and their families will not be as active as before.

If you have a son and he is not married, how can you expect to have an extended family? What about when they divorce, which is also quite common?

Ironically we used to worry about unmarried women but unmarried men are really .... kind of useless.

Ironically we used to worry about unmarried women but unmarried men are really .... kind of useless

I don’t think those comments are helpful either. Particularly when suicide rates are high in that subsection of society. Everyone is ‘useful’. Whether they procreated or not we all have worth.

I really don't understand women who say they are distraught, gutted, heartbroken because their baby a penis. You're upset because your baby won't be wearing a dress, I don't get it. After a miscarriage last year and reading some of the sad stories of infertility on this site, I know how lucky I am to be pregnant and really don't care what sex my baby is.

All children will have their own personalities and own relationship with their parents regardless of their sex. I think some women have this idea that if they have a girl it will become their best friend and they'll be really close as they grow up and that won't happen with a boy.

As a PP has said, if the sex of your baby is your only concern you're extremely lucky.

We have a 3 year old son and a 4 month old daughter. I always wanted "1 of each", but when I found out we were having a girl, although I was pleased, I also felt really sad that our little boy wouldn't have a little brother. I'd built up the idea it might be another boy in my head - I think I'd sold it to myself a bit too well as I did really want a girl.

I think, for me, it's really the finality of knowing this is my last pregnancy. I lost 2 pregnancies last year and I think somewhere deep down I'll always long for those babies. I didn't know their sexes. It's as if I could never have enough, if that makes any sense.

Logically, with a newborn and a toddler, and all of the covid stuff, edging ever-closer to more lockdowns, I know very well that we have enough on our plate! I'm not really someone who 'enjoys' being pregnant, and I am very grateful for what we have. My last pregnancy was a nightmare - every day I was terrified I would lose her - yet my biological clock is screaming for more. But if I did have another boy, I know I'd want another girl, and vice versa. It's completely illogical because, having one of each, I can honestly say the only difference is clothing colour. It's brilliant watching their little personalities develop, girl or boy.

I'm 42 and wouldn't try again, but the urge is strong, despite it making absolutely no sense whatsoever.

And I'll just add, I realised having a boy first...

Most of us are, or used to be, programmed from birth to want a little girl. Baby Annabel, dollies, Cindy, Barbie. I think that was a lot of it in my case.

First of all, personally, I think dresses only look great on young kids from walking to 3ish years (I know this seems like a long time but this goes quickly!!! Dresses on babies do not work).

But I understand how you feel... I didn't find out the sex of my first, as I just had no desire to know, it didn't really occur to me that this was something I should find out. Turned out he was a boy and an absolute joy. Second time round we found out the baby was going to be a girl and I cried because my son wasn't getting a brother! But then if I am honest I also cried tears of joy as somewhere deep inside of me I must have wanted a girl...

But oh wow, she has been hard work. She cried a lot as a baby. Had the worst tantrums from 18 months - nearly sent me to a breakdown and during lockdown I swear my experience would have been so much more manageable if she was like my first son. I also now have a third - a boy! He was born just before lockdown and slotted right in (I spent my whole third pregnancy with deep regret as I could not cope with two children). Is his ease down to him being a boy? I have no idea... and neither will you. Your boys could be really hard work - then again they may not be. If you had a girl, she could be like mine - or be really easy. All I know is it is not down to gender (I have plenty of friends with girls who have a hard time and plenty who don't).

The other day I saw a tractor and without thinking had a wave of excitement as I thought how much fun I'll have with my third looking at diggers, tractors etc (I hate dolls although loved them as a child). But then again - perhaps my son will prefer dolls, WHO KNOWS?!

PLEASE try and enjoy your pregnancy, think of all the fun your boys will get up to together x

Huge disappointment when I found out second was another boy, I so wanted a girl. Now he is 7 and he is the sweetest little thing ever. I no longer think about having a girl.

I have 2 boys. I'll admit to a pang when I realised no girls ( my mum always said she didn't want 'smelly boys') however it was more of a want what you don't get type thing i.e I spend hours curling my straight hair my mate spends hours straitening her curly.

A few years in I am yet to find anything I can't do with my boys that I couldn't with a girl, they are the sun & noon to my mum and we can't imagine life without them.

I think mums of boys need to band together to make kids clothes for boys that aren't so hilariously useless ( blue cars / green dinosaurs) and then we could do the squealing over clothes bit then move on ( Neither of them would let me choose from about 2 onwards anyway 🤷‍♀️).

I am purposefully working very hard on a positive relationship with my boys and any future DILS / SILS will be welcomed as part of the family.

You will love this baby wholly. He will be his own person and that's who you will love even if these feelings now are part of your journey to get there. ❤️

I felt a tiny bit like this when I found out my second was a boy. But there are also so many positives. It's nice to have a sibling the same gender, I get to reuse everything I've saved from DS clothes wise, I've got them matching outfits. They're close in age so will hopefully share same interests growing up.

I appreciate these will seem like very superficial positives to some people but when I did feel slightly disappointed these are the things I focussed on. I'm now really really happy that number 2 is going to be a boy and can't imagine it any other way

@UsedUpUsername - what a stupid post. An unmarried man is no more “useless” than an unmarried woman, they are just unmarried. I also see no evidence of women doing a better job of raising children where men are only involved in procreation and then disappear into the ether.

