8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

@peachsquish Your incredibly wrong as I’ve had many toxic and even abusive relationships with family. I just think when someone’s going massively out their way to help you can grit your teeth and nod now and again.

I agree @UranusAttacks

I would love to be able to grit my teeth and spend time on my my parents company but 2/4 hours with them takes me 3/4 weeks to get over. All posters project their own experiences and issues onto threads it's what humans do.

Despite a lot of therapy and hard work on my part I am not emotionally resilient so I emphasise with the op very very much. I would not be coping in those circumstances and whilst I would recognise just how much the ILs we're doing I would be acutely aware of every dig and criticism and would be a complete wreck.

TBF I wouldn't have gone!

Whilst I generally agree that you shouldn't say anything that you wouldn't say to the person I'm assuming that none of you have EVER been on ANY of the threads that ask what you would like to say to xxx in RL if you could. I however would be prepared to do that should the need or opportunity arise.
I hate it when someone starts a thread and people bash them for the sake of it. Unless I feel that they really deserve it I wouldn't offer an opinion that may upset them. If you don't want to support someone don't. But don't go on their thread to give them shit about stuff you don't know anything about, why not just ignore it? Perhaps there are issues in your own lives that you can't or don't want to discuss and it makes you feel better to have a go at someone who has the guts to put down how they feel. If this is the case I feel sorry for you. Not everyone has someone in RL that they can talk to. If I really don't feel that I can support someone who is struggling then I do not contribute.

Jesus Maman, I hope you have a hard hat as I fear you are going to need it today.
Take NO NOTICE of anyone trying to give you a hard time.
Try and have a good day. Only two more days till you go away. Just keep that in your head.
And despite what some people think they would do faced with the situation they probably wouldn't.
Remember that MOST of us have your back and are here if you need us.
MN Mum 💐

Thanks @notthemum, @RandomMess, @pickingdaisies, @umberta, @Boscoismyspiritanimal and everyone who has given ongoing support throughout what have been a very, very difficult few days. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I wouldn't have got through it without you and the other posters who dropped in to offer advice and support.

Physically speaking, the last 4 weeks have been the hardest time of my life - I do realise that it's not all that bad and that I'm clearly very lucky to have not had any serious health crises in my lifetime - but that's the truth. I can't escape that. And I would say that when you're physically struggling, it's much harder to keep up your mental strength too.

I come on MN because I'm fascinated by other people's experiences and I've learned so much about life in general. I've learned how to be a better parent, what I should and should not be expecting in/from my relationships, and how to empathise better with people with different lives, experiences and backgrounds. It's a real eye opener. You often see people on here crying out in pain, victims of violence and abusive partners. Other times you see people who have no idea how to get help or just need to let off some steam about a difficult situation. All of these are valid and legitimate reasons to post, and I personally don't judge or criticise anyone on here for saying what they feel they need to say. Not even the trolls, but that's just because I don't like confrontation.

I was certainly in the latter camp, needing to let off steam, and again, that in my book is allowed. The thread turned into a bit of a journal because my lovely MN support team named above were kindly checking in on me daily. By reporting back, I was able to see that I was getting stronger mentally and coming out of my 'crisis' on the other side. Talking about other people's behaviours helped me get things off my chest, but also allowed me to better understand the dynamics of the different relationships in this house, which will help me to improve relationships with everyone in the long term. The PILs and I are very different people, but we have to get along for my DH and DS's sake after all. Sometimes it may have come across as me crowing, but let's just say after years of feeling like you're losing, it's too easy to fall into the trap of celebrating an apparent victory, no matter how tiny.

There is nothing on here that I haven't already discussed with my PILs in real life, with the exception of these last 2 weeks. Once again, they helped us out massively by having me and DS to stay, and it wouldn't have helped anyone for me to thank them by kicking off and throwing it back in their faces. I was genuinely struggling under their care and had nowhere to go for help, not even for a sounding board. I had nobody I could confide in, or speak to anonymously for advice. So I turned to trusty MN.

