8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

@PopsicleHustler Maman is french for mum. I just assumed that the country she is living in is France from her username.

Considering I studied French in school and did quite well, I feel very silly right now hahaha. But I was somewhere along the lines of perhaps French or Spanish @godsowncountry hope you're well

@PopsicleHustler to be honest the only reason I knew is through my current spending problem in jojo for baby clothes 😂 xx

I thought it was mere hahaha. Well maman can be another erm in French for mum. After all there is mama, mum, mummy, mother and so on.

Now the thing is, he's done this a few times in recent months and since I know he annoyingly has a point, I have actively avoided doing it, or put the phone in flight mode first. But I wasn't going to let him try to embarrass me in front of everyone. So I answered, again in front of everyone:

"Yes, and if I listened to you, I'd still be lying at the foot of my stairs with a broken ankle and unable to ring the paramedics. My phone is actually on flight mode (ok, tiny white lie) so give it a bloody REST, will you?"

Did you really say this to someone in front of other people, while staying as a guest in their house and while they're doing you an enormous favour?!

Ffs. Give the woman a break will ya.
If you have read the thread, you will know that she has been putting up with this shit for years. Why the hell would she ? It is time she learned to stick up for herself and she is doing so. Good for her !
Also if you have RTFT you would know that she is having a well deserved mini break with her DH.
For the love of God just let her enjoy it will you ?
Hi Daises, 😇=me.

I have read the thread and I actually think it's quite upsetting to see all these posters encouraging the OP to be increasingly rude and hostile to people who she needed. Hopefully they'll still be there in another crisis, because she's pretty screwed if not. But hey, posters got their entertainment and their 'you go girl!' secondhand empowerment and it's not their family dynamics they wrecked or them who acted like a child in front of friends, so who cares, right?

So your MIL, who you openly admit is running herself ragged looking after you and everyone else is so dreadful that you post every detail of your life with her over the last few weeks. You have no issue leaving your son with her while you go on a spa break, despite her terrible attitude towards you. To be honest OP, your MIL sounds like someone who would give you the shirt off her back if you needed one. She probably does present as overbearing in her enthusiasm to give it but that doesn't negate the value of the gift.

You are lucky to have been well looked after these last few weeks and to be able to go off on your spa break with guaranteed child care which you KNOW will be filled with love and care. Count your blessings.

notthemum why have you become so invested in this whole thread? Your maman's #1 cheerleader. Yes the OP is having a rough time in some ways but this thread is so nasty about her ILs. I think there are 2 sides to this as with all stories.

No one has wrecked the OPs family dynamics.
Normal women who will not put up with horrendous shit have stood up for her and supported her where they can.
If your opinion which you are perfectly entitled to is that the OP is basically an ungrateful cow then why bother to come on at all? Thank goodness for all the supportive posters who either have experience of this or just want to add a friendly word. Hope the OP doesn't take to heart the rubbish spouted by some miserable sods who are just looking for another victim to have a go at .
Best wishes, hope you feel better soon and that you have someone around should you need them 💐

Worried mummy.
Something just clicked in my head when I read the OPs original post. Sounded to me as though she was very down and needed a little support.
As I have said previously this is supposed to be a forum for people to get support and often it is. Sometimes things are said which may appear a little harsh but thankfully most people seem able to judge whether or not a post is for fun or genuinely asking for a bit of understanding or even just to have somewhere to rant and rave for a bit. There is nothing wrong with any of this but I am a definite advocate against bullying and this does seem to be a bit of a thing at the moment. Anyway hope that answers your question as unfortunately I have to get back to RL for a while.

I have lots of sympathy for the OP - which is, as I said, why it's quite upsetting to see her being pushed into acting more and more brattishly essentially for the entertainment of other posters. Her situation - heavily pregnant and has a toddler, broken foot, husband who is clearly an arse - is really shit, and she absolutely needs sympathy for that. What she doesn't need, and no one needs, is to be told that she's therefore the only person that matters, that she can treat other people however she wants and that her in-laws should not just wait on her hand and foot but be grateful to do it. She's completely lost sight of what is normal - I was open-mouthed that she thought it was ok to insist on a weekend away and so her in-laws doing solo childcare for the weekend after all they'd already done - and that, actually, her situation is crap but no one else owes her anything as a result of this. I think the reason she's lost sight of this are the cheerleaders on this thread, and I really think that their online entertainment has caused real-life damage and they don't care.

