Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

'birth should be a positive experience for the mother because it's "natural".

Kidney stones are "natural" but they're very rarely a positive experience for anyone.'

Yup, as is cancer - a natural mutation of cells. Hereditary diseases, organ failure, dying from blood loss, the list goes on. All very natural things (a blood transfusion after blood loss is highly unnatural) yet I wouldn't say any of them are positive experiences or things.

@Mumoftwoyoungkids

It's one of the (many) reasons I'm not having kids, my boyfriend would be upset he wouldn't be allowed in. He also believes natural births are better with no epidural or elective c section, and that birth should be a positive experience for the mother, because it's "natural". Therefore I'm not reproducing with him.

You could always dump the boyfriend and have a baby with someone else......

I would feel the same if I was with someone else tbh. I've got about 20 reasons I don't want kids, it's not for me and we're both too old, too.

Apart from him mansplaining birth to me because he witnessed it once, he's otherwise a good partner.

@ChaosRising

birth should be a positive experience for the mother, because it's "natural"

Kidney stones are "natural" but they're very rarely a positive experience for anyone.

Yeah. I'm not agreeing with him. Thought it was stupid.

Men who don’t respect women’s bodily autonomy.

@NotMyTimes Yup, as is cancer - a natural mutation of cells. Hereditary diseases, organ failure, dying from blood loss, the list goes on. All very natural things (a blood transfusion after blood loss is highly unnatural) yet I wouldn't say any of them are positive experiences or things.

Absolutely. We don't view 'natural' as best when it comes to treating any of the conditions in your list. Nor do we view extreme pain and suffering in any other context as 'natural'; why for childbirth? People who view the pain of childbirth as 'natural' and therefore women should endure it without complaint fall into same category for me as those who associate women with evil, temptation and Man's fall from grace (i.e. misogynist nutters).

Maternal mortality has dramatically decreased since the 1930s with the move away from 'natural', unattended births to supervised births with appropriate medical interventions. Sod 'natural'!

Sorry OP, just having a rant...Not sure any of this is particularly relevant to your post!

I think partner will come round to the water birth idea, especially when he has read a bit more and watched some childbirth videos.

He probably feels embarrassed at the thought of someone else in the labour room, even your mother. She could inhibit him.

Birth should be a positive experience for the mother, I agree with that. I found mine so (I mean me giving birth, not my birth which I don't remember :-). it was good. I had my well prepared husband with me, it wouldn't have occurred to me to incorporate my mum into it but each to their own.

He probably feels embarrassed at the thought of someone else in the labour room, even your mother. She could inhibit him.

He's not the one naked from the waist down with strangers looking at his genitalia and the possibility of shitting on the table, he's got nothing to feel embarrassed about

And 'inhibit him' - what the fuck is that meant to mean? Inhibit his enjoyment of the experience - it's not his to enjoy. In what way exactly will the OP's mum being there inhibit him? What's it going to stop him doing?

OP, you seem offended at the comments about your partner being controlling/abusive but people are pointing out some very real red flags out of genuine concern for you. A man who "says no" to his partner having a water birth IS controlling. A man who tells you "I said no" when you express your desire to have your mother present when you have your baby IS controlling. His only reason being "I don't want her there". Even if these are the only controlling things he ever does, he's still controlling. It's like how someone who hits you once is an abuser; there is no benchmark whereby they have to do it twice or five times or ten times, or whether it's "just" a slap or they hospitalise you. All of it is abuse.

This is so disrespectful and speaks volumes about his ideas on your bodily autonomy. He is prioritising his own feelings above your needs at what can be a dangerous and vulnerable time for you.

Fuck me, this thread is an incredibly depressing read. Absolutely full of posts by women telling a woman that she's unreasonable for wanting her mother at the birth (a woman who has given birth and who she trusts to support her) and that her partner has "rights" when it comes to making decisions about what happens when SHE gives birth. I despair, I really do.

As for this:
"I honestly don’t understand choosing to have a child with someone who you don’t trust to get you through the delivery."
Being a good birth partner is not exactly top of the priority list when it comes to being a good partner and father. A man could have many qualities but not be good at a birth. This is why traditionally men weren't even in the room. He doesn't have to be there; it's neither a duty nor a right, it's a privilege to see his child being born.

Also, controlling and abusive men often don't reveal their true nature until after the woman is pregnant. But don't let that get in the way of a nice bit of victim blaming!

I don’t get this having your mum when your a grown adult but if you want to then you should but personally I think births a really intimate thing for the parents and having my mum or anyone else there just wouldn’t have felt right

He’ll likely feel like an outsider and I can understand that

Your choice tho

[quote ChaosRising]**@NotMyTimes* Yup, as is cancer - a natural mutation of cells. Hereditary diseases, organ failure, dying from blood loss, the list goes on. All very natural things (a blood transfusion after blood loss is highly unnatural) yet I wouldn't say any of them are positive experiences or things.*

Absolutely. We don't view 'natural' as best when it comes to treating any of the conditions in your list. Nor do we view extreme pain and suffering in any other context as 'natural'; why for childbirth? People who view the pain of childbirth as 'natural' and therefore women should endure it without complaint fall into same category for me as those who associate women with evil, temptation and Man's fall from grace (i.e. misogynist nutters).