I'm very aware of the fact that you can't please everyone and you always risk getting a bashing on MN, whatever you do. That's the risk you take when you leave a post, and it can often be hard to swallow when, like me, you're not particularly thick-skinned. But I've come to terms with the idea that it doesn't really matter what people on here choose to think of me, or the perception they've formed of me, because as a pp said this morning, nobody on here knows us personally and they certainly don't have the full backstory to go by. That doesn't mean I'm not aware of the fact that I'm very likely be part of the problem; I'm sure that I probably am. I've had enough therapy in the past to be able to take constructive criticism on board and look abstractly at my own behaviour. I would just say that don't believe that I am the ONLY part of the problem in this story. Myself, DH, MIL and FIL have all had our different roles to play.

On that note, to my lovely MN Mum, rest assured that I have indeed got my tin hat on today! Part of the battle this week has been trying to let negativity run right off my back and not let it get to me. And right now, it's working. Perhaps that's an invitation for other posters to come and have a pop, or tell me again that I'm an ungrateful cow, but there we are! All I can say is, if ever the above named posters need any help or advice, I hope I'll still be around to help them as they've helped me. Mine was a genuine cry for help and they've been absolutely wonderful. I can never thank you enough

Still here for you my lovely. I really don't like the twisting of meaning of not posting anything you wouldn't say to someone's face. That's to tackle online bullying. You don't say something on an anonymous forum to someone that you wouldn't say to their face, because it's cruel. Venting on Mumsnet so you can keep your sanity in real life is Not. The. Same. Thing. We all know that. You also seem to be pretty understanding of your Mil's position, and pretty self-aware too. For what it's worth, I'm on crutches right now recovering from a broken ankle, I can't even imagine being 8 months pregnant too...

Good for you honey
And helpful posters.
As for the others f**k em. 😉

😘😘😘 to you both!

All good here. Feeling strangely empowered - it's never happened before and I wonder if it's not down to you guys helping me stay strong. At lunch today, DH brought me an ice cream and I asked if he'd swap it for another flavour. MIL remarked that I was being a pain in the arse. I replied 'YEP. And I'm bloody allowed to be, I'm eight months pregnant.'

She retorted that I wasn't allowed, but I didn't care - I was too thrilled to find that I didn't give a single fuck what she said or thought. Finally!!!

Talking it over briefly with DH afterwards, he said she'd been joking, and I get that. The difference is when I'm joking or teasing someone, I do it with a smile and a wink. She doesn't, so I take it to heart. And that is a major part of the problems between us: she has no filter/delicateness, and I take her comments far too literally and personally. I do intend to work on that - although I'd add that it's sometimes hard not to take offence to some of the things she's said, as I've detailed previously.

Yes, it still grates that she'll tell me to leave DS alone when I'm trying to teach him a new word, or thinks she understands his speech better than I do, but that's my problem to deal with. We'll be back home in 9 days, there will be 300 lovely miles between us and these long three weeks will be a distant and never to be repeated memory.

Slightly scary moment earlier when the anticoagulant jab nurse came. She asked me a question about the baby so I just passed her the notes the doctor sent me home with yesterday. It was only afterwards that I noticed the paper said "hospitalised on x dates for 'anaemia' (real reason protection from family)'. Thank GOD nobody else had seen it!!! Apart from our friend the lovely A&E nurse, who I'd told quietly that 'things were a little tense last week.' She's not daft and I trust her completely to keep it to herself. But shit, that was close. Will be more careful from now on.

MIL wants to take DS out with her to the market tomorrow morning so I'm going to have a nice lie in and pack a bag for our spa weekend, which starts tomorrow afternoon. SO thrilled to have a bit of time away from here! I'll miss DS but am looking forward to being somewhere DH and I can just please ourselves, talk openly and relax. Not to mention the facial and massage I've got booked... it's going to be all the more welcome after the last few days!

PS daisies hadn't realised that! What happened?

Sorry random, there are of course 😘😘😘 for you too!

Your last post made me smile. Two days with my parents and I'm calling my therapist for an appointment. But at least I'm able to speak my mind with (at) them and tell them to sod off when necessary.

DH would say I can do the same with his parents, but I obviously don't feel I can. He's so lucky to have everyone singing his praises and blowing wind up his arse that he doesn't have a clue what IL relationships can really be like.

