Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

I suspect he thinks that babies just pop out in a safe and predictable way, ready to be admired. A lot of people who have no knowledge or experience of childbirth think that.

I think there's a popular delusion that because the rate of maternal mortality in the UK is extremely low, there is no risk in childbirth. People know nothing of the small, large and very real, everyday risks, to mother and baby.

Also, people have heard of 'birth plans' and make the mistake of thinking they are in some way enforcable, rather than merely expressing preferences and aspirations, many of which will go out of the window on the day.

It doesn't help, in a way, that antenatal classes downplay risks. They do it for good medical reasons; because they're trying to encourage calm, in-control mothers, because that helps thing go physically better in birth, whereas panic makes them go worse. They also know that if you're in a hospital, the experts are on hand and will deal with the situations beyond your control, so you don't need to know much about those.

Your partner needs to learn about childbirth; the risks, the choices,
what your preferences are and why those preferences might not be met. He also needs to understand what the role of a birth partner is; to support you and to advocate for your choices.

You probably won't get a waterbirth, or whatever else you'd prefer. But because things don't usually go exactly to plan e.g. second babies often come too fast to allow for a waterbath to be filled, not because 'he says no'.

@frazzledasarock

Ignore him l. Have your mum there and if you want a water birth ask for a water birth.

Who’s he never ever witnessed a birth to tell you how to give birth and who to have there.

Tell us about his nice traits. So far he sounds a complete and utter bollock.

^ This

I can see his point, a little.

He might be worried that she will be the main support and he will be an extra. He might worry that she will then be very involved with the baby and he won’t get a look in.

I remember my brother in law getting annoyed at my mum for being a bit too much when my niece was born. He didn’t say anything directly to her, but I could see his point. She thought she was the expert And didn’t really respect that he was the dad.

But the water birth thing - wtf. He’s a bit squeamish? He has a shock in store and needs to get over himself.

If a man thinks abything related to birth can be disgusting (water birth - really?!), then you should have a measure of him. Have water birth if that’s what yih want, OP and your mum there if possible.

The one pushing the baby out makes the decision.

I think it’s pretty unlikely you’ll be allowed two birth partners in September anyway op, so are probably worrying over nothing.

If he’s squeamish like PP said that you can imagine how much help he’ll be at the birth. Sorry, OP, he really doesn’t come across well at all.

What if you poo yourself - will that be sosgusting too. Well, you k ow but what can you do - does he know that can happen.

*Do not let him dictate anything. Have your mum there, he's not the patient, he doesn't get a say. Have a water birth - he's not the patient he doesn't get a say. Have any and all pain killers you want including an epidural - he's not the patient, he's not the one in pain, he doesn't get a say.

You are the one giving birth. This is about you, it may be his baby but that doesn't make the actual process of giving birth about him in any way. Don't let him manipulate you into making it about him and his experience and what he wants. It's about you, your experience, wants, needs and safety - that is it - you!*

This!

It's not childish to want someone you know will be an amazing support through such a time 🙄

The op's mother was not an amazing lsupport ast time, she sat in a chair and told op to breath until told to shut up.

The partner's objection to water birth is what concerns me but I think she can work on that one.

Id be extremely disappointed if I was the partner and wonder why I wasn't considered a good enough support and why you didn't want to share this special and intimate time with just me.

I doubt your Mum will even be allowed there as most hospitals are still saying one person only. And that’s only for active labour, so you will be doing the first bit alone anyway.

I'd be worried that someone who's so opinionated about something he's never done (and never will), won't be the support you need. What if you want pain relief, but he's read it's a bad idea? The only way I got my pain relief was DP going and camping at the desk until they listened to him that I needed help. I was in so much pain all I could do was concentrate on it, I certainly couldn't advocate for myself!

It's not being controlling to want people there who give you the support you need whilst in labour. Out of interest, has he said you're being controlling?

But stand your ground on the waterbirth. That's not his decision to make.
To be fair, who you have there is not his decision either, but it would be a kick in the teeth for him that the relationship may not recover from.