I don’t think OP is coming back. I can’t say I’m surprised! 🐍

if you have a son and he is not married, how can you expect to have an extended family?

Is an extended family a requirement in life?

Ironically we used to worry about unmarried women but unmarried men are really .... kind of useless

Seriously? What a ridiculous statement.

I have two daughters and would have loved a son, you will love this baby but this is why I always advocate not finding out until the birthday.

@bumpyknuckles

OP you need to pull yourself together! There are lots of women on here desperate for a baby of any variety. Consider yourself lucky if the sex if your baby is your only concern in pregnancy.

Completely agree. Took us years to get pregnant and lost 7 babies along the way. Im finally pregnant again and I can tell you that whether they were a boy or girl was the least of my concerns as long as I get to bring my babies home this time.

Sometimes a healthy dose of perspective is needed

I wanted my second child to be a girl and according to my husband when he was born I said "oh no it's a boy". My version is "oh it's a boy". However, whatever my initial reaction was I never gave it a second thought and I love him more than imaginable. It's great having two boys as they were the best of friends growing up and liked the same things. They're not keen on one another at the moment (they're 16 & 14) but I hope they'll be close again soon.

Congratulations. I understand how you feel. I have two boys and as much as I would like a daughter, we are not having any more children.

You’ve just found out and I guarantee you that by the time your son arrives you will love him as much as you’d love any child.
It’s fine to take some time to accept the situation.

What I’ve found is helpful is to separate my longing for a daughter from my love of my sons. I am so grateful for sons- yes a daughter would be nice but I would never change anything about my sons now. I think it took me a bit of time however to “grieve” for the daughter I would never have. It’s fine to do that, don’t put pressure on yourself.

On another note having two sons quite close in age is fantastic. They are like two peas in a pod, now they are a bit older they like the same stuff, share a room and generally play together almost all the time. Yes that could have happened if one of them was a girl but I doubt they could have a better relationship than they already have.

My MIL had a daughter and a son. Her daughter went very low contact aged 17 and MIL wasn't invited to her wedding a couple of years ago. She's never met her son in law. However, MIL comes around here twice a week to spend time with her GDC and her DIL (me). She has a lot to do with her son and his family.

You can't tell how close you'll be to your DC by their genitals.

Another way to look at it is that two of the same sex can be very beneficial to the children. I know lots of sane sex siblings who are super close and have a whale of a time sharing similar interests and pursuits. So if you can put your own thoughts to one side you might be able to find some light abs focus on how excited your son will feel when he knows he’s getting a brother and partner in crime.

@BigBigPumpkin completely agree with this. In fact I'd say at least half of my friends have strained relationships with their mothers. As others have said too, it's what you make it.

*Ironically we used to worry about unmarried women but unmarried men are really .... kind of useless

Seriously? What a ridiculous statement*

I sort of understand. Dh is divorced and as usual his ex kept their house and therefore the children.

His parents are now focussed on his sister and her children, as there are no restrictions on access. The communicate with dh’s ex a lot to arrange seeing the kids as they provide her childcare.

In the middle of this Dh is kind of left. It’s him that makes the effort to phone or go round as their lives are now based around helping his sister out or childcare for his ex.

But this is the issue with boys. Many seem to see girls as providing the link to future generations. Divorce or similar and they may not see those grandchildren again.

Firstly I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. You feel the way you feel but hopefully those feelings will subside before your lovely little boy arrives.

When I got pregnant with my first I really wanted a little girl, I'm a girl (obviously), my mam is my best friend, I have a sister and niece, and really close friends who all have girls. It was familiarity for me, girls was all I knew and I couldn't relate to a little boy.
When I found out he was a little boy I felt a wave of disappointment, and I too looked mournfully at dresses - not because I want a little doll to dress up but because it represented the little girl I wasn't having. The disappointment was gone within a couple of days.
My little boy is the light of my life, he's my best friend and I adore him more than anything. He's so funny, smart and just beautiful.

We tried for 18mths for number 2 and I'm now 25wks pregnant age 42 so definitely last baby. I assumed baby would be another boy and had a name chosen and planned my 2 little boys being best mates, sharing a room and was so excited. We found out we're actually having a little girl and are still shell shocked 10wks later. Again it's challenged the image I'd created in my head of my 2 boys.
DS (3 next month) was adamant he was having a little sister though and is so excited and has chosen her name.

I am sure that no matter what we will love her just exactly the same as we love our other baby, as will you.

I find the sexism on these threads really upsetting.

Posters saying one or the other is best and slagging the other off. Girls are spiteful selfish bitches. All of them. Right.

Why do people come out with this shit?

OP my mum hates me because I didn't want to be dressed up as a dolly. I'm still trying to come to terms with this in my late 40s. I hope that makes you and all of the others who despise female children on this thread a whole fucking ton better.

No wonder we have such a sexist society when so many women are so utterly entrenched in retrograde stereotypes. Boys are for action and girls are for looking pretty and behaving like total cunts. Awesome.