Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

I find it odd that women would want their mum there when you are bringing your child into the world together.

How can it be "odd" when fathers in the delivery room is an incredibly new phenomenon?

OP, it is up to you how you get the baby out of your own body. He is, of course, entitled to an opinion. But any decision regarding the birth are solely up to you. That's how bodily autonomy works. And no, women shouldn't be advocating that other women cede that particular right to men. Once the baby is born, decisions should be made between the two of you. Until then, it is your choice entirely.

@midnightstar66

Fathers can't be active parents or take part in childcare unless they have been allowed to dictate who is present at the child's birth? Ohhhhhkaaaaaay...

Not only that, but dictate how the woman gives birth, only doing it the way he finds acceptable! I know no one on the thread has actually agreed with that part but it's along the same lines and paints a picture of the DH's mindset

I am genuinely astounded at some of these replies. What has happened to this site? When did the idea come from that it is more important how the father of a child feels than that the woman delivering the child gets the support she needs? I would have had utter contempt for any man who thought their preference for who else was in the room overrode my choice as to who would support me as I gave birth, and in all honesty I doubt our relationship would have lasted.

saraclara you had a traumatic birth but your priority was that it was a special moment with just you and your husband? So not a room full of doctors and nurses and midwives and noise and blood all over the floor and panic and rushing and blacking out and thinking your were about to die and thinking your baby was about to die and prioritising you and the baby staying alive even if the entire hospital staff shared your special moment?

Not that kind of traumatic then?

FFS hardly anyone gives birth with just their husband there... The priority is everyone getting through it safe and well, not an insta perfect #making memories moment.

I don’t really understand why people need multiple people there to sit and watch, it isn’t a spectator sport. I think giving birth is a very special moment between the parents, I loved those first few hours just after giving birth where they left us alone in the delivery suite. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there to share in that, it was about me and my husband who had just become parents. I can understand why he wants it to just be him there, I mean will he have to wait to hold his child after your mother? Having your mum there changes the dynamic completely. I love my mum dearly but there was no way she was going to be at the birth of our children.

My husband didn't want my mum at the birth of my first. He felt that she would try and take over. My mum is medical and very knowledgeable, so he's probably right. We did hypnobirthing together and he really was an incredible birth partner.

However, for our next baby, I will have my mum with us. I relied so heavily on my husband, that there wasn't anyone around to do the practical stuff. For example, I wanted to have my birth tracks playing, but my phone was in the car. I wanted someone to take a few photos, but there was no one there to organise that. My husband needed the loo but I didn't want him to leave me.

Next time, I want for my husband and me to be in our bubble, like last time, and have my mum on the periphery doing the practical stuff.

Let’s be blunt here. Giving birth is dangerous. Women die in labour. Babies die during labour. Women have life changing injuries during labour. Babies have life changing injuries during labour.

Medical science has improved the odds for women and babies a lot. Now only 1 in 10,000 women die in labour rather than the 1 in 10 it was a few hundred years ago. (For info 1 in 100,000 people die when jumping out of a plane with a parachute so it is still 10 times more dangerous than that.)

But it is still a dangerous day where everything possible should be done to protect the life and health of the mother and the child.

One thing that massively impacts how well the labour goes is how relaxed the mother is. In my view if the mother wants the father to spend the labour standing on his head and muttering “ummmm” then the husband has a responsibility to find himself a yoga teacher and start working out the best pitch for his chant.

If the mother would feel more relaxed with her own mother there then that is sensible. If a woman wants to use water as pain relief (presumably to try to avoid other methods of pain relief that can reduce the likelihood of a vaginal birth) then that sounds a great idea. And frankly if you can’t cope with a bit of “yuck” then you are really going to struggle with 2 years of nappies and 3 more years of “come and wipe my bottom”.

As for the whole “special moment” thing - hmmm - with my first that involved a literal blood bath with me losing consciousness, doctors shouting about how they were losing me, dh was suddenly whisked out of the room with dd and left alone for 45 minutes whilst he wondered if he would still have a wife at the end of it. With my second it was a much better birth and we did get that “special moment”. Although it was accompanied by the legs in stirrups whilst the midwife and a student midwife attempted to deliver my placenta (which had got stuck) and then sew up where I had torn. Strangely we barely noticed them and just enjoyed our new baby. I suspect if my mum had been sat in the corner we would have forgotten she was there!

