Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

it's your process and you're the one giving birth so do what you want. #WomensRights #ItsMyBaby

I can see it from both sides tbh, tricky one.

I don't get why some people are confused about why I want my mum there too. But more importantly I don't ask anyone whether I should have my mother there for extra support. I already said I wanted her there for whatever reason. Although if you saw my replies to some people you would've seen that I want her there for support as right now my partner is very under prepared/thinks it's an easy process. As in i go into labour, he holds my hand, I push and out comes baby. That's it. What is why I want her there too.

This is not about him, it’s about you. Birth is not a spectator sport, the people who are present aren’t there for their own benefit (although obviously it’s a wonderful thing to be part of) they are there to provide you with the support you need. Tell him your mum will be there and if he has a problem with that he’s welcome to wait at home!

He sounds exceedingly controlling op. I dont know what the last one was like to make this one sound ok in comparison.

You're going to be pushing a baby out of you and quite fairly, want all the emotional support you can get and yet he is 'saying no to this'. Who the fuck does he actually think he is. Also, wtf does whether or not you have a water birth have to do with him?

It sounds like he wants you vulnerable, alone (except him) and in pain.

He'll be telling you you arent allowed pain relief during the birth next.

I'd take a good hard look at him op. Because something ain't right there.

Look, this should not be up for any discussion.

Not only is it your birth, you've gone through it before. And its' YOU GIVING BIRTH.

He IS controllling. You laugh this off: you're just wrong. No decent man would ever say what he did about the water birth. He IS CONTROLLING.

TELL him what is happening - you will have a water birth, your mum will be there, he has the choice to attend - and just do it.

Look, you were in an abusive relationship before, clearly. Not all abusers are the same. Keep your eyes open (and give your baby your surname!!!) - because it honestly sounds like you're pleased because you've moved from a Grade 10 wanker to someone who's 'just' a Grade 6.

Its his baby too, I think you need to take his feelings into account.

Here here pp!

Have u discussed with anyone these things he is saying? Because they really aren't on.

It should be 'whatever you need to make you feel comfortable because I love you and it's your body so it's your decision'.

I would hold off putting his name on the birth certificate if I were you. Do the freedom programme and read up on narcissists. Something is seriously off with him op and it may just be starting to rear it's ugly head but it's obvious to many of us here already.

He might outshine himself and really step up to the mark.
Can it not just be you two with your mum in the waiting room just in case you need her?
My partner wouldn't want my mum there, and although it's my choice, I'm going to put my faith in him that he'll be there for me on the day.

@BillywilliamV
What feelings exactly? A little bit of awkwardness? Awww diddums. Poor him. I mean she's about to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out her lady parts and would like her mum there for emotional support but if he might find that a little awkward then ....of course what on earth was she thinking!?!

Thinking a water birth is yuk doesn't make someone controlling.

Hmmm sounds like he wants it to be just you two and I think that's fine. Maybe he is worried how he'll react and doesn't want your mum to see him lose his cool. Bugger all the people saying it's all your decision, you are meant to be a couple and it's both your baby. Let him have a say.

Thinking a water birth is yuk doesn't make someone controlling

Making your partner not go for her preferred method of getting through a major medical ordeal, on the basis of you thinking it is "yuk" is at best controlling, at worst outright cruel.

I don't like these reductionist "pulling rank" arguments, "I am the one in labour so I automatically get to choose". It's both of your baby...

Once the baby's born, yes. But before that, only one of them will be doing something that can be dangerous if not life threatening. I won't go into my list of real life experiences because the OP doesn't really need to hear it. His one and only role is as support, and if all he's doing is attempting to veto her wishes it can't inspire much confidence in him.

I can understand he wants it to be an experience for just the two of them,

He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’

No offense, but he sounds like a fool. Birth anywhere can be disgusting, he needs to get over his squeamishness pretty soon.

Your posts make it very clear why you want your mother there. Has he offered up any comments or thoughts about your wellbeing, or is it all about him so far? His "reasons" aren't good enough, so tell him your DM will be there. It sounds like she'll be a far more supportive birth partner.

Look, you were in an abusive relationship before, clearly. Not all abusers are the same. Keep your eyes open (and give your baby your surname!!!) - because it honestly sounds like you're pleased because you've moved from a Grade 10 wanker to someone who's 'just' a Grade 6.

