Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

any birth is a magical experience. Not for everyone. It's painful, gross and disempowering for many. At least let them control who sees them at their most vulnerable.

I am swithering a bit here.

In order to gain maximum support from your OH, he may be better placed to do that without your mother there.
Yes absolutely a woman's body etc, but life can be complicated.

I really wanted a home birth with my second child. The midwife agreed, but not super keen on the idea- other than it was a lot of work for her.
My OH on the other hand was totally against the idea.
He was so worried that if things went wrong then it would be a catastrophe. He wanted the security of a hopital birth.
We looked at stats etc, but noting could allay his fears.
He would however defer to me in the type of birth I wanted.

However- with a lukewarm midwife and an OH that wold have been shitting his pants at every squeak throughout a home delivery I realised that my ideas of a lovely well supported cosy home birth were pie in the sky.
As much as my OH would have tried to hide any concerns during the birth I would have been concerned about him.

So I opted for a hospital birth- it was great in the end- I was relaxed, OH was relaxed, everything went fine.

So although it was my body my choice- in reality things can be a little more complex.

He told you that you couldn't have a water birth??!

If my DH said that, he wouldn't be attending the birth. Not sure we'd stay together after that tbh.

It's surprising how common this sort of thing is. I have to bite my tongue quite a lot when I hear women say things like, "No, I'm not going to have any pain relief. I'd quite like it I think, but DH thinks its bad for the baby" or whatever. BIL gave me a lecture once on what he thought was best in labour and how concerned he was that SIL might not be as keen on what he believed to be best because she hadn't done as much research as him. Apparently. [But then, I'm pretty sure that BIL thinks that my emergency c-section with DD was because I just didn't try hard enough]

Have your mum and not him. You don’t want a controlling fuck wit there.

You want to feel as relaxed as possible during labour. If you want a water birth and are able to, that's what you should have. If you turn it down for your partners sake because he thinks it's 'disgusting', and end up having a negative experience, you will never forgive him or yourself for that. The problem you have now is that he has declared his disgust at the thought of a water birth. So if you choose to have one, you'll be worried about him finding it gross and this could affect your experience of labour and reduce your self confidence and esteem, if you choose not to have a water birth, you'll be disappointed and that will stay with you for a long time.

I really can't believe your partner said this to you. Sorry OP.

I would tell him: either you STFU and behave respectfully to my mother, or you stay at home and she can be my birth partner.

He may think he has a right to be there, but he doesn't. Prick.

any birth is a magical experience

I think this is quite a simplistic view usually put out by people that have only experienced fairly simple births, tbh. My birthing experience went on for days and was traumatic from start to finish, ending in an emergency C Section. There were times when my partner had cause to think he might lose us both, and he also had to overcome PTSD around operating theatres to be in the room with me in the end. Only the part where DD was handed to him and he cut the chord could really be surprised as "magical". The rest of it was awful, tbh. We bonded through the shared tough experience, for sure, but it was definitely more of a medical emergency than a magical moment. I think people need to be aware if that before going into a birthing experience.

I have to bite my tongue quite a lot when I hear women say things like, "No, I'm not going to have any pain relief. I'd quite like it I think, but DH (darling husband) thinks its bad for the baby" or whatever"

I know . And the problem is that you have to push quite hard for pain relief to get it. So if you're swithering at the start because your husband is anti-pain relief, then you have very little chance of getting anything stronger than gas and air if you can't cope later on. If you want an epidural, you have to go in, ask for it straightaway and refuse to shut up about it when the midwives try to fob you off. That's hard to do if your birth partner keeps contradicting your wishes since midwives will often look for any excuse to make you do it as 'naturally' as possible. Refusing to listen to women giving birth is a surprisingly common phenomenon and one of the reasons we have such poor maternity outcomes in this country.

@combatbarbie

I'm with your partner on this one Tbh, it is his first child and any birth is a magical experience. What can't he offer that your mum can?