Maternal mortality has dramatically decreased since the 1930s with the move away from 'natural', unattended births to supervised births with appropriate medical interventions. Sod 'natural'!

Sorry OP, just having a rant...Not sure any of this is particularly relevant to your post![/quote]
Yes, I agree. First DC was born by ELCS, and I had idiots asking me if I was disappointed I didn't have a "natural" birth. Of course I wasn't, I gave birth, job done. I have certainly never imbued birth with any kind of meaning or mystical feelings.

How can people be so critical of a woman choosing her mother as a birth partner l don't understand it. Surely we pick the people best suited for the task at hand.....a birth partner needs to have specific traits and qualities. Just like I have an accountant not DP help me with my tax return!

Ignore him. He has absolutely no say whatsoever in respect of how you give birth. His role is to completely facilitate your wishes.

He sounds like an arsehole, in all honesty. You say he isn’t difficult and controlling in other ways, but it’s hard to see how someone who could try to interfere with his partners birth plans could genuinely be a decent guy. I wouldn’t even discuss it with him anymore - just tell him that it’s your choice, and he doesn’t get a say in the matter.

That comment goes for the water birth part too. Who the fuck is he to tell you no? He needs to wise up fast to the fact that his opinions on this are completely irrelevant and he has no right to be listened to.

These are such big red flags OP. He may have been nice to you up till now, but so many men don’t reveal themselves to be abusers until a baby is involved. He is starting to show that side of himself by trying to control the way you give birth.

OP asked if she should ignore him. All I'm saying is no, don't ignore him. Have a calm discussion and see if there's a compromise that he'd be comfortable with.

The knee jerk 'he's a man he's not entitled to a say in anything' is unfair re: him wanting it to be just the two of them. His wishes should at least be listened to and empathised with. And in the end, OP herself has been sensible enough to come up with a compromise.

The water birth thing though. Nope. That was just stupid of him.

You deserve whatever support you feel you need, and your Mum has experience of (a) giving birth herself (unless you are adopted) and (b) helping you give birth. She will be of far more use to comfort you and advocate for you.

He has no experience of it whatsoever (sounds as though he'll be of little use if he considers it "disgusting" )

Don't back down on this OP. Birth is a massive thing for you to go through. How dare he try to negatively impact your experience.

Be careful - stand up to him on this - it will set the tone for your future relationship parenting together.

Jessstan When you wrote "He probably feels embarrassed at the thought of someone else in the labour room, even your mother. She could inhibit him." were you forgetting that the labour room is where the woman pushes a baby out, all being well? Did you have a momentary blip and think the labour room was the place the conception takes place? Or that he was going to be providing a sperm sample?

I'm sorry but if he's telling you you can't have a water birth and that your mother can't be there then he IS abusive and controlling. You do not have a good relationship.

I had my mum there for both of my births. I didn't ask my partner if it was ok because to bt Frank it had nob all to do with him. They get on and supported each other supporting me. He was glad she was there overall and even asked her if she wanted to cut the cord of my second. She declined. I totally understand why you want your mum there.

He’ll likely feel like an outsider and I can understand that

An outsider in the birth? That's because he is. The birth might result in the baby but it's about the woman. He's not part of her so he is an outsider to the whole experience. And because it's her experience she can have with her whoever she wants and makes her feel comfortable.

OP asked if she should ignore him. All I'm saying is no, don't ignore him. Have a calm discussion and see if there's a compromise that he'd be comfortable with.

Except she has tried to have a calm discussion with him and he came back with 'because I say so'. That's not a justified reason so should rightly be ignored. No one should have to compromise on their own medical care to make someone who's not the patient feel more comfortable.

Always found it very strange how women wants their mothers at the births of their babies. I am very close to my mum but I didn't want her there at the birth of ds nor did she want to be. It was just me and dh. I mean your mum isn't there when you conceive your baby, why does she need to be there when you give birth?!

On a physiological level, how you feel during labour has a direct impact on your hormone levels and, as a result, how the whole process goes. If you're comfortable and happy, your oxytocin levels will be higher and your labour will be able to progress more smoothly than if you're uncomfortable and stressed.

That is not the case for your partner. So, for all those who are arguing that his feelings should have equal weight here... they just don't. Sorry, and all, but no.

OP, I would agree that it's very likely that restrictions will still be in place by September. So, your partner is going to need to really pull his socks up by then in order to be an effective birth partner to you. I'll admit that I'm falling about laughing (coupled with an undercurrent of real worry) about his thoughts on waterbirths - has he explained any more about why he finds them 'disgusting'?

@Bbq1

Maybe because the conception is generally fun and a pretty regular activity whether the birth is a long, painful, exhausting and dangerous medical experience which requires a hell of a lot more effort and support.

"I disapprove of what you say but I'll defend to the death your right to say it".

Goes for birth too. I wouldn't have my mother there (and would prefer not to have my DH there either), but it's your birth and what is going to make you comfortable which is important. Nothing else... Not your partner's feelings or what is 'appropriate'.