This, possibly...

You're not wrong to want care and support. I have a feeling if your partner was better at that, you might not want your DM there so badly.

Birth is not a spectator sport, the people who are present aren’t there for their own benefit (although obviously it’s a wonderful thing to be part of) they are there to provide you with the support you need

So true.

When we had our dd’s I just had DH with me, we wanted it to be just the two of us. I do understand why he would want to be the only person there.

If I had wanted my Mum there DH would have been okay with it even through it wasn’t his preference to have other people present. His comments about water birth are concerning and he does seem controlling.

My mum was at the birth of both my babies along with my partner. I felt reassured that there was someone there who knew what to expect and could speak up for me if needed. Although my partner was great he (and I) were not knowledgeable about child birth and would have no idea if things were going well/wrong.
I would say have your mum there if you want to and your partner should respect you wishes.
I had two very easy births and am sure that feeling well supported contributed to this.
Good luck with your baby.

Always found it very strange how women wants their mothers at the births of their babies. I am very close to my mum but I didn't want her there at the birth of ds nor did she want to be. It was just me and dh. I mean your mum isn't there when you conceive your baby, why does she need to be there when you give birth?!

Might have something to do with the fact that the conception part doesn’t usually involve hours of pain with the possibility of injury (or worse).

Set the tone and have your mother there

Thinking a water birth is yuk doesn't make someone controlling.

That’s not what happened. Read it again.

Telling someone they can’t have a water birth because you think it’s disgusting (don’t substitute that word for the twee ‘yuk’ or skip over the fact that he told OP what she could do, please, it’s very important) IS controlling.

Its his baby too, I think you need to take his feelings into account.

What if his feelings are that OP shouldn’t have an epidural? What if he thinks she shouldn’t shout or make any noise? What if he thinks she should give birth at home, without medical attendants?

If you baulked at those suggestions, you should be able to understand why it’s not his place to decide any of these things. The fact that it’s his baby doesn’t mean he will go through the birth. It doesn’t mean he gets to override the wishes of the person actually giving birth.

He can feel whatever he likes. But he doesn’t have the right to insist his feelings have priority over those of the OP when she is the one who is actually giving birth, and the fact that he thinks he has that right is a huge red flag.

Trying to think of some way to reverse it to show things...it doesnt quite work but...

Imagine your partner had a car accident and sustained serious but non life threatening injuries and when they were wheeling him in for surgery, he started calling for his mum. Because of the pain and the drugs they had him on, he just really wanted her there at that moment, for extra comfort and was calling out for her.

Would you
A. Call her and tell her he asked for her to come. You understand that your partner loves you but also loves his mum and needs her right now too. Your relationship with his mum may not be brilliant, but this is not about you right now as he is in pain and needs both your support.
B. Throw a huff that he seems to be 'choosing' her over you. Tell him no and that if she comes you won't be happy about it. Generally be an asshole and guilt trip him for wanting her support. Think he should be more considerate of your feelings as he only has physical pain and it isn't as bad as being made to feel uncomfortable or second best to his mum.

You would pick A right? Because you aren't an insecure narcissistic asshole.

Since when has it become a thing to have your mother and other friends and relatives present at births. It certainly wasn't happening when I last gave birth (admittedly 35 years ago).
It seems to cause quite a lot of aggravation judging by this thread and other similar ones that I've seen.
Personally, I'd have absolutely hated it. Surely if you have a partner who helped you make the baby, that should be sufficient company in the delivery room.

Look, you were in an abusive relationship before, clearly. Not all abusers are the same. Keep your eyes open (and give your baby your surname!!!) - because it honestly sounds like you're pleased because you've moved from a Grade 10 wanker to someone who's 'just' a Grade 6.

Yup.

The problem with all the stuff about it not just being up to the OP is that when there are two people, and they disagree on something that doesn't offer the possibility of compromise, one of them is going to get 100% their way and the other 0%. And this is quite common with birth: you can't have half an elective section, or half an epidural (well you can, but only if it doesn't work properly!).

So either you accept the 100% person is the woman, in which case all the stuff about fathers wishes being taken into account is just hot air really, or you think the 100% person is the man and that's the point at which nobody is going to take you seriously any more.