Of course you should have the final say but I can see where he is coming from. My mum and sister were present for my first as I was a single parent but it didn't even enter my head 2nd time, I just wanted it to be me and my now DH.

Her mother can offer so much more than her OH. He's a man. He will never understand giving birth. Has no clue what is happening to the body or the baby during birth. Can't even begin to imagine the pain she's going through... Her mom however does.

So she can offer a lot more support.

So many comments to get through! 😅

1. My partner is not abusive or controlling. Commenting about my relationship really isn't necessary, we're fine.
2. I'm not trying to have my mother there INSTEAD of my partner, I want both of them if I'm allowed.
3. I want my mum there for comfort, whether she does anything or not. She's had 5 kids, one that didn't end well. She will know how I feel if I'm not able to communicate it myself or she'll know what is going on when my partner doesn't.
4. I've already told him my mum will not interfere with anything unless she needs to (ie when he doesn't understand what's happening). She is not the type of person to take over, make her opinion the main one over his over menial things or even take over the baby when he's born.
5. Didn't even think of a water bath as proper pain relief for some reason, I will talk to him about this again.

I think my main concern is that he'll be completely under prepared so....My plan going forward, after reading all the comments, is to ask him to show me that he will be all the support I need for the birth and then I won't invite my mother. As in get his shit together and actually research what is needed/expected of him. I have now also written out a birthing plan specifically for my partner so he knows exactly what I want so I don't have to rely on his uninformed opinion as he currently doesn't know anything that what could go wrong.
If that doesn't happen by the time I go into labour then my mother will be there. I will ask her to leave when I actually push the baby out and have her wait a while before coming back in so at least my partner gets a moment with just us, which is the 'main moment' really.

Great plan OP. 💪

Honestly -I think it’s so unlikely you will be allowed a second birth partner by September -I cannot see that rule changing until we get a vaccine. I don’t think it’s worth falling out over something that’s so unlikely to be allowed anyway.

I like the word swithering. Thanks pp.

I was a bit blunt before but actually there are two aspects to it.

Yes it’s an intimate experience between parents and child, but it’s also a painful and potentially risky medical procedure that the mum is undergoing.

Maybe a compromise would be to have your mum there through labour and ask her to leave you all to it for a little whilst once baby is actually born.

@G5000

What the actual am I reading here? There have been several posters who think the following is the way to go:

• Dear partner, I will be going through a traumatising, painful, messy and dangerous process. The outcome will likely be better if I feel secure and relaxed. Therefore I want X and Y.
• No. I, the spectator, don't want you to have X and Y.
• Of course, whatever you decide, my lord and master..

This absolutely! When did men get to decide how we give birth??

*Men can come and go? What sort of an attitude towards the baby’s father is this?

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.*

This is fucked. Of course many men come and go, you hope that they don't but many still do.

No having your mum there smacks of wanting emotional support from someone you've known your whole life and loves you unconditionally. Also someone who's actually given birth to empathise with you - no man ever seems to understand just how painful childbirth it. There's nothing intimate or special about giving birth when you shit yourself, tear, bleed and cry and scream from the pain. It's not about the moment when the child is out and they all get to sit there as a cute little family, it's about the hours and before when OP will be in pain and wants all the support she can get - it's about her.

He might be worried that she will be the main support and he will be an extra.
No genuinely supportive partner should be worried about this. It's not about him at all. Whatever give the OP the most comfort is what matters, not his feelings about wanting to be the main support when he might not be as good at it as OP's mum. He can want to support all he wants but the birth isn't about him or the baby (the thing he made so has some rights to), it's about the mum so only her wants matter.

So the baby's father isn't allowed an opinion at all?
Of course he's allowed to have an opinion. They've talked about it and he's expressed preference that it just be him at the birth. However it's just an opinion - the person giving birth gets the casting vote.

