Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

If we want men to be involved and caring fathers then they have to be allowed opinions right from the start

Are you saying that if her mother is at the birth then he'll never be able to care for that child, it will be too traumatising for him not to have got his own way?

@Frazzled2207

It’s your choice. That said I would not be surprised if the one person rule is still there for the rest of the year. Also I find it a bit odd that anyone would want their own mother there when giving birth. Personally I’d rather do it on my own though would be happy to have her wait outside.

Nice.

It's not odd to have your mother, another woman who has experienced giving birth at your labour - women traditionally have had their own mothers (and or other women aka midwives) with them during childbirth for centuries.

@2bazookas

I think he's got a fair point; for him its a first child so he wants it to be a very special thing shared between just two of you.

That.

His water birth comment was unfair, and that's a decision that's up to you, not him. But I totally understand him wanting this to be just about the two of you. I would feel exactly the same.

It's 2020, on a mainly female populated parenting forum, and we still have some women advocating centering men during childbirth. 🤦‍♀️

@thatsnotgoingtowork

Have the special couple moment fantasists actually given birth? If they have the rose tinted glasses are firmly welded into place!

Yes, I have, and one of the births was very traumatic. But no way would I have wanted anyone else there other than my husband. It was our time, our moment when my daughters were born.

If he finds the idea of a water birth disgusting then I hope he copes ok with the birth in general I.e seeing the waters, blood etc. TBH I would question whether he's going to be squeamish and then not able to support you at all.

My DH was rubbish, he nearly fainted whilst I was still in the first stage. A midwife found him out in the corridor looking dreadful so she brought him into the room, laid him on the sofa and gave him a cup of tea! It was lovely having him there, but supportive he was not!

I think it is your right to choose mostly, especially as to the birthing plans. However, I do find it very odd that people need their mothers with them to have a baby. Personally I think that is a special moment for the baby's parents only where possible, grandparents to be should wait outside.

I agree with this. I think it's different if there is no partner on the scene or they can't be there but I find it odd that women would want their mum there when you are bringing your child into the world together. No-one has done this before when they have their first child but most people manage just fine. Both of my births were traumatic but it never even crossed my mind to have my mum there. As close as we are, there are some things I don't want my mum seeing if I can help it as a grown woman!

Having said that, I think he is being a dick about the water birth. Nothing disgusting about it and if my babies hadn't been so awkward, I would have loved to have had one (or two).

How sensitive is your dm OP? i ask because i was present when my dd gave birth, not because i wanted to be but the circumstances in the ward at that time caused concern for her care and treatment, I was 'on guard' if you like, however, I left the room and waited outside at the very final stages so that she and her dh had those precious first miniutes alone with the baby, then I stayed until she was stiched up, kissed them all and left, is your dm likely to give your dp that experience with you? I would talk to both of them together and get both to understand your needs and what you expect of them

as to a water birth being disgusting, well, that fella is in for a fucking great shock when he sees all the gore that comes with birth, tell him its not like 'call the midwife', more like 'the excorsist'

It's 2020, on a mainly female populated parenting forum, and we still have some women advocating centering men during childbirth

It's 2020, and we want - and need - fathers to be active parents. The only way we'll ever get close to equality of opportunity is for childcare to stop being solely a women's role. Sharing the experience of birth should be for both parents -with the caveat for normal relationships. Obviously if there's any abuse then different rules apply.

I find it astounding that women who have experienced child birth think their experiences and preferences should be the norm amongst every other woman giving birth.

I found it helpful having my legs up in stirrups with my first I don't think every woman should be labouring on their back with legs up in stirrups because that one birth worked for me that one time.

Fact of the matter is OP wants her own mother their. The mothers presence was comforting to labouring OP and that's what she wants.

OP should have exactly what she wants, her needs override the partners wants.

OP is the focus, OP is the one going through the ordeal of childbirth, her partner can be supportive or remove himself from the equation instead of causing the OP distress, distress can hinder the process of chidlbirth.

Posters who didn't want their mother there during their childbirth = valid choice.

OP wanting her mother there during her childbirth = valid choice.

Why is this so difficult a concept to grasp? Anecdotes of who you had present during your labour has fuck all to do with the OP.

My Mum came up 300 miles for my first birth and sat in the corridor, I didn't even know she was there until I was wheeled out into surgery. I so wish she had been in the room instead of ex-h. He was absolutely useless. She would have been amazing. If I'd had the choice to have both of them there, that would have been ideal. You're 100% right, it's you giving birth, not him, so it's your choice how it happens and with who. No one else gets a say unless it's medically necessary.

This is one of the most emotional and painful events in your life! It's your body doing the work and you should should be able to choose your support network and your chosen firm of pain relief. These are none negotiable. If he has an issue with your mom being their that's his problem! He hasn't given a sound reason why his wishes should over ride yours. This is a time when your partner should be selfless and focus on your wishes and demands. I've made my choices in regards to pain relief and who I would like there and if my partner takes issue with that we will discuss it but ultimately I make the final call.