It's clear to all that you are desperately having a ridiculous dig at me.
Longtime since I've been referred to as anything like a cheerleader but yay, I'll take that, just obviously not in the vein in which you meant it 😉.
I don't believe that anyone is stupid enough to think that strangers on an anonymous forum will have such an effect on a grown woman that she would put her marriage on the line to keep them amused. Nor do I believe that the OP has in any way behaved 'brattily' she really isn't 19 you know.
I would not ever suggest that someone did this. However due to a lifetime of having to deal with bullies mainly professionally and seeing the distress and problems they cause I will continue to stand up for the bullied.
I came on the thread originally to give support to the OP and she has been happy with it and I will continue to do so.
The only thing that I don't give flying fuck about are those people who continue to berate others when there really is no need.
As I said you are entitled to your opinion, all the rest of the posters are entitled to theirs. So please have enough respect to allow them to have this. If you've bothered to read this far thank you, if not I really don't care.
Shan't engage with you any more as I feel this is getting rather tiresome and work is considerably more interesting.
Thanks so much for your input though

(sigh)
Not sure anyone's actually been encouraging her to ruin her family dynamics. In my case, it's the exact opposite, she's here to have a vent then she can smile and nod irl. She has openly acknowledged how much her PILs have done for them, and how much strain mil, in particular, is under. But she's been putting up with their controlling undermining batshittery for years! And right now, she's under a fair bit of mental load herself. Her DH understands this, I'm getting tired of explaining of explaining that this isn't good vs bad. It's about supporting someone who is having a tough time right now.
Hi, notthemum

Hurrah. Hi Daises, where you been ?
Glad you're here. Trying to explain seems such hard work.
Hope Maman had a fab time.
Cheerleader indeed 🤔 😂😂😂

Me? I've been off having cheerleader lessons

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Wow, I disappear off for five minutes and a bunfight breaks out.

First up: PopsicleHustle thanks for your lovely, kind comments and well done for getting to the end of my long ramblings in once piece! Given the way the thread has turned in the last 24 hours, I'm a little reluctant to answer your questions in detail, but yes, I'm British and the name Maman is indeed a nod to the language of my adopted country. So it could be France or Belgium Five kids eh... I've told DH the shop is shut once DC2 arrives next month.

Now to the other posts.

A one-time colleague and continuing mentor once taught me the adage 'Never apologise, never explain'. It's extreme, but does remind me when needed that, actually, I don't have to justify myself to strangers on an anonymous forum, who could just be here because they enjoy kicking people when they're down. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case here, but I do take exception to people having a go at those who have provided unflinching and much-needed care and support to me over these last two weeks. My 'cheerleaders' have been on here at all times of day and night, just checking I'm ok, when nobody else could or would. That to me is a sign of true friendship and generosity of spirit, yet they don't know me from Adam. In many ways, I regret that MN is anonymous as I can't show them my gratitude in such a way as I would like or that they deserve. It's hardly been "egging me on" or being over-invested. It's just being kind. And I'm sure they'll still be here long after more recently arrived posters have moved on to other threads.

Of course there are 2 sides to every story, but as I've said before, I can only speak from my own perspective. My PILs can be lovely, but they can equally be extremely difficult and I have spent a lot of time and money with my therapist in the past trying to cope with juxtaposing the two extremes. It's my problem and I have to learn to manage it, I get that. What I don't have to put up with is being singled out for criticism in front of a room of my friends simply to make the accuser look superior. That is bullying, no matter whose house it is, and I've put up with it for YEARS. Enough is enough. Taken out of context, as it was in hardbackwriter's post, does make it sound shocking, but I've been publicly insulted by my PILs in so many different peoples' houses over the years that the location no longer makes any difference. They do it wherever suits. In fact, the only reason this has gone on so long is because I've NOT answered them back - I was brought up to respect my elders. Perhaps now that I've stood up to him, FIL will stop treating me like a pushover in front of others. If he has a problem with me, he's perfectly entitled to express it in private, but not in public like last week.