Id be extremely disappointed if I was the partner and wonder why I wasn't considered a good enough support and why you didn't want to share this special and intimate time with just me.

Yeah but it wouldn’t be about your fragile ego would it? The person giving birth should be the one in control.

Who would be a better support OP?

My husband didn't want my mum there. She didn't come. I think he already felt vulnerable in the process in terms of his role, and really wanted to be the one who supported me and not to be sidelined or relegated in the birth of his own children. So I agreed. And I don't regret taking him into account.

I don't like these reductionist "pulling rank" arguments, "I am the one in labour so I automatically get to choose". It's both of your baby and not his "choice" not to be able to labour. He wants to feel like a crucial part of the process of bringing his baby into the world in the only way he can, by supporting his partner. I think a life partnership needs to have a more respectful discussion than "my choice, end of".

@MiddlesexGirl

Id be extremely disappointed if I was the partner and wonder why I wasn't considered a good enough support and why you didn't want to share this special and intimate time with just me.

Yes because he’s being so supportive so far by making it about what he wants

I was initially going along with, understand his feeling however that changed over his attitude to water births and how he is handling the discussion.

If he can't or won't be open minded, empathic and supportive pre birth he has no chance of being different at the birth.

He is showing you in this discussion that he is not hearing you and his needs dominate. This is whilst not stressed or tired.. what will he be like at 3am in the morning when stress levels are high!

His attitude to winging it, shows he isn't prepared to take on board ideas so how will he respond when you and a midwife are telling him what to do to help you. I think he will be very resentful.

It's both of your baby and not his "choice" not to be able to labour

I knew someone would pull the 'it's his baby too' card. No one is denying him that, it's still his baby whether he's there or not. Women aren't just bloody incubators to perform labour for demanding spectators.

It’s your choice.
That said I would not be surprised if the one person rule is still there for the rest of the year. Also I find it a bit odd that anyone would want their own mother there when giving birth. Personally I’d rather do it on my own though would be happy to have her wait outside.

The op's mother was not an amazing lsupport ast time, she sat in a chair and told op to breath until told to shut up.

But that's exactly what OP found supportive. She didn't interfere was just a calm presence! If that's what she finds helpful that's personal to her.

Everything you've said makes your 'D'P sound like an arse who will be a terrible birth partner. You're not even giving birth yet and already he's undermining your wishes and putting himself first. With CV-19 I doubt your DM will be allowed in the room. Sept isn't that far off and two months in this pandemic doesn't really change very much, so right now I'd assume your DM isn't going to be there so you need to figure out how you're going to get through your birth without her there and with this entitled, opinionated arse as your 'advocate'. I would make sure that your birth plan is included in your notes and discuss it with your MW in advance.

He doesn't get a say on the water birth, or any other aspect of how you actually deliver, but I think you should respect that he doesn't want your mum there. It's a big moment between the two of you. I can understand his view point there.

I don't like these reductionist "pulling rank" arguments, "I am the one in labour so I automatically get to choose". It's both of your baby...

Why shouldn't the person in labour get to be the one who chooses how they are supported? If my husband had thought that knocking me up meant he got to dictate who was present when I gave birth I would have thought he was an absolute dickhead. What else do you think he should choose, what pain relief she has? The position she delivers in? Whether or not she has a water birth?

I'd be extremely disappointed if I was the partner and wonder why I wasn't considered a good enough support and why you didn't want to share this special and intimate time with just me.

Probably because someone whose reaction to their partner saying they want their mum to be present when they give birth was 'but that's not fair on me' is not someone who could be relied upon to be a supportive birth partner who promotes the needs of their partner and advocates for what they want. Maybe OP wants her mum there because she knows her mum will prioritise what OP needs to get through labour rather than her hurt feelings about not being regarded as sufficient support.

Do you feel he'll be overbearing without your mum there to back you up? In which case this is a relationship problem in general, rather than a birth problem.