Bio-mum says I need to show him some old Les Dawson videos... 🤷‍♀️

That's my girl.
Well done Maman. Roll on tomorrow.
You are doing fab. Just a little longer.
Tonight's stash. 🍫🍨🍦💐
MN Mum

Tripped up when I was out running, easy as that. I had to rely on DH for everything in the early weeks, so I know how helpless and frustrated you are feeling. And exhausted, which other people won't understand. The body uses all your energy to heal itself. And about having to go and put your foot up NOW! But you can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and it's Spa Day!
I had a sudden thought about you and your MIL, it's like when they built the channel tunnel. (Bear with me) You started digging from one side, your mil started from the other side, but you didn't quite meet in the middle. So you are both trying your best to understand each other, but getting it a bit wrong, and neither of you perfect. And of course, because it's not your home, and not your mum, you can't relax. Have a lovely time with your DH

Now you see, daisies, this is exactly why I don't exercise. Far too dangerous. I did get into the couch to 5k about 10 years ago, finished the programme and everything, then one night I twisted my ankle running on cobblestones to get to the pub so had to miss my run the next day. Decided from there that I needed to figure out my priorities, so the running went.

We've literally just checked into the spa hotel, and I already feel sooooooo happy and relaxed. The manager happened to walk past as we were queuing at reception, he took one look at my belly + foot then took over our arrival and treated me like a queen. I'm not going to want to go back on Tuesday

Just waiting for DH to finish bringing in the bags then I'm going to suggest we go for a walk/push down the prom. I'm beyond thrilled that we've come here, I really am!

Have a wonderful time Maman. I shall be here but shan't text unless you need me. Will check in Tuesday evening. 💐🥂❤️

Dear oh dear Daises. Have looked at the many people running since lock down I have never seen so many. I did have a little niggly voice saying "you could do that".
Luckily it listened when I said "No I bloody couldn't". Hope you're feeling better and getting some support.

😂 mum!
*
🥂* for all of you (🧃for me, sob!)

I know, I know. But much to my surprise, it turns out that I love running, and I'll be back out there just as soon as I can. Which will be a while yet, but I'm on my feet with crutches and pretty self sufficient now. Maman, I'm so glad you've got there ok and you deserve to be treated like royalty, enjoy! I'll leave you in peace, too. That mnmum of yours is very wise, when she's not being a Bad Influence

Daisies. Rude, Rude, Rude 😝. Don't care. Lalala.
Couldn't run even if I wanted to. (which I bloody don't before some helpful soul comes to explain how I could) I'm not very tall and have huge boobs. I'd get black eyes. 😉😂

You two crack me up.

V. quick update - just had a long talk with DH and told him everything. Even though it could have ruined the weekend.

Not only is he not pissed off, he actually said I did the right thing in lying about the reason for going into hospital. He wishes I'd have told him sooner but agreed I was right to get out of the house before telling him.

He says his mum is so stressed about her brother that the truth would have tipped her over the edge. "Not only did I protect the baby, but I protected her too" (!!!) And he admitted she's very difficult (have NEVER heard him say that before).

He also told me about how much she's hated each of his girlfriends before me, that she only started approving of them once they'd split up. He's much more aware if his golden child status than I ever gave him credit for.

Got to dash but will check in tomorrow after my lovely massage

Oh bless you! I bet it feels good to get it all off your chest and that he seems to understand or at least is beginning to understand that his mother isn't at all normal. Enjoy your spa break lovely lady xxx

Brilliant update maman, catch-up later (waves to notthemum)

Hi Daises 👋 hope that's an emoji for waving.
Gotta go to flipping Town to go to bank 😭

Sounding very positive op!

Wow @mamansnet finally just read all of your posts. Took me the best part of an hour. You have such a wonderful way of writing and could be an author, seriously! You actually have a way of words and very humorous too.

I so hope you're having a wonderful spa time and your mil and fil are at home with ds having a nice time too. I cant believe mil saying I'm not interested in ex bffs deceased daughter. Wow. Some people literally speak their mind and sont care how it offends.

Can you please keep this thread up and running right up until you have your new baby so we can know all the goings on and how you and dd are doing, god willing!

Questions, if ok

Is your real name Maman? Or is that just a nickname? It sounds so unique and fun.
Are you foreign too or from the uk? living in Europe but British?
Where are your Dh and in laws from and where are you and where you live ie which country not specific towns lol. Hope you don't mind! Its just that you its mentioned so much about being hundreds of miles from the UK and miles away from the in laws too I am just so curious. But I respect your privacy if I was too nosey lol. I'm in south uk myself and have 4 children and pregnant with number 5 due in January!!!

Lots of love