Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

Giving birth is all about the woman, he's pretty much a spectator, if you want your mother there and a water birth then thats what you do. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't need to be there.
Is he always this controlling about what you do?

Snowdown24 - he isn't good enough though - that appears to be true. He's a grade A ignorant egotistical bully by the sound of it. Have you not read all the OP's posts.

Not only has he denied her her desired water birth, based on the profound and well researched basis that "It's disgusting", he also thinks "I said no" is a reasonable response to his partner saying she wants her mother at the birth - "I said no." - really? Is this a partnership in which his partner is heavily pregnant and about to be the one giving birth, or is she a pre teen asking for more console time or to go to an unsuitable party?

He isn't good enough to support her - he isn't even interested in supporting her. The OP wrote:

I want her there for me. I also want her there as my partners idea of being supportive at the birth is to 'wing it'. He has no idea of what's to come so having my mum there will be more reassuring.

Why can’t you compromise and have your mum there during the labour, but ask her to leave right before the actual birth?

That’s what I did just because my mum wanted to be around but we also wanted the birth moment just to ourselves. My mum was understanding and although she’d been there for most of my labour she was willing to leave for the birth and wait to be invited back in afterwards.

I don’t agree with the concept that it’s all about what the women wants. If we want men to be involved and caring fathers then they have to be allowed opinions right from the start.

I had my mum at my first birth along with my DH.
At the second just my DH as mum was looking after DS1 and I wish she could have been there.

My DH was hugely supportive but having my mum there the first time not only brought comfort to me but it allowed DH to take a break ( 24 hour labour) and not worry he was leaving me on my own. He also said then when I got to the pushing and incredibly painful bit he found my mum very supportive and she kept him calm reassuring him that what was happening was normal.

For me you are the one who will be giving birth and you are the one that needs the support so you get to choose who is there and who is not.
He needs to support you as this is not about him.

YY thatsnotgoingtowork, this is not a man who is fit to attend a birth.

I've got to be honest, if he can't respect your desire to attempt planning a water birth or understand why having your mother around would be a comfort to you then I'd have zero faith that he would be a proper advocate for you if things get crazy during labour. You need to spell this out for him.

Childbirth isn't ever about the other partner. It's all about making sure the mother and baby survive!

This could be a pointless argument as it's likely that due to C-19 your partner only will be allowed in and only for the actual birth itself. Shelve this discussion and wait and see what actual choices you may or may not have at the time.

The water-birth remark is ringing a lot of alarm bells. Who would actually say that and wtf is disgusting about it? Is he going to stop you breastfeeding too?

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.

It will only be intimate and special if the partner has the right attitude. This one doesn't.

Also, they're hardly going to be alone in that delivery room looking into one another's eyes anyway. There will be a midwife there, possibly a doctor. Assuming 2 family members are allowed in, the OPs mother sitting in a corner is only going to be one more person for the dp, but will mean something to the OP.

Women have been supported by other women throughout the history of giving birth- why does that suddenly make you a child?

@Sertchgi123
Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father

Are you for real? What a ridiculous and patronising thing to say! Get a reality check!

Exercising control (insofar as possible) over the circumstances of your birth can be a hugely empowering and healing experience, imo. Especially if you have suffered previous trauma or abuse. I’d think carefully if I were you before giving up that opportunity to please someone else. Good luck with your labour

I'm actually the controlling one in this situation 😳 and he is actually amazing in every other aspect of our relationship.
I didn't have much control over my last birth due to an abusive and useless ex partner so with this birth I want to control as much of it as I can

Who says you’re controlling - does he say that?

You’re actually repeating the exact pattern of your previous relationship: you don’t have much control over this birth as you have got yourself another controlling partner.

So just to be clear: You want a water birth you have a water birth. You want your mum there, your mum is there.

Have your mum there. Have a water birth. He doesn't get to say and he'll forget about it afterwards.

Water births are amazing for pain relief. Also the midwives are very adept at subtlety scooping stuff out of the pool.

@Aquamarine1029

The one pushing a baby out of their vagina calls the shots. Your partner sounds like a controlling fuckwit.

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

I don’t agree with the concept that it’s all about what the women wants

The birth is. He isn't giving birth.

If we want men to be involved and caring fathers then they have to be allowed opinions right from the start

No. Men should be involved and caring fathers because they are fathers and its their responsibilty.

Dictating how the woman is allowed to give birth is not being an involved and caring father its being an arsehole.

@Fairybatman

'Personally I’d tell him that when he can shit a watermelon he can make the decisions.'

This captures the argument exactly; short and to the point. Well said!

How long have you been together op?

All these posters saying that her mum shouldn't be there and that her dp wants to support her....have you read the part where she said his plan is to "wing" it?
That wouldnt make me feel very comfortable if I was the op!

I had my mum and dh at the birth of my first and I would have done for the second but couldn't because of corona.... It was OK with just my dh but for instance when I told him I needed to push and asked him to press the call button he didn't believe me for some reason so took his time in calling for the midwife. I know if I'd have had my mum there and told her that she would have called the midwife straight away.

OP it is completely your choice how you give birth and who is there with you I hope the hospital are allowing two birth partners by the time your due!

Make sure you do what you feel comfortable with like pp have said your the patient you tell the midwife what you want. Hope all goes well

If you want your mother for support go for it, but if you have even a tiny suspicion that you will need her because your partner won’t be the support you need, please listen to what you are telling yourself.

NailsNeedDoing you logic is so flawed. Women are disadvantaged due to their biology and your solution to this is that in situations where their biology makes them vulnerable they should be as submissive as possible and let their man have the final say, in the hope that if they are nice and kind and selfless enough, and put themselves in even more vulnerable positions in order to make their man feel important, men might actually behave like fathers to their own children?

if he was supportive then he would want you to have whoever you wanted there.

I'm sorry if you feel you're being bombarded by all the comments on here OP
but there are some valid points you need to consider.

Are you married?

I'd think very carefully about your future with this man.

Again all we're seeing is a snapshot of your lives together but it's not looking very promising from our perspective

I wouldn't want my mum there when I was giving birth. she'd say things like "don't be feeble, it doesn't hurt that much" but hopefully yours is better.

your DP sounds like a dick. give him his marching orders. he actually thinks his preferences should trump yours while you are in the process of giving birth and that is so astoundingly selfish and insensitive it has to be a fundamental personality flaw which will only make your life miserable if you stay with him.

Missing point of thread, but I suspect it’s unlikely you’ll be allowed 2 birth partners in September. We still don’t have any visitors for inpatients in any other departments of hospitals unless exceptional circumstances (end of life). This hasn’t been lifted and with concerns for a second wave, I really can’t see the hospitals saying that obstetric patients will be allowed 2 visitors.

Respect your partners wishes.

Respect the wishes of a man who would prefer his partner to be in more pain to relieve his own squeamishness a little. So the wishes of the spectator trump the wishes of the person actually giving birth? Can you explain why that is?

Why shouldn't she want her mum there? she doesn't need a reason apart from that's how she feels. It's not childish to want someone you know will be an amazing support through such a time 🙄. I say that as someone who had 2 c sections with no one present except medical staff as the policy in the country I gave birth was no one but patient past the ward.