OP don't listen to people telling you to compromise - you compromise on things that are a joint decision - who gets to be there when you're in incredible pain is entirely your decision. When he's contracting, his pelvis is expanding, and he's pushing a 6 lb lump out of his tiny hole then he can say who gets the be there.

@motheratbirth

Good plan...Also let him know that he has to do his research on the basics of babycare (skin-to-skin contact, feeding, nappy changing etc.) BEFORE the baby comes, rather than learning from you afterwards. If anything happens to you, he'll be left caring for the baby while they sort you out. The midwives won't be very impressed if he can't cope with this.

I almost had to go to theatre for a retained placenta and to have a bad tear sewn up after DS birth. DH had been fairly relaxed until that point but got panicky when he realised he was going to have to care for DS on his own while they were fixing me up. He's not fond of my parents, but suddenly became very interested in when they were going to arrive at the hospital to help him .

On the 'birth is a magical experience' thing... Maybe some are. Mine was very long, traumatic and ended in an EMCS. There was nothing magical about it for us.

If you want your mum there then that should be your decision. I had my mum and my DH with me, and DH was happy for me to do whatever made me comfortable (because it was me going through labour, not him!). DH said afterwards how grateful he was to have my mum there, particularly when things started going wrong at the end and he needed support.

Definitely talk to your partner about the water birth thing! It's a bit worrying that he thinks that it's disgusting.

Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.

Hilarious! I shared my intimate, very special moment with practically every midwife on the ward, two doctors and a student who snuck in and introduced herself later (I'd vaguely said 'students allowed' in the birth plan, so guess I couldn't retrospectively object). There must have been minimum ten people in the room all either shouting instructions at me or talking over my head. I couldn't even see DH, who'd at least had the good sense to get out of the way. Not everything goes according to plan and you need someone there who can support you through that.

@Sertchgi123

I don’t understand this need to have your mother there at the birth.

As an adult woman it’s more appropriate to choose just the baby’s father as your support. I can understand the baby’s father feeling put out by this.

You don't have to understand it. The OP as the person pushing another person out of her body gets to choose who is in the room at the time. If her OH can't understand that then he isn't any sort of support to her.

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.

You don't sound like someone who knows much at all about the history of childbirth. So you've had three babies? Big deal. So have I. Let's wait until someone who has had more than us comes along and they can decide whether you are behaving like an adult woman or a nasty piece of work.

more appropriate to choose just the baby’s father

Honestly, you won't give a toss about what's appropriate when the time comes. You'll be annoyed that anyone suggested to you that you should. I'm normally fairly modest, but it was so hot in the birthing room that I'd taken all my clothes off in the first ten minutes. I refused to wear anything for the rest of my labour, even when there were male doctors popping in and out. The woman next to me was absolutely screaming the place down.

Is 'birthing etiquette' really a thing?

As in get his shit together and actually research what is needed/expected of him.
He already thinks he gets more say in you giving birth than you do. If this guy reads anything at all he will be THE expert. You will ask the midwife about an epidural and he will say no she doesn’t mean that we agreed not... you will say I want my music on and he will say you need quiet, you will say I need to push and he will say not yet...

@Iwalkinmyclothing

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.

You don't sound like someone who knows much at all about the history of childbirth. So you've had three babies? Big deal. So have I. Let's wait until someone who has had more than us comes along and they can decide whether you are behaving like an adult woman or a nasty piece of work.

If I was giving birth there's no way I'd want the father there. I'd much rather have another woman.

There's nothing intimate about it, you're off your tits on gas, out of your mind with pain and you also tend to shit yourself. Having attended 2 friends births that's what I observed. There's no way I'd let my boyfriend attend. I'd be the one giving birth so it'd be my choice.

He's not coming across well in this at all is he?

I'm also not entirely sure that having been through it yourself is necessarily that useful though as it's so different for everyone.

If he thinks that a water birth is disgusting though-how different/less "disgusting" does he think that a non water birth would be?