Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 6

[Treaclepie19]

New thread!

How are you doing @MOGMOGMOG85 ?

Had midwife today and all is well. Scan next week to see if the placenta is in the way and to see just how massive this baby is now.

Quick update - sorry everyone I have not kept up with this at all, but I am thinking of those of you yet to deliver!

Errol moved from the higher dependency unit to the special care unit today (lower level) and moved out of his incubator into a cot. We dressed him in his first clothes and had to get tiny baby clothes for him as newborns just drown him - it actually broke my heart a bit to see how small he is (as in to have it pointed out by the clothes, of course I can see him!) its hard to tell what is "normal" in the scbu as some of them are just heartbreakingly small.

I had a big meltdown today. When they moved him into the new unit they dressed him in vest, baby grow, giant cardigan (basically a woolly blanket) and 3 massive thick blankets on top. By the time I got to him he was bright red like a beetroot and seemed upset. I took his cardie off and one of the blankets but then didn't want to leave as I'm so anxious about his temperature. I think it's just been a shock him coming out of his incubator and then I felt anxious that the nurses had let him overheat. Now I'm anxious that he will be cold because of me.

The new unit feels big and impersonal and there is no screening available for when i get my boobs out and people wandering everywhere. I don't particularly mind people seeing my boobs but the general lack of privacy for our new family is starting to get to me on day 9. My partner is a very private person and I don't feel he is bonding well with baby Errol. Don't get me wrong he loves him dearly its just he is not himself when he is not home if that makes sense... I know these are just temporary issues and he will be home soon.

For some reason I hate leaving baby Errol in this new ward - I felt he was safe in his incubator and now I worry.

I was also supposed to start breastfeeding today, but Errol is still tube feeding, and he is not hungry! He goes to my breast and then he just looks at it, or licks it! My nipples dont even go pointy because it is warm in there and there is zero stimulation for them so basically its just him and my soft nipple staring at each other in a stand off. Meanwhile I'm supposed to be pumping 8 times a day and it has just been impossible today whilst repeatedly trying and failing to get him on the breast. I'm so disheartened because he was rooting so well at first before he was being tube fed, I feel like I've been robbed of his natural reflexes - although obviously for a good reason and nobodies fault it still upsets me.

Pumping had just got better this morning as well when I managed to get 40ml for the first time. And now after only 3 pumping sessions in a day its gone back down to 10ml. Everything feels like such a struggle, spending all day in the hospital trying to fit around Errols care regime and with so many different nurses giving me different advice. Last night I slept through the night for the first time since my section (I know it is a luxury to sleep through the night) but I gave myself a night off from pumping and allowed myself to finally rest, only to be told off by a nurse this morning that it was the wrong thing to do.

Sorry for the downer - it is so wonderful he is here, and he is safe, and I love him so so so so much, but not being able to bring him home is breaking me... just a little bit, and just for now.

Sorry I haven't read anyones updates I will have to do that later - going back to the hospital now to shove my breast in his face again, wish me luck xxxx

Oh @MOGMOGMOG85 that sounds so terribly stressful for you. Honestly your mummy resolve is really being put to the test but this will all be a distant memory soon enough and you will have baby Errol home and be settled into all the things that you were so looking forward to with becoming a mother.

Have the midwives given you any proper assistance with the breastfeeding/latching? I understand he is being tube fed but he is learning this process also and I'd assume they could provide some useful guidance. This won't be the first time they will have assisted a new mother in your position. Have you tried nipple shields at all? I know others that these have helped with getting initial latch. Maybe as some are shaped firmer so easy for them to find with their mouths. 🤷‍♀️

Don't feel any guilt for sleeping. It is obviously much needed right now. I've also been told not to skip night feeds when I suggested pumping for my DH to take one of one night ones. I gather this is due to our supply being stronger at night. But one night off isn't going to be that damaging. It's supply and demand and just stick with the pumping and you will be able to build that up again. Honestly in first few days I couldn't hand express anything at all. Still struggle with it. My pumping quota is only starting to go up on day 10 now as I started to do a little more after realising the one feed I was pumping daily wasn't enough for him anymore. But the more you do it the more it will stimulate. Have you a hospital grade pump? I know others mentioned already having invested in these to help boost supply.

@MOGMOGMOG85 pumping is a total ball ache abs not a true reflection of your milk supply.
I'd suggest asking for some screens or somewhere you can go for privacy. Your let down will be easier if you are more relaxed and have some cover. So they not have curtains round each area? Skin to skin is so powerful to get everything synced. Again privacy is needed for this.