Traditionally it would just be women, mother, sisters, friends. There would be lots of women present. I don’t think wanting someone with you, as a source of comfort, should matter. Everyone is different. If you want your mum there do it. My friend’s husband was shocking in labour and passed out, then vomited! So couldn’t be there in the end anyway, mum turned up to be there instead. If it’s allowed you go for it. No one should be telling you what you can/can not do during childbirth. He should respect your decision.

@OllyBJolly

It's 2020, on a mainly female populated parenting forum, and we still have some women advocating centering men during childbirth

It's 2020, and we want - and need - fathers to be active parents. The only way we'll ever get close to equality of opportunity is for childcare to stop being solely a women's role. Sharing the experience of birth should be for both parents -with the caveat for normal relationships. Obviously if there's any abuse then different rules apply.

Nope, childbirth shouldn't be about centering men. They have the rest of 18 years to be a supportive parent - starting with supporting their partners wishes during her labour.

I find it odd that women would want their mum there when you are bringing your child into the world together. No-one has done this before when they have their first child but most people manage just fine.

Most people through centuries have not given birth alone but exactly surrounded by other women. Men at birth is a very recent thing.

Sorry I am normally all for compromise between partners and taking in each other’s opinions, but this is one time in life I believe the mothers opinion and needs matter more. Especially in this situation where he is not taking in his partners opinions and is putting his needs and views above hers and is bluntly saying no. That is not team work.

I can somewhat understand his discomfort with having your mother there but on this occasion with the way he has said you can’t have a water birth because it’s disgusting makes me believe he is not going to be a great support system during birth. Birth isn’t Particularly glamorous no matter how you do it. There are a lot of upsides to opting for a water birth that benefit both mother and baby, and if he can’t accept that because “it’s disgusting“ that is absolutely appalling. If you want a water birth have one - he does not get to decide this for you. It sounds like he needs some educating on the different ways of giving birth and their pros and cons.

I am due at the beginning of October and my DH literally tells me I can have whatever I want as I am the one who will be in pain and pushing baby out, I get to decide what happens to my body and how I manage the pain. I personally don’t want anyone but my DH there, he is so calm and supportive in these situations, but that’s us.

It's 2020, and we want - and need - fathers to be active parents. The only way we'll ever get close to equality of opportunity is for childcare to stop being solely a women's role.

Fathers can't be active parents or take part in childcare unless they have been allowed to dictate who is present at the child's birth? Ohhhhhkaaaaaay...

Often when women start a relationship after having had an abusive partner their idea of 'amazing' is a partner who doesn't knock them about.

I think your boundaries might be quite low OP and need resetting. Have the birth you want with the birth partner(s) you want. Giving birth is a time when you are at your most vulnerable - you get to make the decisions that are best for you.

I'm just suggesting LTB, but just have a plan in the back of your head and think about the Freedom programme. And make sure you see your mum (and other family and friends) as many times a week as you can.

Fathers can't be active parents or take part in childcare unless they have been allowed to dictate who is present at the child's birth? Ohhhhhkaaaaaay...

Not only that, but dictate how the woman gives birth, only doing it the way he finds acceptable! I know no one on the thread has actually agreed with that part but it's along the same lines and paints a picture of the DH's mindset

@OllyBJolly

It's 2020, on a mainly female populated parenting forum, and we still have some women advocating centering men during childbirth

It's 2020, and we want - and need - fathers to be active parents. The only way we'll ever get close to equality of opportunity is for childcare to stop being solely a women's role. Sharing the experience of birth should be for both parents -with the caveat for normal relationships. Obviously if there's any abuse then different rules apply.

A shit father is a shit father. Having no say in the birth choices of the mother does not make him the shit father a man chooses actively to be a good father or a complete waste of skin.

Until society holds fathers in equal disdain for abandoning their child as they do a mother men wont step up to the role. Until men are subject to the same restrictions at work and their careers take the same hit as mothers by being made to take paternity leave they won't be sharing the experience and on the same footing as most mothers.

Being at the birth is nothing to do with being a good and involved parent.

My DP takes cares for and takes responsibility towards my older children he wasn't at their birth, he's not their biological father. Doesn't mean he's not a great dad and father figure to them.

Being a good dad is so much more than being present at the birth, and it starts with respecting the mother of your child's wishes in how she wants to labour and who she wants there for support.

Doesn't matter what he wants , this is about you and how you feel emotionally supported to do this immense physical task (for want of a better word)

Speak about this to your midwife, she will tell you that he doesn't actually get to dictate who is there to support you. They take your wants and needs into account and yours only because they are concerned with you and baby, first and foremost. He may not like it, it may seem unfair to some, but that's they way it is and tough titties to what he wants as this is about your body and your pain and your emotional support.

Sorry I'm not suggesting LTB...

Why are you caring so much about his feelings (couldn't make him miss the birth of his first child") when he doesn't give a damn about yours? You get to decide - end of. Water birth, mother, giving birth upside down on a trapeze in a circus tent - it's up to you not him.

So the baby's father isn't allowed an opinion at all?

This is not about centering the father. The mother is obviously the centre of the birth process. But surely this can be discussed without totally ignoring his feelings about the occasion?

I think a pp has a good suggestion for compromise. Would he consider your mum being around, but not in the room all the time? And with her making a discreet exit close to the moment of birth?