(She wasn’t - I never fancied having my mum in the room while I gave birth but I am me and the Op is her and it is all about the person giving birth.)

He is already cutting you off from pain relief options by refusing you a water birth. He would be a terrible birth oartner.

*He wants to feel like a crucial part of the process of bringing his baby into the world in the only way he can, by supporting his partner8

Did you bother to read the post? This is NOT what this man is doing.
He won't 'let' her have a water birth because of how it makes him feel.
He isn't preparing himself to support her in anyway as he will 'wing it'.

Stop defending a man who clearly centres himself over his partner, even at such a supremely female centred time as giving birth!

OP have your mum there and have your water birth.
He doesn't sound amazing at all. Agree with PP that it sounds like you've swapped one arsehole for another.
I can see why he doesn't want your mum there, however you do and that's all that counts. As the person giving birth and going through it you get to choose.

Jesus, when did labour become a party ?

Well, actually, until fairly recently, labour was definitely something a woman did with a number of other woman from her community around - sisters, maids, mothers, friends etc. This idea that it is just the woman, a midwife and her partner is a relatively new one.

Personally, I just wanted DH for the main bit. My sister was with me for the early stages with both, with and without DH, and that was helpful. I didn't actively want my mum to be there but having said that, I would have found her very helpful and supportive so I can understand OP wanting her.

OP - the combination of water birth and his attitude is worrying. At best, it demonstrates that he really doesn't understand what labour is about and thinks its some gentle soothing lovely intimate experience. Is he suggesting whale music and candles? But at worst, it is worrying that he seems to think things that are ultimately about you are things he gets to make final decisions on. Is he planning to make the final decision on whether you BF or not and for how long? What about when you have sex for the first time after baby? Is that his decision or yours?

I agree with your partner. Or did til I read the waterbirth part. I can understand how he would feel more awkward or like he's secondary to your mum in a very important time for him too

It's 2020, and we want - and need - fathers to be active parents. The only way we'll ever get close to equality of opportunity is for childcare to stop being solely a women's role

This isn't childcare its childbirth. Stop bringing in other issues to bolster your weak case.

Sharing the experience of birth should be for both parents
OP said he would be there. Just that her mum would be there (along with all the medical staff needed).
But frankly, if a woman didn't want her partner there, any decent partner would accept this.

This is so sad. Op it’s your body, your birth. Your birth partner’s role is to support you not to have the birth arranged to their liking. I really think something is very wrong in your relationship, I’m sorry you’re not getting the care you deserve.

I think OP already knows what her mum would be like at the birth, and that is one of quiet comfort - encouraging but not taking over. I can see that as reassuring. And yes, across time and across history this has been a women's process, its only relatively recently that your mum or your sister or a female friend would not be the natural birth partner.

So you need your partner to step up and actually ensure that he is going to give the same level of support FOR YOU, as your mum did before. And so far he is falling short, which unsurprisingly is making you concerned and wanting the solid reliable rock of your mum even more.

He is dictating what kind of birth you can have, whilst not actually being prepared to do anything to research what he is actually taking on. By the time it all starts happening its going to be too late, and then what? He walks out? He gets scared and starts throwing his weight about, getting angry at doctors or midwives. He already things birthing pools are discusting - what does he think the birth will be like with blood and faeces and possibly tears, or even a C section. Will he hold you responsible if it isnt the sanitised perfect birth that he is imagining?

My ex was at my first birth and my mum too. And actually until a certain point my gay male friend was there, its just kind of how it worked out. And Im glad my mum was there because I know 100% that my ex would have walked as it was a bit too long and boring for him and there were other places that he wanted to be. But with my mum there he bloody behaved himself and was useful.

so to be honest, if you only have one partner in this, unless your partner makes a huge effort between now and then, Id take the reassurance of what you know than gamble on this controlling fuckwit

I wouldn't discuss this with your partner again. Have the birth experience you want - without him!