Also baby Errol needs to learn as much as you do. That's something I always forget. They are tiny and don't know what to do but it will come as it is instinct. Have faith in yourself as you are doing amazingly and focus on the thought that your unique milk is going to help him so much. I don't mean pressure yourself but I mean be proud that you are doing this incredibly hard but wonderful thing as a mum. (The first of many hard and wonderful things you will do as a mum).
We are all proud of you.

I'm awake as had a horrible row with DH last night and I'm a bit emotional now and can't sleep. Been awake since 2am and dreading having to parent all day tomorrow. Practise for the future though! We rarely row at all but it upsets me a lot when we do. Feel like my last weeks of my last ever pregnancy are being spoiled and I just want to enjoy them and be looked after.

thanks @AnxiousLady1 and @footprintsintheslow - i need to ask for proper assistance to get him latching as I'm sinking on my own. last night i was so depressed about it - nights are not my happy time as I'm a morning person so i feel better today.

I'm thinking i might bottle feed him - just to get him home. priority is getting the tube out and getting home. i can keep pumping and we can keep trying with the breast in our own time. being in hospital whilst grappling with all this is the absolute worst xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 Nights in hospitals are the worst. No matter how well things are going. Do what you need to do to get him home. If that's formula then just do it. Main thing is he's fed and he won't care once he's a full belly. Xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 as @AnxiousLady1 says the nights in hospital are awful. I only did two nights but I was in bits both nights as DS would not settle and I got no sleep. In the end I gave him a bottle on the second night and it was the first bit of sleep I got. From then on he was combo fed and is now exclusively FF due to me being ill and his tongue tie. I felt and still feel huge guilt about not giving him more than a couple of weeks breast milk but as others have told me, the important thing is that he’s fed, not where it comes from and if you need to top up, do it. DS started piling on the weight once we started using more formula.

I felt much better once I got home and I wasn’t dealing with everything you are. Don’t forget you’ve had a major operation too. I’m amazed they can’t put a screen up for you or let you go to a private room to express. Hope you have. A better night tonight and things feel better tomorrow.

Saw this and thought of you @MOGMOGMOG85 not sure if it's of any use.

How is everyone doing? X

I'm having a scan tomorrow afternoon to find out if I'm having a c section or not. Baby is very very active so there's one less worry.

How is everyone else?

@footprintsintheslow

I'm having a scan tomorrow afternoon to find out if I'm having a c section or not. Baby is very very active so there's one less worry.

How is everyone else?

Me too!! Im not sure which answer I want...

I'm fine but very very uncomfortable now, this baby seems to be massive

How are you and Errol doing @MOGMOGMOG85? Better I hope xxx

How about you @Rachael321, are you feeling all better after your op now?

@Whiffle77 what time do you go for the scan? Mine is at 2:30. Shall we convene after to compare giant babies, placenta position and c section status?

Good luck!

Do let us know how you get on with scans today. I'm 2 weeks post section today and all seems to have recovered well (bruising mostly disappeared, fully mobile, no longer taking painkillers). Milk came in on day 3 and as of today baby has officially exceeded birth weight. So just wanted to give some positive experience with planned sections. x

[quote footprintsintheslow]@Whiffle77 what time do you go for the scan? Mine is at 2:30. Shall we convene after to compare giant babies, placenta position and c section status?

Good luck![/quote]
Mines at 2! Yes definitely, good luck for yours!

Thanks @AnxiousLady1, appreciate it - that does sound all really positive! Im torn about what outcome I want today, its daunting whatever the answer! Glad you have had such a good recovery

@AnxiousLady1 thanks ever so much that's great to know. Congratulations on the birth weight. How's the feeding going?

The c section decision is out of my hands so I'm glad I don't have to make a decision really. Just sat in the waiting room now so will update when I know.

@footprintsintheslow I had various "complications" that cropped up during the section and I feel really grateful that I didn't go into natural labour, as if I had, those minor complications could have been significantly worse. Decision was taken out of my hands also due to baby boys position. He just wouldn't budge.

Feeding is going well enough at this stage. My milk supply seems good and based on weight gain and nappy frequency they are happy he is getting enough. I am still struggling off and on with discomfort. 50% of the time I use shields. But they have checked the latch every time they visit and are happy it's good. They think the discomfort is more to do with frequency of the feeding/expressing and it will ease off after time. Night feeds are still a little tough but only in the trying to keep myself awake while feeding in bed 🙈

Baby all fine but doesn't look like they have a route to come out so will be booked in for a c section late next week probably.
Thats how I feel too @AnxiousLady1, she said if I was really anti c section they could wait and see but then there is a good chance of it still not happening and having to have an emergency c section etc. But she wouldn't recommend that as baby is not engaged at all and I'm 38 weeks tomorrow. Feel a bit disappointed but at the same time there is a lot of benefits to a section
The feeding is what I am most worried about, as im concerned my milk won't come in if I haven't gone into labour - good to hear that you are managing it!
Hope you have got on ok @footprintsintheslow

I mean I dont want to go into labour and have complications/still need an emergency c section etc - like you say it would make something minor more serious. So tired and not formulating sentences properly!!

