I'm having another boy

[missivey]

Hello All,

Yesterday I just found out I'm having another baby boy. I already have a 3 year old son.
Iv come here to see if anyone is feeling like me or can relate.
I have been wanting a baby girl from before I had my first son. As soon as I found out Iv been crying and I have this feeling that my heart is broken and one understands me.
It's unlikely il have another baby as cost and living space is a factor.
I sound selfish as many lady's can't have children but I can't help how I feel.
I will love this boy as much as I love my other son but my heart is broken.

I stood there looking at dresses in a shop with my eyes filled up.

I am female. My mother isnt welcome anywhere near my dc

And? You are a daughter and you are controlling the situation, so I don’t see how that conflicts with what I said.

I’m due my second little not any day now. DS is wonderful, so cuddly and sweet and loving. He adores books and we read together for hours. He dislikes getting messy and isn’t boisterous at all. He’s dispelled any preconceived stereotypes I might have had about little boys. Although he is totally obsessed with trains! However, now I’m into trains too!

If DS2 turns out to be a loud, climbing, adventurous mud magnet.... well it’ll be a shock to the system! But that sounds great fun too and DS1 could do with being less cautious at times so maybe DS2 will bring out his adventurous side. Or maybe he’ll be another book loving cuddle bug. Who knows. But I can’t wait to find out. Because at the moment I know nothing more than the fact DS2 has a penis. It tells me absolutely nothing about his personality and who he will be.

I genuinely had no preference re: sex. We had a Down Syndrone scare in the first trimester and that was a real reality check. All I wanted was a healthy baby. However I’ll admit having a tiny (and surprising to me) wobble when I found out it was another boy. Not because I was disappointed in the baby I was having, not at all. But I know this is my last baby and it suddenly hit me that I’d never have a girl. I didn’t even particularly want a girl, but it did feel like a big realisation...... for about 10 minutes. Now I’m really excited about same sex siblings..... let’s just hope this one likes trains 😂

Yep.

Yeah, but her BABY will if he finds out he wasn't her preferred choice of gender. He will if he ever finds out she was "heartbroken" and "thought her life was over" at the thought of having him. Also, when a woman is pregnant the child is always referred to as "the baby/a baby" not "the foetus".

I refer you to my earlier answer upthread.

'Sex disappointment is very common- I'd say most people have a preference. There's nothing at all to suggest that OP is going to resent her baby because of its sex just because she's disappointed at the scan stage. A baby at ultrasound is a very abstract concept and the only thing we really know about it is its sex. This makes the sex of the baby seem like a huge issue. It's the second question people ask a pregnant lady- do you know what you're having? Hormones magnify any little disappointment or sadness beyond all proportion for many women. For the vast, vast majority of mums, once the abstract concept is replaced with the actual baby, they no longer care about its genitals. Odds are that OP will blithely tell her son that she didn't care either way and just wanted a healthy baby, as is the done thing, and he'll go on his merry way none the wiser. If he asks at all, which is doubtful.'

I chose to use the word foetus deliberately to draw attention to the fact OP is not disappointed by her baby. She's disappointed by not getting her idea of a daughter.

I’m glad this thread has served to show the OP that her views are unacceptable.

*To you.

You realise you're being extremely judgemental about people being judgemental?

You realise you're being extremely judgemental about people being judgemental?

Meta-judgemental

ThatBasicWitch I understand what you're saying :)

Gender wouldn't matter to me or my DP after multiple miscarriages. OP please just be thankful you are having a healthy Baby boy. There's many of us on here that would crawl over broken glass to be where you are now

It's hard to be open and honest about these things, as you get comments such as the just be grateful crew, or the ones about miscarriages designed to make you feel guilty. It would be nice to have a safe space where women can talk about how they're feeling without posts such as those, guess that's never going to happen though.

I don't think mentioning miscarriages or infertility is to make the OP feel guilty, but to give her perspective and understand that sex really doesn't matter when you are having a healthy baby.

Of course it is. OP acknowledged she feels guilty for feeling how she does, but as with anything MH related, it's not always logical, and you cannot help how it feels. Does telling others when they're suffering with depression, for example, that others have it worse for perspective help? No. It adds to the burden many feel for already feeling bad because objectively they know they should feel 'grateful'.

the grief is also the relationship you won't have with your grandchildren

Hmm disagree with this one. I know plenty of women with kids where the MIL is the more ‘involved’ grandparent and closer to the grandchildren. I think it depends more on factors like who lives closer or has more time to help should childcare be needed etc. I know women who live hours away from their own mother but round the corner from their MIL.

Op I'm not sure if you are still around as I didn't read past the first page as I find these things always end up with people telling you to just be happy you are having a baby in the same way that depressed people get told to pull their socks up and get on with it. I had gender disappointment with my third pregnancy with a girl. I spent time on a parenting board called baby and bump with a dedicated gender disappointment board. Your feelings are valid, you are grieving something you have lost. If you want to speak to some one who understands and has been in your position please message me. Also please do not let people put you off speaking to a GP if you find it gets unbearable this is your mental health and pregnancy hormones will play a part too.