OllyBJolly as numerous posters have pointed out, the OP doesn't want her mother there instead of her baby's father, but as well.

Men being at the birth should not mean men being prioritised at the birth.

Men being equal parents does not and should not mean women prostrating themselves and giving up all rights over their own body at an incredibly vulnerable time and defering to men's wants even while the woman goes through the sometimes dangerous and usually painful and undignified process of birth in the hope they'll behave like fathers in return.

Why do so many posters insist that if women want to be treated as equals they must give up all sex based protections, suck up and not expect sex based services when our biology makes us vulnerable, and bend over backwards to center men's wants so they can pretend they did 50% of the reproductive work and gave birth too?

Are the men going to have a good deep surgical incision made and stitched between their penis and anus straight after the woman finishes giving birth, to replicate an episiotomy, or have their abdomen surgically oepned up and re stitched to help them imagine they've had a c-section, so they can experience a bit of the post birth recovery feels? After all we need them to be fully included?

Also water birth is disgusting. You end up sitting in a pool of shit and blood. But you also end up with a lovely baby. In most father’s minds the negativity of the bath of filth is massively outweighed by positivity of the birth of their baby and the comfort of their partner.

@thatsnotgoingtowork

saraclara you had a traumatic birth but your priority was that it was a special moment with just you and your husband? So not a room full of doctors and nurses and midwives and noise and blood all over the floor and panic and rushing and blacking out and thinking your were about to die and thinking your baby was about to die and prioritising you and the baby staying alive even if the entire hospital staff shared your special moment?

Not that kind of traumatic then?

FFS hardly anyone gives birth with just their husband there... The priority is everyone getting through it safe and well, not an insta perfect #making memories moment.

You're seriously comparing medical staff with other family members?

No, I wasn't looking for an insta moment. My births were back in the mid-80s anyway. But whatever kind birth I might have had, I never once considered having anyone but my husband (and of course the medical team, but I can't believe I have to spell that out) with me.

I dunno if anyone else has picked up on this but... I find it interesting that you went from a horrible abusive ex to.. this guy.
You seem to think he's so much better than your ex but you are normalising some crazy levels of controlling here love!

My feeling is that it doesn't matter whether he gets his way on the birth partner / you not having a waterbirth etc. Because he's going to continue to be controlling and put himself first after your child is born and that will be a fucking nightmare. Make sure you have good support around you as co-parenting with a manchild is very tiring and really grinds you down. Remember you can come back here any time for support. I found MN a livesaver when I was in your situation.
I hope your birth goes well, and congratulations on your second pregnancy

@Pixxie7

I am sorry but I find it strange that you want your mum there and your husband so why not compromise you have a water birth and your mum is the first to see the baby.

Please explain how a daughter wanting their mother, the person who brought them up, was their comfort, at the birth of their child is weird?

He says he doesn't want your mother there as he will feel uncomfortable yet you're the one giving birth and personally you feeling of comfort is more important. I think he's being immature if he can't suck it up and be there for you and respect your wishes

IS there a polite way to tell him to go F himself? His feelings about how YOU push a human out of your body come second to your own - have your water birth and have your mum there. End of.
Tell him to stop making it stressful for you, it's already going to be tough.
Invite your mum - he needs to get over himself. Tell him it's the way it's going to be.
Is there anyone who can talk to him? His mum or someone who can make him realise that he's being an arse?

My feeling is that it doesn't matter whether he gets his way on the birth partner / you not having a waterbirth etc. Because he's going to continue to be controlling and put himself first after your child is born and that will be a fucking nightmare. Make sure you have good support around you
Remember you can come back here any time for support. I found MN a livesaver when I was in your situation

This is it.

saraclara if the medical team are there it isn't just a special couple moment though is it? Often it's a fairly hectic, scary moment and the warm glow of being together and able to appreciate what you have doesn't come time several hours later.

Additionally it doesn't matter one tiny bit that you didn't want other family members there - I didn't either but as I haven't had an empathy bypass I can see that the OP wants her mother because her "partner" is a bully who wants to veto her wishes and "wing it" "supporting her" through the birth. A birth "partner" in name only.

He sounds like a prick. Have your mum there if you want her.