I would vehemently disagree with hardbackwriter that DH is an arse - he has his moments like everyone else, and has in the past been a bit blind or just silent where his parents are concerned, but our conversations over the last 2 days have confirmed to me that arse, he is not. He has an extraordinary capacity to see things for what they are, and frequently amazes me with his level of emotional intelligence. I can say without any doubt whatsoever that myself and our soon to be 2 DC, are his absolute priority in life, as we should be. I probably would never have doubted it last week had I not been quite so hormonal and in considerable psychological distress. True, he didn't come to the hospital last week but that was because he was 800 miles away, with no car or available flights, and I lied to him in order to keep him away. He told me on Sunday that he'd have bloody walked here had he known the truth about why I'd been kept in.

dodo If you have actually RTFT then you will know that I am, and have been throughout, exceptionally grateful to my PILs for taking me in. I have been counting my blessings from the word go - I said from the outset that I didn't think they really wanted me here but agreed to help anyway because of DH. You're right in that my MIL would give me the shirt off her back, but knowing her as I do, I expect she wouldn't be able to resist handing it over and not saying something like 'Here you go, but it'll look shit on you because you're overweight'. THAT has been the crux of the entire problem and indeed this thread. How do you reconcile yourself with such generosity, particularly over a long period of time, when it's accompanied by insults, condescension and constant undermining of your opinions, wishes and parental decisions? If you know, please share - my therapist is €240 an hour, after all.

As to the accusations of my PILs being 'good enough to leave DS with' to bugger off on a spa weekend, I can see why people think it seems highly hypocritical of me, but they are in fact missing a critical point. Leaving DS with his GPs for a day or two is actually the solution that best keeps the peace and enables us to maintain a working PIL-DIL relationship. I have never denied that they are wonderful grandparents, and DS loves them very, very much. I would be a bitch of the highest degree, not to mention a terrible mother, to deprive them - and him - of their relationship just because I struggle to be around them for longer than a day or two. The fact I went off to 'pamper' myself on a spa weekend has zero bearing on this. They adore having DS to themselves as they're able to spoil him properly, without feeling like they have to answer or defer to me - which as you will have gathered from previous posts, they don't enjoy. They can spoon-feed him to their hearts' content while I'm not here, and that is fine by me.

As it happens, DH and I got back from the spa today and everyone is much happier. We have all had time and space away from each other, which is exactly what was needed, and the whole point of us going away. It wasn't just about me selfishly going a hotel for a dip in the jacuzzi and sauna (which, I might add, I can't do anyway with my leg in plaster) - it was recognition of the fact that we've got almost another week to go and they needed as much of a break from my company as I needed from theirs. I think I didn't make this clear enough in previous posts, but there we are. The PILs got to enjoy DS to themselves for a whole 48 hours without his nagging mother complaining that they NEVER take his bloody hat with him to the beach while DH and I got to have the privacy we needed for an important discussion about our relationship. And yes, fine, I had a massage and a facial while I was there, but given that I'm now 35+5 and have another 10 days before I can get the plaster off, I hope nobody would begrudge me just a little quiet time to myself.

To @notthemum and @pickingdaisies, my wonderful cheerleaders. I'm sorry about the shit you've had to put up with on my behalf. It's not fair on you after they way you've supported me and had my back these last 2 weeks. I'm so glad you're better at dealing with it than I would have been! Happy to pass around tin hats wherever needed though!

How do you reconcile yourself with such generosity, particularly over a long period of time, when it's accompanied by insults

You stop accepting the gifts. You don't take them and then complain and you certainly don't allow your children to watch the insults fly.