@Wetweekend99

Op I'm not sure if you are still around as I didn't read past the first page as I find these things always end up with people telling you to just be happy you are having a baby in the same way that depressed people get told to pull their socks up and get on with it. I had gender disappointment with my third pregnancy with a girl. I spent time on a parenting board called baby and bump with a dedicated gender disappointment board. Your feelings are valid, you are grieving something you have lost. If you want to speak to some one who understands and has been in your position please message me. Also please do not let people put you off speaking to a GP if you find it gets unbearable this is your mental health and pregnancy hormones will play a part too.

Grieving? How can you grieve something you've never had to lose? Op hasn't lost anything, she's gaining a second, healthy baby boy! Why would she be grieving the "loss" of a girl when she must have always been aware that there was a 50% chance she would have a boy? It can hardly have come as a massive shock to discover she was having a second boy.

Okay. I took three long years to have DS1 and had DS2 by IVF. I was still disappointed that DS2 was a boy although, as others point out, I was also delighted to have a healthy baby and know how lucky I am to have two healthy DC.

I would have liked a DD. My mother and I have a very close relationship and she’s just been a rock to me while I’ve been pregnant. I know I will never have that relationship with my DS - they can’t become pregnant and I will never support them through a birth.

We are considering making a last-ditch attempt to have a third DC. Obviously, if I was lucky enough to have three healthy DC I would be delighted and feel incredibly fortunate and blessed to have three great kids, but - in the back of my mind - I’m obviously hoping to have a DD.

So, it’s okay to be disappointed by a relationship you never had while, at the same time, being grateful for what you have. These things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I am afraid I don't understand how anyone can be disappointed by the sex of their unborn child.
I have two ds's. They were wonderful.as children and have grown up to be amazing men. They are very different to each other, one loves sports, the other doesn't, one loves things like the ballet and opera, one prefers rock. One is a bit of a petrol head, one just sees a vehicle as a mode of transport that is handy to have. The are both amazing cooks - something they tell me stems from the rimes we spent cooking together when they were little. They are both very caring and look out for me and dh. We have good relationships with their partners and are the first choice childcare for our dgs. So much for not having a relationship with our grandchild as stated by a pp upthread. I dont6knkw how I would have felt had I been told I had given birth to girls rather than boys. But I can say that I cannot imagine having a better or fuller relationship with girls than I do with my sons.

I really don't understand why so many people are getting on their high horse about a complete stranger talking through their feelings. They're feelings, not actions. We all have them, and they don't always make sense. She's only venting, ffs. I really don't understand all this blaming/shaming crap and vitriol.

@Ladybyrd you have a point. But on the other hand it is a little bit ungrateful and silly you don’t have loads of choice it’s the same for us all! Boy or girl.

@Ilovecheese53 I tell you what I think really stinks. When you go into a clothes shop, you have about 259 options on everything for girls, versus about 3 for boys. Except wellies, of course. I don't know, but that's always wound me up.

OP has proper dropped a nuclear bomb of an article with this one 😂 drops this corker, then just sits back and doesn’t respond the whole time, whilst everyone else picks up the pieces and gives their opinion

I had exactly the same thing when I discovered I was having Dd2 and was inconsolable when I found out Dd3 was a girl. But once I had her I wouldn't change it for the world and you'll feel like that when you see him, and as time passes you will think how crazy that you wished your little dude was a girl, because he'll be just perfect for your little family.

@Ladybyrd

I really don't understand why so many people are getting on their high horse about a complete stranger talking through their feelings. They're feelings, not actions. We all have them, and they don't always make sense. She's only venting, ffs. I really don't understand all this blaming/shaming crap and vitriol.

But where would Mumsnet be without the virtue signalling? OP must've missed the memo- actually admitting to imperfection! Rookie error.

I’m sorry you’ve had so many inconsiderate replies OP Some people are far to narrow minded to see past their own experiences.

Your feelings are valid. It’s natural and normal as a woman to want to have that experience of raising a daughter as much as it is for a man to want raise a son! I really don’t understand why others can’t (see past their own nose) understand the basic feelings and longing for this. It doesn’t make a mother ungrateful or unloving for those feelings or mean she won’t love her son it’s just upsetting when you know it’s something you won’t get to experience in life. All the guilt trips about miscarriage and IVF and just ridiculous, rude and dismissive. Your lived experiences don’t get to decided how another should feel! I’m sure the OP is grateful that’s she’s pregnant but she wanted a daughter after having a son... it’s hardly a crime to want a daughter .

Give yourself time to come around to the idea OP and try to think of all the positives of having two boys and the bond the will have growing up. You never know down the line you might try for another and have a daughter.

Hi OP I feel exactly the same, I know it’s terrible but I’m really quite devastated that I’m having 2 boys after years and years of trying and these being my only children it’s possible for me to have. Only found out the other day and have actually struggled to cope since...

@BuffyFanForever I'd have preferred two boys to one of each, I think, just for ease. When they're teens they'll be able to share a hotel room so you can have your own, you can save money on clothes for the second one, they're more likely to share interests which should make holidays and days out easier to plan, they're likely to play together until a later age... The advantages to two the same are pretty big. I've got one of each, but didn't find out before the birth of my second so haven't really had time to dwell on it. And obviously I love my little boy and wouldn't trade him.