@Whiffle77 just to echo what @AnxiousLady1 said, my milk came in around day 3 too, and I seemed to have enough colustrum before that to keep him going despite him being born at 37+5 by c section. Sadly I’ve had to give up breast feeding but that was more to do with his tongue tie and my nipples being too sore than my supply. I tried expressing but had some other issues so decided to give it up.

I have to say that even a couple of days after the section I felt ok. Sore and tender and I had to take it very easy but I could move around ok as long as I was gentle. I’m 3 and a half weeks on now and despite getting an infection in my incision, I’m feeling pretty good. It’s much less sore, I’ve been out for half an hour walks and aside from being careful how much I lift, I feel almost back to normal. I’m sure you’ll be fine afterwards and I have to say that the actual operation itself was great, very relaxed and organised and from start to finish was only about half an hour.

Thanks @Shefliesonherownwings that's really helpful! Its really good to hear some positive stories of both feeding and recovery after a section. Im trying to focus on all the positives, and planning to just hibernate once they are here anyway so hopefully it will be all good! Just crazy to think how close it is to them being here now

@Whiffle77 when I was leaving the hospital, one midwife who was super lovely, told me to just stay upstairs with the baby for the first week. She said to minimise going up and down stairs as much as possible because although you might feel ok, you’ll still have all the internal stitches as well as the external which you need to be very careful with. I didn’t do this and probably overdid it which I suspect was the cause of my infection. So if you can hibernate and take it nice and easy, you’ll be grand.

@MOGMOGMOG85 hope your doing ok, and both making progress. You have been through such a tough journey, hopefully your coming out the other side now.

@Whiffle77 I too had to have an “Emergancy” section. I was induced, but my body didn’t want to go into labour and my cervix wouldn’t open, which just caused so many complications. I had to decide whether I had a section or keep trying the induction. I had my birth reflection session last week with the hospital, and I said even though I was anti section, it was the best decision I made. It was so calm, the staff where amazing during, and the midwifes afterwards where so helpful. I was worried about living on my own, recovery, and looking after Paige. But I just listened to my body, managed my pain relief, did as little as possible. It took a few days, but then I felt a lot better. By the end of the week, I could go for walks, and 2/3 weeks later I was back to housework. 4 weeks I could drive again. I also worried about the scar, and it’s so neat, and you can hardly tell it’s there. You just have to listen to your body, and you can have lots of cuddles whilst you recover. I found the knowing what was going on, better for my mental health and anxiety too. I would recommend getting some high waisted kickers, and clothes, as I found that anything lower aggregated my dressing / scar.

Good luck to everyone having babies soon xx

So scan went well yesterday, baby is still big, currently 5lb at 32 weeks.
They still think the placenta is in the way ever so slightly. I'll have another scan in 2 weeks to check again and if it is I'll be booked in for a section at 39 weeks.

I feel ok about it all as it's not in my hands at all. But I do feel like I know nothing about c sections or recovery or breastfeeding afterwards. Does anyone know if breastfeeding is affected in any way?

@footprintsintheslow I know they will tell you it's not effected in any way but others in this group might have different experience. From my perspective it didn't have any impact. Baby went straight on the breast within 30 mins of delivery and has been EBF since. My milk came in on day 3. Until then he was happy with whatever colustrum I produced. I didn't hand express beforehand or anything like that as I was advised against it (in case it sent me into early labour). So I'd convinced myself it wouldn't work! Even that first night in hospital I couldn't hand express anything but they told me he was obviously feeding fine as he was producing enough wet and dirty nappies. My friend had a section within a couple of weeks of me and has also not had any issues with feeding or milk supply. I think in a lot of cases issues with breastfeeding are linked more to tongue tie, latch confusion etc rather than the method of delivery.

@AnxiousLady1 I had a Csection, and my milk didn’t come in. But I didn’t try, as I wasn’t planning on BF due to medication, so this could have had an impact. As others have said they’ve had no issues. The lady next to me had a CS and she was BF fine. Any questions regarding the CS feel free to ask.