Glad you're OK honey, don't worry about the crap I've definitely had worse.
I blame Daises, she's a bad influence that one. You wanna watch her. Sleep well.
Will be in touch from the cheerleaders changing room soon 😂😂😂😂

I can't believe you've actually got yourself to the point where you sincerely believe that you and DH booking yourself a weekend away without even asking them if they'll babysit and just assuming they will is you doing them a massive favour.

Donda, there is already a post somewhere where I've said this is not possible. I have TRIED. Refusing help actually makes things worse. For example, if we (note the plural) were to get outside help to come and look after DS when I give birth, I'd get (note the singular) no end of grief because they're insisting that they come to do it. But then I'm (singular) made to feel beholden for the favour. This is the cycle.

It reminds me of the time I got accused of treating my MIL like a housemaid because she'd done all of the ironing (was actually happy to do it myself but sorry, I was still asleep at 6.30am). So the next time there was a pile of clean laundry to iron, I went and removed mine and DS's clothes so that I could do them myself and not have any accusations of laziness flung at me. She actually cried because I wasn't letting her iron DS's clothes and, to paraphrase, said I was 'depriving her of being a grandmother'.

Still didn't let her do the ironing. But hopefully it demonstrates how I genuinely can't do right for doing wrong.

The irony is, my cheerleaders are being accused of egging me on, and yet they're the ones who 'get it'. I hadn't planned to pull out yet more old stories like this, but I've no other way of explaining that my/my cheerleaders' detractors have no idea of the true context of my relationship with my PILs. Most likely I'll now get accused of MIL-bashing for telling it. Ironic, no?

It's far simpler just to let me have had the rant I needed two weeks ago. Right now I'm feeling stronger and better equipped to deal with the remaining few days, thanks to those who were there for me at my lowest point. The PILs and I have had a couple of days' break from each other and right now things are fine, so I intend to leave the sleeping dogs as they are.

Going forward, I appreciate that the vast majority of posters having genuinely been trying to help, but long term, there are only so many ways to handle this kind of relationship. These may include:

1. cut the PILs off (not possible, I've tried.)
2. stand up to them (am now being told off by pp for having done just that)
3. say as little as possible in so as to not provoke any arguments and instead turn to an anonymous online forum to let off steam (may sound familiar)
4. say absolutely nothing to anyone, get trodden into the ground/psychologically damaged and then allow yourself to get bullied/insulted for the rest of your life, while your DC grow up thinking it's acceptable behaviour (not keen)
5. Remove yourself from the situation (spa weekend, anyone?) in order to limit the time you spend together, thus just about managing to maintain some sort of relationship.

5b) Remember this is MN and you've got a cat in hell's chance of pleasing everyone!

@Hardbackwriter

I can't believe you've actually got yourself to the point where you sincerely believe that you and DH booking yourself a weekend away without even asking them if they'll babysit and just assuming they will is you doing them a massive favour.

And the day begins.

Hardback, I'd have been perfectly happy to take DS with us. He's my son and the centre of my world. Just because it was our wedding anniversary doesn't exclude him from that. In fact, he came with us to a posh restaurant for our anniversary dinner last year even though it was far from the kind of place that usually accepts 2 year olds. He could have come and DH taken him to the beach while I had my total hour and a half of treatments.

I can see how you may have reached your conclusions but I don't agree that we were doing them a favour in leaving DS. They offered, and were thrilled to have their grandson to themselves for 48 hours. It would have been spiteful to turn them down and imply that we don't trust them with him, which is not the case.

They drive me nuts, but they love my son and don't see him half as often as they would like because of the distance. Lockdown has meant they've seen even less of him this year. But sure, I'll take him away again for the weekend just to score a point.

I have absolutely no doubt that you'll disagree with me, so we can continue this theme or not, as you choose.

You've clearly got yourself totally entrenched in one position where no matter what you're the victim and I feel really, genuinely sorry for you. I'll leave you to your thread of people telling you exactly what you want to hear and having a jolly old socialise while they do it, but I still don't think that's what you need even if it is what you want.

Perfect, thanks!